It is natural to do well, and we should even learn from those who do better. Those who don't do well will be punished, and almost no recognition or encouragement will be mentioned from beginning to end.
In the variety "Teenagers Say", some children were criticized: their grades were not good and they were not qualified to go out to play.
Parents keep denying that the starting point may be good, but the result is like a sharp knife, which hurts the child very much. ...
"Why can't I get a first-class scholarship?" Colleague Xiao Wang and his family are very nervous. Her parents have been strict with her since she was a child, even to the point of harshness.
Since childhood, she has made outstanding achievements, ranking in the top three in her class every time, but her parents have always told her that it is useless to do well in an exam and not to be proud. If you don't do well in the exam, you will be punished by corporal punishment.
Xiao Wang clearly remembers that once she hesitated to endorse, and her mother slapped her in front of other relatives. At that time, she was deceived and couldn't remember the next sentence for a long time.
Later, Wang Kao went to a famous university, and the competition was fierce. In the first semester, she won the second-class scholarship of the school. She happily reported good news to her parents, but her father said, "Why can't she get the first-class scholarship?"
Since then, Xiao Wang has been reluctant to share good news or bad news with his parents. She is good in everyone's eyes, but she is very fragile and sensitive inside.
Xiao Wang summed up a classic sentence. She said: negation is negation. Where did you get your education? It can be seen that it has been greatly hurt.
In fact, you can tell your children in one sentence that you still have a lot of room for improvement, but most parents in China bury their love in their hearts, talk about their apologies and say "You can't".
If this kind of negativity is mixed with encouragement, it will not be too comfortable anyway. We don't advocate coaxing children's parents, but don't hurt them like this.
"Negative education" will ruin children's growth mentality. Carol Dweck, a professor of behavioral psychology at Stanford University in the United States, once summed up two attitudes towards setbacks: "fixed mentality" and "growing mentality".
People who develop a fixed mentality are always questioning their abilities when encountering setbacks, and they are becoming more and more negative and unconfident; People with growth mentality believe that "failure is the mother of success" and can sum up experiences and lessons from setbacks, believing that this will improve their abilities.
For children, they can't immediately understand their parents' good intentions, but instead form a fixed mentality in their parents' constant denial. Always struggling in the shadow of "other people's children" will have the following negative effects.
1. Have an inferiority complex
Children who have been under "negative education" for a long time will feel inferior and think that they really can't do anything well, and there is no way to make their parents happy through superior performance. They will be doubly hard on themselves and feel more inferior.
When they grow up, they may not have the courage to fight for their favorite jobs, but listen to their parents' arrangements and do nothing. Even if you get praise, you think it is encouragement from others or polite words, so be careful.
2. Lead to the occurrence of mental illness.
When children are young, their parents are the closest people, and their self-evaluation is largely established with the help of their parents. Parents' long-term denial will make children psychologically biased.
If you don't relieve depression in time, you will hide all negative emotions in your heart, which will easily lead to depression, mania, loneliness and other behaviors, and even lead to mental illness.
3. Tension with parents
Children who have been under "negative education" for a long time will find that as long as they communicate with their parents, they may quarrel or even be criticized, so in order to avoid this situation, they will form a habit of not telling their parents whatever happens.
Avoiding communication with parents is the only way they can go. It is the first choice for such children to hide or even stay away from their parents. Family members may be just a cage in their eyes, bringing him endless criticism and denial.
This generation not only has a tense parent-child relationship, but when the child grows up and it is his turn to form a family, his heart may be full of rejection and fear.
Alfred adler, the founder of Adler's psychological school, first proposed that improper family education may make individuals feel helpless all the time in childhood, always think that they are weaker/stupid than others, or feel that they can only rely on others, and so on.
The child is doing a very difficult thing. You can point out his shortcomings, but don't deny his ability. You can encourage him to continue his efforts.
But don't ignore that the blow is an incentive. Children don't have your strong heart and discernment. Whether he is confident or not is closely related to his parents' behavior.
How to educate children not to "deny"? 1. Don't blame easily.
Don't blame the child easily until you know the cause and effect of the matter. It is definitely not a good start to solve the problem that parents and children fall in love emotionally first.
If the child does something wrong or fails in the exam, he is very anxious. Parents shouldn't make things worse. The first step is to accept the reality, then accept the child's emotions, his sadness, unwillingness and disbelief, and then start to understand the situation.
In other words, you don't have to criticize your children in a hurry. Don't let every time you find a problem become a battlefield for parents and children!
Listen attentively
Listening is very difficult for many parents. They often say that they have no time, but in fact, they often lack patience. Do you remember the Ming-style quotations? I don't want you to think, I want me to think!
Turn a deaf ear to the child's expression, turn a deaf ear to the child's repeated requests, and always say I don't want to hear it. It's not that the child is disobedient, it's that you talk too much and are too hard!
When your child expresses his will or attitude to you, listen attentively, and be more patient when he explains what happened to you. The process of speaking and listening is the process of children venting their emotions and clearing their minds.
This process can not be omitted, which is not only the respect of parents for their children, but also the entrance to solve the problem. So, put down your mobile phone, put down your chores, and listen to what the children have to say before you decide what to do.
3. Positive feedback
Parents should give their children two feedback points. One is emotional understanding and support. You can say "yes" or "I know" in the process of listening, and politely say "it's not your fault" after understanding the whole story.
Or use your body to express your understanding of the child, hug her, or pat the child on the shoulder. Give children positive emotional feedback.
The second is the feedback of events. I didn't do well in the exam, so I was embarrassed to fight with my children. In the face of children's problems, parents can provide reasonable suggestions based on their past experience and grow up with their children instead of denying them immediately.
"You are too timid." "You are born stupid." "I don't see that you can do it yourself." ...
These negative words from parents are tantamount to sprinkling salt on the child's wound. "Bad-hearted" parents are unpopular and easily misunderstood by children. They don't love me, and even think that "my parents never loved me".
Write at the end:
I believe that parents all over the world love their children, but they are still following the old routine in education. Don't spoil your child, but don't deliberately hide flowers and applause, or comfort your child when he fails.
If you want to make your child stronger, don't always stand on top of yourself and look at everything your child does with God's eyes. Bend down, the world will be wider, and children will be happier and stronger. Try it if you don't believe me!