The original text of love between parents and children
If the merciful fate does not protect the baby from the fear of leaving the mother, then the baby will feel extremely scared at the moment of birth. But there is not much difference between a baby after birth and before birth; He still can't recognize objects, can't realize his own existence, and realizes the existence of the world outside his body. He only needs warmth and food, but he can't tell warmth and food from the mother who gave them. Mom is warmth, food, and a happy stage for the baby to feel satisfied and safe. According to Freud's concept, this stage is narcissism stage. The reality, people and things around you, which can cause satisfaction or disappointment inside the baby's body, will be meaningful to him. A baby can only be aware of his inner needs; The external world is realistic only if it is related to his needs, and the external world irrelevant to his needs is meaningless.
If a child keeps growing and developing, he will begin to accept things as they are. Mother's breasts are no longer the only source of food. Finally, he can distinguish between his thirst, the milk that can feed his stomach, his breasts and his mother. He began to know that other objects had their own existence and had nothing to do with him. At this stage, children learn to call objects by name and how to treat them; He began to understand that fire is hot and can burn people, wood is hard and heavy, paper is light and can be shredded. He also began to learn to deal with people: he saw that if he ate, his mother would smile; If he cries, his mother will pick him up; If he digests well, his mother will praise him. All these experiences condense and complement each other into one experience: I am loved. I am loved because I am a mother's child. I am loved because I am lonely. I am loved because I am cute and can win the love of others. In short, I am loved because I have the capital to be loved. More precisely, I am loved because I am who I am. The experience of maternal love is a negative experience. I can win my mother's love by doing nothing, because my mother is unconditional and I just need to be her child. Motherly love is a blessing, a kind of peace, and you don't need to win it or work hard for it. But maternal love with five conditions has disadvantages. This kind of love not only needs no effort, but also can't be obtained at all. With maternal love, there will be blessings; Without maternal love, life will become empty, but I have no ability to arouse this maternal love.
Most children aged 8 to 10 still have the main problem of being unconditionally loved. Children under the age of 8 can't love yet, and his response to being loved is gratitude and happiness. At this stage of children's development, there will be a new factor, a new feeling, which is to arouse love through their own efforts. For the first time, children feel that they should give their mother (or father) something to write a poem, draw a picture or do something else. For the first time in his life, he changed his view of love from being loved to loving others and creating love. But it will last for many years from the early stage of love to the mature stage of love. A child who enters adolescence will eventually overcome his egocentric stage, and others are no longer a tool to realize his personal wishes. The demands of others are as important as their own, and in fact they may be more important. Giving is more satisfying and happy than giving, and loving is more important than being loved. By loving him, he freed himself from the loneliness caused by narcissism, and he began to experience caring for others and uniting with others. In addition, he can feel the power of love to arouse love. He no longer depends on receiving love, but must make himself weak, helpless, sick or obedient in order to win love. Naive love follows the following principles: "I love because I am loved by others." "The principle of mature love is:" I am loved because I love someone. Immature and naive love is "I love you because I need you", while mature love is "I need you because I love you". "The love between parents and children is closely related to the development of the ability to love and the object of love. The first few months and years after birth have the closest relationship with the mother. This relationship begins before people are born, that is, when pregnant women and fetuses are both one and two. Being born has changed this situation in a sense, but it is by no means as great as it looks. Babies who live outside their mothers are almost completely dependent on their mothers. Later, children began to learn to walk, talk and know the world. At this time, the relationship with mother lost some importance of unity, while the relationship with father began to become important. In order to understand this change, we must understand the fundamental difference between maternal love and fatherly love. We have talked about maternal love above. Motherly love is unconditional in nature. A mother loves her newborn, not because the child meets her special wishes and her imagination, but because it is her child. (When I say maternal love or fatherly love, I mean "ideal mode", that is, Max? Weber mentioned jung's way of loving his son. I refer more to the essence embodied in my mother and father. ) unconditional maternal love is not only a child, but also the deepest desire of each of us. On the other hand, the love gained through hard work often makes people doubt. People will think: maybe I didn't bring happiness to the person who should love me, and maybe it will cause complications. In short, people are afraid that this love will disappear. In addition, the hard-won love often makes people feel painfully: I am loved because I make the other person happy, not out of my own will. In the final analysis, I am not loved, but needed. In view of this situation, it is not surprising that all of us, whether children or adults, firmly retain the desire for maternal love.
The relationship with my father is completely different. Mother is our hometown, the nature, the earth and the sea. Father does not reflect any natural origin. In the first few years, children have little contact with their fathers. At this stage, the role of fathers can hardly be compared with that of mothers. Although father does not represent nature, he represents the other extreme of human existence: the world of thought, the world of law, order and discipline created by human beings. A father is a person who educates children and shows them the way to the world.
Closely related to the role of father is another role related to social and economic development. With the emergence of private ownership and the phenomenon that property is inherited by sons, fathers are particularly interested in those who will inherit his property in the future. Father always chooses the son he thinks is the most suitable as the heir, that is, the son who is most similar to him and therefore deserves his favorite. Fatherly love is conditional love, and the principle of fatherly love is: "I love you because you meet my requirements, because you perform your duties, because you are similar to me." Just like unconditional maternal love, conditional fatherly love has its positive and negative sides. The negative side is that fatherly love must be won by hard work, and it will be lost if you fail to live up to your father's expectations. The essence of fatherly love is that obedience is the greatest morality, disobedience is the greatest sin, and disobedience will be punished by losing fatherly love. The positive side of fatherly love is also very important. Because fatherly love is conditional, I can win this love through my own efforts. Fatherly love is different from maternal love, which can be controlled through my efforts.
Parents' attitude towards their children meets their requirements. Babies need unconditional love and care from their mothers both physically and psychologically. At the age of six, children need the authority and guidance of their fathers. The mother's role is to give children a sense of security in life, while the father's task is to guide children to face up to the difficulties they will encounter in the future. A good mother will not stop her children from growing up, nor will she encourage them to seek help. A mother should believe in life, should not be afraid and should not pass on her feelings to her children. She should want her children to be independent and eventually get rid of herself. Fatherly love should have certain principles and requirements, be tolerant and patient, and not be aggressive and bossy. Fatherly love should make children more and more confident in their own strength and ability, and finally let them become their own masters, so as to get rid of their father's authority.
A mature person can finally reach the height of being both his mother and his father. He cultivated mother's conscience and father's conscience. Mother's conscience said to him, "no sin or crime of yours will make you lose my love and my blessing for your life and happiness." Father's conscience said: "If you do something wrong, you must bear the consequences;" The most important thing is that you must change yourself so that you can get my love. "Mature people separate themselves from the external images of their mothers and fathers, but establish these two images in their hearts. Contrary to Freud's "superego" theory, people don't build these two images by merging their father and mother, but build their mother's conscience on their ability to love and their father's conscience on their own reason and judgment. Mature people live in the mother's conscience and the father's conscience, although it seems contradictory. If a person only develops his father's conscience, he will become severe and inhuman; If he only has his mother's conscience, he is in danger of losing his self-judgment and will hinder the development of himself and others.
People develop from the intimate relationship with their mother to the intimate relationship with their father, and finally achieve integration, which is the basis for the health and maturity of human soul.
The main content of love between parents and children
This paper can be divided into three parts.
The first part (1~3) discusses the development of people's ability to feel and experience maternal love from infancy to childhood.
Paragraph 1 shows that babies cannot recognize objects and are unaware of their own existence and the existence of the world outside their bodies. Of course, babies have no ability to love.
The second paragraph expounds that when children grow up, they begin to know that other objects have their own existence and have nothing to do with themselves. Children learn to call objects by their names and how to treat them; Began to learn to deal with people, and gradually had the experience of maternal love. Motherly love is unconditional, and its defect is that it doesn't need to be exchanged with efforts, and it can't be obtained at all.
The third paragraph discusses that children under eight can't love yet. When I grow up, I will have a new feeling, that is, I will arouse love through my own efforts, from being loved to loving others, and create love. However, it takes many years from naive love to mature love.
The second part (paragraphs 4-7) expounds the essence of fatherly love and the fundamental difference between fatherly love and maternal love.
The fourth paragraph shows that babies are completely dependent on their mothers and children begin to understand the world. The relationship with mother is no longer as important as it was at first, but with father.
The fifth paragraph points out that the essence of maternal love is unconditional, so both children and adults are deeply eager for maternal love. The love gained through hard work often makes people doubt and fear that this kind of love will disappear, which often makes people feel that they are not loved but needed.
The sixth paragraph summarizes the essential difference between maternal love and fatherly love. For children, mother represents nature, nature, the earth and the ocean; Father represents the world of thought, the world of law, order and discipline. A father is a person who shows his children the way to the world.
Paragraph 7 explains the nature of fatherly love. Unlike unconditional maternal love, fatherly love is conditional love. The essence of fatherly love is that obedience is the greatest morality. The positive side of fatherly love is that it can be won through hard work; On the negative side, if you fail your father, you may lose this love. Unlike maternal love, paternal love can be controlled by children.
The third part (paragraph 8~ 10) points out that a mature person will eventually get rid of the dependence on the authority of his mother and father and become his own parents.
The eighth paragraph puts forward different requirements for maternal love and fatherly love. Mothers give their children physical and psychological love and care to make them feel safe. They also want their children to be independent and eventually leave themselves. From the age of six, the father began to guide the children to face up to the difficulties they will encounter in the future, so that the children have confidence in their abilities, and finally enable them to stand on their own feet without relying on their father's authority.
The ninth paragraph points out that a mature person is his parents. He built his mother's conscience on his ability to love, his father's conscience on his own reason and judgment, and established two images of his parents in his heart.
At the end (paragraph 10), summarize the full text in one sentence.
This article tells us that mother is a child's "natural world" and father is a child's "ideological world". Children turn from mother-centered attachment to father-centered attachment, and finally separate from them, and have two worlds of father and mother in their hearts, which lays the foundation for the health and maturity of the soul. The article is clear and in-depth, clarifying the essence and development of parent-child love.
A Brief Introduction to the Author of Love between Parents and Children
Ai？ Fromm (1900 ~ 1980), an American psychiatrist, new psychoanalyst and philosopher, is one of the representatives of psychoanalysis. 1922 received a doctorate in philosophy from the University of Heidelberg. The following year, he entered the University of Munich to study psychoanalysis and received training at the Berlin Psychoanalytic Institute. 1929 teaches at Frankfurt Institute of Psychoanalysis and Frankfurt University. 1934 immigrated to the United States.
He has taught at Columbia University, Yale University and Michigan State University. He wrote many books about his new psychoanalysis. Besides The Art of Love, his major works include The Development of Meaning (193 1), Escape from Freedom (194 1), Psychoanalysis and Ethics (1954) and. Marx's concept of man (196 1), the other side of the fantasy chain (1963), forgotten language (1965), psychoanalysis and religion (1967), revolution and hope.
In these works, Fromm shows his unique world outlook and thoughts, and he calls his particular world outlook normative humanitarianism. His theoretical contribution to Frankfurt School also lies in his research on human problems. What he discussed most was human existence, human essence, human love, human alienation and human liberation.
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