The mother thought the child's clothes were dirty and asked him to wash them. He didn't want to wash, so the mother forced the child to wash. When the child had his hair cut, the father dared not look at it and felt ashamed, so he forced the child to have his hair cut again. Children's rooms are in a mess, and parents can't stand it, so they force their children to clean up?
Have many parents done these behaviors?
Some parents may wonder, aren't all the above behaviors normal educational behaviors? Shouldn't parents educate their children like this? Clothes should be washed when they are dirty, hairstyles should be cut when they are weird, and rooms should be tidied up when they are messy. Don't leave the children at sixes and sevens?
Parents should educate their children, but it remains to be discussed which behaviors parents can educate and which behaviors parents educate are meddling.
If we carefully observe the above-mentioned children's behaviors, we will find that these problems are mainly related to the children themselves, not to their parents, and have no influence on others: people are willing to wear dirty clothes, cut their hair styles and make their holidays messy, okay? This is all their personal behavior and does not hinder others. Others have the right to decide their own clothes, hairstyles and room layout. It's just that some parents use their own values to measure their children's behavior. If they feel that their children's behavior does not meet their own standards, they must change it to meet their own standards.
Parents meddle in their children without affecting others' private behavior, that is, they meddle in their own affairs.
On the contrary, if children's behavior affects others, then parents' education is reasonable.
For example, children draw pictures and don't get their desks dirty, but the walls and the ground are everywhere, which affects others. Parents' education on this behavior is the proper education.
Why are our parents so nosy?
Our parents especially like to mind their own business, because China's parents generally have these three kinds of thinking:
1, responsible for children
China has always been a patriarchal society, valuing consanguinity and neglecting the legal system. Violation of laws and regulations is not the first thought of law, but is handled within the family. In this weak external constraint environment, we pay special attention to personal cultivation and personal morality, and family education plays an important role in the formation of personal cultivation and personal morality, so it is known as? Is it the fault of the father to raise or not to teach? 、? If the beam is crooked, the beam is crooked. Statement. If children behave badly, people will blame their parents first.
Under this concept, China people also pay special attention to family education and are strict with their children. This was originally a good thing, but as a result, parents wanted to take care of everything, so they had to take care of some private behaviors of their children, so they meddled.
2. For your own good
Rooted in the hearts of Chinese people, there is also a very common view? For your own good? .
In the latest episode of Little Joy, Joe wanted to jump into the river because she was depressed, because her mother was in charge of everything. Eiko wants to go to Nanjing University, but Song Qian won't let her go. She thought it best to go to Peking University. Eiko wants to play, Song Qian won't let him, and learning is the most important thing; Eiko wanted to give a speech at the planetarium, but Song Qian stopped her. Anyway, Song Qian used it. Am I good to you? Eiko's thoughts controlled her and made her feel suffocated, so she wanted to escape.
So, when parents think there is something wrong with their children's behavior, are they there? For your own good? I want to control my children and force them to change.
3. disrespect for children
Probably because our feudal society has been suppressed by the rule for a long time, we China people have always been right, right? Respect? These two words are unfamiliar, let alone to children. ? You are a minister, a father is a son, and a husband is a wife? In the eyes of many parents, children should listen to their parents and be what their parents say. It's only natural for me to beat my son. Isn't there an allegorical saying? Beating children in rainy days-idle is idle? This shows how disrespectful we are to our children.
Disrespect for children means that parents can discipline their children at any time and do whatever they want regardless of their personal feelings. Therefore, sometimes parents have to take care of their children's private affairs out of personal preference.
The result of meddling.
Parents? For your own good? In the name of meddling, it will bring two very bad results:
1, destroying parent-child relationship
The most direct consequence of parents' meddling is to destroy parent-child relationship and make it tense.
Everyone has a desire to pursue self-control. Life is precious, but love is more expensive. If you are free, you can throw them away. People think that living according to their own wishes is the highest pursuit. When parents interfere with children's behavior, if it is because these behaviors affect parents, then it is understandable for parents to interfere with children, and children can accept it. However, if the child's behavior is purely personal and has no influence on others, then parents want to interfere because they don't like it, so they have opinions on their parents.
This kind of harm to the parent-child relationship is most obvious when the child is in adolescence. Parents meddle in their children's affairs when they are young, because the children have no ability to resist, so they can only passively accept them. However, when children resist in adolescence and their parents interfere in their freedom, it will cause their fierce resistance.
2. Deprived children of their independence.
The starting point of meddling is to distrust children and think that children can't do well, so parents need to help their children change themselves. But growth takes experience. Where can I succeed without failure?
Degang Guo spoke very well in a talk show, so it's time to lose.
Do you know it takes time? No need, need to experience! I experienced a thing at the age of three, and I didn't realize that I had never experienced it until I was 95. He may never understand that it is not a good thing to lose money while it is still early. Growing up, no one said anything malicious to him. At the age of sixty-five, whoever stares at him in the street may die suddenly. Beaten since childhood. I eat eight mouthfuls a day, like an iron arhat and a living king kong. I don't care about anything
Ability is not born, but acquired. The more kind parents are to their children, the more they should learn to let go, instead of intervening to deprive their children of the opportunity to exercise themselves.
How do parents avoid meddling?
It is the responsibility of parents to educate their children well. The starting point for us to avoid meddling is actually to educate our children well. Therefore, parents must know when to educate and when to let go and avoid meddling. This requires parents to correctly distinguish their children's problems.
If parents carefully analyze the problems encountered in educating their children, they will find that the problems can be divided into two categories: problems belong to children and problems belong to parents.
1. What kind of problems belong to children?
The child quarreled with his friend. The child was criticized by the teacher. The child is unhappy because of the zit on his face.
Observing these problems, we will find that these problems are independent of parents' lives and have no influence on parents, but mainly affect children. Children have a strong need to solve problems, and the solution of problems is mainly to benefit children, so such problems belong to children.
Parents have no legitimate reason for those problems that belong to their children, because the problems have no practical impact on parents, so parents have no reason to interfere, otherwise they will mind their own business.
2. What kind of problems belong to parents?
Children's music has a great influence on your work. The child didn't finish his housework. The child lost your things.
This kind of problem affects the reasonable needs of parents, and it does affect parents. When the problem is solved, the main beneficiaries are also parents, so this kind of problem belongs to parents.