In the last article, Blue Ocean's article "What do adolescent children particularly hate? Do you know that?/You know what? After being released, simply speaking, in the hearts of parents, parents can't wait to start asking how to communicate with adolescent children.

Don't worry, Mr. Blue Ocean has specific methods to teach you how to communicate with your children.

However, before communicating with children, parents need to know what the psychological needs of adolescent children are. Only in this way can we understand why children behave like that, talk like that, and understand their needs, so that parents can talk well with their children.

Text/Blue Ocean

As we mentioned earlier, the external behaviors of adolescent children, such as rebellion, independence and freedom, are partly because their brains are in a brand-new stage of development, and they have such needs.

Besides the changes brought about by brain development, what psychological needs do adolescent children have?

1, social demand

Adolescent children are eager to connect with society, but the long-term living environment makes them become students, not social people. This has always been one of the biggest defects of education in China.

Social demand means that children at this stage think that friends are more important than parents, social relations are more important than family relations, and he will be more willing to put friends first in life.

They never want to make such friends:

They will choose friends between their parents and friends;

They will choose friends between teachers and friends;

They may choose their friends between going to school and asking him or her out to play.

For adolescent children, friends are an indispensable part of his or her life, and they are especially important.

So at this stage, their emotions will fluctuate because of the communication between friends.

2. The need for independence

It is every adolescent's unconscious wish to be the master of his own affairs when he grows up.

However, at this stage, especially the children in Grade One and Grade Two, there will be problems. I have helped many students with good grades in primary school, and their grades fell sharply in the first year of high school. The reason behind this is that at this stage, their psychological needs are longing for independence, but their abilities cannot match his independence.

I went to a family when I was filming Super Parenting Teacher, and my children's primary school performance was the first in their school.

But what about his first place?

He really works hard and gets good grades, but everything except the problem is done by his mother.

He has no self-management ability.

When he entered the first grade, he thought I was going to be independent. Mom, don't worry. Don't worry about everything you learn.

Mom thought, well, you are in junior high school, I don't care.

So the child becomes confused. He doesn't know what classes to enroll in, what classes to make up, and he can't make up a timetable. He spends 80% of his time doing what his mother once helped him, and only 20% of his time can let him study.

His grades have dropped sharply.

When I went to their home, he was in grade two, one of the best schools in the area. I asked him a question, "Which high school do you want to enter?"

He can tell which high school he wants to take.

I said, "What is the admission score of this high school in Hefei this year?"

The child's first reaction is "Mom, what's the score?"

Mom said, "You don't know? You will take the exam next year. Don't you know the score line of this school? "

Therefore, we will see that in the middle school stage, the child's inner demand for independence is very strong, but his ability is not enough.

And if you start to cultivate your child's independent ability in primary school, he can go smoothly in middle school, with independent needs and independent ability.

3, the need for a sense of accomplishment

At this time, the child needs a sense of accomplishment.

You will see more and more tyrants, playing basketball better and better, and those who like to play online games are more and more addicted. What is the reason?

Everyone is eager to be a leader in a certain field, so that he will have a sense of accomplishment.

We will see that in the middle school stage, children who are good at sports are surrounded by a bunch of little girls, which is very satisfying.

Many children like to play online games because they can't find feelings that can make them feel a sense of accomplishment in real life, but they can find them in online games.

A dying child once had a deep chat with me. Why are you addicted to the Internet? Actually, it's not addictive. Accurately speaking, children of this age group have a great demand for a sense of accomplishment.

The child told me, "In the online world, I can practice in various names, pass customs and upgrade."

I said, "Then why not study at school? Can't you do it? "

"You can change all kinds of identities on the Internet. Every day, the school is watching how I pass the exam. How can I get it? "

A child said to me, "I can hire someone to play games and buy equipment for us."

So you will find that all the so-called adolescent "addicted" children are mostly dissatisfied with their sense of accomplishment.

4, the demand of self-worth

I coached a child last year, and the child almost lost confidence at that stage. He said, "Blue Ocean, I collapsed!" "

I said, "Why?"

He said, "Physics, which I used to be good at, has fallen so badly that I have collapsed ..."

His physics score at that stage may be about 80 if the scale is 100, which I think is ok.

I said, "well, let's set a small goal first, and your physics score will increase by 5 points in two months."

His first reaction was "Blue Ocean, do you look down on me? How can I only go up by 5 points? ! "

I said, "no, we want five points, we want five points!" "

In fact, this goal is not set to make children's academic performance soar, but to enhance their sense of self-worth and make them have confidence in themselves.

The child got 90 points in the exam. I gave him a big hug and said, "Look, you did it! You are valuable! You can do it! " Then I celebrated with him for two weeks.

For parents, how to create a little surprise when their children are in adolescence, so that children can realize his sense of value: I succeeded! I realized it! I can do it! This is very important for children.

In fact, the unique needs of adolescence exist in everyone's heart and body.

When mode A can't be satisfied, children will find mode B by themselves, and parents will object to mode B, but they can't provide the right choice to try. For children, parents are destroying all possibilities for them to meet their inner needs (that is, mode B= all possibilities).

And this kind of mistake tore the parent-child relationship to the greatest extent.

Fill in the blanks with a and b, and you will understand better:

When children's academic achievements can't meet their inner needs, they will independently find their own way-online games. When parents oppose online games and fail to provide correct choices for their children to try to succeed, parents are destroying all possibilities for them to achieve success and find friends.

As a result, the contradiction between them became more and more fierce.

We need to understand these needs of children, which is extremely normal at their stage.

They are eager to succeed, they are eager to be like others, but they are eager to be different.

But all this may become "how could he do this?" In the eyes of his parents. If the child's behavior becomes a question mark in the eyes of parents, it may be difficult for us to communicate well with the child.

Of course, understanding the child's needs does not mean that we must meet his needs, but only after understanding the child's needs can we know the reasons behind the child's behavior and provide the child with the right choice to try.

For example, for children who are addicted to the internet, the topic we talk about together is usually:

"Do you know what your characteristics are?"

"Have you tried anything else that interests you?"

"Besides studying, can we find something that you might create value?"

Therefore, we can see that at this stage of adolescence, communication with children can sometimes be particularly intense, but sometimes it can be particularly gentle.