National registered second-level psychological counselor

Sand table coach

Tuka analyst

Family education instructor

Lecturer in empirical subjects

Teachers in their thirties

Director of Railway Dida Kindergarten

First of all, why did you divorce?

1. Different values

Among all kinds of counseling, marriage counseling is the most difficult. No two people in this world are the same, so no two people have absolutely the same view on anything. It is impossible to put two adults who have the right to decide their own lives together and ask them to agree on everything for decades. What's more, both of them think that the way to be consistent is to ask the other party to accommodate themselves. Subconsciously, each of us wants the other person to satisfy and accommodate himself like his parents.

If two people think that such beliefs, values and rules are more important than their relationship, there will be a quarrel. Once there are too many quarrels and disagreements, you need the emotional support of the other party. If they can't get it, marriage will turn red, followed by separation and even divorce.

2. Your partner's childhood trauma reappears.

We walked like a cup, leaving many marks on our bodies. The smaller the injury, the greater the impact on us. When we enter marriage, we hope that the other person is the perfect parent that we yearn for but can't get, and we will look "creative" if we tolerate and pamper us. At this time, if the other person's heart is not strong enough, or there are many old injuries in childhood, and you can't accept your negative emotions, both sides are more likely to collapse.

3. Husband-wife relationship is the reappearance of parent-child relationship in the past.

There is a concave-convex phenomenon in our psychology, and the mode of our interaction with our parents can easily be copied to the relationship between husband and wife.

If parents control us, it is easy for us to think that the other party will treat us the same way, and then prepare for resistance in advance. In fact, that may not be what your partner really thinks, but what you think. Misunderstandings often occur, and we are often disappointed in our partners, that is, in our marriage.

Therefore, it depends on the relationship with your partner in the future, depending on the parent-child relationship between you and your partner in family of origin.

Second, what should I do if my relationship breaks down?

Everyone has the right and responsibility to choose his own life. Marriage is a matter for two people. Everything that happens in marriage is the responsibility of two people. If they don't do it, or need to do it but don't do it, they all bear the same responsibility. For parents whose marriage is red, the following attitudes are suggested:

1, reconsider your marriage.

For a family whose marriage has problems but has not yet broken down, it is a great fate to marry someone by borrowing the meaning of Buddhist scriptures. Cross the boat for ten years and sleep together for a hundred years. Another person didn't come into life for no reason. We should discuss in depth whether we have fully realized the positive significance brought by this fate. I suggest you go to Li See Zhongying's Comprehensive Skills of Intimacy, which will benefit you a lot. If you feel trapped in a bad marriage, you can also consult a wise friend or psychological counselor to examine your marriage relationship from multiple angles. Perhaps, the opposite emotion has its own reasons and is not suitable for you. The partner who hurts you in your mind may just be a projection of your inner parents. By dealing with these impressions, you can also get a kind of growth.

2. Communicate more and check more.

Both sides should communicate as fully and successfully as possible, clarify their respective beliefs, values and rules, and fully understand the reasons and reasons for separation before making a decision.

Single or single parents can have a happy life, but for children, separation and divorce will inevitably bring harm, so parents should think twice.

You stick to certain beliefs, values and rules, and then break up with someone. The same situation may happen again in the future. If you can't swim, you can change the swimming pool.

Know that your own set of beliefs and values may be right or wrong. Of course, this can only be decided by yourself, but there is only one criterion to measure right and wrong: can the one you insist on really bring you a successful and happy life? If not, will there be a greater chance to modify some of them?

3. Don't avoid or retaliate

Emotional excitement can be temporarily separated and kept at a suitable distance, but it needs to be made clear. No one disappeared, no revenge.

In this process, strive to become a flexible part of the system. Couples who can handle emotions calmly are generally mature. Both sides try not to do anything they decide in their emotions and regret later.

If we really can't reach a consensus, separation is also a wise choice.

I used to advocate forbearance and try my best to maintain my marriage. But the two sides quarreled, which affected their mood and work, and the most serious thing was to affect their children.

Bad relationship between parents, quarreling in front of children, has many negative effects on children. This kind of child is insecure, and it is easy to imitate the violent behavior of his parents, blaming himself for the disagreement between his parents and thinking that he is a bad boy. Generally, such children are not only unwilling to study, but also may affect interpersonal relationships and future marriage relationships.

Even if they don't quarrel, children living in low pressure will be affected physically and mentally. Children are very sensitive. You think it's well hidden, but in fact, all children know it.

Third, how do divorced families educate their children?

For parents who have separated and divorced, we hope to have some practices to minimize the harm to their children.

1. Recognize the love of children and their initial partners.

This relationship should not change because of separation. In children's minds, parents are absolutely irreplaceable, and there is also a perfect triangular relationship between parents and children. In children's minds, it is immutable and inviolable. Parents with marital problems must understand this. Simply saying that the relationship between husband and wife has changed does not mean that the relationship between parents and children has changed. They are two completely different things.

Therefore, children cannot be prevented from interacting with each other. It is necessary to understand that the other party will always be their parents, and more people will love their children in communication.

Keep the problem within the scope of husband and wife. When facing children, the roles of parents should be consistent and harmonious. Things between husband and wife have nothing to do with maintaining the relationship between children. Tell the child that even if the parents are not in harmony, they will always love and take care of him.

We should try to avoid telling our children that another parent is wrong. Every time we accuse each other, it will cause great contradictions and shocks in the hearts of children. If you have to say it, every negative should at least say the advantages of the other side at the same time.

Be honest with each other

Don't hide the facts and cheat the children. You should talk frankly with your children, including your personal inner feelings and the progress of things. You should try to be honest with your children and keep their trust in you.

Assure the child that the problems between parents are not his fault, nor is it his responsibility to repair them. Don't teach children to hide from each other or deliberately spread rumors about things between two adults. Shame on each other and bring trauma to children, because each other is a part of the children. If you deny his parents, you are denying the child, and the child will be very sad. Don't complain to your child, let him bear the psychological burden he shouldn't bear, feel guilty all his life, and live unhappy.

keep in touch

Regardless of marital status, both parties should care about and participate in children's lives. Separation and divorce do great harm to children, but if children can keep regular good contact with their parents, they can avoid some problems and reduce the harm to children. A consistent attitude can better educate children, prevent them from making ends meet and profit from it.

Step 4 arrange your own life

Don't pass on the anxiety of life to children. Divorce does not necessarily mean that life is worse than in the past, and a person's life is not necessarily worse than in the past. What is difficult is our mentality, not necessarily the fact itself. So, don't find it difficult to live alone. If you are frightened, it is difficult to give your child a stable sense of security.

Only by living a good life can children develop themselves confidently. Children don't necessarily have high material needs, but they must have a parent with strong internal energy.

5. Don't objectify children

Don't treat children as a weight to punish disgusting opponents, don't treat children as weapons to hurt each other, and don't treat children as a burden.

Children love to come. If you have emotions every time you see a child, that's your own problem. This requires self-examination and a correct view of this marriage. There are often emotions, maybe you have some old psychological injury triggers, so it is recommended to find a consultant to deal with them.

6. How to educate remarried families?

Parents who remarry should not force their children to call their partners father or mother. Allow children and stepmother to remain independent. If you are worried about being accused of being bad for your stepmother, it is not conducive to your child's education and unfair to your stepmother.

Some parents will worry that the other party doesn't love or like their children, so they will teach their children to please (be sensible) and the children will be particularly tired; Teach children to protect their rights and interests, and children will become bullies.

Step-parents teach children to respect each other and give them opportunities to express their feelings. When a child spits, it can give the child a chance to grow up by using the position perception method and empathy.

Fourth, give some advice to parents in marriage.

1. Husband-wife relationship is the reappearance of parent-child relationship in the past. Emotions are messengers, problems are our own, and partners are here to help us heal.

2. List the things that both husband and wife are willing to do, and do two things every week to add points to the emotional bank.

3. Giving children space and time is also giving themselves and their partners space and time. The inseparable parent-child relationship hurts intimacy and hurts children.

4. Tell the old people at home that those things are unacceptable to them and keep boundaries.

5. Take more classes, improve your ability and keep growing.

6. Sometimes a person goes out for air and likes himself.

7. Exercise, singing, massage and other decompression methods, do not convey emotions.