In fact, some personality factors (especially "impulsiveness") can easily lead to children's problem behavior. Impulsive people seldom consider the consequences of their actions and make quick decisions. So they need to keep exercising in different consequences before they finally learn to control their emotions.
To understand Steve's behavior, there are other factors to consider, one of which is that mom is in a hurry. In mom's opinion, Steve has the upper hand, because she has to go out whether Steve listens or not. This made her feel overwhelmed and unable to control the situation.
Then, in the face of a child who always contradicts what you say, how can he become confident and calm?
The answer is that you need to know what results you want, understand why children react like this, and prepare for all possible results so as not to be caught off guard by children.
Reasonably guiding children and stubbornness can also bring success.
Example 1
ROCHE MAZET is a 20-year-old * * * who comes for psychological counseling from time to time. She said that her husband was arrogant, often abused and suppressed her and bossed her around. When her husband's friends came home to play, she had to wait on them and put up with their rudeness. After they finished eating and drinking, she had to clean up the mess at home. Moreover, Roche Maser's boss bullied her, made her work overtime regularly, deducted overtime pay and assigned some jobs that were not her at all. The counselor helped ROCHE MAZET realize that she didn't have to do what others said. She is an independent person who can act according to her own wishes and control others.
On several occasions, Roche Maser's mother was also present. When Roach Mazer told some of her experiences, her mother said, "She has a stubborn temper. We used to beat her before she obeyed. Why is she not so stubborn in front of others as she is in front of us? " One day, during the consultation, Roach Mazer whispered to his mother, "Mom, have you beaten all my stubbornness?"
Example 2
Joe, 32 years old, divorced and unemployed. I've been married twice, and my wife first proposed every divorce, saying that I can't get along with him anymore. Joe has a 6-year-old son, but he seldom contacts him because his ex-wife took him to court and demanded an increase in child support. Joe was so angry that he didn't want anything to do with them anymore.
Joe has few friends. He often quarrels with people around him. When he can't "do whatever he wants", he will have conflicts with others. He is always beaten black and blue. Joe has never stayed in a job for more than a year. In his own words, he said, "If the boss starts bossing me around, I will be rude to him and leave." Joe also admitted that he had been fired many times.
Joe seldom keeps in touch with his family. Because of some contradictions, his own brother broke up with him. Joe himself has no contact with his parents. He said, "I can't stand them bossing me around and trying to dominate my life since I was a child."
Example 3
Dennis is a 35-year-old businessman. He founded a small but prosperous New Year card production company. Five years ago, Dennis thought that even the large-scale New Year card production companies did not aim at the professional market, nor did they make New Year cards to meet the specific needs of doctors, lawyers, teachers and other professionals. When I first started my business, Dennis's relatives and friends were not optimistic. But unexpectedly, after hard and unremitting efforts, he succeeded. Although he is not rich, his career is progressing smoothly. He is proud that his wish has come true.
Dennis is also respected in his community. Two years ago, he found that the water source in the town was polluted by harmful chemicals discharged by a local pharmaceutical factory. Although no one responded to his complaint at first, he didn't give up. He continued to contact community organizations, environmental groups and the media, and the pharmaceutical company finally improved the filtration system. Now the water supply in the town is very safe.
Dennis is the father of two children. His wife greatly appreciates his tenacity and courage. She said of Dennis: "We have known each other since childhood. He just has that kind of energy. Once you decide what to do, no one can stop you. If things don't go well, he will be as sad as others. " She said that although he is stubborn, he is warm, kind and compassionate.
What do these three people have in common? It is obvious that they have been stubborn people since childhood. However, with the growth of age, this stubborn trend develops in different directions: Roche Mazer's tenacity and stubbornness have long since faded; Joe's rebellion continued into adulthood, which made him unable to have a stable life; For Dennis, this stubbornness is his wealth, and he can make good use of it to achieve personal success and win people's respect.
Why are the same stubborn people so different when they grow up? One of the most important reasons is that their stubbornness has changed in different ways during their growth.
Roche Maser's stubbornness was suppressed without a trace, which made her feel that it was not worth fighting for or trying to change anything.
However, Joe's stubbornness lasted until he became an adult, which led to his lack of correct judgment and always went his own way, thus bringing harm to his work and life.
Dennis seems to be another kind of stubbornness-strong will and perseverance. When it matters, he can stick to himself; When it doesn't matter, he can avoid going his own way with his keen judgment. So he is tenacious, kind and gentle.
As parents, how can we guide children's character development?
"Stubbornness" may be a kind of forward wealth for a person. However, if you can't make a reasonable judgment, then "stubbornness" will become willful and will only harm others.
As parents, we certainly don't want our children to become as weak as Roach Maser, and we don't want them to grow up as stubborn and lonely as Joe. We can only hope that children can keep their willpower and perseverance like Dennis and make full use of this stubbornness through correct judgment. So what should we do? The key is that parents should have reasonable expectations for their children.
What is reasonable expectation?
Mike took his 8-year-old son to the counseling center for treatment. He said that his son, little Mike, didn't listen to him at all. In fact, my father is very angry with little Mike. He said, "When my son said to me,' No, I don't want it' and' Don't push me', I really wanted to beat him up."
In the treatment stage, Mike admitted that he couldn't stand his son's resistance and thought it was a blatant provocation to his authority. He thought it was wrong for little Mike to question what his father said when he was only 8 years old. Mike thinks, "My son must listen to me because I have the final say. I never contradict my father, otherwise I will be beaten. I think I am too soft-hearted, otherwise he wouldn't dare to do this to me. "
This example is very common. It reflects two common misunderstandings: First, parents blindly believe that children must obey themselves; Second, parents regard their children's rebellion as a challenge to their parents' authority.
If you choose from Roche Mazer, Joe and Dennis, most parents will choose Dennis as their child's role model. On the one hand, parents expect their children to blindly accept everything they say; On the other hand, they also hope that children can spontaneously cultivate some excellent qualities and have the same strong will as adults. However, the two are contradictory in themselves. If a child blindly accepts everything his parents say, he will never be an independent thinker and persevering person. The indomitable spirit and autocratic character begin from the early days of life. If they are suppressed, they will not develop.
How to cultivate reasonable expectations?
We all hope that our children will grow into healthy, happy, adaptable and determined people; I hope they can learn to think about their future and make wise decisions. But we must realize that achieving these goals should start from the moment the child is born. Children's happiness, adaptability and willpower are closely related to our educational methods.
If you refute and reprimand every time a child expresses his ideas, the child will not be happy when he grows up, but will only feel bad and lack self-confidence, and will grow up to be like Roche Mazer. But this is not to persuade you to indulge your child's behavior. If a child sticks to his own opinion and doesn't study hard, he is likely to become like Joe.
So, how to deal with this degree and help children grow up like Dennis?
The trick is to pay attention to children's behavior, not attitude. In other words, don't expect your children to blindly follow your "centralized guidance". Although this will make your life easier, it is likely to make your child grow into a negative and indecisive person. You should allow and even welcome children to question your demands or orders, and should not regard this as a challenge to the authority of parents.
You know, children can't tell when they can do whatever they want and when they can't. If you want your child to be confident and strong, you must cultivate it from an early age. You can't silence a child, and you can't punish him for raising objections because he has resistance.
You know, a child's behavior is far more important than his words. If he just seems unwilling, but still chooses the right way, then don't scold him or punish him. If he resolutely disobeys the rules, then you should make good use of the consequences of this practice to educate your child, let him learn from it, and educate his child to make the right choice when encountering similar things in the future.
Remember, the purpose of making rules with children is not to curb their nature, nor to dampen their confidence, but to encourage them to do the right thing, and at the same time let them know the difference between "going their own way" and "taking advantage of the situation". You should also understand that you should let the children decide for themselves whether to abide by the rules set between you. In this way, children gradually learn to control their behavior and emotions; After all, you want your children to obey the rules because they are sensible, not because they are afraid of punishment.