The biggest lie of the second child, I use them to crack it easily.

Author: Ma Chuan

When I first gave birth to the boss, I was very nervous. I was always careful, for fear that I would do something wrong, hurt my child, or miss my child.

Many people comforted me and said, "It's always like this when you are a mother for the first time. You will get better slowly. "

Now when they give birth to their second child, they say, "It's no problem to be a mother for the second time."

Indeed, when I took care of Bauer, my heart relaxed a lot and I became more determined and indifferent.

But just having a good attitude can't make the life of a second-born mother easy. One by one, the questions were really in front of me. No, but not after having a second child.

Besides, the boss grows slowly and new problems emerge one after another, which are all challenges. As for the second child, it is far from my brother. A lot of my experience in raising my brother is useless.

What should we do?

Instead of being anxious, it is better to actively find a way. If you can't find a solution yourself, look at other people's experiences and lessons.

Parenting books are often the best carrier to report rigorous educational research results or summarize personal successful experiences.

Therefore, no matter how busy I am, I will take time to find a good book, read a book and look for answers in the book.

Today, I specially compiled a "growth list" for everyone, and brought 10 recommended parenting books, all of which benefited a lot from my recent reading.

I divide these books into "helping children grow up" and "parents and family".

The former starts from the perspective of "how to help children grow better", so that parents can give full play to their advantages and strength;

The latter is mostly based on the perspective of parents' own and family relations, helping parents answer questions and seek changes and breakthroughs.

The Spring Festival holiday is coming. A cup of tea or coffee, with a good book, will slowly solve the most tangled parenting problem in my heart and accumulate strength for the mental journey of raising a baby in the new year.

P.S. This article contains no commercial purpose and is purely recommended.

-help the baby grow up-

1. Let talents be free

Author | Ken Robinson, Lou aronica,

Publishing | Zhejiang People's Publishing House, 20 17

In 2006, there was a super-hot speech on TED-"Schools stifle creativity".

Up to now, the number of viewers has exceeded 60 million, creating the largest broadcast volume in TED's history.

Speaker Ken Robinson, a world-famous educator, was knighted by the Queen of England in 2002, and was regarded as "the most influential educator in the world". 20 1 1 was selected as "Top 50 Most Influential Business Thinkers in the World".

His wisdom, humor and unique insights left a deep impression on many people, including me.

"All children are born artists", Ken Robinson agrees with Picasso very much.

He believes that "every child is a great genius, but we ruthlessly killed their talent."

Because, we always use so-called social rules such as common sense, exams, and maximizing interests to ask children to grow into "pillars" that meet the requirements.

The book Let Talent Be Free was born out of his speech.

Ken Robinson hopes that it can help us look at ourselves from a different angle, let us know more about our talents and hobbies, and then help children discover their talents and find themselves.

It is mentioned in the book that when we are doing what we love and are naturally good at, it is easier to feel that we are the real ourselves at this moment.

We feel that we are doing what we should do and becoming what we should be.

This is the great ability of talent and hobby.

There is a passage in the book that impressed me deeply: "It is not what happens to us that determines our life, but what we can do that determines our life."

Turn passivity into initiative, know what you can do, and help children understand what ta can do, so that we will not fall into blind anxiety, but be able to grow together with our children.

2. Advantage education

Author | Li Shuiyu

Publishing | CITIC Publishing House, 20 18

This book mainly provides some practical parenting methods to discover and cultivate the advantages of children.

The author Sally Waters is the president of the International Association of Positive Psychology, a professor of psychology at the University of Melbourne, and an internationally recognized barista of positive psychology.

She devoted herself to studying positive psychology for 30 years, combining positive psychology with family education, breaking the "Kannikin Law" that shortcomings determine everything, guiding us to discover the advantages of children and helping them grow up actively.

Sally Waters quoted a sentence in the book: "The compass always points to true north, but it doesn't tell you that there will be pits, swamps or other natural obstacles on the way ... The most important thing is true north."

It was this sentence that made her realize that she always tried to be positive, just as the compass always pointed to the north. As long as she follows the instructions of the compass and insists on going south, she will find a way to cross the obstacles such as deep pits and swamps, and she will never get lost or go astray.

The book provides a large number of vivid cases and clear suggestions to help us understand how superior parenting methods can solve children's problems; Each chapter is accompanied by practical exercises and some tests attached to the book to help us practice and apply them in parenting.

Looking at it all the way, I feel particularly practical. Even better, it can let us adults learn to adjust our perspective, think about problems from a more positive perspective, and deal with all kinds of trivial things in life.

3. Self-driven growth

Author | William Stix Luther, Ned Johnson

Publishing | Machinery Industry Press, 2020

In the previous article, I have shared with you the value of cultivating children's "independent motivation" many times. This book is devoted to this-

How to cultivate children's self-discipline scientifically and effectively?

Other children know to do their homework first after school; Other people's children are conscious of punctuality every time they play ipad. Other people's children can take care of their own lives without supervision. ...

These enviable "other people's children" are likely to have "independent motives".

To put it bluntly, "other people's children" know that these things are their own business and should have a sense of control over their study and life.

This spontaneous autonomy is of course much more effective and relaxed than the compulsion of adults.

The authors are William Stix Ruud and Ned Johnson, one is a famous clinical neuropsychologist in the United States, and the other is an expert in parent-child interaction and anxiety management education. After more than 30 years of research, they found that:

Especially in view of the current rising anxiety environment, we need to let go of anxiety, find a sense of self-control, and more importantly, promote children's sense of harvest control.

This is of great significance and value to a child's life.

The book also provides first-hand clinical cases and practical guidelines. In particular, there is a column "What to Do Tonight", which takes parents as an introduction, so that we can integrate the theories mentioned in the book into our daily life and effectively improve our children's self-motivation.

4. Game power

Author | Lawrence Cohen

Published by China Population Publishing House, 20 18.

Some people say: "Games are children's second life, and games are human nature."

We certainly know the importance of games to children, but we often forget that we can use games to deal with children, and we don't know how to turn games into a good way to help children grow up.

Lawrence Cohen, an American clinical psychologist, focuses on children's play, game therapy and parenting education. He found that:

Interacting with children in a playful way can cultivate intimacy and help children stay away from loneliness; Can cultivate children's self-confidence and stay away from helplessness; It can also cultivate children's emotional resilience.

This book is called "Two-way Translation Machine for Parent-child Communication", won the "National Parent-child Publishing Award" and developed "Game Power Training"-

Playing games as the main parenting method helps parents see their children's inner needs, helps children learn to face setbacks, learn to cooperate with others, and create a happy family atmosphere full of love.

Hundreds of interesting cases in the book directly point to the parenting confusion in every mother's heart.

When children are angry and ignore others, when children are anxious about speaking, when children lose their temper and throw things ... We can understand the deep reasonable needs from these superficial unreasonable phenomena, and use simple and fun "games" to resolve contradictions and help children understand themselves and adjust their emotions.

Thanks to this set of books, we can appreciate the wonderful use of "game power" and how to use it in interaction with children.

5. "Teach optimistic children:

Let children benefit from a lifetime of happiness classics. "

Author | Martin seligman, Karen Levik, et al.

Publishing | Beijing United Publishing Company, 20 17

Martin seligman, the "father of positive psychology", emphasized that pessimism is a poison for children; Whether children are optimistic or not is the fundamental symbol of the success or failure of education.

Optimism can be acquired through acquired training. Martin seligman applied the research results of more than 30 years and the concept of positive psychology to cultivate the optimistic quality of adults and children.

In this book, he regards "optimism, interest and habit" as the qualities that children need to cultivate most, among which optimism is the most basic and important.

But at the same time, he also reminds readers' parents that optimism is not everything, it can't replace parents' good upbringing, and it can't replace children's three views.

Optimism is more like a powerful tool. Good optimism can promote a better sense of justice and accomplishment; But if children learn incorrect optimism, they will be defeated by life in emptiness and misunderstanding.

In particular, he criticized pure positive education, pure encouragement education and self-esteem education, and advocated using scientific and reasonable ABCDE law to teach optimistic children.

In the process of reading this book, we can first learn the correct way of attribution and interpretation, and then penetrate into children a little bit in our lives, and naturally we can cultivate optimistic children.

Martin seligman's research achievements are being practiced by many key schools at home and abroad, including Tsinghua University in China, Wellington College, the top private school of British nobility, and Keelung College of Grammar, a famous Australian private school.

Parents and families—

6. Nervous family

Author | Augustus Napier, Carl Whitaker

Publishing | Beijing United Publishing Company, 20 15

The influence of family background will accompany everyone's life.

So I know that many children's boots are trying to grow and change, to bridge the negative impact of family background and avoid infecting children.

However, it is not easy to really break through the curse of the origin family. The book "Family on Hot Toes" just wants to tell us: "A person may not be able to break through the family, but a family can."

The hero in the book is a Bryce family of seven:

A husband devoted to his career; A wife who has experienced widowed parenting; A daughter who is in a rebellious period of youth and often runs away from home; Pretend that you are a powerful son; A little daughter who doesn't want her family to quarrel again; And grandparents who can't help.

This family is experiencing many problems that families will encounter-the physical separation of husband and wife, the daughter's suicide by leaving home, and the son's strong appearance and fragile heart ... This family is often full of negative emotions of anger, resentment and disgust.

Later, with the intervention and help of family therapists, all the problems at home were solved one by one. Every family member has gradually recognized his position in the family, understood the relationship and interaction between family members, the influence of marriage on the family and so on.

As pioneers in the field of family therapy, Augustus Napier and Carl Whitaker took the true story of the Bryce family as a case, and presented us with the concept and method of "family therapy" through the ups and downs of the novel.

This book was published in the United States from 65438 to 0978 and sold well for 32 years, so it is called the classic of the House of Origin.

If children's boots are suffering from marriage, parent-child problems and their own problems and feel isolated, it is better to start with this book and stop being trapped in the desperate situation of fighting alone.

Family is a powerful backer who can share joys and sorrows.

7. Parents' awakening

Author | Safari Sabari

Publishing | Shanghai Academy of Social Sciences Press, 20 13

"In the process of raising children, there will be many situations that require a struggle between reason and mind-or a struggle between conceit and sincerity."

Shafali Sabari, a doctor of clinical psychology and an expert in education at Columbia University, has a deep insight into the educational difficulties that parents often face, and combines mindfulness with psychological concepts to form her own unique concept of awakening education.

She thinks that what we do may interrupt children's progress and hold them back; It can also inspire children and make them better and better.

In this process, only when parents' minds are mature and stable enough can children have a sound personality under the correct education. In other words: "Every child has his own unique life plan, and only awakened parents can help their children have the best fate trajectory."

This excellent book has won the TOP 10 list of "Books Affecting Teachers" in China Education Newspaper, and it is also the recommended bibliography of many kindergartens, schools and parent-child reading clubs.

The book discusses the reasons and manifestations of parents' non-awakening, how to become awakened parents and how to help children grow up. While reading, I reflected on myself and gained a lot of insights.

Adults need to "wake up", learn to accept children and learn to accept themselves.

If mom and dad can't accept who they really are, children will never really come near us, nor will they grow up to be what they should be.

Therefore, instead of focusing on children's achievements and problems, we should pay more attention to ourselves, the family atmosphere and the intimate relationship between husband and wife.

8. "13 What strong parents won't do"

Author | Amy Moline

Publishing | CITIC Publishing House, 2020

Every parent wants their children's future to be bright and beautiful, and will do their best to make the greatest efforts for this goal.

However, in this process, some parents may go in the wrong direction, make wrong efforts, and even try to isolate their children from pain and reality. It seems that this will ensure their successful life.

However, what children really need is to acquire skills in a real environment and make themselves strong inside.

It is never the predicament that makes children vulnerable, but the attitude and actions of parents in the face of difficulties.

Amy Moline, the author of this book, is a world-famous psychotherapist, praised as a "self-help tutor" by The Guardian, a "star of thought leaders" by Forbes and "one of 65,438+000 leader speakers" by Inc.

Between the lines, he wants to help us eliminate the negative mentality and behavior in the process of parenting, because those parents who are victims, shirk their responsibilities, overprotect, dominated by fear, demanding perfection and pursuing shortcuts will never be able to cultivate excellent children.

Raising children with the victim mentality will create new victims; Demanding perfection will make children think that they are always inferior to others.

The content of this book is divided into 13 parts, covering 13 different negative attitudes and behaviors, and directly attacking the common pain of education in the family. Through detailed interpretation, case display, practical skills and action guides, parents can completely change their parenting thinking and raise their children with strong inner strength.

The way we raise our children determines their future. I hope that children's boots can realize their own shortcomings in mentality and behavior through this book, and then start from changing themselves, which will have a positive impact on children and make them more confident, tenacious and happier.

9. Give me your hand, son

Author | Heim Guinot

Publishing | Beijing United Publishing Company, 20 18

Most parents never realize that their language hides destructive power, and what they say is probably what their parents once said to themselves.

These words also deeply hurt their childhood feelings, but when they grow up to be parents, they become their most annoying appearance.

"There are endless minor troubles, staged conflicts and sudden crises between parents and children."

The response to these crises tests every parent. All kinds of misfortunes occur in communication, not because of lack of love, but because of not understanding children; Not because of lack of wisdom, but because of lack of communication skills.

This best-selling book dedicated to "effective communication with children" is considered to be of revolutionary significance and has completely changed the way parents communicate with their children.

The author Heim G. Guinot is a doctor of psychology, a clinical psychologist and an expert in child therapy. He told parents all over the world that love is not enough, and communication between parents and children also needs skills.

The contents of the book include: understanding and empathy, how to effectively praise children, guide children instead of criticizing, how to deal with anger and other emotional problems, and so on.

What impressed me most is that as parents, we should understand the chaos in our children's hearts. This kind of "understanding" behavior can let children know that their ideas are valuable and their feelings are valued.

The author emphasizes responding to children's feelings, giving them understanding and respect, and not criticizing their behavior.

Children will gain self-awareness and self-esteem because of their parents' understanding, and then learn to understand and respect the people and things around them.

Although this book is mainly about "how to communicate with children", many ideas and concepts can also help us adults to complete self-purification and regain consciousness, self-confidence and self-esteem from childhood trauma and negative experiences.

10. Shop selling mom and dad

Author | Pang Di

Publishing | Relay Press, 20 19

Finally, I recommend a super funny and healing picture book to you.

The author is Ponty, a master of French court-level books and books, as well as Lewis, the author of Alice in Wonderland. He once won the highest honor of French children's books-"Magician's Special Achievement Award".

In the book, there is a magical store that sells 35 types of parents in the world. If children are not satisfied with their current parents, they can choose a type from the book and fill it in the reservation form at the back of the book, waiting for "home delivery".

What types of parents are there in the world?

There are bold adventurers, cautious, comfortable and super popular with children, lonely, bright future, fierce and kind, super complex and so on ...

There are many beautiful parents, but there are also many unsalable parents. They are being treated as "big sale", such as the perfect type with a score of 100 and the big bad guy type.

Although it is a picture book, I always think it is for us adults. Because anyone who sees it will think: What kind of mother am I in the child's heart?

The parents described in the book will not completely correspond to us in reality, but they will always correspond to the characteristics of a certain side.

After reading it, we naturally gained something and were inspired. We can affirm the parts that are popular and beneficial to children, and we can also reflect on the parts that we did badly and were "returned" by children.

Children's boots are a good choice to accompany children to study or buy quietly ~

Ok, that's all for today's growth list.

Although they are all great books I have read, I still want to tell you that it is better to believe in books than to have no books.

Reading is a more personal thing, especially the list of books for my mother. I have always been cautious.

Because everyone's reading needs are different, their understanding of the same book will be very different.

Therefore, I sincerely hope that everyone can make their own thoughts and summaries while reading.

Then, use our harvest in the daily life of raising children, test learning through practice, and enrich our understanding and thoughts.

Only in this way can we stand on our own feet and relax our self-growth, and help us not to be held hostage and kidnapped by anxiety in the great era; Only by achieving yourself first can we raise excellent children.

Ma Chuan, talk about it.

After studying management for 20 years and raising a baby for 8 years, I found that the biggest similarity between them is that they are both science and art.

In management, no matter how many business literature books you read, you can't manage an enterprise well. Parenting is similar. No matter how many parenting books you read, you may not be able to raise a good child. Every child is a unique individual and grows up in a unique environment. The best way to raise him must be unique.

Only we have the opportunity and motivation to find it. Although we can't copy other people's experience, watching and listening can help us broaden our horizons, avoid detours and find our way earlier.