Have you ever heard of crying immunity?

Crying immunization method: simply speaking, children don't hug when they cry, but only when they don't cry.

Once, a friend of mine discussed her experience in using the "crying immunization method" with me on WeChat.

Her children are over 1 year old, and she wants to:

If the child cries, don't comfort him, and the rest of the family don't comfort him or hug him. Just let the child cry. It's not bad to cry, but it will be all right after a while. She thinks that by doing this, she will not get used to the smelly problems of children since childhood, and she can also exercise her vital capacity.

There are also many parents who hold this kind of parenting style. They mainly have two reasons:

First, holding a child when he is crying is encouraging him to use crying as a weapon to blackmail his parents, and he will get used to the bad habit of sticking to others.

Second, it is not a bad thing for children to cry, and it can also improve their vital capacity, so it doesn't matter whether they cry or not.

Crying immunity has a great temptation to parents-to get a good baby who doesn't like crying and is super worry-free.

However, is this really the case?

The baby's crying has nothing to do with "threat"

"Crying Immunity Method" was put forward by Watson, the founder of behaviorism school and the president of American Psychological Association in 1930s, which was once popular in America and even the whole world.

Watson used "crying immunization" on his three children:

These three children all looked "good" when they were young, but when they grew up, one committed suicide; One committed suicide, but failed; There is also a lifelong wanderer who lives with Watson's help.

These three "good babies" who don't like crying and are super worry-free all have a desperate soul in their bodies.

It is a serious disaster for children that parents ignore their children's needs!

Especially for babies, crying is their basic survival needs, such as hunger, thirst, diarrhea, urine, cold, heat, drowsiness and so on.

Parents' timely response will bring children a sense of security and make them feel that they have been seen, accepted, cared for, loved and welcomed by the world.

On the contrary, if parents don't respond to their children in time, children will feel invisible, unacceptable and unloved, and they will feel that the world doesn't welcome them.

If parents take care of their children with crying immunity, the children will stop crying, and at the same time, they will be filled with anxiety of being neglected and unloved, fear of unsustainable survival, disappointment and even despair to their parents and the world, and their sense of security will be strongly destroyed.

If a person feels insecure when he was a child, he has been trying to find it all his life.

When the confirmation is not found, it may be destroyed and released, just like Watson's eldest son.

We must understand that the baby's crying has nothing to do with "threats".

Modern brain science has confirmed that the brain development of infants is far from reaching the level of "threatening" thinking.

In Watson's time, brain science was not fully developed. Without grasping the law of human brain development, we define children's crying with adults' ideas, which accidentally hurts children.

This also reminds us that in parenting, we must always refresh our concepts and methods, and children can't afford our "ignorance."

Parents' "positive response" is very important for children.

Although crying immunity is aimed at infants, it is also true for older children.

When the child is crying or asking for something, we all ignore it and look indifferent. Children feel similar to babies. Perhaps the intensity is not disillusioned, but it is also destroying the child's sense of security and parent-child relationship.

There is a darkroom experiment:

Put a four-or five-year-old child and an adult who takes care of him in a dark room at the same time.

There is a lamp in the room, but it doesn't work.

After a while, the child began to call the adult who took care of him: "Aunt, where are you?"

Aunt didn't say anything.

The child became anxious: "Aunt, where are you?" ? Reply to me! Reply to me! "

Aunt replied, "What's the use of responding? Don't turn on the light again. "

What the child said in despair is full of philosophical meaning: "light reaction!" "

Some parents may think that in the face of their children's "unreasonable troubles" and "tantrums", they will not be angry, will not respond, will ignore them and treat them coldly until they stop making trouble. Is this gentle enough, no problem? !

With all due respect, this "strategy" is full of childishness.

Parents wearing cold masks, like another child, bring their own children a cold face.

It doesn't seem to explode, but it is definitely not gentle, because that cold face is releasing the energy of violence.

There is a "cold-faced mother" experiment in psychology:

The baby sat face to face with its mother.

In the first stage of the experiment, whenever the baby's expression changes, the mother will make a positive response.

The baby is happy and relaxed.

In the second stage, no matter what actions and expressions the baby has, the mother only gives one response-cold face.

At first, the baby was a little confused and didn't know what happened.

Before long, the baby began to be nervous and anxious, trying to attract his mother's attention and response with more actions and expressions.

After a while, the baby saw that his mother was still indifferent, completely collapsed and began to cry, which was difficult to appease.

This experiment well reveals the important role of parents' positive response, and also shows that it is parents' wishful thinking to "ignore the child and make him feel ashamed, and then stop the trouble".

In my life, I have even seen many scenes of "combination boxing"-my parents are cold-faced and ignore them, and the effect is not good. When the children started to make a scene, their parents didn't admit it. They just yelled or spanked.

The child suffered twice before and after, and the parents were angry for two rounds. In the end, they "harvested" the chicken flying and the dog jumping.

Say "love words" first, and then "cry" is king.

In the face of children's crying, parents can't beat and scold, let alone be cold-faced. What should they do?

One way is to "love to talk with tears"

My daughter goes to kindergarten early and occasionally has "Monday syndrome".

On Monday morning, she resisted going to school.

Once, it happened that her father sent her in advance. As soon as I entered the kindergarten gate, my mood suddenly went wrong. She stood motionless in the line for temperature measurement, refusing to go forward and make room for other children.

Dad said it was useless, and he had already started crying.

The children and parents who rushed to the kindergarten pretended as if nothing had happened and crossed the crying and helpless father.

This made dad quite depressed and embarrassed. Once the blood rushed to his head and caught up with his "morning anger" and did not recover. The relationship between the two "patients" is tense and explosive.

All the children have entered the classroom, and dad can't control it any more. He dropped his schoolbag and broke out completely.

He would have loudly asked:

"What's the matter with you? What's the problem? Say it! "

I have completely ignored my father, just poking there, not talking, not moving. Dad was more angry when he saw it, so he couldn't help poking his head with his finger.

Early also unambiguous, waving small arms, hit his father's leg. ...

That day, until the afternoon, I picked her up from kindergarten early, and she still "hated" her father.

Later, I had a serious talk with dad Zao, and told him the "tearful love story"-first say the "love story" and then cry with him.

How to use this method specifically?

Love story: it is empathy, which expresses the understanding of the child's current mood.

Accompanying crying: not to make parents cry, but to let parents stay with their children when they cry.

Before, I had early Monday syndrome. Here's what I did:

First of all, describe the unhappy and angry state of the child without emotion-say "love words"

I said to the early students:

"Oh, unhappy, don't want to check?"

Describing the child's state at that time in a gentle tone is empathy.

Secondly, the child cried and stayed with him-"crying with him."

"If you want to cry, just cry for a while. I will stay with you. Tell me when you cry. "

I shared my feelings and expressed my kind attitude that I can cry with my children. Usually it doesn't take long, maybe just a minute or two, and the child's negative emotions will pass.

When you are empathetic, if you can guess the reasons and feelings of your child's bad mood, you can add a description.

For example, once I dropped my ice cream on the ground early and cried. I said:

"Oh, it's a pity that the ice cream fell to the ground. Are you distressed? Cry if you want, I will accompany you. "

Of course, there are many times when we can't guess the reason, or time doesn't allow us to guess slowly, so it doesn't matter, just like above, directly describe the state and ignore the reason.

Don't be scared by technical words like "empathy", it's not complicated.

Empathy means telling each other how they feel. If you can't guess, don't talk nonsense. Tell the other person's unhappy state directly and simply describe it.

"Love words" are right, and it is easy to step on thunder if they are wrong.

There is a minefield that must be avoided when saying "love words", that is, being sarcastic and outspoken.

Speak tactfully, manage the tone and attitude in place, and let the children feel understanding and acceptance.

Euphemistically say the child's feelings or state, and the child's negative emotions will be "seen".

As long as negative emotions are seen, they have already begun to be channeled.

It is equivalent to telling children, "I accept your emotions and I understand you." This is so important!

Because after the child is accepted and understood, his heart will be relieved and comfortable, and some "evil fires" will be removed or even completely disappeared.

This expression of parents is tantamount to denying the child's feelings, and he will become more and more angry and even escalate to crying and uncooperative.

Think about when we were angry, a person who tried to comfort us came up and said, "Don't be angry! What is there to be angry about? No need! " We will definitely feel that this person does not understand me.

Then, maybe we will excitedly explain to him why we are angry, and we will be even angrier when we talk about it.

Parents need to be reminded that it is very necessary to use "tearful love words" and say "I will cry with you and tell me after crying".

This sentence expresses, "I not only accept and understand your negative emotions, but also want to stay with you and help you tide over your emotional difficulties."

This is really high-quality company:

It is not difficult to accompany you when you are happy;

It is precious to be with you when you are in a bad mood.

What the child feels is a very caring father or mother, and he will really receive our love. Such companionship will make children and us "ferromagnetic".

In the final analysis, the method of "talking about love with tears" is to douse the raging fire in children's hearts through acceptance and understanding. This method is suitable for all children, because being understood and accepted is the deep desire of all mankind, and no one does not need it.

Some parents think that because the time to send them to school in the morning is too tight, there is no time to "sympathize" and "cry". This is too much trouble.

If you think so, you have really miscalculated.

Let's imagine, how long will it take to describe the state of the child? Just ten seconds. How long will you cry after that? Two or three minutes.

However, if the child is accused and reprimanded, the child will not stop crying, but will intensify and it will be more difficult to communicate.

Finally, it escalated into a parent-child war, which was time-consuming and labor-intensive, and both sides lost.

In time, the "cost" is higher;

Emotionally, we are angry enough ourselves.

Moreover, there are many such situations. The child thinks that we don't understand him and the parent-child relationship is alienated. Isn't this account more expensive?

Parents don't want to feel the same way, and most of them have a demon called "worry". They always want to cut the gordian knot and control the "enemy" by violent means.

At that moment, there will be a voice in our hearts growling: "Let it all end quickly!" " "

However, what is the result? Just like dad and the early morning, the last "hands-on".

No one likes children crying, but we must admit that it is normal for children to cry.

If the child is a Buddhist figure who has quiet days every day and never cries, it would be terrible.

Therefore, whether children cry or not is not a problem, but how parents deal with it.

How to help children get through the emotional barrier is what parents should really think and do.

Empathy for children's negative emotions, seeing them, allowing them to exist and sending them away in the company are much smarter than fighting violence with violence.

Fighting violence with violence is magic, and crying with love words is the way.

Wang Xiaoqian

Famous host, parenting education expert, founder of "Wang Xiaoqian's Parent-child Theory", "Marriage and Family Consultant of Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences", love promotion ambassador of "Family Growth Plan" of China Women's Foundation, and expert consultant of "Caring for the Future" family early education public welfare project. In-depth study of self, family system and children's development law, and constantly explore practical and operable children's parenting concepts and family solutions. Because of the practice in the field of family education and strong sense of mission and practicality, it has been trusted by millions of parents.