After he became a father, he was careless about his children and didn't know how to communicate with them. If you have a bad temper, you may also beat and scold your child.
Susan Forward mentioned in the book Origin of Family: How to Repair Your Personality Defects that in some families, parents plant love, respect and independence, while in others, parents plant fear, responsibility or guilt.
Childhood experience has a profound influence on people, which goes deep into manners, behavior patterns, ways of thinking, values and even smiles.
This is an important reason why many people "inherit" the mode of getting along with their parents after marriage, and even the trend of marriage completely replicates the result of their parents' marriage.
Although we can't choose our childhood, we can't choose our parents and avoid some injuries. But by studying hard, it is entirely possible for us to get rid of the shadow of childhood and achieve a new self.
1. Every parent has a child in his heart and has an "unhealed" childhood pain, so "parenting must come first".
Fashali, the author of "The Awakening of Parents"? Sabari is an Indian-American with a doctorate in clinical psychology from Columbia University.
She went to the United States from India at the age of 2 1 and began to practice Vipassana meditation handed down by the Buddha, which is a way to observe her physical and mental reality inward.
Vipassana meditation has brought great influence to her life. When she became a mother, she also applied this oriental wisdom to parenting, which helped her a lot.
Most of the parent-child problems she saw are, in the final analysis, because the parents' own childhood pains have not healed and they all have unmet needs.
Parents project this unsatisfied demand on their children when they are young, which leads to various parent-child conflicts and crises.
Therefore, what Dr. Sabari needs to do is to let parents "see" the unconscious emotions and behaviors caused by their childhood injuries first, bring these unconscious things to the level of consciousness, keep a clear head and connect with their true selves, so as to find ways to change, heal their childhood injuries, evolve themselves and become more complete.
The picture of your child is not your child.
Parents become complete and mature. Parents no longer pass on the painful patterns of childhood to their children, and no longer project their unsatisfied needs on their children. Children will naturally change accordingly, and the parent-child relationship will become closer.
Therefore, the first point of Dr. Sabari's revolutionary concept of parenting is that every parent has a child in his heart, and whether he has cured the childhood pain. Therefore, parents should first educate themselves, be good parents of their inner children, raise their inner children first, and heal their childhood pains first.
How to judge whether your inner child has been raised?
Dr. Sabari believes that most childhood injuries come from our early separation from our true selves. We feel that we are not good enough, so we put on a mask early and pretend to be ourselves, otherwise our parents will not love me. All this was done without parents' knowledge.
When we were young, we were taught to live with masks. If you are hurt, don't cry.
If you are afraid, you should hide your fear;
If you feel empty and lonely, smile;
If you feel helpless, pretend to be strong;
If you feel empty and lonely, smile;
If you feel helpless, pretend to be strong,
But when a person discovers the value of himself, he will start asking himself the following questions: "If I wear a mask and it is false, how can I really know that someone loves me?" How do I know if they love me or my disguise? "
The true self was left to bleed alone, and its needs were ignored. After the formation of false self, some people become clowns, some become flatterers, some rebel, and some shrink back.
Some people just click and present different faces, but this actually stems from our internal needs not being met: am I seen? Did I hear that? Am I valuable? Who am I? Am I good enough?
The picture of your child is not your child.
Therefore, the growth of parents is to discover their masks, see their true selves and heal their wounds. Only in this way can we not pass on our sense of low value and lack to our children, and let them see and accept their true self.
The success of parents' parenting is to educate children who are true to themselves, not in the secular sense.
2. Setting "high expectations" for children limits their development model.
Many parents set their children's activity goal as "entering a prestigious school" from the birth of their children. Many parents report their children to interest classes, not even according to their interests, but according to whether they can "add points to the college entrance examination".
I thought of a parent who cried on the spot after the results of the college entrance examination for fine arts majors came out. Because her daughter's professional examination results were not ideal, she missed out on a prestigious school.
At that time, she said to me, "It's no use getting those medals for those extracurricular activities she participated in. It is better to do nothing. " The mother denied all her children's achievements. My mother cried and said to me, "You don't know how important it is to be admitted to a prestigious school."
These parents don't realize that once the trajectory of education, emotion and career is set for their children, it will limit their development model.
So what expectations parents have for their children are "realistic"?
In the book The Awakening of Parents, Shafari Chabari wrote:
Don't expect children to achieve much, hope they study well;
Don't expect children to obey us, but hope they respect us;
Don't expect children to blindly follow us, I hope they ask for our advice;
Don't expect children to become big stars, I hope they master the art of keeping true;
Don't expect children to follow our vision, I hope they create their own blueprint;
Don't expect children to succeed, hope they have a meaningful life;
Don't expect children to find direction, I hope they find the meaning of life;
Don't expect children to be our puppets, I hope they will become our spiritual partners;
Don't expect children not to experience any pain, I hope they find ways to improve themselves;
Don't expect children not to encounter any failure, I hope they have the courage to start again;
Don't expect children to never hurt others. I hope they feel sympathy and ask for forgiveness.
If we want our children to get rid of our unrealistic ideas, we must first liberate ourselves.
We are a person first, and then our parents. So we should pursue spiritual expansion and learn a lot, which means we all have many emotional blind spots. We are not perfect, but we need to reconcile with ourselves and accept ourselves wholeheartedly.
3. Parents' "Awakening"-What is the real "living in the present with children"?
Many people mistakenly believe that in the process of parenting, cooking, doing housework, picking up and dropping off children and other specific parenting responsibilities are equivalent to living with children in the present. Maybe we can meet children's material, physical and spiritual needs, but that doesn't mean we can meet their emotional and spiritual needs.
Whether children are 6 years old or 16 years old, they are eager to establish meaningful contact with their parents.
If the relationship between parents and children shows a kind of control, judgment, blame, lesson and pressure, children will turn a deaf ear to their parents' words.
However, if the relationship between parents and children is full of autonomy, encouragement, intimacy, trust and emotional freedom, how can children refuse to accept their parents?
When we are closely connected with our children with consciousness, we can send out open invitations and let them accept them naturally, so that we can freely publicize our true selves without being criticized by us.
The key point is to send such a signal: "I am by your side and will always witness for you."
If we want our children to grow up healthily emotionally, all we have to do is stay with them all the time.
Some parents may think that this means that we should never leave our children.
On the contrary, an awakened parent may be busy, and children should respect this.
But when we are not busy, can we take the initiative to get closer to our children?
If we do this, the children will realize: "I am a valuable person because my parents turned off the phone for me and stopped working to accompany me."
In order to meet the needs of children, we need to have some special skills. This means that we must listen to children, really understand the meaning of their words, and don't interfere, correct or lecture them.
We must observe their bodies, including their posture, mood and energy. Only in this way can we clearly perceive the real existence of ourselves and our children.
How can I see my true self?
Dr. Sabari pointed out: Our children are the soul teachers in the process of our cognition and awakening, and our children show us their true selves.
Besides, children contribute more to our growth than we do to theirs.
Stills of our day
Because there are many conflicts and pains in the parent-child relationship, it is precisely the child screaming to remind us to reflect and remind us whether this has touched the pain of our childhood. They illuminate our problems and let us see them.
When we get along with children, we should live together in the present. When children talk to us, we should try our best to listen-not only with our heads, but also with our hearts. Even if we disagree with their views, we should respect them and always keep an open attitude.
A good parent-child relationship is not an up-and-down relationship, not an authoritarian relationship, but a circular interaction. Children guide us, we guide children, children guide us. So this is a heart-to-heart communication without authority and control.