What should parents pay attention to?
1. When punishing children, parents' opinions need to be unified.
If the father wants to punish, the mother must stop it, and the child may observe the attitude of both sides and then seek asylum. Once he is successfully sheltered, he will continue to escape punishment in this way. In some families, parents have different opinions when punishing their children. Parents want to punish their children, but the doting old people don't agree. The old people have become an umbrella for children to escape punishment.
Parents should control their emotions.
Impulse is the devil. When we are extremely angry, what we do is not to punish our children, but to vent our anger.
Some parents, once their children cry outside, will lose control and even reach out and fight. This is anger. They lost the ability to control their emotions. Once parents can't detect and control their emotions, children will suffer in the process of growing up.
We should know exactly what we are doing.
If parents know what they are doing, they are still rational. If they don't notice, children may become tools for parents to vent their emotions.
Some parents are usually very kind and educated outside, but after returning home, they are particularly sharp, harsh and indifferent to their families. He was treated unfairly outside. He suppressed a lot of anger and dared not express it, but at home he hurt his closest relatives, because his relatives would not leave him. In this way, children become tools for parents to vent their anger and grievances, which is very harmful to children.
If you are beaten and scolded by your father since childhood. When you grow up, you will be a successful person and have a good job, but you may not be happy. After having a child, you especially hope that you can be more tolerant of the child and don't let the tragedy that happened to you repeat itself in the child. But after the child made two mistakes, you lost control and beat the child. At that moment, you realized the feeling of being a child and regarded the child as someone who hurt yourself.
This kind of behavior has a professional term in psychology-identification with the victim, that is, the person who is treated violently may become the perpetrator in the future. Because they don't want to be a helpless and injured child who is treated by violence, the only way to comfort their psychology is to be an abuser, so they become their own fathers and your children become an outlet.
The best punisher is father.
What mothers give their children is a gentle and safe experience. If a mother gives her child a bipolar experience of "two worlds of ice and fire" and is moody, it is unacceptable for the child, because in the child's cognition, the mother is the caregiver and protector and should not treat me like this. Especially for girls, if her mother is too strict with her, even corporal punishment, she will have a strong anger towards her mother and hope her father will help her. If her father didn't lend a helping hand or even walked away coldly, she would be more angry with her father than her mother. Therefore, she can be punished by canceling a long-awaited opportunity instead of physically punishing her. For example, when she particularly wants to go out to play, she is forbidden to go out to play; Or when she wanted a toy, she didn't satisfy her wish. This punishment is more acceptable to her than corporal punishment.
Some suggestions on punishment:
After punishment, it is very important to give children a chance to express their emotions, which is very important for people who are sad or have great emotional fluctuations. If my father doesn't let me cry after hitting me, I can only attack myself, and I will feel that I am the loneliest and saddest person in the world.
Therefore, regarding punishment, I don't think corporal punishment is the best way. If it is really necessary, don't do it in public, and clearly tell your child the reasons for punishment. Of course, parents' attitudes, cognition and views should be consistent, so as to play the role of education, otherwise it may be counterproductive, affect the parent-child relationship and cause traumatic experiences for children.
This kind of experience will be triggered in the interpersonal relationship and work life of children as adults. Therefore, I suggest that parents who can't control their emotions, often punish their children and vent their anger can be self-aware. If you really can't control your emotions, then cultivate yourself before parenting, learn to grow up with your children and become a mature and complete person.
Finally, if you can't solve the problem by yourself, it may be because your trauma has not been solved and is now being copied to your children. At this time, you can also seek the help of professionals.