Coordinates |? Dongguan, Guangdong

1? Her husband's angry complaints

It is still hard to forget that day-April 20, 2020.

This morning, my husband sent more than a dozen messages through WeChat, complaining angrily about my mistakes.

First of all, his temper with his daughter became more and more unbearable.

My daughter is very delicate. She always loses her temper and cries. Her family can't stand her now. He regretted taking her with him to educate himself. (I usually focus on education)

Second, he questioned the effect of my family education course. Although I have changed a little after studying, some things are worse.

Third, he totally denied my devotion to my family. He thinks that if my daughter has a better personality and can be independent, I don't need to do so many futile things at all.

He thinks my daughter and I are a disaster. He hates his daughter more and more. He thinks that after marrying me and having children, his life will become extremely bad and dark!

Husband is angry for various reasons.

During that time, my father-in-law was helping to take care of my daughter. During that time, my daughter always cried because of some small things, and my father-in-law often yelled at her.

I told my father-in-law that I could guide my daughter in another way.

Maybe my tone is not very good, so my father-in-law went to talk to my husband and asked him, "I can't beat your daughter?" Can't swear? "

Father-in-law and husband can't stand children crying. When a child cries, he feels something is wrong and wants to stop it.

Usually, my husband doesn't drink, gamble, have no nightlife, rarely buy clothes and pants, and doesn't pursue high-tech products. He usually wants to talk to me about daily life and take his daughter out to play on weekends.

But the ideal is full and the reality is skinny. Because of the lack of personality and security, her daughter often cries easily, which is completely different from what he imagined.

Finally, after hearing my father-in-law's complaint, he broke out!

When it broke out, he finally threw out this sentence:

"I don't want one day, I also become like some people around me, spending the time I could have spent with you in other places.

I don't want to gamble online either, and I dream of making money to relieve the depression in my life.

But now, these situations at home make me more and more uncertain. You must be mentally prepared! "

My heart ached and I was on pins and needles.

I have nowhere to tell my grievances. My mind is full of pictures of my husband going out and indulging in gambling. Finally, we divorced and the children were homeless.

I didn't want to work, so I found some partners in the elite class to help me that morning.

2? Find the root cause and aim at it.

The partner began to help me analyze the needs behind the husband's outbreak and the room for improvement in children's education.

First, love children too much, there is no principle and no bottom line.

Second, I put the parent-child relationship above the husband-wife relationship, ignoring and neglecting my husband's needs.

Third, I usually only pay attention to my daughter's emotions and channel them, but I don't pay attention to the emotions of other people in my family and channel them, so that their uncomfortable emotions will accumulate and eventually break out.

Fourth, in the process of educating children, I was too arranged to do it in the way I think is right. I didn't realize that educating children is the common responsibility of husband and wife, and I didn't give my husband enough opportunities to participate in educating children, so when the children have problems, my husband will feel that it's all your fault.

When you give me direction and strength, I know that I am the root of the problem. If you want to change the status quo, you must change yourself

I decided to start practicing from several aspects.

First of all, put the relationship between husband and wife first and stop focusing on children.

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Secondly, in addition to the children's 34 1 affirmation, we must also affirm other family members.

Thirdly, I used the acceptance method from 0 to 100 to see my daughter's progress, and I also shared this method with my family.

Also, we should set rules for children, have our own principles, and learn to guide children to express their emotions, not emotional expressions.

Of course, it is also important to give husbands the opportunity to participate in children's education, respect and negotiate the methods of educating children, and both parties undertake the obligation of educating children.

In fact, when I started studying, I knew that not only my daughter needs to see and affirm, but also my husband and father-in-law need it.

Their sensitivity and anger to crying actually stems from their inner insecurity and is triggered by their daughter's crying.

But before my husband broke out, I felt that my energy was limited and it was good to take care of my children, so I didn't really put it into practice.

Unexpectedly, my father-in-law was unhappy and my husband broke out, and my efforts to maintain the environment in which my daughter grew up fell short.

We are a family, and all love must flow among family members, so it is possible to create a truly loving, visible and warm atmosphere for children.

I think if I don't practice this time, the result may really be as my husband said at last.

For my husband, in my life, I began to consciously change the order of family relations; I no longer turn a blind eye to my husband's needs and negative emotions.

When my husband accused me again, I stopped trying to avoid communication, but expressed my feelings truthfully, and finally expressed my needs: "I hope that when I encounter something in the future, I will not blame it at the beginning, but we will work together to find out where we can improve."

For the sake of children, I began to regain the bottom line, no longer responsive, bottomless doting, for the wrong things, even if she cried for a long time, I will never compromise.

Once, the child didn't express what he really wanted, and wanted me to guess. I didn't guess as before. The child cried for three days in a row.

She cried for 40 minutes two days ago and 20 minutes on the last day.

And I will be there quietly, letting her release her emotions through crying.

At the same time, I began to treat all my relatives with the acceptance method of 0 to 100, and began to practice the affirmation method of 34 1 on each of them.

3? Look, let love flow.

Once my daughter took a dance class, my husband and I went to work, and my father-in-law sent her there.

The class is about to start, and my daughter just woke up. My father-in-law saw that his daughter had no time to change clothes, so he helped her put on a dance costume.

But I didn't wear pantyhose first (my father-in-law didn't wear them before), my daughter didn't express it, and my father-in-law couldn't understand what her daughter meant, so they went to war again.

After hearing this, I didn't directly tell my father-in-law what to do as before, but first went to see the motive behind my father-in-law: "You are very responsible and want to help your child get dressed for class as soon as possible."

Seeing my father-in-law's motivation, his state immediately relaxed: "I really don't have enough patience to figure out what she means."

I immediately said, "children will always go out of society and meet all kinds of people in the future." Everyone can't be as willing to change for her as you are. She needs to learn to actively express her feelings and needs. "

After reaching an agreement with my father-in-law, I made a suggestion: "I have several experiences about her." If she doesn't talk and just wants to cry, let her cry freely enough. " Usually when she actively expresses, we give more positive feedback, which makes her more and more confident in expression. "

Finally, after more than a month of practice, the child's mood is more stable day by day, and the number of crying is much less.

Occasionally crying, children can quickly get out of uncomfortable emotions, and sometimes even count down to 15 seconds according to my teaching method to take a deep breath to calm themselves down.

Both husband and father-in-law can see the change of their daughter. Husband doesn't hate his daughter as much as before, and their parent-child relationship is slowly changing.

My daughter's mood has gradually stabilized and the family atmosphere has changed a lot.

My daughter cries occasionally, and my husband and father-in-law are still easily taken away by her daughter's emotions.

While guiding my daughter to express uncomfortable feelings, when I found my husband and father-in-law open-minded, I told them: guiding my daughter to affirm a process, we need to see her progress, and then slowly guide her where she needs to change and improve.

My tone is sincere and respectful, and my husband and father-in-law express their approval and approval.

When I focused on my own changes, I found that my husband was no longer complaining like before, but taking care of my feelings, and he became more and more expressive.

In the past, my husband seldom expressed his gratitude and never confessed to me, but recently he has confessed his love to me many times.

My daughter went to her grandparents' house in the summer vacation and performed a singing performance at the wedding of her grandparents' neighbors.

Five-year-old children, singing unfamiliar songs on the stage of more than 300 people, surprised us. My husband specially said to me, "Thank you for giving birth to such a good daughter."

At the end of August, on my husband's birthday, we climbed the highest mountain in Shenzhen together and encouraged each other along the way, which made him have an unforgettable birthday.

My husband said, thank you for being so tired and painful and willing to accompany him, and said that he loves me!

Recently, my husband was busy with the purchase of furniture and household appliances at home, so I took the initiative to undertake this work: shop around, bargain, buy, install and accept.

My husband sees it in his eyes and hurts in his heart. Instead of denying my efforts as before, he thanked me for my efforts without stint.

Our relationship is getting closer and closer, and the relationship between husband and wife is getting better and better.

When the daughter is emotionally stable, the husband sees more of what she has done well.

In the face of his daughter's occasional crying, he is no longer as angry as before, but tries to transform her uncomfortable emotions.

4? The daughter is finally a "two-parent family"

My husband just transferred here, and his work is very busy.

At the beginning of August, I sent my daughter back to my hometown. I was going to send her back myself, and the high-speed rail tickets were all bought.

As a result, the husband said that he could not bear his daughter. Finally, he drove us back and stayed with his daughter in his hometown for a week.

My daughter is in my hometown, and my husband watches her photos and videos every day.

He didn't express his thoughts directly to his daughter. Every time I video with my daughter, my daughter doesn't want to talk to her husband. He is very sad and distressed.

Finally, I encouraged him to speak his mind about his daughter directly. After the daughter received her father's confession, she interacted with her father every day and was very happy.

Now, my husband takes the only day off every weekend to go out with his daughter, and the whole family is very happy.

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Now, my husband and I are getting better and better No blame, more tolerance and advice.

My husband is too busy at work. Except Sunday, he usually works late and has no time to play with his daughter.

As a result, he is too satisfied with his children materially.

I first affirmed his guilty mood, then affirmed his motivation to spend more time with his daughter, and affirmed that he was willing to pay time or money for her.

Finally, I suggested that the material reward should be appropriate and not excessive, and he accepted it gladly.

In the past, we took each other's efforts for the family for granted. Now, we see each other's intentions and efforts and express our affirmation in time.

In education, the most terrible thing is that children obviously live with their parents, but have no spiritual connection with one of them, and suddenly become "spiritual orphans" with their parents alive.

Secondly, the terrible thing is that children have parents, but only one of them is connected and lives as a "single parent".

I am glad that when I warmed my husband's heart with love and sight, and saw the hard work and efforts of my parents-in-law to help us take care of our children, my daughter finally became a happy child with good feelings with her parents.

Four months ago, my husband complained to me angrily; Four months later, my husband and I fell in love, and the family relationship rose to the stage of loving each other.

In the past, my husband's out-of-control complaints would break my heart and run away.

Now, I have a direction, a method and a group of partners with the same goal to accompany me. I turned a "disaster" that almost destroyed my family into a happy opportunity to nourish my family.

The greatest happiness is that my beloved family also loves me deeply; The love between family members is warm and smooth.

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