You must have heard the following sentence:
I believe every parent should be familiar with these words and tell them to their children more or less. Why do children say it countless times and never hear it again? Why hasn't it changed since I admitted my mistake? Why did you say no, and finally solved the problem by hitting people with fat people? Is it a child's problem or a parent's problem?
Many parents think that their children have not been corrected, but this is actually a problem for parents. Parents don't share the same values. Parents always want their children to change. Actually, only we can change it.
A basic rule of getting along with others is that one can only change oneself, partner, parents, children and colleagues. Don't expect another person to change to meet your expectations. In fact, only you can change the relationship with the people around you. Others will respond to this. The same is true of educating children. Only by changing their behavior can children behave better.
Elizabeth Clary, a practical parenting expert, put forward the famous "triangle stool theory" with her 40 years of parenting experience as her goal. Children's education is like a triangular stool, and the triangle is the most stable and stable. In children's education, defecation means: knowing your own value, expecting your children reasonably and respecting your own needs.
You don't know when to insist and when to adapt, so when you don't insist, you should insist and not adapt.
When educating children, the order changes every day. The first time a child does something wrong, you choose punishment, and the second time you choose reward, the child will be confused. If parents are educated in this messy way, how can they expect their children to gain a clear sense of rules?
Parents should know their true value, whether for themselves or their children. If parents don't know what their children want, they are often disappointed in their children. Clear values can help parents distinguish between long-term goals and short-term goals. Long-term goals. If parents don't know what they want, it is impossible to make a clear plan for their children.
Clear values vary from person to person, values will change with time, and sometimes values will contradict each other, but parents must straighten out their values, otherwise their children will become confused. I am generous? When do you need to be obedient and when do you need your children to be independent? Parents must have a consistent set of values.
Whether children of the same age or at different stages of the same child, their behaviors are very different. If the expectations of children are unrealistic, parents may waste a lot of time and energy on things that cannot be achieved. Parents and children will feel depressed.
Expectations must exist. According to Pygmalion effect, children's academic performance is directly proportional to parents'/teachers' expectations, but excessive expectations will only lead to parents' anxiety. Parents should adjust their expectations at any time, knowing that each child's learning speed is different and there must be time for growth.
Parents don't need to be too tight. They are always demanding and everything is perfect. Only when parents feel happy, relaxed and happy will the people around them be more relaxed and happy.
When parents keep giving their children time and attention, children will become empty and gradually lose patience and understanding. Blindly suppressing yourself and forcing yourself to dedicate yourself to children will only make parents breathless, and parents will certainly feel this depressed state.
Parents can restore and enrich their inner world by getting the care and support of others and doing some pleasant things. Do what you like, give yourself some time and arrange your own time. Only in this way can you be in a better state and have a more positive impact on children when facing them.
When we sort out the "triangle stool theory" in children's education, let's look at the practical level again. How should parents discipline their children? Say that children should not only listen, but also correct? Parents can do this in three ways:
About strengthening, we must talk about Skinner.
Skinner is a master of behaviorism learning theory. He systematically developed the theory of operating conditions, which had a great influence on educational practice. Several educational methods we will discuss are all based on Skinner's theory.
Skinner mentioned the concepts of positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement. Positive reinforcement is to enhance the response frequency by presenting the required pleasant stimuli, while negative reinforcement is to enhance the response frequency by eliminating or terminating disgusting and unpleasant stimuli.
Give two examples to illustrate. Mother said to the child, "If you finish your homework on time today, mother will reward you for watching TV 15 minutes." Children like watching TV. This is positive reinforcement. By presenting a pleasant stimulus, the child wants to stimulate the child to do his homework.
"If you finish your homework on time, you won't need to wash the dishes today." Washing dishes is something that children don't like. It is negative to encourage children to finish their homework by eliminating unpleasant stimuli.
When a three-year-old child learns to dress himself, his mother immediately encourages him, which is a positive supplement. If the child realizes that his mother likes him to do this, he is more likely to maintain this behavior.
We should use negative reinforcement as little as possible, because negative reinforcement is similar to punishment, which usually makes children feel scared, disgusted or avoided by threats, intimidation and other means. If this happens, it will lead to the alienation and separation of parent-child relationship. At the same time, negative reinforcement is difficult to change children's bad behavior, and we mainly use positive reinforcement.
The most common method of positive reinforcement is praise. I believe many parents use this method without a teacher, but praise is not always useful. You must pay attention to the following five points.
Praise must be clear.
You should not only explain clearly what your child has done, but also express your feelings. For example, "Baby, I'm glad you hung up your coat" instead of "You are such a good boy". The latter can't make your child understand your compliment, so the compliment must be clear.
② Timely praise
When your child shows your expected behavior, you should praise him immediately. Even if the praise is delayed for a while, it may not play a role in encouraging good behavior.
③ Be sincere.
Parents should not think that they can cheat their children. Children can always feel whether praise comes from the heart. Although sometimes parents may be dissatisfied with what their children have done and don't want to hit them, they can choose the parts they are satisfied with to praise their children.
For example, your daughter drew a photo, and after reading it, you don't think the effect is very good. You will never praise her against her wishes, "Baby, you draw really well."
The correct way to praise should be like this. Find out what you appreciate in this painting, such as lines, colors, shapes, children's efforts, etc. And find the specific part that you are relatively satisfied with and praised.
④ Beware of "sandwich praise"
The meaning of "sandwich compliment" sounds like a superficial compliment, but in fact it has a negative evaluation and comparison. For example, many parents will say to their children, "Baby, I'm glad you put down your toys today. I hope you don't forget them next time. "
Such praise will only make children feel that I am not doing well enough. He has negative expectations for tomorrow, thus eliminating the excitement of being praised now.
Praise will bore children.
Positive praise is very important to cultivate children's optimistic personality, but if the frequency of praise is too high, praise will not stimulate, and children will eventually learn to eat by themselves. Parents were overjoyed and praised their children. In fact, this kind of praise is meaningless to children.
Therefore, praise is not good, but it must be clear and sincere, and it must not be mixed with personal items or overused.
For most children, the most effective praise and positive reinforcement is the attention and companionship of parents. Even just praise, simple gestures or parent-child activities can greatly reduce children's strange needs and bad behaviors.