Do we often do things that hurt children in the name of "love" in the process of raising children? Perhaps the chapter "Control is emotional blackmail to children" in Teacher Sydney's When I Meet a Person can give us some answers.
Where parents' desire for control extends, children will experience a lifetime of twisted pain there. If parents live a child's life, how will the child live? The less control there is, the more likely the child's life is.
A mother said that the elderly at home forced their children to breastfeed, and the children cried and vomited. The child opened his mouth and cried, and the old man quickly stuffed another mouthful of rice. Mother herself was forced to eat, even if she was ill and lost her appetite, because the old man thought that "eating is right."
Only when people's true feelings are confirmed can there be a sense of happiness. Once parents are poisoned by "correct ideas", they will ignore or even completely deny their children's true feelings, and the family will become hell. "You don't love me, you can't see me, you just want to control me. How shameful I am alive. "
If you often force your child to eat, the child will not become healthy, but will learn that "eating equals pain"; If you often urge children to learn, children will not feel that "learning equals pain" because they have the ability to learn independently; If you often complain to your child about your spouse's fault, your spouse will not get better, but your child has learned that "marriage equals pain" ... wherever the parents' desire for control extends, the child will experience twisted pain all his life.
Parents may be unhappy in marriage and unsatisfactory in work, even if they have many shortcomings, it doesn't matter. Children don't need perfect parents. As long as parents can control themselves and don't try to teach their children how to live and think, children can live a wonderful life far beyond their parents' imagination. Regrettably, the more painful some parents are, the more they have endless desire to control their children and even force them to death.
The control and anti-control in parent-child relationship are often because these parents did not get timely response and comfort in infancy, crying was ignored, and even sent to other people's homes to send samples. The mother's uncontrollable and unpredictable nature makes babies suffer from "non-existence" all the time, which is more terrible than death, so they will pursue control crazily when they grow up.
For example, a mother once tried to ignore her child's homework, because she actually knew in her heart that staring at her child's homework every day would not promote her child's learning well, but would only make her child more and more disgusted with learning. She made up her mind not to care about her children's homework, but when she saw her children watching TV and eating snacks for a while, her heart felt like there were 10 thousand ants scratching and biting, which was extremely painful. This kind of pain drives the mother to discipline and control the child, because only by controlling the child can her pain be alleviated, just like drug addiction.
So every time I say, "No matter the children, the children's problems will be gone", there will always be fierce opposition from many parents. The objection is that children will degenerate regardless of their feet. But this reason does not hold water at all. There are so many free children who are smart, healthy, kind and empathetic that they can't persuade their parents to let go of control, because the real reason is that disciplining children is a drug to relieve their pain when they are addicted to drugs.
When I graduated from college, my mother repeatedly called me to ask me about my work. Every time I feel overwhelmed, I say angrily, "If you push me again, I will commit suicide." Mom was very angry, but she still made one phone call after another. I felt as if I had been thrown out, and suddenly realized how absurd it was to compete with each other. I want to change. What's the difference between a mother and a mother who wants to take care of me? I was forced to commit suicide, not only because of my mother's desire for control, but also because I wanted to control her, make her repent and let her know how painful I was. It is this desire for transformation that binds me and my mother tightly together. If I let go, no one can catch me. It is not others who imprison me, but myself. If I have no desire to control others, no one can control me.
Samsara has a great driving force, so we can pass the pain on to our children and spouses. Once, I felt that I strongly wanted to contact others because of a little disappointment. I knew I had to open my mouth to accuse and control others, so I didn't speak for two days, only my own pain. This may not be a good idea, but if parents have a strong will to control themselves and not their children, suffering can be terminated.
If you haven't tasted love and freedom, parents will mistakenly think that the relationship with their children is just controlled. Psychopathic parents often threaten their children: "You don't want me to take care of it, do you?" Ok, I won't care about you in the future! What children feel is either controlled or abandoned. This is why parents are so afraid of freedom-they are not free, and they are afraid to give their children complete freedom. It is because of fear that all kinds of negative associations are projected on freedom.
My favorite child educator, Sun Ruixue, the author of Love and Freedom, said, "If you want to know the value of freedom, just look at the walking chicken." . Freedom will bring the best development, whether it is animals or people, culture or economy. Where parents don't control their children, they will develop well.
There was a millionaire father who went abroad for his son, put aside company affairs and accompanied his son to learn IELTS every day. He always complains about his son: "At this age, he still worries his parents." After receiving psychological counseling, love suddenly welled up in my father's mind. He sincerely said to his son, "whether you want to go abroad or not;" It's good to be admitted to school, not to be admitted to school, and not to be admitted to home. We can all accept all the results. "Hearing his father's words, my son relaxed from head to toe, and happiness was blooming. Later, my son solved all the problems of studying abroad by himself.
Some parents will wonder: what should be managed and what can be ignored? The way to judge is: whose business this is, no matter how much parents don't like it, try to keep your mouth shut and mind your own business. If children want to listen to their parents' opinions, then parents had better share their life experiences with their children instead of just telling them "brilliant" conclusions. Without an answer, there is one more possibility in a child's life.
A mother said, "Raising children with love and freedom is often opposed and ridiculed by people around you, and it is very stressful." I asked, "Those who oppose you, are their spiritual lives growing, or are they getting more and more distorted?" "They have a hard time themselves and always teach me how to take care of my children." So, if you are always opposed by such people, you should know that you are actually doing the right thing.
The author has something to say.
I always believe that children who grow up in love and freedom will have a rich and wonderful life. As Teacher Sydney said, "Without an answer, there is one more possibility in a child's life." May we all have less control in the process of being parents, and try our best to mind our own mouths and affairs.