Almost everyone of us has said this sentence. However, when we say this sentence over and over again, are we persuading our children or ourselves?

Behavior is produced to meet certain needs. What needs are these behaviors meeting?

In family education, I divide the needs into three types: children's needs, parents' needs and children's growth needs.

The first two kinds of needs are personal inner feelings, while the needs of children's growth are the rational results after objective and calm analysis.

When these three needs can be agreed, good cooperation between children and parents can finally achieve results. When the needs of parents are consistent with the needs of children's growth, parents are more likely to adhere to educational strategies.

However, in real life, the needs of children's growth are often misunderstood or ignored. Either parents meet their children's needs, or parents leave their children behind in order to meet their own needs, regardless of their feelings.

This is what happened to three-year-old edamame.

When he plays alone, his mother will ask him, "Can I go now?" Asked three times, edamame answered "need".

Mother stayed contentedly.

In this scene, the focus of the child's needs is that he can play by himself. Children over three years old can meet their independent needs through "independent games", and at this time, the mother's demand is that "children need her."

Therefore, the mother's constant questioning not only disturbed the child's independent time, but also ignored the child's independent needs, but satisfied herself.

Of course, many children like many toys, but judging from their growth needs, the chaotic environment will not satisfy his sense of order in the sensitive period, and it is also not conducive to the cultivation of his attention and concentration.

We are eager to be needed by children. We are afraid that our children will no longer want to be with us after independence. We are afraid that children will no longer stick to themselves and snuggle in our arms, so we use various ways to prevent children from being "independent".

Decisions based on this inner need are selfish, and they put their own needs first.

I once met a mother who really wanted her children to advanced placement. At that time, her children were in the third grade, and although their grades were excellent, they were not advanced placement. However, her mother still asked the school to agree to her request.

After talking to my mother, I found that she was in a bad situation at work, so she longed to restore her dignity in front of her colleagues through the Excellence of her children.

This case is a representative of many similar stories, such as letting children learn things they liked when they were young, but they didn't have the opportunity to do them. For example, letting children attend classes because they couldn't stand the pressure of friends. I don't object to children learning things, but I object to learning things for the needs of parents.

In an activity, two fourth-grade children had a conflict, and I was guiding them to solve it in an appropriate way.

Suddenly, the mother of one of the children came and took her child away. Because she saw her children at the bottom of the conflict, as a mother, she felt extremely uncomfortable. She couldn't see her children being bullied, so her behavior met her needs.

But children will think that they are deserters and will be looked down upon by other children; The need for children to grow up should be to improve their ability to solve problems in conflicts.

For ten-year-old children in grade four, it is a stage with strong social consciousness. It is more important for them to learn how to get along with their peers than to escape.

If judging children's growing needs is the result of rational thinking, then feeling and observing children's inner needs is the result of emotion and sensibility.

Between the game of sensibility and rationality, how would you choose?

As an educator, one of my most important tasks is to help the parents of these families to look at themselves beyond their parents' identity, get rid of their strong emotions, and objectively and calmly look at the growth and growth needs of another life.

Not only parents, but also the highest realm of every educator. First of all, we need to enter the children's emotions, the parents' emotions, then we need to separate them, and finally we need to use more pure feelings to carry out the results of rational thinking.

I often say "love", that's all. This "hard" is hard on yourself, and this "love" is great love for children.

Love needs to let go of yourself.