Parents' expectations are too high, and children's rebellion is inevitable.

In the process of children's growth, although it is impossible to experience many things because of their young age, there will still be pain and confusion in their hearts at the age and life stage. For adults, these pains and confusions may be trivial things, but for growing children, they may be unbearable. If they have such pain and confusion and can't get rid of it in time, it will not only affect the formation of their good character, but also affect the formation of their values and world outlook. If parents don't take the time to understand them and turn a blind eye to their feelings, children can't understand their parents, and it is inevitable to resist them.

1, relieve children's learning pain.

What parents call "rebellious period" is a period when children can be plastic, from primary school to middle school. At this stage, children's "pain" and "confusion" often come from endless homework, competition among classmates and high expectations of family members ... In the final analysis, these are all around children's academic performance. Let's see: teachers in all subjects in the school are scrambling to give endless homework to students because they are afraid that the results of the courses they teach are not outstanding, in order to make the students in this class get good grades and win glory for their faces; The competition among students is nothing more than the difference in test scores and ranking order again and again; Parents at home also hope that their children can get good grades every time, so that they can enter a primary school, a junior high school, a high school and finally go to college.

In this way, the honor of the school and the hope of the family were all taken up by these children from the beginning. As parents, although they may also feel the pressure on their children, in order not to let their children fall behind others, most of them are desperate to urge them to bear it. Therefore, as a student, the most painful thing is that the results are not ideal. As a parent, we should first think from the child's point of view: a child is among dozens of competitors in the same class, even among hundreds of competitors in the same grade. How can he (she) willingly fall behind others? He (she) needs a good grade more urgently than anyone else! The score is not high and the ranking is low. He (she) feels worse than anyone else! However, it is impossible for any child to get the desired score every time. How can a child who failed the exam tell his disappointment and discomfort to his competitors? He (she) is also unlikely to tell dozens (or even hundreds) of classmates about his common teacher. As a child's parents, if you can't understand and comfort him (her) at this time, but vent on the child, he (she) doesn't even have someone to talk to! What kind of psychological suffering will he (she) suffer at a young age? What kind of mentality will you face the future exam?

The exam is originally a check on the usual learning situation. When the test results fail to objectively reflect the child's learning situation, what parents should do is to analyze the test content with him or her and find out the reasons. If you don't answer those questions well because you don't study and master the relevant knowledge at ordinary times, let your child make up the missing or unstable knowledge as soon as possible; If it is because of carelessness, tell your child to learn a lesson and be careful next time; If it's because you don't work hard enough to play, tell your child to cheer up and not relax. ...

Before the fifth grade of primary school, because his father and I were both studying and working abroad, we put him in a distant relative's house. At that stage, because of his carelessness, almost every math exam was unsatisfactory. He came back to us in the fifth grade. Before the final exam, children's classes often have to take several mock exams. The semester after returning to China, he got 86 points in the first math simulation exam, and he was very depressed and said he was careless. I comforted and encouraged him and told him not to care about the score, just remember to be careful next time. Unexpectedly, when he came back from school the next day, he said that he was only 85 points less than yesterday. Then he burst into tears and said, "I don't know why. I can do all these questions. Why did I get so little?" Both his father and I were surprised to see him so sad. I immediately put down my work, hugged him and comforted him. His father said, "Son, eighty-five points is not a little. It doesn't matter if you fail. Haven't we been taking exams? " Find out why you didn't do well in the exam, and you can do well in the exam next time. "When he was in a better mood, I told my son," In fact, people have to go through many tangible and intangible exams in their lives, and these exams are to accompany them all their lives. Don't be discouraged because you didn't do well in one exam, which will not only change the result of not doing well in the exam, but also affect your later study. "I told my children that as long as they get into the habit of summarizing, find out the reasons why they didn't do well in each exam, and make targeted efforts, they will certainly do well in the next exam. I know that the child has a careless problem, so before the math final exam this semester, I wrote the words "Don't be careless, check carefully" on the back of his hand with a red pen. As a result, these reminders really worked, and he got full marks in the math exam. Having tasted the sweetness of getting full marks, he rarely failed in future math exams, and thus formed the good habit of summing up, until today. At the same time, because we never asked him to get high marks and didn't care about his ranking, he has been in a relaxed learning state. Even in high school, he is happy to study. He also used his spare time to form a small band with classmates with similar interests, tried to write songs and lyrics himself, and did not lag behind in physical exercise. In high school, children are not only among the best in the class, but also among the best in the grade.

Originally, it is valuable for children to be competitive with other children. Parents should support and advocate children's competition, but don't be too serious. Especially when children pay too much attention to their rankings and feel depressed because of poor rankings, parents must pay attention to enlighten him: "Winning or losing is a common occurrence in military strategists. If someone always occupies the front row, can it still be considered competition? " "Every child is very smart, and every classmate is working hard to make progress, so it is normal for everyone to take turns in front." "Never mind how the rankings are arranged, we will work hard ourselves!"

In my opinion, as long as parents can treat their children objectively and don't care too much about test scores and class rankings, children won't bear a heavy burden. In the face of parents who can understand themselves, children will tell you their troubles at the first time when they feel painful and confused for various reasons. Children will learn and grow in a relaxed and natural state without the "pain" accumulated in their hearts.

2. Reduce the excessive learning burden for children.

Nowadays, in order to pursue the enrollment rate and let children go to school, almost the whole society has pushed China's education to "exam-oriented". In order to cope with all kinds of exams, children are flooded with questions almost all day. My friend's child is in the third grade of primary school. In addition to finishing all kinds of homework at school, he also has to finish the exercises of English and mathematics extracurricular study arranged for him at home. He told me quietly that he didn't want to go home after school. Anyway, I still do my homework after I go back, so I always try to delay the time on my way home. According to a survey conducted by the Education Bureau of Qingyang District in Chengdu in 2007, 97% of the children in this district participated in extracurricular study, 6% of them participated in more than four kinds of extracurricular study, and 60% of the children surveyed thought that the reason for stress was too much extracurricular study.

Of course, many parents believe that in the current exam-oriented education environment, in order not to let children fall behind others, it is a last resort to constantly put pressure on their children. However, a child's intelligence can't be discovered in a closed room by sea tactics. If your child suffers from too much homework, which affects his mood, parents should take the initiative to reduce those simple and repetitive homework for their children according to their situation; Don't let children get in touch with knowledge that doesn't belong to that age group too early.

When my son was in primary school, I treated his homework like this: after school in the afternoon, I would remind him to go out to play or play ball with his classmates; When I was chatting with my son after dinner, I knew what homework to do. If the son feels that there is not much homework and it is necessary to do it, leave him alone. And if he thinks there is too much homework, I don't think some homework needs to be done (for example, reciting texts also includes punctuation marks; My son thinks that homework is simple and repetitive), he will advocate not spending time writing homework that he thinks is unnecessary, because children should have time to do what he wants, and must sleep when it is time to sleep. In my opinion, ensuring children's sleep is more important than doing homework. When my son was in junior high school, I still adopted this method and never asked him to study in the morning and evening.

After my son went to live in high school, the school encouraged students to take part in all kinds of Olympic basic knowledge competitions. Children will never be prejudiced by balanced study. They are interested in everything and want to try anything. The school stipulated that a person could not take part in more than three competitions, so he chose three. I strongly opposed it after knowing it, and only agreed to let him participate in one activity. I told him that everyone's energy is limited, which will make your study burden too heavy, and it is easy to lose sight of one thing and affect your normal study progress. Although he promised me, he signed up for two items without telling me. During the summer vacation, after attending the training of the Olympiad Physics Competition in a university, he rushed to another city's university to attend the training of the Olympiad Chemistry Competition. I found him, and I resolutely stopped him! I told him my reason: I just finished my physics training, and I have to have time to digest the learning content. Besides, my body is still in the development stage, and it is in estrus. I don't want you to get sick because of fatigue and fatigue. What's more, there must be a rest period for physical adjustment during the holiday. After explaining the truth clearly, my son didn't insist, knowing that his mother did it because she loved him.

In fact, today, when children are under great pressure in all aspects, parents will take the initiative to reduce the burden on their children, and the children will really appreciate you and feel your love. More importantly, it is the way and method to open the source of books' wisdom to let children have time to know and understand nature outdoors full of sunshine, and let them gain some experiences and insights from it. Because those experiences and insights are obtained through their own observation and thinking, rather than some ready-made things in books. At the same time, children who are physically and mentally happy can also be physically and mentally healthy, and they can feel the credibility and amiability of their parents from a happy life full of sunshine. It is impossible for such a child to "resist" his parents.

Don't expect too much from your child.

Many parents like to set goals for their children early, thinking that the bigger the goal, the more they can motivate their children to study hard and work hard. But what is often overlooked is that parents' requirements for their children must conform to their age and personality characteristics, and goals that are too big and too far are too abstract and illusory. How do children understand and grasp? When parents take such a goal as their expectation for their children, they always feel that their children do not meet the requirements and their actions are not as good as their wishes. Over time, growing children will feel depressed.

A child wrote in his diary: "I feel useless and incompetent." Every time I see my parents' expectant eyes, I feel very sad. I don't know what to do to meet their parents' requirements. Now, I am scared as soon as I see this book, and I really want to throw it out ... "The survey shows that at least 30 million teenagers under the age of 0/7 in China are troubled by various emotional disorders and behavioral problems; The prevalence of mental disorders among primary and middle school students is 2 1.6-32.0%.

A child who is in Grade One chose to commit suicide! He wrote in his last suicide note: "I entered high school, which is a key middle school. I only have two days off a month, and the pressure is much greater than that of junior high school. " I did badly in this monthly exam and fell to the fifth place in my class. Both teachers and parents criticized me. I know they are doing me good, but I don't understand why everyone is so concerned about the rankings. "

Excessive expectations will crush the child's tender shoulders and become a barrier between parents and children! Unrealistically high expectations of parents for their children are one of the root causes of children's pain and the inducement of children's rebellion!

On the contrary, if parents focus on how to make their children grow up healthily and happily day by day, instead of expecting their children to become geniuses and prodigies, you will often be surprised again and again when their children have unexpected performances. This kind of heartfelt joy shown by parents may be the driving force to motivate children to keep moving forward.

I remember that when my children were a little over two years old, they were sent to kindergarten because no one was looking after them at home, just at the age when our school entered the park. To tell the truth, when I sent my children on the first day, I saw so many children over two years old who were not sensible gathered together, and I was really worried about the aunts in kindergarten: how to manage such a small child? ! A few months later, the kindergarten organized activities to inform parents to participate, and I also went. Unexpectedly, the children in our "small class" actually performed the program! Watching my little son wriggle and gesticulate with the rhythm of music, I was so excited that I shed tears, and my heart was full of admiration and gratitude for the kindergarten teacher! But what I didn't expect was that later, other parents complained that kindergarten teachers only knew how to coax their children to play and didn't teach them to learn things (read and write)! Readers can see from this that the reason why parents' feelings are so different is because they have different expectations and attitudes towards the same thing!

For another example, my children were assigned to key experimental classes after they graduated from junior high school and passed the provincial key middle schools listed in the market. Since the students in this class are top junior high school graduates from middle schools in cities and counties, I hope my children can follow them as long as they are physically and mentally healthy. In the first exam, my son ranked 32nd (whole grade 1000). I was very surprised. I didn't expect him to rank so high! But the son smiled and said that he didn't do well in the exam. I immediately told him: "I did well in the exam! You see, the child who ranked first in the city's senior high school entrance examination only ranked thirtieth, so you can imagine how powerful all the students are. Son, don't ask too much of yourself! " But later, every time he ranked in the monthly exam, he leaned forward again and again and soon entered the top ten of the grade. To tell the truth, which parent won't be happy about their children's situation? But while I am secretly happy, I am also secretly worried that my son will get tired of ranking, fearing that he will only read his homework all day.

After high school, my son lives on campus and can only go home once on weekends. So in the middle of every week, I will send him dinner on an excuse, talk to him about school and see how his mental state is. From my son's story and the teacher's understanding, I know that after my son went to high school, he ate, lived and communicated with these smart and studious classmates. He is very happy and excited; He didn't "study hard" as I thought, and still had time for physical exercise. Moreover, he organized a small band with several students with the same hobbies and tried to create original campus songs by himself ... School life can be said to be rich and colorful. Looking at sunshine's son, I am relieved. In the second year of senior high school, although the number of students in this grade has been increasing to more than 2000, my son's academic performance ranks in the top three in the grade. I couldn't believe my ears when he soon ranked first in his grade (and he had already ranked first in all subjects)! I remember that he won the first place in his grade for the first time. I looked him up and down in surprise and muttered doubtfully, "Hey, is this still my son?" How can you surprise your mother like this! "My son is very happy every time he sees my amazement.

Once I went to see him at school, my son told me that all his teachers thought he would go to Tsinghua in the future. I am very happy in my heart, but I am afraid it will put pressure on him. I immediately replied, "It's good to go to Tsinghua, but you don't have to go to Tsinghua. Any university is the same. As long as you study like this, my mother believes that you will be a great student in any university! "

He told his roommate that he felt that studying was a very happy thing because his parents never put pressure on him. And his father and I, because we never expected him to rank anywhere, were surprised and excited about our son's achievements again and again.

I think the main reason why my son has such a learning state is that he doesn't spend more than ten hours studying every day like many children in primary schools and junior high schools, so he is not tired and doesn't think learning is a chore. At the stage of sprinting in high school, he was excited because he met many competitors, and the abundant energy generated by the stimulation of novel feelings gave him enough competitive strength. Imagine, when you stretch a spring to the limit prematurely, can this spring still play its "elastic" role at a critical moment? A tired child will inevitably have a rebellious attitude towards his parents who can't understand him and have high expectations for him.