Facing the question of death, from the age of 5 to 95, everyone has his own unique answer, and there are also different answers from different angles such as science, philosophy, religion and art. Fundamentally speaking, this is a philosophical question that is difficult to get a standard answer. Just like everyone has their own current life feelings, it is very personalized.
1, separation stage: 0 ~ 3 years old, unable to tell the difference between "death" and "separation", with strong "separation anxiety". Intimate and continuous physical contact is the most important at this stage.
2. Structural stage: 3-6 years old, preschool children's understanding of "death" is lying still without breathing, playing "playing house" and pretending to be dead, but they can't realize that "life" and "death" can't coexist. They often think that death is reversible and temporary, just like cartoons. They often associate death with sleeping or traveling, and sometimes they are afraid of sleeping. Children of this age will be full of fantasy and magical thinking about death, and believe that their own thoughts or actions will lead to someone's death. Children will also associate "death" with "old", but they are not sure what "old" is. Children who are seriously ill will not think that they may die unless they get relevant death information from adults. Children of this age need continuous physical contact, repeated comfort and gentle teaching until they form a mature view of death.
Then there is the functional stage of understanding death at the age of 6 ~ 12 and the abstract thinking stage at the age of 12, which leads to a mature view of death.
Therefore, no matter how young children are, they will have their own direct or indirect death experience. Avoiding the topic of death will suppress his natural life experiences and feelings, making it difficult for him to find a way to dredge them.
Children react differently to life phenomena in different situations. The following scenes show his different performances in the face of life phenomena:
Scene 1: Pingping, two years old and three months old, is playing a gun game with his father. Only when both sides took out their "hands" and pointed them at each other, their mouths made a "bang, bang" sound at the same time. Pingping fell down and closed his eyes. Mother asked Pingping, "What's the matter with you?" Pingping smiled and said, "I was killed!" Then, immediately turn over and stand up again and start another gun battle. In this way, the sound of "bang, bang" fell down, "I was killed", stood up, and then made the sound of "bang, bang". The laughter of this "parent-child gunfight" continued.
In the eyes of boys, "death" is a necessary link when playing war games. In this case, of course, there is no need to highlight the serious topic of "what is death", which destroys the fun of the game.
Scene 2: A 3-year-old daughter is looking through her parents' wedding photos and suddenly asks her mother, "Why is there no me here?" Mother smiled casually: "I told you before, there was no you at that time!" " "The daughter shook her head like a wave drum:" No, mom, it's mine. I am very young, hiding in my clothes, don't you see! " "
Sometimes in the face of life phenomena, children will have a self-centered recognition and affirmation of their own lives: the little girl is so eager to convince her mother that her life is "always there", and of course she doesn't believe that she will die. At this time, what we need to do is to affirm her existence and convince her that she will always be loved.
Situation 3: There is a little boy who likes to jump around on his father. He is very naughty. One day, his father died of a heart attack. The little boy was very sad and thought that he must have been too naughty and killed his father. It was no use trying to persuade my family, so I finally had to ask for help from a psychologist.
When the little boy faced his father's death, he showed a sense of self-blame. At this time, it is best to tell the child the truth at once, find someone close to the child, accompany him intimately in a familiar and safe environment, let him know that he is still loved, and will continue to be cared for in the future, reducing his loneliness. At the same time, let the children know that they did not cause the death of their loved ones, and no one can stop the death. Relatives should encourage children to express their inner feelings in words and body, and ask them what they are thinking and want to know.
Scene 4: Tintin, three and a half years old, sees a dead sparrow. Then he began to ask questions like "What are sparrows doing?" "What do you mean, dead?" "Why did it die?" "What happened when it died?" "Will Mom and Dad die?" "Will I die?"
At this time, Tintin was very interested in "death", far exceeding his fear of it. Although this is not a pleasant topic for mom and dad. However, Tintin doesn't know. He shouted excitedly, "Let's go back to the garden! I want to see if the sparrow is still alive. "
What Tintin shows is pure curiosity about life phenomena and enthusiasm for scientific exploration. At this time, it may be the most appropriate to satisfy his thirst for knowledge with vivid and interesting life science exploration activities.
When communicating the topic of death with your baby, you must give it poetic beauty while empathizing with it, and find some most suitable ways to educate your child about life in combination with the situation.
1, tell a family story
Guiding children to know that death is a natural life phenomenon can start with sharing family stories together. Experts suggest that when family members get together to chat, they can find out the yellowed photos and tell their children about their parents' biological parents or grandparents who have passed away. Where did they come from? Do what? How many children do you have? What did they like to play at that time? What to eat? What is the happiest or saddest thing? You can also draw these stories with your children, and gradually understand life and death in drawing and telling stories.
2. Using pets as a medium
Many babies like keeping pets. Pets have a short life span and can easily become children's first experience of contact with death. Parents may wish to make good use of the opportunity of life education. The death of pets often arouses children's doubts about death. Where did the dog go? What is heaven? Can I go with you? More and more research points out that if children are encouraged to ask questions related to death, allowed to express their emotions, and often cared for, then they can face the death of their loved ones more calmly.
Let the children watch The Lion King. When Simba the lion's father dies, the children in front of the TV will cry with him. In fact, they are "practicing" their sadness and learning to let their emotions have an outlet.
3. Talk about life and death in the game
Kubler Ross, a master of life and death, mentioned in his book About Children and Death that painting and play can help children understand or face death. In recent years, China has also published some children's books and picture books related to the theme of death, which can guide children to talk about life and death through parent-child reading. The picture book "Does Grandpa Wear a Suit" tells the story of the little boy Bruno's grandfather's death. He didn't know what death was, so he was angry at first, because grandpa promised to take him fishing, but he went to heaven without saying anything. His chest often tingles. In the face of his grandfather's death, Bruno experienced doubt, pain and sadness. Finally, he realized that his grandfather smiled as in the photo and continued to live in his memory.
4. Know life and death from nature
Let children experience the changes of seasons, such as watching the process of leaves from newborn to withered. There is a psychological counselor in Linyi who chose to let her children plant trees, knowing that "flowers bloom and fall, flowers die, but another flower is born".