Is it particularly familiar? Repeat it every day?
This is rejecting a child. What is rejecting a child? Whenever a child does something that his parents don't like, his parents will stop him, reject his behavior and force him to change.
Most of our parents are used to rejecting their children.
And the corresponding is to accept children, what is acceptance of children, that is, we recognize all the behaviors of children, whether good or bad, we recognize and accept them.
Let me give you a simple example.
Children procrastinate and do not do their homework carefully. Most parents always try to change their children's behavior and make them study hard. This is because parents nowadays are rejecting their children and want to transform them and turn them into what they want.
Accepting a child means that parents have not seriously accepted the child's procrastination. No matter how bad the child does, it is also his own child. He will never dislike him or love him. They don't always try to turn their children into their ideal children, but help them grow into their own individuals.
At this time, perhaps some parents will say that if bad behavior is recognized and not stopped, won't the child be lawless and do whatever he wants? How to educate?
This question contains three meanings:
First, how to make children better
First of all, is it only by pointing out the shortcomings of children that they can become better?
The way to make children become excellent is to have more advantages and fewer disadvantages. But there are two ways to achieve this goal:
One is that there are fewer shortcomings and more advantages, which is our usual thinking and technique.
One is that there are more advantages, the advantages are enlarged, and the disadvantages are naturally reduced.
Everything has two sides, both advantages and disadvantages. The key is from which angle.
For example, it is impolite, wrong and a disadvantage for children to play with other people's toys; But from another perspective, children are self-motivated and purposeful, which is another advantage.
If you only emphasize the shortcomings and fail to see the advantages of the child, then the child will not be accepted, and the child will only remember his bad behavior. He may not get it next time, but his advantage is gone. And if we see the advantages of children, then we emphasize the advantages of children and guide them to choose appropriate methods, then children will remember their own advantages and become better.
Therefore, pointing out children's mistakes and letting them know how bad they are may make them excellent, but pointing out children's advantages and making them feel respected and recognized will definitely make them better.
Second, will it become lawless to accept children's bad behavior?
Many parents think that if their children are not punished for bad behavior, they will become reckless and will only get worse.
This idea is based on the evil nature of human nature. They think that children will indulge themselves rather than work hard.
Is that really the case?
As we all know, the nature of good or evil is wrong. The child is a blank sheet of paper, and the key is the influence of the surrounding environment on him.
If parents and families are full of love and positive, then children who grow up in such an environment are naturally positive; On the contrary, if parents misbehave in the family, is it possible to expect their children to get out of the mud and become clean?
Therefore, as long as our parents have a good family environment, children will naturally cater to the mainstream values of this society in order to gain a sense of respect and belonging.
Therefore, it is very important for parents to create a family atmosphere and create an environment suitable for children's growth. On this basis, children will not become lawless.
For example, children like watching TV and watching mobile phones, and they will always be persistent. In the past, we may scold more and scold less, but now we educate our children from the perspective of acceptance. We don't scold or criticize children, but change the environment: turn off the TV at a specified time every night and parents read books together. Change children with a good external environment.
Third, does accepting the child's bad behavior not stop the child at all?
We accept children's bad behavior because we believe that there is nothing wrong with our children in essence. He did something wrong just because he didn't know how to do it or chose the wrong path.
We must resolutely stop some serious bad behaviors that hurt ourselves or others, but what we stop is his behavior, and we will not make children feel that we hate him and don't love him because of these behaviors. We focus on guiding him what is right and wrong, rather than emphasizing how bad his mistakes are.
Experience the differences between the following examples:
The children are chasing and fighting in the elevator.
Rejection: stop running, why can't you be honest every day?
Acceptable language: Fighting on the elevator is very dangerous. Stand as good as your mother, hold the escalator and stand steady.
In the long run, accepting children and rejecting them will produce completely different results.
Accepted child
Acceptable language attitude will make children feel the respect, care and acceptance of their parents. Children will like to communicate with their parents, because they know that their parents love him. They will not criticize and scold him because he has done something wrong, but will only help him and make him better. In this way, children will have a stronger psychology and will do their best to exert their abilities with confidence.
Rejected child
The language and behavior of refusal will make children close their hearts, children will become unwilling to talk to their parents, and things will be buried in their hearts. After the accident, parents often say that my children are very good and can't do such bad things. Did your parents lie? No, it's just that children hide their true thoughts from their parents.
At the same time, because they don't know their parents' attitude, they will not dare to try. If their parents don't agree, they may be criticized and scolded. And because he always cares about his parents, he is easy to become a flattering character. I don't know how to refuse when I grow up. Although I don't like doing it, I am forced to do it. I am depressed and unhappy.
Accept what children should do.
It is one thing to feel accepted by children, and it is another to let children feel this acceptance. Unless the parents' sense of acceptance can be conveyed to the child, it has no effect on him. Parents must learn how to express their acceptance.
To do this, you need to have some specific skills, because if you can't express it correctly, then the child will never know whether he is accepted by another person.
Reception can be divided into nonverbal information and language.
I. Nonverbal information
Nonverbal information is conveyed by gestures, postures and expressions. Micro-expressions popular in recent years are typical non-verbal information. Many times, you can feel a person's attitude towards you without telling him whether he likes you or not, just because you got such hidden information from his nonverbal information.
Therefore, if parents want to accept their children, they must first change their attitudes and attitudes towards them. Otherwise, even if you say that you accept and recognize your child, your child will feel your rejection.
Second, language.
I have listed several refusal words of long-term offenders here:
1, command, command and control
2. Warnings, admonitions and threats
3. Persuade and preach
4. Give suggestions, solutions or opinions.
5. Persuasion, education and logical argument.
6, evaluation, criticism, blame
7. Classification, ridicule and humiliation
8. Investigation and inquiry
For example, when a child complains to his parents that his friends don't like him or don't play with him. Parents habitually give advice: "I suggest you be kind to Xiao Ming, so that he may be willing to play with you." In fact, the meaning conveyed to children far exceeds what parents imply, and children may hear the following hidden information:
You don't accept my feelings, so I hope you will make a change.
You don't believe that I can solve this problem by myself.
You think the problem is me, and I am wrong.
You think I'm not as smart as you.
Look at the refusal above, and we will find a feature:
It has strong personal subjective emotions, especially negative emotions.
It is precisely because we have too much subjective consciousness that we will judge, criticize and blame our children.
Therefore, the correct receptive language should be objective, try not to be mixed with negative emotions, and at the same time feedback the child's emotional language, so that the child feels that you understand him and you understand him.
Also in the above example, when a child complains to his parents that his friends don't like him or don't play with him, his parents can answer like this:
Parents: Really, that's a bit bad. Does it bother you that he doesn't play with you?
Child: Yes, I suspect that he may have made new friends.
Parent: Well, maybe.
Child: I think maybe I should make some new friends too.
Parent: Well, that's a good idea.
Through such receptive communication, children get support and understanding from their parents and find ways to solve their own problems.
abstract
From the above analysis, we can see that rejecting children will destroy the parent-child relationship and make children have the psychology of resistance and self-denial.
Accepting children not only makes parent-child relationship more harmonious, children are more willing to cooperate with their parents, but also makes children become better from excellent.
The key to accepting children is for parents to change their mentality and adjust the perspective of observing children.
So from now on, learn to look at your children with appreciation.