A friend joked: "You must be Ma Bao's friend, Bao Da's pain!" I said, "How do you know I've been enjoying my dad's pain?"
A friend said, "You are a dutiful father and an example for dads!" " "I said," I didn't trim my appearance before I had a daughter. I am an otaku and have never pursued it (of course, the change is also because of my wife). Besides, I don't understand. Isn't it harder for young mothers in modern society? If you are a full-time mother, only those who have taken care of the baby can feel the fatigue of the whole process; It's even harder if you have to work and take care of the baby. If you only cooperate with mothers without babies, it may be difficult, but it will not be praised by the public. Is it just like many dads? Then why can fathers justly work without their children, and it sounds a bit dereliction of duty for mothers to work without their children? Haven't our social civilization reached yet? Or is the public lacking in thinking ability? I'm not complaining about my mothers, just curious and confused. "
I continued joking and added: "I am very happy, because I have found a sideline: awakening more fathers to pay attention to the upbringing of their children-raising their children well and educating them well!" " Either you earn a few dollars, or you throw away the milk powder money, or you do your duty. Far from it! However, I have to say that some mothers are too powerful to give their fathers a chance to dislike this and that. The demands are too high, which stifles the opportunities for fathers to perform. "
The following is my feeling after reading The Most Valuable Investment for Men-Being a Good Father a year ago. Share with you again, it is also a "hammer" to wake up dads. I hope moms can use it well and dads will wake up soon!
Father, what does this mean to the boy?
US President Barack Obama wrote in his autobiography "Fearless Hope", "People either fulfill their father's wishes or repair their father's life. "Liang Fengyi, a Hong Kong writer, said:" When you are afraid, your father is the stepping stone; When it is dark, my father is a lamp; When tired, my father is a bay of life water; When you work hard, your father is the spiritual pillar; When you succeed, your father is an encouragement and vigilance. "
Writer Jia Pingwa once said: "As a person's life, he is both a son and a father." A miserable father once said, "The first half of my life was ruined by my father and the second half by my son." So let's first look at the influence of father on son!
Father is the bridge between boys and men.
I am always puzzled by many "eccentric" people in society. Han Han once said, "Super girls choose men, and my heroes choose women." Zheng added: "Now men are more and more like women, so women should also rise up and become more and more like men." Of course, as far as the overall proportion is concerned, the above situation is still a minority. Closer to home, the phenomenon that "boys are not men" is actually related to the influence of fathers. Both psychology and sociology have confirmed the important role of fathers in boys' gender development. Freud believes that boys will consciously or unconsciously imitate their father's role behavior in the process of development, thus forming behaviors with distinctive characteristics. If the father is decisive, strong and masculine at home, boys often show a high degree of masculinity; On the other hand, if the father is "henpecked" at home, the boy will be feminine.
Father is the "courage" of his son.
If there is no father's love, the number of boys who become timid may increase. Sun Yunxiao, the author, compared "A boy who lacks his father's education will be short of calcium all his life", which is quite interesting. However, spoiling courage will have a strong negative effect. Remember Li Gang and Li Shuangjiang's two fathers? These two grandsons are not short of "courage", but also "courage" is very fat Remember the couplets made up by netizens at that time? Part one: I hate my father's injustice. Part two: I hate my father's double-edged. I cross-criticize: I am reborn as Li. How to teach my son positive courage? Later, I talked about how to be a good father.
The father is the son's coach and consultant.
Professor Li Meijin, a criminal psychologist, believes that the education of fathers is the most important for boys aged 12 to 18. Boys in this period especially need the discipline and encouragement of a firm and strict father. At this time, the boy's body grew stronger, but his mind was simple and impulsive. He often doesn't know that small place, can't tell East from West, and can't find himself. However, the father is the best coach and consultant to help his son see the truth.
Father is the source of son's self-control.
Let's use a common phenomenon to illustrate. There are not a few boys who are addicted to online games now. Internet addiction experts explained that boys will rely on and worship their fathers after 5 years old, and fathers represent authority, rules and spiritual motivation. But once the father is busy with his work and neglects to communicate with his son, the child will turn to the online world. Because the father didn't accompany his children to the real world, he could only get close to the online world, and his self-control became worse and worse. In psychology, self-control has a synonym, that is, "delayed satisfaction", which means a personality trait of temporarily restraining one's desires and giving up the temptation in front of one's eyes in pursuit of greater goals.
At the international psychology conference held in Beijing in 2004, Dr. Qu Skli, an Australian psychologist, gave a report: Let children put two plates of chocolate in front of them, one plate is more than the other, and as long as they can tolerate 10 minutes, they can eat the more plate. The results of this 7-year experiment show that among nearly 100 China children aged 3-4, more than 80% of them only put up with chocolate for a few minutes, while 66% of Australian children got an extra plate. It can be seen that the self-control of children in China is not optimistic.
What does a father mean to a girl?
Writer Liu Xinglong compared his daughter to a rose planted by his father in his last life.
Father-daughter relationship, the template of daughter's marriage relationship
In some cases, the father is a girl's first "boyfriend". Girls' understanding of men often begins with their fathers. Psychologist Ross Pickel believes that the father's influence on his daughter did not end in childhood, and even in adolescence and adulthood, the relationship between a daughter and a man was more influenced by her early relationship with her father. Fathers provide their daughters with a male role model and behavior pattern. Daughters often look for the reference of their future life from their fathers' masculinity, and adolescent girls even regard their fathers as role models for their future husbands. Experts who study marriage believe that girls will consciously or unconsciously look for the opposite sex similar to their fathers when looking for love objects. Secondly, the role interaction theory of psychology points out that fathers are more important in helping girls learn to deal with men.
How to be a good father?
1. breakthrough in concept: fathers are fully capable of taking care of children.
If the father doesn't take the baby, there should be many situations, depending on the age of the child, the father's mentality, the wife's attitude and so on. Before the age of one, many fathers were too tired to go to work, unable to do anything, and all thumbs because of the tossing in the middle of the night. If the mother is more concerned and strict, many fathers habitually avoid not participating after 1 year old, because participation may be rejected. In this case, if the father subjectively wants to participate in the performance, the mother needs to give the opportunity to learn and perform. But unfortunately, some dads don't want to participate at all. They feel that activities such as shit and fart are not within their duties. After one year old, they rarely participate in educational companionship. They are bent on making money to support their families and feel that their task is the heaviest. They always forget to brainwash themselves: it's hard for a man to support his family. I think such a father is a short-term, superficial and unloving father who will not find pleasure in life.
Therefore, the first step to be a good father is to consciously participate in the process of raising children and believe that you can do it well.
2. Two basic qualities of paternalism: love and discipline are indispensable.
A father's participation in accompanying and educating his children is the first step to be a good father, but often many fathers wander at two extremes: either they are too fond of their children and lack discipline; Either the discipline is too strict and there is a lack of care and warmth.
The first kind of father, singer Li Shuangjiang, is a typical example. Lao Laizi (57 years old) is loved by everyone.
The second kind of father, the realistic example that can correspond to it belongs to "Wolf Dad". Great education.
In psychology, according to two qualities, educational methods are divided into four categories:
(1) authoritative education: this is a way to care for and strictly discipline children;
(2) Arbitrary parenting style: excessive discipline but lack of care for children;
(3) doting parenting: caring too much about children but lacking discipline;
(4) Neglect of parenting: lack of care and discipline for children.
Come on, dads, please sit down. I am glad that I belong to the first type, at least I consciously told myself to explore the most authoritative parenting style suitable for my daughter (because according to each child's personality, the "degree" inside needs to be slightly adjusted by parents). Of course, I still have many shortcomings, so I keep learning and learn from the professional accumulation of experienced people. Some parents think that caring and strictness are contradictory. It is impossible to rap a bad face and sing a good face. Isn't it slapping yourself? In fact, my experience tells me that there will be no conflict at all. I basically input my daughter's rules or our sense of rules. There is a very effective method in discipline, which the author also mentioned in the book: "Natural Consequence Law", which was put forward by Rousseau, a French thinker and educator, means that anyone who lets children know their own affairs needs to bear the consequences themselves, so that you won't always be led by children. Generally speaking, grandmothers are the most easily led by the nose. At this time, as fathers, we should stand up, first of all, we should learn and think by ourselves, refine relatively professional ways and methods, and formulate reasonable rules. After setting the rules, I will not always take care of her seriously, but also make up for her having fun before going to bed and telling her stories. Now she likes me to tell her stories before going to bed, and the effect of falling asleep is also the best. You see, my daughter is "afraid" of me and likes to play with me. Warmth and management can coexist.
Share with you some things I get along with my children. For example, when it comes to eating, I think many families will worry that their children are picky eaters, or they will not eat on time and eat casually. My method is to confiscate her favorite toys and give her a reasonable amount of food (this is more critical. Many times, grandmothers feed them endlessly, or the amount of food they feed is different every day. They always feel that they should let their children eat fat at one breath. If they don't quantify it, they will feel that adults are out of control, so they don't need to follow the rules of adults. After the amount of food is decided, you should make it clear to your child that if you don't finish eating, what will happen? You can't be strict and strict. You should tell your children that mom and dad love you and hope you can play with your favorite toys happily. I don't want to confiscate your toys, but it takes more energy to play, so you should eat on time and in quantity so that you can have energy to play. If you don't accept it and finish your meal, then dad will confiscate your toys. This trick is still very useful. Here, I want to remind you that eating should be done. Some parents give rewards, especially material rewards, which may be useful in a short time, but in the long run, as long as there are disadvantages, there will be no benefits. So you can see that in family education, the role of father is very important, because men are relatively more rational and can find out the root of the problem better. Unlike grandma, I often say some useless and repetitive nonsense: "Come on, grandma will feed you today, and you can eat it yourself tomorrow", and then this sentence will be the same tomorrow; "If you don't eat, someone upstairs will come down and grab your food." Children are "hehe" or "countless points" or think "do you think I am stupid?" So dad can often get rid of these ways without thinking.
3. Father, let the children know the wider world.
In contrast, my father is more concerned about the outside world. Some fathers are well-connected and knowledgeable in the workplace, but he doesn't realize that these have become nourishment for raising children. This doesn't mean that you should tell your children something they don't understand in the workplace. But from different aspects, it has become an acceptable way for children to enter their world. For example, your father often travels on business. Do you feel that you have learned a lot during your travels, and your knowledge of the world has been covered and refreshed every time? Then this idea can be transformed into taking children to see the world more and letting them contact the world they can understand-stimulating their curiosity and desire to explore the world. This process is long-lasting. Take her to the Natural History Museum, and she will ask why dinosaurs laid eggs before little dinosaurs appeared. Why do insects have so many feet, while many other animals have four? If she goes to the planetarium, she will ask why the moon is round and curved, and why both the moon and the sun move. Why are the stars so small and the moon and sun so big? Such inspiring activities are very meaningful. You know, many parents bother their children to ask countless questions that adults in the world are bored with, but I think the more "why" their daughters ask, the happier I am. Even if I can't answer them many times, or I can't "translate" what adults say into what she can understand for the time being, what does it matter? I will say, "Dad, will you find the answer in the book with me in the future?" You should find a very interesting answer. " This will bury a lot of "why" in children's hearts and accumulate motivation for future study. I have always believed that if we want to know ourselves better, we should know more about the world, and then polish our way of thinking with the wisdom of our predecessors, so that our personality will be full and our adaptability and adaptability will be improved.
So dad needs to enrich his brain and take his children to see the world.
Father, let the children be more independent.
I shared a book "Ask for it, Father and Daughter Grow and Travel" before, and the author Busan enjoyed the journey with her daughter very much. This is a way to see the world and make children more independent. Sometimes I often play some boring finger games with my daughter, in order to tell her that our human fingers are the most flexible of all parts. We can do many things to make her feel that her fingers are becoming more and more flexible now, and then she will feel good about herself, fiddle with her hands and try to do things she has never done before. It is also what fathers need to realize, and constantly input the thinking that "you can do your own thing well" to children. Many parents always take "the children are still young" as an excuse and never let go of anything. This is the most obvious point for parents. Of course, I don't like attacking grandma. Their generation takes care of the next generation wholeheartedly, and then the next generation is also very dedicated, which is what our younger generation needs to learn. One generation makes a generation, and I won't be harsh on my grandparents. I want to tell my parents, especially the fathers who haven't paid attention to the next generation. This is our responsibility. We live in an advanced development and huge information age. We should learn and make progress, take on more responsibilities and make our children independent.
Don't be an autocratic father, it will leave a negative shadow on children.
Among the fathers born in 1980s or even 1990s, there should not be many autocratic fathers. In the past, it was because of the deep-rooted traditional education method, which was called "filial son under the stick". But I still want to remind you here that if you are such a father, please think carefully. You are subtly telling your child that "hitting people can solve problems." To say the least, if you really can't think of other more effective ways, you should at least make rules in advance (even so, it is the worst way). Sun Yunxiao pointed out that education without punishment is incomplete, but punishment education is not stick education. Punishment education and stick education are completely different in nature. Punishment education is to cultivate life education, so that children can learn to be responsible for their own actions. Stick education is to cultivate slaves and cannot cultivate modern citizens with sound minds.
6. Be a good communicator.
The following dialogue often appears.
Father: What should I do?
Son: Get out!
Father: Where to?
Son: Don't go there!
……
A father who seems unable to communicate is a generation gap caused by long-term failure to communicate well, and children don't want to talk to you. This is a common problem of China's father (mother also has this problem, which is relatively less serious than his father). Because my father is always on top and has a high attitude. Laozi is Laozi. Do you want to rebel? Therefore, if you want your child to understand you better, please put down your posture and understand your child well! Socrates put it well: "Nature gives us two ears and one mouth, which means we should talk less and listen more". See, this is the wisdom of the master. Almost all misunderstandings, generation gaps and contradictions are caused by poor communication, and almost all are the responsibility of parents. In addition to learning to listen to children, fathers need to praise their children more. We don't know when there is a "aggressive way" in the genes of traditional education. Of course, there are also differences in praise methods, which are divided into evaluative praise and descriptive praise. For example, if a child cleans the room, the evaluation praise will say, "You are really a clean and tidy child." Descriptive compliments will say, "The floor is clean and people can be seen; The quilt was neatly folded. Walking into your room makes people feel very relaxed and comfortable. "Descriptive praise is the result of concretizing children's efforts. Therefore, before praising your child, please ask your brain and try to tell him the result of your child's efforts. This will increase your enthusiasm and persistence, instead of being complacent.
At this moment, if you are a father or a prospective father, do you think it is not easy to be a good father? Then I said, if it's that simple, how can I make you grow up? How can I make you understand your parents' difficulties?
At this moment, if you are a mother or expectant mother, are you excited? Why don't you show the article to your father? I advise you not to get so excited. Everything should be done step by step. Give his father some time and put pressure on him slowly. Let them know that one of the purposes of making money outside is to cultivate the next generation with complete personality.
There is a saying that raising a child without teaching will kill your family; If the adopted daughter does not teach, it will kill other family members. Countless examples in life tell us this cruel reality. No matter how much money you earn, no matter how high your position is, you may be destroyed by the uneducated next generation. Playing well with capital may show that you are a father who will invest in the business world, but the most worthwhile investment for a man in his life is to be a good father. The price is every minute and every effort you spend on your children. The reward is that children live a life without confusion, have the ability to get happiness all their lives, and have the leisurely and calm days of their parents after middle age. I imagine that in my middle-aged and old life, I should have an independent, intelligent, kind, experienced, optimistic, cheerful, worldly-wise, and beautiful daughter, who will take her mother and me to continue to see, talk, understand and grow up again. This kind of life is enough comfort.