There is even a lyric like this: I want to have a home, a place I don't need very much, and I will think of it when I am lonely. ...
This shows that a warm family is of great significance and importance to a person, but a family full of affection and harmony is the cradle of children's healthy growth. In order to ensure that our children can grow up happily, parents have the responsibility to create a happy and warm family for their children and cultivate their children into talents with all-round development in morality, intelligence and physique, which is even more incumbent on parents.
Xiaojie's father often gets drunk and comes back late at night, but when he comes back, he will find another job and beat his mother shamelessly. Whenever their "war" broke out, Xiaojie hid in the corner, trembling with fear, looking at this frightening scene at a loss and at a loss. It can be said that she grew up in the shadow of the struggle between her parents.
Later, I learned from the case of my mother v. Xiaojie that since my father was promoted to director, the court status of my parents has obviously changed. Dad often doesn't go home. At first, my mother thought my father was busy at work, but later she found out that my father was "keeping a small honey" outside and asked my mother for a divorce when she got home. Mom didn't agree, and dad started playing. For the sake of the integrity of Xiaojie and his family, the kind mother has always endured humiliation and compromise, but in exchange for her father's more unscrupulous tyranny.
As she grew older, she couldn't get rid of her parents' constant violence. Dad's violent behavior deprived the family of its former joy and peace. More seriously, this persistent domestic violence has had a negative impact on her psychology. Mom finally couldn't stand dad's violence and they separated.
From then on, my parents stopped talking, like two strangers, and my father began to mentally abuse my mother for ten years.
Xiaojie can't understand the right and wrong of his parents, let alone their ups and downs. However, the seeds of hatred were planted in her young mind, which made her naive heart indifferent. She began to advocate force and hate men. In her mind, whoever has a hard fist is the strong one. At school, she showed strong aggressive behavior, hitting her classmates and scolding her teachers. She even hates her mother's cowardice and her daughter.
However, when Xiaojie grew up to be a 19-year-old girl, she felt different from other girls. She began to suffer and had a strong desire in her heart. But on the one hand, although she also wants to have a happy life of her own, that is to be a normal woman and make a boyfriend who loves her; On the other hand, she doesn't want to be a real woman. Because she hates women but doesn't like men. She often said that women are weak and men are like robbers. She is suffering in this painful and contradictory life. ...
The harm of violence
Because of domestic violence and long-term mental abuse, a girl who should be radiant has a heavy psychological burden and obvious personality disorder. What a painful lesson!
Teenagers are in a period of great changes in their physical and mental development, with great emotional changes, poor control ability and no ability to distinguish right from wrong. Parents' behavior will have a great influence on children's psychology. Domestic violence can make children rough and depressed, resulting in the psychology of advocating violence and even sexual psychological barriers. Once such psychology is formed, it is difficult to correct it. Psychologists' research shows that once teenagers have such bad behavior, if there is no good education and intervention measures, it will affect their lives.
A fifth-grade pupil named Li He is smart and flexible, but his academic performance is not very good. He is very active and loves sports. He is a frequent visitor on the sports field and a headache for teachers. He loves to bully his classmates and is very naughty. These are his specialties.
In a short 10 minute after class, he can knock down his little classmates one by one without care, throw all the books at the same table on the ground and jump up and down on the steps next to the podium. Seeing the chaos in the class, the students were so angry that they hated him, but he was complacent and indifferent. When the teacher criticized him, he turned his head to squint and ignored him, looking indifferent.
Why did Li He do this? It turned out that Li He's father went out to work for a long time and never cared about him, while his mother was a housewife and could not discipline her children, so for Li He, there was no family education at all.
Although he grew up in such a family, Li He, like other children, longed for respect and understanding from others, but those who longed for attention and attention were not satisfied.
So in school, because I don't study hard, my grades are average and I don't have any special skills, so I have no chance to express myself. His demand for attention and respect has never been satisfied, and he can't hold it for a long time psychologically, so he uses very special methods to attract the attention of teachers and classmates.
Deformed self-esteem
For such a child, once such a character is formed, simple criticism and education is not enough, and blindly scolding will make him rebellious and will become more and more serious. To change him, we must deeply understand his psychological needs, properly meet his needs for attention and respect, and constantly guide him to show his personality and enthusiasm.
From this example, we can see that children have their own needs, such as the need to be respected and the need for self-esteem. Once damaged, it will be very painful. If you are respected, you will feel gratified and satisfied.
In a family, mutual respect and trust between husband and wife is the basic guarantee for deepening love and career success, while the care between parents and children for respecting the old and loving the young is the source of happy coexistence and healthy growth of family members, because everyone wants to do things according to their own thoughts and will, which is the need of autonomy.
Listening to me will stifle each other's autonomy. Everyone wants to show themselves in front of others, so they try their best to give full play to their talents and create considerable labor results with their wisdom to satisfy their performance psychology.
Psychologically, everyone has the need to communicate or socialize, and society is the source of people's life fun. Only when people are integrated into this society can they have a steady stream of strength and psychological satisfaction. If you violate this rule, serious things may happen, such as boredom with family life or dislike of lovers, psychological variation of children, and even running away from home.
Beware of the misunderstanding of family education
Education from family can be said to be the first education that children can receive, and it is also the first cornerstone for children to receive health education. It is an important way to form children's strong self-care ability, good ideological and moral character, healthy psychological quality, sound personality and independent problem-solving ability.
The healthy growth of children is inseparable from family education. However, although parents now spend much more time, energy and money on their children and are more democratic than their predecessors, there are always many parents who say that children are more spoiled, more difficult to manage and even a little unreasonable than in the past.
Throughout the vast majority of family education at this stage, these more or less important psychological misunderstandings generally exist:
It is irresponsible to mislead children.
In the toddler's infancy, we often see such a situation: the child tripped over the bench, and the parents rushed to smash the bench to appease the child. As everyone knows, this will only make children learn to complain about others and be irresponsible.
Different countries have different ways to deal with this situation, and different ways to deal with it have created different personality characteristics of children. For example, American parents "don't look" and don't interfere. Children learn to get up and walk, which is independent; Japanese parents criticize that children learn to find reasons and take responsibility.
In fact, parents don't have to rush to come forward when they encounter such a thing, so that children can learn to do their own things and take their own responsibilities. For example, if you lose a toy, don't buy it for him in a hurry, and let him bear the consequences of forgetting things. Children will grow up only if they take on more responsibilities.
Think one's children are happy
Many parents believe that children now must feel very happy if they eat well and dress well. But happiness is not happiness, is it only children who have the final say? According to the survey, children are the most unhappy in the following three situations:
1. When parents quarrel and divorce. The child was frightened and at a loss, fearing that no one would want him.
2. When no one is playing. Especially after moving to a new house, parents give their children many restrictions, such as no painting on the wall, no patting on the ground, no playing with water in the bathroom and no fooling around with their companions. Finally, many children want to go back to their old house.
3. Do what you don't want to do. Forced by parents, coaxed to learn painting, play the piano and attend various training classes.
You know, security, communication and freedom are the most basic psychological needs of children. If these needs are not met, children will not feel happy no matter how well they eat and dress. Children always have their own little troubles. Parents should pay attention to observe their children's emotions, affirm and encourage them to express their emotions, help them adjust their emotions and give them real happiness.
Don't let the children do housework
At present, parents with only one child are unwilling to let their children do some housework, or think that it is unnecessary for their children to do any housework, so they all do it themselves or leave it to the nanny. In fact, the ultimate goal of family education is to help children get rid of their parents, become independent and successfully build their own lives; Doing housework is an effective way to enhance their ability, confidence and sense of responsibility. For example, children can be allowed to move benches and tableware when they are 3 years old, fold clothes and make beds when they are 4-5 years old, and clear tables and tidy rooms when they are 6 years old. Children aged 65,438+00 should be allowed to undertake certain tasks at home, such as clearing the table and taking out the garbage. In short, a child is a family member, so he should be allowed to do his duty to the family.
Offset each other's efforts
When many families educate their children, there are often scenes like this: when children make mistakes, parents should severely punish them, but grandparents will not let them; Dad wants to pursue it to the end, while mom tends to be soft-hearted and protect the calf; What's more, after the father's heavy punishment, the mother quietly took the children to the restaurant to eat delicious food to show comfort.
As everyone knows, this mutually destructive education method will make the effect of education a mess. Therefore, on the issue of educating children, families should reach an agreement through consultation in advance, and never blame each other in front of children.
Also, when educating children, parents' attitudes should not be changeable and capricious. For example, when you are happy, children can forgive you for making a big mistake, and when you are unhappy, children will hold on to a small mistake; Or a period of laissez-faire, indifferent, a period of time is very harsh. As a result, children often do not pay attention to the content of education, but carefully ponder the emotions of parents. Then how can children have healthy development?
doting
In recent years, children's status in the family is getting higher and higher. Some parents are obedient and responsive to their children, thinking that if they love their children, they should meet all their requirements, but they ignore the responsibility of parents as educators to impart social norms to their children. Sadly, the more child-centered a family is, the more self-centered children will be, and it will be difficult for them to adapt to society in the future. Once the spoiled children enter the society, they will be defeated and their survival will be seriously challenged once they encounter the impact of social reality and the blow of difficulties and setbacks.
As makarenko, an educator in the former Soviet Union, said: "Parents don't love their children enough, and children will feel pain, but overindulgence is a great feeling, but it will destroy them." The simple way to correct this misunderstanding is to learn to put the relationship between husband and wife in the right place.
Because, in a family, as long as the husband and wife have harmonious feelings and are naturally full of love for their love crystallization, children will get a superior environment to develop their body and mind. Might as well tell the child: Mom's favorite person is Dad, and Dad's favorite person is Mom. Although you didn't get what you wanted, you also have double love.
You can also make a rule for your child: don't disturb your parents for half an hour after work. As a result, you will find that the more you pay attention to children in the past, the more you ask, and the more difficult it is. Now, if you put it in the right place, your children will become polite and independent. Don't give children the impression that he is the emperor of the family, but educate children to know how to care about others.
Beat and scold the child rudely
What's more, some parents insist on the "truth" of parenting, thinking that children are their own, and how to manage them if they want. Beating and scolding children is responsible for them. As we all know, rough treatment of children not only weakens the prestige of parents in children's minds, but also may cause children to have bad psychology, such as hating parents, advocating violence or being timid, which is very unfavorable to children's physical and mental health development.
Parents should communicate with their children calmly, give rational psychological guidance to their children's problems, and don't beat and scold at will.
Expect too much from children.
It is reasonable for parents to expect their children to succeed, but they should grasp a degree and not expect too much and be too strict with their children. Excessive expectations will make children live under strong psychological pressure, and even produce psychological anxiety, which is not conducive to healthy growth. Mr. Tao Xingzhi, a famous educator, said: "Educate children not to be human, not to be outsiders, but to be their own people." The so-called "being a man" is to realize the value of life in ordinary life and become a real person.
Think about it, if parents just want their children to be big officials, scientists, chairmen, general managers, doctors, etc. What kind of burden do children's tender hands bear and how do their young hearts bear it? When beautiful dreams are broken in front of reality, what kind of psychological gap will they bear?
Therefore, parents should comprehensively measure their children's abilities, give them appropriate expectations, and adopt positive education methods according to expectations, which will be more conducive to their learning and physical and mental development.
Make arbitrary decisions and take compulsory actions.
Many parents like to entrust their unfulfilled dreams to their children to realize and give them the humiliation they have suffered in return. They all like to impose their wishes on their children. Have these parents ever thought about their children's feelings? Although the child was born to you, he is not your accessory, but a person with independent personality, who needs respect from others and has his own dreams.
Children who grow up under autocratic rule are either extremely resistant or overly dependent and lack the ability to make independent decisions, so it is easy to lose themselves and get hurt in a complex social environment. Therefore, as parents, we should correct this bad way of education.
Nag at a child.
Some parents, especially mothers, like to nag when educating their children. Maybe at the beginning, the child still listens to a few words, but if he talks too much, the child will easily have a rebellious mentality: "It's annoying, I'm not like that." In fact, when children think that they are not forced to accept a certain point of view, parents' opinions are easily adopted.
As the former Soviet educator Suhomlinski said: "Successful education should make students get unforgettable education without realizing it;" The education received in this subtle process often has the effect of dripping water through the stone. "Repeated preaching will only make children bored, but the subtle influence of spring rain will be more effective. Parents who love nagging may wish to change.
You can't lead by example.
Some parents are very strict with their children, asking them what they must do and how many points they must take, but they never pay attention to setting an example and can't set an example. This will not only fail to educate children, but also make them deeply understand and learn the bad quality of hypocrisy.
Children who grow up in this environment are mostly lonely and indifferent, lazy in study and life, and have no ambition and thirst for knowledge. Parents' correction method is simple. They should try their best to do what their children are asked to do, otherwise they should not make excessive demands.
Too democratic for children.
In the past, parents were easy to be simple and rude to their children, but now parents are often too democratic. Some parents don't spoil, be bossy, rude or nag, and let their children develop themselves and do whatever they want. As a result, they even gave up the necessary consultation and education. Some parents expect too much from their children, but when they fail to meet the requirements, they feel disappointed, lose confidence and give them full democracy and freedom.
Children lack the necessary guidance and education from their parents and are easily influenced by bad social atmosphere and get lost. In fact, democracy is to understand children's thoughts and encourage them to express their opinions, but it does not mean that they can let themselves go and bargain. When you treat his unreasonable demands by pleading, trading, threatening and reasoning, you are actually letting your child go.
Only criticize and not praise.
Modesty is a traditional virtue of China people, but it is sometimes used improperly. On the issue of educating children, many parents are very modest, care about their children's shortcomings and deficiencies, and only criticize but not praise them. They also like to tell others that their children are not good here and there.
As everyone knows, such an approach will annihilate children's self-confidence and easily make children fall into the quagmire of inferiority. Proper praise for children is very beneficial to their growth. As Isabella Chow, an advocate of appreciation education, said, "Do you want your children to be smart? Then find out the child's clever' spark' and blow it up, and it will become a' fire of the original fire'. "
Neglect the cultivation of morality and sentiment
In the tide of exam-oriented education, parents made the mistake of only caring about their children's exam results and ignoring their moral education. The overwhelming examinations and further studies have left children's moral education almost blank. Not paying attention to the cultivation of morality and sentiment, but only paying attention to the education of entrance examination, will make some students live in negative emotions of depression and anxiety for a long time, rarely experience success and happiness, and even lead to personality distortion.
What will happen to those who do well in exams but have poor moral development? People with rich emotions and noble morality are easy to establish good interpersonal relationships, often have high efficiency in study and work, have a greater probability of success, and more importantly, live a happy and fulfilling life.
Only pay attention to scores, ignoring skills.
Students with high scores and low abilities are created by such educational mistakes. Most of the parents' requirements for their children are to do a good job in learning and ignore the cultivation of their abilities. In the long run, children's life skills, learning skills, independent thinking and problem-solving skills, organization and coordination skills, and communication skills are very lacking. It is difficult for such children to develop greatly after entering the society.
At present, the "quality education" advocated by the education department is aimed at this kind of educational misunderstanding. Parents should actively respond, keep up with the situation and carry out family quality education for their children.