The educational contradiction between generations seems to be the conflict of different ideas, but it is actually the reproduction of the educational contradiction in the early years and the continuation of the "struggle" between adults. What bothers you is difference, what conflicts is right and wrong, and what can't be solved is emotion. The most direct solution is to abandon the theoretical conflict and enter the appreciation mode and concretization mode. Because education is concrete and developing, talking about children's education is based on facts, appreciating progress and talking about specific methods to avoid progress.
Intergenerational conflict is the conflict between parents and grandparents of children in the early years, which reappears with children as the battlefield and is the catharsis of our emotions among adults.
Many intergenerational educational conflicts are actually not educational conflicts, but intergenerational conflicts. What is intergenerational conflict? It is the reappearance of the conflict between parents and grandparents who fought with their children in the early years, just like the war in the early years. Russia and Japan fought in the three northeastern provinces, and the Japanese all died. To some extent, intergenerational conflicts are like the Sino-Russian war.
In fact, we often see each other's complaints about intergenerational education, and rarely hear substantive problems or substantive processes and things. We all hear parents, grandparents talking about themselves, but it is difficult for us to find out where their conflicts are. They talk more about the conflict of ideas. Aside from the conflict of ideas, are there really so many conflicts in the actual situation? Not necessarily. When it comes to intergenerational education, we must first look at the war between father and son, whether the war between mother and daughter has ended, and if not, children will inevitably become the battlefield between the previous generation.
Putting aside the topic of battlefield and returning to the conflict of intergenerational education, we will find such a problem. Many times, the contradiction between parents and grandparents is considered to be due to different ideas. Parents are theorists and grandparents are empiricists. Grandparents say, "I feel good that we took you like this", but we will say, "I'm covered in injuries". The other is that we have accepted western education and feel that this kind of education is more suitable, so we have various contradictions with our parents. However, this is a theoretical level to explain the theoretical differences between parents and grandparents. But if we put aside the theory, we will find that their love is exactly the same, which is actually a topic that is often ignored in intergenerational education. I always feel that grandparents dote on their children. Parents love their children very much, but that's not doting! In fact, this is a very bad assumption. So many times, when we look at the older generation and educate our next generation, we will find that they have various problems.
But have these problems really happened? Not necessarily!
For example. I once went to a family to do counseling on intergenerational education conflicts. What I see in this family is that parents become very, very anxious when they see grandparents nursing their children. Mom and Dad will tell grandparents very seriously that you have deprived your child of the ability to survive, deprived of ... deprived of ... Grandma said that I just love my grandson, and you actually treat me as an abuse of him. Is it wrong for her to say that she loves my grandson? Is everything wrong with me?
Seeing such a conflict, I asked our parents what their purpose was. He said, I think this kind of education is wrong. Then I say this kind of education should first put aside the question of right and wrong. I want to know how much he is wrong, even if he is wrong. In other words, what will this lead to? But unfortunately, we don't look at the results. We only need to see things to know the result, and this result has been infinitely magnified by us.
Faced with such a problem, you will find that your parents are irrational, and your grandparents are irrational and aggrieved. My parents think you hurt my generation. Why did you hurt my next generation? My parents said innocently that I hurt you. Aren't you an adult? Aren't you very successful? So the war extends from the right or wrong of children's education to the attack on each other's personality and emotional harm to each other, which many families will encounter. I will calm my parents down when I encounter such a problem.
I asked him, do you still need to support a 20-year-old child? Unless you are disabled. Will it really affect if grandparents feed you? When we can see the results, we will find that the problem is not that complicated.
This is also my second topic, the most serious problem of intergenerational education. The conflict in intergenerational education is not only the continuation of the war between adults, but also because we like fighting with others too much, and fighting has become an instinct in our lives. What kind of fighting? The battle of theory. We often have a very happy debate between two people, but is it meaningful? It may not make sense, because they are all arguing about the theory.
So when we look at the conflict of intergenerational education, we will be surprised to find that why there is such a big conflict is because parents simply equate some behavior of grandparents with some result. Grandparents simply equate some of their parents' behaviors and results, so everyone puts aside the facts and keeps fighting in various theories and concepts. At the end of the battle, they were scarred by each other. This is the most fundamental reason for most intergenerational education conflicts at present.
So why do we have such a state? What happened between parents and grandparents? Like hitting a child. We punished the child appropriately. At first, it was wrong to kill him with a stick. But with the passage of time, it is found that as long as it is not excessive, it is also a punishment and an educational means. Have you found that our educational ideas often conflict with each other, and no one tells your children how to teach them? So when we are more and more exposed to parenting knowledge, those young parents are confused. Grandparents who raised their children are also confused and look forward to giving their grandchildren the best things. But unfortunately, they can't find it. So they all gave their best things to their children and grandchildren. At this time, you are surprised to find that there are many potential anxieties.
What do you mean by potential anxiety? It is our potential anxiety about our incompetence. To some extent, we know that we can't teach our children well. Although I am a father and my son is over six years old now, I always tell people around me that my son can't teach well because I really don't know how to teach. But if I hurt this child, I can cure it. But what do you want to shape the child into, because I know I don't know where my goal is, what my child is suitable for, what kind of talent he will become, and I really don't know what kind of education and training my child is suitable for. At this moment, I am at a loss. At that moment, I hated myself because I found myself incompetent. I believe all parents have experienced this incompetence, or you are experiencing it.
How many people can face their sense of incompetence and anxiety? How many people can accept their incompetence? When more people find themselves incompetent, they all find ways to vent their emotions. And the best way is to fight, we have the genes of the fighting nation. Therefore, it is the easiest to fight with parents, so intergenerational education has become a natural battle, a battle that will not hurt each other. Why? Because everyone will know that I love children. This article says that everyone agrees, so the struggle based on love is not too harmful.
With this background, when the losses in the war will not be too great, our battle will begin to have no bottom line. Therefore, the struggle between our parents and grandparents has become a normal state, and it has become a time for people to think about problems. Once they are unhappy, they directly release their anxiety about their children's education, so the family is full of "love" struggles.
So when I pay attention to and study a family, I often joke that war is the war of the next generation! Why? Because you have fought a war, sometimes you will be surprised to find that the family is harmonious, because we can vent some emotions that do not belong to the intergenerational war through the intergenerational war, and it is so just and comfortable. When we criticize my parents-in-law, public opinion will stand on your opposite side, but if you say that there is something wrong with my parents-in-law's education, you will be surprised to find that everyone will recognize you as "Oh, so is my parents-in-law". So this provides a good outlet for the contradictory emotions between parents and grandparents. This is also an important reason why intergenerational education conflicts are difficult to solve.
After some families solve the problem of intergenerational education, families will become no longer harmonious. This is a very serious problem. Therefore, I would like to remind some consultants that sometimes when we solve intergenerational conflicts, we don't want to solve them, but sometimes we have to encourage them. Because only the conflict between generations is a strong conflict with low harm. Everyone knows that this conflict is based on love! It's not your problem, it's not my problem, it's the idea. Strong conflict means that every time you encounter intergenerational education, your family will fall apart.
Of course, if you have the heart, you will find that only when the education of several generations conflicts, the husband will stand on the side of his wife, the parents will stand on the same front, and the grandparents will stand on the same front. In a flash, you will find that there are three, not one. Therefore, there are too many benefits of intergenerational education! We can't forget to educate the next generation as soon as we start. If we put it aside, many times grandparents' homes are indistinguishable from parents' homes and grandparents' homes. Especially those powerful mothers often tie three families together, thinking that mom and dad are my home, grandparents' home is also my home, and grandma's home is also my home. After all, now six people face one child.
So I want to remind all counselors here that you must be very, very careful when dealing with intergenerational education, because sometimes intergenerational education will build a bridge between husband and wife. Only in intergenerational education can husband and wife unite as enemies and confront their parents unscrupulously. Only in intergenerational education can parents attack their parents as children, that is, they have hurt my grandparents. Therefore, intergenerational education, sometimes called therapy, is an alternative psychological counselor who treats those who were mercilessly tortured or ignorant by their parents when they were young. They need to use this conflict to repair their fragile hearts. So if you also have intergenerational education conflicts, do you imagine that you have such needs? If there is such a demand, don't deal with it.
Many people have told me that you don't know Mr. Yao. In fact, I know that my parents and I have these problems, and I have long forgiven them. Here I remind many people that everything I do is for the children. Then, I think the problems between our intergenerational education need to be solved urgently. I often meet such people, and I am afraid. Why? If I really love my children, I think intergenerational education has done me great harm, and when I urgently need to solve this problem, then parents' hatred for their children is very, very strong.
When I say this, some people don't understand how parents can hate their children. "Hate" here is different from hate in the conventional sense. What we call hate is based on love. From the perspective of psychoanalysis, hate is called attack. Why did he attack his own children? In fact, on the other hand, because we can't attack parents, we can only attack children. The subtext is "you upset me, didn't you?" I upset your grandson, and you upset me, didn't you? I also made your granddaughter sad. " This is the subtext, a process of making parents sad by attacking their children. So it's subtle.
Then, let's talk about how to solve the problem of intergenerational education. Teacher Yao, didn't you say you didn't have to solve the problem of intergenerational education? Some people don't have to solve it, and some people still have to solve it. So what should we do when solving the problem of intergenerational education?
Solving emotions is the first factor to solve intergenerational conflicts.
First of all, when we face intergenerational education, we should reflect on our attitude towards our parents and whether our emotions with our parents have been resolved. Have we handled our emotions with our children? These emotions will not extend to parent-child intergenerational education. This time is the first factor to solve the conflict. The first is whether your emotions have been handled properly.
The easiest way to see whether your emotions have been handled well is when your parents, your parents-in-law, and your parents-in-law begin to educate your children in a completely different way from you. If you can still calm down and think about what my parents are doing and what benefits they will bring, then your mood has been solved. However, if parents and children are close, you will roll up your sleeves and rush to confront your parents, indicating that your emotions are still there. This is the only criterion. If you have dealt with the emotions between you and your parents, then the second step is how to deal with an intergenerational conflict with your parents.
The biggest problem of intergenerational conflict is that we like to theorize, summarize and generalize to solve a problem. As I said before, you already know the result when things start. This result is imaginary and not necessarily true. So when we talk about intergenerational education, we must concretize many things. Before concretization, you have to do another thing, which is also a concretization process, and the struggle between you and your parents is over.
Defining everyone's boundaries is the second factor to solve intergenerational conflicts.
In intergenerational education, it is very important to distinguish the boundaries of all people, which is the second step to deal with intergenerational conflicts. The first step is emotion, and the second step is boundary. Only when the boundaries are clear can you know what you should do next, and you will know how much room for development and autonomy you have.
Take myself as an example. For my family, my father's words are the imperial edict. Everyone should listen to his words, and we can't refute them. Therefore, for the sake of my son's education, I will not argue with my father. If my son is with his grandfather, I can hardly speak. Why? Because grandpa can fix anything, it's no use talking about it. So first of all, what is the boundary between you and your parents, and between you and your grandparents? You must find this boundary first. How much say do you have in front of your elders? I have to remind those who have conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law because of educational problems. Is it useful to tell your mother-in-law? No, don't say it again. Because of the conflict of educational concepts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the relationship between husband and wife is formed. For example, if my mother-in-law did something wrong and told her husband, how many would be willing to accept it? This kind of thing needs to be considered clearly.
Many people ask me what to do if I don't know my autonomy, and I can't do it even if I teach you. When you come home, your parents will stare at you and you will stop eating. So, the key question is, first of all, you know how big the scope of your operation is, your right to speak and your ability.
With the previous generation, we sometimes talk very little. You think I can fight with my parents for my children. Is that really a fight for children? You are actually fighting for the damage you have suffered. We know that our parents are in their sixties, and if they are young, they will be in their fifties. Such people have lived for most of their lives and are almost unwilling to change. So when we want to change our parents, we should think about whether letting them change will make our parents live longer, healthier or less healthy. This cost and price are very expensive. So we have to judge how much say we have.
Judge the right to speak with the father first, and then judge the right to speak with the mother. Father and mother are different. Take our father for example, my mother is actually more terrible. She is controlled by weakness. When she was dissatisfied, tears came down, so I stopped eating. In such a link, you should know what your mother's boundary is. The next thing is that you should also communicate with your lover. What is the boundary of your lover? What is your lover's ability? These are all critical. When you have such a great understanding and presentation, you will know what you and your parents should do, what you and your wife should do, and what you and your in-laws should do. This is the effect of presentation.
When we talk about our parents and how much authority we have, how much space do we have to understand our freedom on the basis of authority? In addition, we need to predict that in the process of getting along with grandparents, our children may have some inappropriate places and even get hurt, some of which are caused by doting. For example, our children don't pay responsibility. Our children have no ability to understand others, which is the result of doting. At this time, we have to estimate in advance. What kind of problems may arise between him and his grandparents, and between her and your lover? These problems should be predicted in advance.
In the process of this child's education, many people always say that I love my child very much. When asked, how can I love him? I can't tell you the details. If you really love children, you should evaluate and show how much voice your family has given you. Let's show you what this family is doing well and what problems may occur when it comes to contact with children. How to fix the problem and how to make up for it is where parents should really spend their energy on their children. This is the most difficult and painful part of intergenerational education.
When we do research, we know what problems parents may have when they get along with their children. Then how do we know what problems may arise? At this time, concrete technology will be used. For example, like my mother, my mother has been feeding my son, and now my son is six and a half years old and needs feeding. Of course, the premise is with his mother and his grandmother. Why do you need feeding? Because his grandmother and his mother need to prove that they love their children by feeding them. What is this concept? When we watch the interaction between parents and children, we will carefully taste how these behaviors will affect children.
We don't want to theorize, and we don't need to ask others. You just need to be quiet and observe what will happen to your child after his grandparents taught him like this, so that you can predict what may happen in the future. So don't ask me or other experts, they can't tell you. Because we don't know what kind of personality your child is, because we don't know how your parents get along with him. We don't know the child's personality and influence mode. How can we know the result? If you have to know the result, you should calm down and observe quietly, while paying attention to parent-child interaction. You will be surprised to find that things are not so bad. What's worse is that we are emotional.
The key to education is degree and time. Stretching the vertical axis of time will naturally solve many problems.
Education is not good, the key to all education is a degree and time. It's time for reconciliation. All the bad things will get better. Therefore, the key depends on how you view the interaction between parents and children. Here, I want to remind parents that when grandparents do something and you think they are dead, it is not necessarily out of date. Because what is this? I don't know if your theory is right or wrong, at least my grandparents can see it. As long as I look at their works, you and I will know whether their education is good or bad.
You will say, I rely on my own efforts. Do you know how bitter I am? Yes, you may feel bitter. But after all, you have become a talent. They have products and successful works. Do you? Where do all your ideas come from? Do all your ideas come from books? Do these things really suit our children? Do you really have the heart to let your children become a lot of educational experiments? So from this perspective, grandparents are right. At least he knows that my grandson's father tried it, so I think this set should be ok for my grandson, at least it's not his first experiment, at least it's his second experiment. From this perspective, we can still understand his parents. When our ideas conflict, our ideas may be incorrect.
When talking to parents about their children's education, we must make them complete. Do you want them to know what their purpose is? Can they achieve their goal by doing so? The most terrible thing about education is arbitrariness. You said you were right, and I said I was right.
The essence of our education is children. Without children, we can't assume good or bad. Sometimes, when we examine the quality of education, we must go back to children and see how this educational method will change them and how this educational method will change them. We should not see whether this kind of education is right or wrong without children.
Otherwise, neither right nor wrong means much. When we conflict with our parents' educational ideas, you should think about it. What is the motivation of each educational thought, what benefits it may bring, and what crisis it may bring? What is your educational philosophy, your purpose and motivation? What kind of children may be educated and what dangers may there be? Do they have anything in common that can be combined? So this is not a question of conflict of ideas, but that we have not considered where the conflict is at all.
Many times, the conflict of intergenerational education only exists in the imagination level, but not in the reality level. Sometimes we find that although we have different ways, the final result is the same, so is it necessary to argue? It's not necessary. I really want to remind you again, don't argue with the theory. Of course, in addition to theoretical argumentation, we have to consider another issue, the issue of time. If you spend only two or three weeks with your grandparents in a year, how much impact will three or five weeks have on your children? Not that big. In some families, grandparents spend little time with their children. Children spend most of their time at school. There is still a small part of time to do homework, a small part to be with parents, and then to be with grandparents. Is this time shock really as exaggerated as you think? Some people will say that children are always with their grandparents before going to kindergarten, which will spoil them. Before your child goes to kindergarten, you can love him boldly! Psychology has long proved that the more you love children, the greater their future achievements. What is there to worry about?
Of course, there are some very special situations that need to be handled simply. For example, I used to work in a family whose grandmother was schizophrenic. For such a family, what we can do is to make the contact between grandma and grandson as short as possible. Except for some unavoidable special circumstances, because grandma also wants to give love to her children, we will arrange grandma to visit her when she is in a good mood, but now we need to avoid it most of the time because there is no way to give normal love to our grandchildren under normal circumstances.
There are very few cases like this, so sometimes the specific relationship and specific problems need to be looked at in detail, which does not mean that intergenerational education is a big death. Therefore, I also want to share with you how to treat us specially when we encounter some special circumstances.
Just talking about time, we have to talk about time and our influence. Many people say that although they spent some time with their grandparents, they learned a lot about their bad habits. For example, one of my clients once told me that her mother-in-law came from the countryside and soon learned to talk to her grandmother.
Although grandma may be like this for a week, she may spit everywhere when she teaches her children for a week, but in fact. Have you ever thought about such a question? How long will it take to recover from vomiting for a week? She told her that she told her children, "Do you think it's dirty to spit like this, baby?" The child said, "Why did grandma throw up?" "Because grandma is old, they can spit everywhere in the countryside, but not in the city." The child said, "well, I know, mom." I won't vomit in the future. " . Although her grandmother came again a few days ago, the child vomited again.
My mother is very anxious at this time. She said that this situation is not repeated. Repeat what? Isn't it just two or three times a year? It doesn't matter if you drink too much and spit occasionally. So you will be surprised to find that when we talk to children about some problems, we will inexplicably enlarge a lot of things, and enlargement is a very fatal thing. Let's look back. In fact, regardless of the education of grandparents, we should pull out the time on the horizontal axis and the vertical axis. After pulling away, your anxiety will actually be alleviated.
Educate children well, starting with paying attention to parents!