You want your child to be obedient and sensible, but he/she is always emotional and easy to lose his/her temper; You think "life is not easy, it is too difficult to raise a baby". Facing this little devil in front of you, you are helpless and helpless.
How to deal with children's changeable emotions and how to communicate with children more effectively is a difficult problem faced by every parent.
Don't be afraid, there is a scientific and effective way to help you out of this dilemma. Daniel Siegel, a famous American positive psychologist, put forward the concept of "whole brain education method" and published "whole brain education method", which is popular all over the world.
Whole brain education is a revolutionary educational method, which combines brain science research and psychological research and puts forward a series of concrete and practical educational methods.
Whole-brain education is not only to teach you what to do when your child is crazy, its fundamental purpose is to promote children's psychological perfection and health by integrating their brains, and then cultivate their ability to be responsible for themselves.
First, from "survival education" to "development education", the key is to integrate the brain.
The second child policy has been liberalized, but many parents still choose not to have a second child, because it takes too much time, money and energy to raise a child ... In the past, there were many children at home, most of them were alone, so it was enough to eat and wear warm clothes. Parents' highest expectation seems to be "only survival", and then "survival education".
The present environment puts higher demands on parents, and the goal of raising children is much higher than "meeting the needs of survival". As a parent, your ultimate task is to cultivate your children into people with unlimited development ability. They are brave, optimistic, responsible, compassionate and excellent in learning. Now they pursue "developing education".
Daniel Siegel pointed out that from "survival education" to "development education", the key is to integrate the brain. To master the whole brain education method skillfully, you need to know some brain science knowledge first.
In the past, we thought that the changes in the brain only occurred in childhood, but in recent years, brain scientists have discovered through brain scanning technology that the brain is plastic and can be plastic for life.
Every time we go through an experience, the corresponding neurons in the brain are activated, and each neuron is connected with thousands of specific neurons. Neurons are constantly activated and our brains are constantly reconnected.
Therefore, all children's experiences will affect the neural circuits of his brain and shape the child's growing brain.
Children who watch TV and play mobile phones all day, the wiring of their brains and nerves must be different from those who read books and play games every day. That's why we should provide some useful experiences for children to help them shape their brains.
Our brains can be simply divided into left brain, right brain, upper brain and lower brain. Whole brain education is to organically integrate the left brain, the right brain, the upper brain and the lower brain, and promote their better coordinated development in order to achieve the best educational effect.
Let's take a look separately.
Second, the left brain is in charge of logical thinking and the right brain is in charge of emotional thinking.
The left brain is called logical brain, which is in charge of logic, language and rules. The left brain is rational.
The right brain is called emotional brain, which is in charge of feelings, emotions and experiences, while the left brain is perceptual.
If we are completely taken over by the right brain and ignore the left brain, then we will be controlled by emotions and lack rationality; And if we are taken over by the left brain and ignore the right brain, then we will become emotionally poor and lack empathy.
In the process of children's growth, especially before the age of 3, his right brain is dominant. This is why "a child's face, the day in June, changes as soon as it is said", and emotions come when it is said, which is actually based on physiology.
So when they want to eat ice cream but their parents don't buy it, they will cry loudly; They will be late for kindergarten and play with toys slowly at home.
They don't consider reasonable problems, such as eating ice cream is harmful to their health and being late for class. The concept, advantages and disadvantages of time do not exist in their minds.
So when did their left brain start working?
When they kept asking questions, one day you found that they suddenly changed from a child who only knew how to eat, drink and be merry to a "hundred thousand whys". They have countless questions about all aspects of life and keep asking "why", which shows that their left brain is working.
Third, the lower brain is responsible for basic functions and the upper brain is responsible for advanced functions.
Our upper and lower brains are like a house, the lower brain is the foundation, and the upper brain is the main body on the second floor of the house.
The lower brain is responsible for some primitive basic functions, such as the ability to react quickly, and strong emotions, such as anger and fear. The upper brain is more evolved and is in charge of more advanced functions such as thinking, imagination and planning.
The upper brain works well, which can help children adjust their emotions, consider the consequences, think twice before you act, and consider the feelings of others.
When a child is born, the lower brain is well developed, and the upper brain will not mature until a person is in his twenties, so it is unrealistic to expect a child of several years old to be as calm and rational as an adult.
The law of brain development determines that children will be emotional or lose their temper at this time, which is normal.
Fourth, the whole brain education method: you need to do the following steps.
Through the above analysis, we understand that children's emotionalization is actually a normal phenomenon, so how to deal with children's emotionalization with whole-brain parenting? How to help children better integrate their brains and promote the balanced development of their brains?
1) first of all, listen and pay attention to: identify emotions.
The author gives an example in the book. Tina's 7-year-old son appeared in the living room shortly after going to bed. He said angrily, "I'm going crazy." You never kiss me good night before going to bed. "
Tina was very surprised. She said, "I didn't know you wanted me to do this." Then her son complained, "You have never been kind to me. Ten months before my birthday, I hate doing homework. "
What he said has nothing to do with it, but he is immersed in this irritable mood. Now he has been completely taken over by the right brain.
At this time, you can choose to refute "I am obviously good to you", but this will not help solve the immediate problem. Because the child's left brain has stopped working at this time, your reasoning and logic are left-brain reactions, and it is impossible to have an effect.
The author concludes, "When children are surrounded by the torrent of emotions, the reaction of the left brain can only be a lose-lose." It is wise to respond to his emotional needs first, and let the child feel that he is understood and accepted by listening and paying attention.
Tina did it. She went up to her son, patted him on the back and said softly, "Sometimes it's really hard for you, isn't it?" But you know I will never ignore you. You in my heart forever. You must understand that you are unique to me. "
Hearing this, the child's state immediately relaxed.
No matter how absurd and naive children's emotions are to us, any emotions are real and important to children, and they are eager to be understood and accepted. Only in this way can we guide them from the right brain to the left brain and look at the problem rationally.
2) Guide the child's left brain: communicate calmly.
With the connection of the right brain in the previous step, the connection of the left brain in the next step will become much simpler. At this time, we should guide the children to come out of the torrent of emotions and look at the problem rationally.
In the case, Tina explained to her son that she might not be able to express her feelings and would pay attention later; She will also try to be fair between her brother and younger brother, promise to plan his birthday with her son tomorrow, and work with him to find ways to make the homework more interesting.
Hearing this, my son went to sleep with his mother in his arms.
3) Distinguish the types of children's tantrums and effectively integrate the children's upper and lower brains.
The first two steps sound simple, but parents will also question whether blindly understanding and appeasing their children's emotions will make them pampered and arrogant. In turn, increase the probability of children losing their temper?
In response to this question, the author gives the answer. Parents should first distinguish the types of children's tantrums.
Children's tantrums can be roughly divided into two categories, one is controlled by the lower brain and the other is controlled by the upper brain. Let's look at it separately.
Let's look at the first kind, the tantrum controlled by the lower brain. As we said above, the lower brain is the primitive brain of human beings and is in charge of basic functions. At this time, the children are completely controlled by the torrent of emotions, and they are immersed in emotions and cannot extricate themselves.
Like the above example, Tina's son lost his temper because his mother didn't kiss him good night, because he had too much homework, or because he had a conflict with other children during the day.
They haven't grown up yet, and they haven't the ability to distinguish the seriousness of things. They thought it was a big deal, so they got emotional and lost their temper.
At this time, it is necessary to appease and listen to his feelings and let him feel supported.
Another kind of temper tantrum is one controlled by the upper brain. The upper brain is responsible for more advanced functions, such as thinking, imagination, planning, etc. This kind of temper tantrum controlled by rational brain is characterized by freedom, and its essence is a means to threaten adults.
The most typical example is that in the supermarket, parents don't buy toys for their children, and the children fall to the ground crying, but their eyes secretly observe the reactions of adults through their hands.
In this case, the author's suggestion is "Don't negotiate with terrorists". Pampering at this time will only make things worse. Parents need to set rules, set boundaries and resolutely abide by the rules.
Before you go to the mall next time, you can make an appointment with your child not to buy toys. Even if the child cries again in the mall, it can't satisfy him. At this time, you can make him cry, and then tell him the reason for not buying when he stops crying.
4) Exercise your child's brain to make him smarter and smarter.
The upper brain is responsible for advanced functions such as thinking, imagination and planning. Whether it is to let children learn to adjust their emotions or to let them develop in a more comprehensive and balanced way, it is imperative to exercise their brains. The author puts forward several specific methods:
One is not to make decisions for children in life, so that children can participate in decision-making more.
For example, buying clothes can let him decide what style to buy, and eating can let him decide what staple food to eat.
The second is to teach children to control their bodies and emotions.
We can tell children that emotions are only temporary and will not last forever. Although this is easy to understand in the eyes of adults, children don't understand it. He may feel that this pain will last forever, and he will be afraid, afraid. At this time, we need constant patient guidance.
Third, exercise can improve brain development.
We all know that exercise can release bad emotions. The next time a child loses his temper, if parents can guide him to play games and exercise, he can quickly dispel bad emotions.
Exercise can not only strengthen children's physique, but also promote brain development. We should cultivate his habit of exercising every day when he was very young.
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As the saying goes, parenting comes first. Before we train our children into all-round children, we should consider whether we are "all-round adults". The power of example is the most powerful. On the road of parenting, we need to grow up and make progress with our children. I hope we can all meet the best ourselves and the best children.
My name is Tina, and I have a master's degree in journalism from Zhejiang University. I have worked as a reporter in TV station for 6 years, signed a multi-platform author, created tens of millions of explosive articles, and led 2000+ students to improve their reading and writing level.
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