1, changes in family structure. Under the traditional one-child policy, the structure of most families is "2+2+ 1" mode, that is, they are composed of grandparents, parents and children, or they are nuclear families with "2+ 1" mode, that is, they are composed of parents and children. The child who grew up in this family mode has undoubtedly become the core and focus of the whole family, and he can get the love and attention of the whole family. However, when the second child was born, this structure was broken, the resources in the family needed to be redistributed, and the competition between children began to appear in time, material and even family.

2. Changes in family members. After the birth of the second child, family members pay more attention to the younger child. First of all, the main caregivers take care of them more often, and there is a symbiotic relationship between the second child and his parents that is completely dependent. At this time, the "big brother" is basically in kindergarten or primary school. Due to limited energy, parents will have a stronger desire for the independence of "Big Brother", so they often say things like "You are a big brother now, you should be sensible", as if Big Brother would grow up by default overnight. Secondly, it is the attitude and behavior of other people in the family, such as relatives and friends. When people come from home, everyone will habitually see or hug the little one first, and then a circle of people will play around the little one. At this time, the "boss" may just look at it alone outside the circle and keep shouting in his heart: Look at me, look at me, I look good, too. Some adults also like to play practical jokes on their children. I often hear them say to the "boss", "Oh, what a pity, there is a sister whose parents don't want you." After seeing the children crying, the adults laughed happily. A news item on the Internet also said the same thing. Later, the "boss" threw his second child off the balcony while adults were not paying attention, which led to a tragedy. In fact, this is something that parents need to pay great attention to. A simple joke played by an adult cast a shadow over the child's heart.

3. The change of "boss". Such as the changes in family structure and family members, the birth of a second child has brought psychological, emotional and behavioral effects to the "eldest brother".

I have a five-year-old niece. When she was three years old, her parents gave her a brother. After her brother was born, she obviously changed, that is, she wouldn't let people she liked hold her brother. First, you will hold the hand of the person you hold, then you will cry, and then you will walk away sadly. When there is no other way, her father usually holds the big one in one hand and the small one in the other. There is another change, that is, for a long time, I have always denied my "sister" status and will say that I am "sister" and younger than my brother. Asked why she wanted to be a "sister", she said that her sister is cuter and can eat a lot. From this example, we can easily find out how wonderful the psychological world of "Boss" has changed after having a second child.

First of all, in cognition, the "boss" will directly feel the threat from the second child and have the fear of being ignored and abandoned. Psychoanalyst Winnicott has a saying that "a baby looks up at his mother, and what he sees in his mother's eyes is TA himself", which shows that the child's sense of existence and self-identity comes from his mother's gaze. When there is a little more life in the family, the concern and response of the "boss" is relatively reduced. For the "boss", there will be a kind of anxiety and anxiety of "losing oneself" and "not having oneself". Therefore, emotionally, the "boss" will become sensitive, fragile, easy to cry, difficult to persuade for a longer time, lose his temper at the slightest sign, fight with his parents, and have obvious jealousy and anger. In behavior, it is love to compete with the second child for toys and food, and even to push and beat the second child. At the same time, there will be some degenerate behaviors. For example, I know I can eat, dress and brush my teeth, but now I ask my parents to help me. I used to sleep alone, but now I want my mother to hug me. Some school-age students may also have poor grades and are difficult to learn. This is a signal that the child is using his way to attract parents' attention and urgently needs parents' attention.

Second, sibling competition: the essence of sibling relationship

Sibling relationship is the earliest interpersonal relationship in a person's life, which has a far-reaching impact on our character, marriage and work when we grow up. All families who have a second child have such an expectation that children can accompany each other and care for each other. This is actually a beautification of the relationship between compatriots. The true sibling relationship is "love and kill each other." Cao Zhi's "Seven Steps Poetry" "Boil beans and burn beans, and beans cry in the kettle. This is the same root, why rush to speculate with each other? " Write the struggle between life and death of compatriots very vividly. Psychologically, the relationship between parents and children is a triangular closed relationship. The combination of men and women gives birth to children, and the birth of children also gives men and women the role of parents, which is an interdependent relationship. Brothers and sisters are different. Who comes first, who grows up and who is young. Without one party, the other party can still exist independently. Therefore, sibling relationship contains a basic fear: whether I exist or not may not matter. Competition between compatriots is often more instinctive than mutual assistance, and the early sibling relationship was dominated by competition.

There are many ways to compete. We often have verbal and physical conflicts because of food, clothing and play. People with more than two children at home generally quarrel or fight from an early age. On the surface, two children are arguing about a small toy, but in fact they are fighting for the big thing of "self-survival". If parents come forward to stop him at this time and persuade the "boss" to say "you are your sister, you have to make room for your sister", it can be said that the "boss" failed in this struggle. In the long run, the "boss" will spend his whole life doing one thing: proving that I am better than my brother or sister and that I am worthy of love. Usually, since high school, children have fewer quarrels and fights, but this does not mean that their competition has disappeared, but in a more mature and hidden way. For example, it will be hidden in the comparison of academic performance, college entrance examination, finding an object, finding a job and so on. Although they may have succeeded in these aspects, the pressure of compatriot competition and the question of "am I worthy of love" often bother them, making them uncomfortable and happy.

Third, the balance of love: from "sibling invasion" to "sibling blind date"

At this point, parents should not be afraid, because the relationship between brother and sister is both aggressive, gentle and intimate. Children can support each other, and the elderly can take care of the young, learn from each other, imitate each other, and identify with each other, which are not available from the parent-child relationship of parents. Therefore, how to balance the love for children and let children move from "sibling aggression" to "sibling blind date", I mainly want to share two points:

1, treat every child fairly and treat them differently.

In ancient China, there was a saying that "not suffering from widowhood but suffering from inequality", which shows that people have been afraid of not being treated fairly since ancient times. It is difficult for parents to be absolutely fair in the family. It can only be said that parents must first have this awareness. Even after giving birth to the second child, we should pay more attention to and accompany the "eldest brother" in time, because the mother's energy is mainly focused on taking care of the younger one. At this time, dad or other family members need to give more support and take the initiative to share some matters of raising children. Try to be fair in material aspects such as food, clothing, housing and transportation. Some families may have a heavier financial burden after giving birth to a second child. When shopping, they will give priority to the second child rather than the "boss", or think that the "boss" doesn't need to be like the second child when he grows up. This is actually very wrong. A friend of mine once complained that every time my sister went back to her hometown, her parents would cook a lot of delicious dishes and make her bed in advance, but when she went back to her hometown, her parents just made do with not making the bed and felt that they loved her more. In fact, her parents felt very wronged when they heard her say this. Their palms are all meat. They must all be love. It's just that they think my sister goes back to her hometown less often, and she is more fully prepared when she comes back. My friend often comes back, so he feels at home. It can be seen that the competition between compatriots has always existed. Although children are older and even adults, the struggle for parents' love has never stopped. There is also the need to be fair and just when educating children, rather than asking for the "boss" and asking for the second child. There is no uniform standard. Finally, on the principle of fairness, differentiated parenting. Most people should have had such distress, and there will always be a "child from another family" at home. After the second child came, another one appeared in such a child's home. Parents are no longer as flustered as they were when they first became parents. Naturally, the experience of raising the first child will be transferred to the second child, so there will always be various comparisons between the two children. For example, "this child sleeps better", "that child is more lively and naughty" and "the second child learns to talk and walk earlier than the boss, and the second child is smarter". There are no two identical leaves in the world, and no two people look exactly alike. Appropriate comparison is conducive to cultivating children's sense of competition, while simple and rude comparison will only make the relationship between the two children more tense, and the excellent ones will feel proud and almost form an incorrect understanding of themselves. In the long run, children will lack self-confidence, be timid in doing things, be afraid to try new things and be afraid of failure.

2. See and understand the thoughts and behaviors of respecting children.

Younger and more helpless children can get more attention, care and physical closeness from their parents, which is a temptation for the "boss" to attract and shrink back, because this is what the "boss" needs to restrain. In this case, after the birth of the second child, it is quite normal for the "boss" in the family to be jealous, envious, degenerate, childish and aggressive. However, when some of our parents see the boss bullying the second child, their usual reaction is anxiety and anger. They will criticize the boss, such as "Now that you have grown up, how can you hit people", "Your mother doesn't like you", and even more severe parents will punish the children; If the child has degenerated, he will feel that the child is so disobedient and unreasonable, and then he will be educated. This will not only make the "boss" realize his mistake, but also make TA feel wronged and will do these things more frequently in the future. As we said before, these are some signals that children seek attention. Parents should give their children some ways out, communicate with them patiently, listen to their voices and understand their thoughts and behaviors. And it is very important to express your love to your boss often and directly.

Every family has an orderly position, so do the children, with the eldest son first. Only when the big ones are respected and seen can they feel love; When a person does not lack love, he can only give love to others, and his brother/sister can feel his brother/sister's acceptance and love.