Many parents are used to being their children's "umbrellas" and protecting them everywhere. They are afraid that their children will be hit by a little wind and rain, which will make them lose the space for independent growth and miss the opportunity to learn self-control. The growth of children is a process that requires constant self-experience and self-responsibility. Only when parents learn to let go can children really grow up.
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Parents learn to let go and give their children a chance to try and experience. Every parent knows that children's independence is very important, and they also know that it is necessary to cultivate their independence from an early age and let their children learn to manage themselves, but they don't know how to do it. What we often see is that almost all parents are doing things that they can help their children. Because parents deprive their children of the right to try and experience themselves, they also lose the opportunity to learn self-control.
I remember reading this story online:
A China father took his children on a trip to Germany. One day, at the seaside, he saw a German mother sitting on the sofa reading a book, but her children grabbed a handful of sand and stuffed it into their mouth.
When the father saw it, he stepped forward in a hurry and reminded the German mother, "Your child is going to eat sand." However, my mother was at a loss. "So what?" She said that after he tasted it, he knew that the sand was not delicious, so he naturally stopped eating it.
Father was very surprised. If this were China, most parents would stop their children and tell them that the sand is not edible, or that the children themselves find it hard to swallow. The conclusion is the same, but the method of reaching this conclusion is different. The former is the indirect experience provided by children after their parents' judgment; In the latter case, the child is a direct experience after personal experience.
The only difference is the experience. If you recall one thing that impressed us deeply, you will find that it is basically your own personal experience. Sometimes, children can learn more from what adults think is easy and have a far-reaching impact on them.
The process of children's growth is a socialization process. One of the remarkable features of this process is practicality. They can understand a lot of truth through personal experience, and parents should provide their children with as many opportunities to experience as possible.
Children's growth is irreplaceable, and parents are often too eager to help them, or it is right to ask them to do something. But it is also the case that parents deprive their children of the opportunity to discover, stifle their interest in learning and dampen their initiative to solve problems.
Parents should learn to let their children grow up. Children with strong living ability will be confident and attractive when they grow up.
Don't be afraid of children wrestling. Children can get up by themselves. Every child will wrestle and fall on the road of growth. Faced with this situation, parents' practices can be roughly divided into two types:
The first type: when the child falls, parents worry that the child is injured, and immediately run to help and comfort while helping. When parents show panic, children who don't cry will be infected by their parents, resulting in fear, tension and injustice, and they will start to cry. The more they coax their children to cry, the more uncomfortable they will be.
The second type: when the child falls, secretly observe the child's performance. If the child feels that the fall is not serious, parents will encourage the child to stand up and even turn a blind eye. This will make children feel that wrestling is not a big deal, and children will choose to get up slowly, thus cultivating their strong willpower.
Comparing these two methods, the second one is undoubtedly wise. This seemingly indifferent parenting style is actually a deeper love, which can help children learn to control their emotions and behaviors after wrestling and improve their self-control.
Parents should realize that children are faced with a fall when they are young, and they may face setbacks in many aspects such as study, work and feelings in the future. If children want to face those "falls" firmly, they must learn to let go from an early age and believe that children can get up by themselves.
Of course, behind the parents' letting go is to create opportunities for their children to grow up. In this process, parents should pay attention to the following points:
1, act according to circumstances and give encouragement to children.
Let the children get up, don't just stand by and watch. When the child falls heavily, parents still have to show love, otherwise it will make the child feel that their parents don't love him. At the critical moment, they should encourage their children and let them learn to be strong.
For example, if a child "falls down" (encounters setbacks) in study or other aspects, rational parents should ask: "Are you okay?" Listening to children's feelings is also a kind of care. Children will be moved and satisfied by their parents' actions and regain their strength.
2. Analyze the reasons and encourage children to "walk again".
In the process of children's growth, wrestling, falling and even injury are inevitable. After the child falls, you can't let the child "fall in vain". They should help children analyze the reasons and let them learn to protect themselves.
Adam Grant, an American psychologist, said that small wins can help children regain their self-confidence. If a toddler stumbles over a small stone, encouraging Ta to "walk again" is the best way to regain confidence and help Ta get rid of hesitation when walking the same road again. And when a kindergarten child encounters setbacks because of wearing pants, it is also a good way to regain confidence by letting Ta be patient again. The purpose is to let children get this psychological feeling-I made a mistake, and now I have found a way to avoid it.
Parents should not only care about their children's "falls", but also not be too serious. Children can "get up" and "walk again" after "falling" is a complete growth.
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Let children make their own decisions and learn to be responsible for themselves. We often think that it is parents' bounden duty to make decisions for their children, but we ignore one thing. Although children are young, they also have their own ideas, preferences and judgments. They may know better than you what they like and what they are good at.
I remember when I was a child, there was a 9-year-old boy in my neighbor's house. His father is a basketball coach. In order to train him to be the next Yao Ming, he is forced to do all kinds of training every day, but he has no interest in basketball and often tries to be lazy. By chance, he saw others dancing folk dance and was immediately attracted, so he watched online teaching videos and practiced repeatedly whenever he had time. When his father found out, Pang beat him up, but he still insisted on not giving up. Finally, he was admitted to Beijing Dance Academy and became a very good dancer.
Many parents like to make decisions and choices for their children. In their view, this is for their own children and for their own good. There is a ridicule on the Internet: "There is a kind of coldness that makes mom feel that you are cold." Such examples can be seen everywhere in life.
I remember in the park, I saw a child wearing thin clothes and playing with the ball excitedly. My mother stood by with clothes in her hand. In fact, the child was in a state of exercise and it was not easy to feel cold. But my mother has been urging her children to add clothes, without actually considering their feelings.
Parents often judge their children's needs through their own feelings, and then meet this demand by themselves. As everyone knows, this may not be what children need. The correct way for parents is to think from the child's point of view, analyze the child's needs, give the decision to the child, and let the child be responsible for his own decision.
Educator Montessori has a set of "independent growth theory". She believes that independence is the cohesion of the natural development of all living things. Parents should understand that the decision to help their children do anything, although providing them with a superior and comfortable environment, makes them lose their independence. You know, once dependence becomes a habit, it's hard to get rid of it.
If we think our children are too young to make the right decision, as parents, we can guide them to make a decision after communicating with them. But if once you agree to let him make his own decision, then you should trust him, respect his decision and don't interfere.
Don't label children casually, and respect their personality. There is such a fable, which tells:
A lion woke up and found a label on his tail that said "Donkey".
The lion was very angry and tried his best to get the label off, but it was useless.
What annoys him even more is that whenever he walks on the road, other animals will point to the label on his tail and whisper, "That's a donkey, not a lion."
At first, the lion didn't think he was a donkey, because he was stronger than other lions and he was a fierce lion. Compared with other animals, he is bigger.
But the sound of saying that it is a donkey is much more, and it begins to doubt its true identity.
One day, the lion asked another lion angrily, "Do you think I am also a donkey?"
The lion said, "Mr. Donkey, although you look like me, you and I are not the same." Your tail clearly says' donkey'! "
Gradually, the lion admitted that he was a donkey.
And this is no different from people.
When a person is labeled with a name, he will carry out self-image management to make his behavior consistent with the labeled content, which is the so-called "labeling effect".
American psychologist Bechor said: "Once a person is labeled, he will become a labeled person."
Please recall what you once said:
"My baby is a little timid!"
"He is too timid. He doesn't call people when he meets strangers, as his father did when he was a child. "
"Oh, stop it. I'm so stupid. Everything feels slow. I am so worried! "
"Three minutes of heat!"
"I like bullying other children, which makes me very angry."
……
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Parents may think: I put these labels on my children because I hope to hint and guide them to develop in the direction their parents expect. However, as a child whose emotional management ability has not been developed, once labeled as negative, bad and deviant, it will not only change the child's "bad behavior" in the eyes of parents, but will be easier to join the "deviant" group and more likely to slip further and further on the road of "bad behavior".
Every child has a strong plasticity, and the child's shortcomings are not stereotyped, but only temporary. Therefore, in the process of educating children, we should not simply criticize children's wrong behaviors, but demonstrate correct actions for children, so as to effectively correct children's wrong behaviors, and praise can stimulate children's enthusiasm for correcting shortcomings. The children raised in this way will be full of sunshine.
As parents, they can accompany their children for the first half of their lives, but they can't participate in the second half. After all, children will live independently one day. Instead of sheltering children from the wind and rain and doing nothing, it is better to let them go properly and let them experience, explore and explore everything they want. Only in this way can children go further and live a happier life.