-Herbert, German philosopher, psychologist and educator
Che Xiao is the son of a good friend. When he was six or seven years old, the two families ate together in a restaurant outside. He is playing with a small card with Tang poems written on it. Because his daughter likes reading since she was a child, she took two books from him and read Tang poems on them.
Little che was very surprised to say:
"Sister is really amazing, I can actually understand it!"
At this moment, Che Xiao's mother said a words:
"You see my sister is only two years old and can read Tang poetry. You are in grade one. It's a pity to recite so many Tang poems in a week. "
At first, I tried to interrupt, but it was too late. The light in Che Xiao's eyes was dim. Gloomily, he sat back in his seat, then came over and took the card from his daughter and made her cry.
So the rebuke sounded again:
"So don't understand, what's wrong with calling my sister! No manners at all! "
Small clear eyes flashing with tears of injustice and anger, stubbornly shout:
"The card is mine!"
I know he doesn't care about these two little cards, but because his mother's words hurt him, but he couldn't tell his specific feelings and didn't know how to vent his emotions, so he had to attack his sister to ease his embarrassment and injustice.
I took him to the door and asked him:
"Mom makes you very unhappy, doesn't she?"
He didn't speak and nodded.
"Mom, that's not right. Che Xiao is great in my aunt's heart, and you will have great skills, right? "
But in a few words, I can barely calm my emotions, and the effect is not great. From then on, perhaps because of the faint resistance in my heart, Che Xiao never came to our house again.
The blow from parents hurts not only the present, but also the years, deeply rooted in the child's heart like a needle.
A netizen in Weibo said:
When I was in junior high school, my mother laughed at her in public at KTV, which made her feel extremely humiliated. She still refused to sing.
However, this thing that left a deep impression on her heart was denied by her mother at first, and then she said it was just a joke. Her mother accused her of talking nonsense when her daughter said she was hurt.
Children want to denounce their parents because of the past, but only go back to that wronged moment and defend themselves once, only to find that they will get hurt again-you are not strong enough to blame your parents for what you have done.
Children may just want to get a sentence like "I'm sorry, mom and dad didn't do well enough at that time and hurt you" to let them let go of their past grievances and anger. However, the emotion of running left and right has not been released, but has been filled, blocked and refluxed.
This kind of feeling, just thinking about it makes people uncomfortable.
This Weibo resonated with many people, leaving a story of being satirized, ridiculed, attacked and abused by his parents when he was a child or until now. How many people secretly shed tears when they were young?
I often see some news that many children choose to run away from home, take sleeping pills, jump off buildings and so on. Because of the "small things" in the eyes of adults. It is always said that children nowadays are too spoiled and psychologically fragile because they have not received enough blows and setbacks.
It is often said that being born in a family has become an excuse for many people to avoid change. As an adult, he has enough cognitive ability to distinguish right from wrong and choose his own path again, so he can't be so blx.
First of all, it must be emphasized here that the word "blx" does not apply to parent-child relationship.
Parent-child relationship is ontology, and other relationships are objects. The object relationship is just a variety of extensions of the parent-child relationship model. Parents are like tree trunks that nourish and transport nutrients, and everything else is just branches and leaves. So the blow from parents is completely different from the degree that others hurt their children.
Chinese-style crackdown on educational fallacies requires our parents to be aware of several important issues.
● Combating education is the anxiety projection of parents' dissatisfaction with themselves.
The problem of parent-child relationship is basically the self-projection of parents' own problems.
Parents project their dissatisfaction, anger, anxiety and failure on their children, and even hope to reverse their fate through their children-if they don't have academic qualifications, they hope their children will study hard, poverty will give birth to their children's hope of making more money, social relations will be frustrated, and they hope their children will become civil servants.
The typical projection of anxiety and frustration is "other people's children". Many children will strive to reach this standard, hoping to reverse their parents' negation, but it will be difficult to achieve it all their lives.
Because the parents themselves have not improved, the external projection will not stop.
● A child's inner strength and strength comes from true love.
A mentally healthy person is often a child who gets enough love in childhood. True love is to respect the child as an independent life and give him correct protection and necessary restrictions.
Treating children as their extension and accessories usually leads to domestic violence, doting and denial.
Some parents even say "I'm doing it for you" when cracking down on denying their children. When the injury puts on the mask of love, it will make children think that intimacy should be a way of communication that plays tricks on each other when they grow up, and they will not correctly express their feelings and needs, and then "love" others in this wrong way.
The protagonists of many inspirational stories may have suffered materially, but their spiritual world is very rich, and there are usually parents or guides who love them deeply behind them. Their strength and inner strength do not come from external setbacks and hardships.
Children's inner strength and self-confidence is to understand that parents love themselves unconditionally and accept everything about themselves;
Is to know how many times you have fallen outside, and there is a stable energy support behind you. Instead of being injured outside, you have to be attacked by your parents.
● Real frustration education is not a blow and denial.
Combating the denial of children is not a "frustration education that allows you to grow up" verbally by many parents.
Frustration education is to give encouragement and advice to children when they encounter setbacks and help them overcome difficulties, rather than artificially setting up satire and ridicule.
Carol Dweck, a psychologist at Stanford University, pointed out that a person will have two kinds of mentality when facing difficulties and setbacks:
One thinks that one's abilities and talents are fixed, and all difficulties and challenges are "tests for oneself". If a person fails this test, it means that there is something wrong with this person's ability. This is called stereotype.
The other thinks that one's ability can be strengthened through continuous improvement the day after tomorrow. They like failure, because failure can bring them a lot of experience and lessons, and make them grow. This is called growth mentality.
Cracking down on education will make children grow into a fixed mentality, unable to have a growing mentality, and split into two selves at the same time-children will feel that their parents love only their excellent selves, while their bad selves are not worthy of being loved. When they grow up, once they fail to meet some set standards, they will begin to dislike themselves.
The deep transmission of love began from the moment the child was born. If you really want your children to be strong, please accept and love them unconditionally. This love and this acceptance will become the biggest battle shield in his life.
Accompanied by the same, the heart is dependent? Wechat official account (initial living room) ID: xinlishudaozixun