Before talking about rules and love, let's talk about "parental view".
The first is "no possession". Children are not parents' accessories, but independent individuals. We love children in order to let them leave us better and faster-that is, independence.
What is independence?
Eating and dressing alone? Thinking alone? Traveling alone?
The core independent ability is that children can be responsible for their own actions.
The second is "reflection". Reflect on what?
1, correct attitude, parenting first.
2. Organize your own family.
Dr. Wang Tao recommended three books: Parenting from the Inside Out, Embracing Imperfectness, and Origin and Fate.
Before I knew the concept of family background, when I was a child, I often looked for how my parents' genes appeared in my brother and me, facial features, figure, personality characteristics and so on. Although I 19 left home to study and work for many years, and the time spent with my parents is getting less and less every year, I am surprised to find that I always see my parents' appearance in the mirror at a certain moment and in a small matter, and some of them are just the kind I don't like. These are all learned unconsciously. It is an important prerequisite for us to get to know our parents again and learn to get along with them.
Dr. Wang Tao quoted Diana Baumrind's theory of parenting style, and divided it into four types from two dimensions: strict, strict, indulgent and neglected.
Which is the best? Strict type!
Parents trained by traditional Confucianism are mostly strict. A high proportion of people in China's social situation are neglected, that is, left-behind children, which means not only that parents in poor and remote areas have to go out to work to make a living, but also that parents are busy with work in cities, and their main caregivers are grandparents and even nanny's children.
Go back and see what the strict type is like, the principle of high satisfaction-love and rules!
How to love children?
Adequate sleep, careful feeding and high-quality interaction are the three elements to promote children's brain development.
Why do we have to make rules and make rules?
This is for freedom. True freedom is not doing what you want, but not wanting to do it and having the ability to choose not to do it.
Who will make the rules?
Dr. Wang Tao believes that paternal love is authoritative and powerful, while maternal love is wordy and emotional. This will be very obvious when children reach puberty. Similarly, we can see whether the family is a loving mother in strict father or a strict mother and a loving father. Either way, when the child grows up, the father is not a "money-making machine", but a father who can communicate and trust.
How to make rules?
This is also one of the reasons that attracted me to attend the lecture-can you hit children?
Dr. Wang Tao gave a clear answer: Yes!
"Beating children" is the premise. You're not ready. Please don't hit the child casually!
1, reasonable demands, clear results, gentleness and firmness.
2. You can't be angry when you hit a child: you can't fight if you want to; I have to call when I don't want to.
You can't hit the child directly with your hand, you should use a stick. What is a staff? Can be understood as "family law", a ruler, usually hanging high in the place where children can see and can't get it, has its deterrent effect. Parents must be filled with anger when they have to hit their children. They turned to get sticks and gave themselves time to calm down and think about how to communicate with their children. To fear the rules, parents are only the executors of the rules, not the makers.
4. Language communication is needed before hitting children. Make it clear that mom/dad loves you, but the rules can't be broken. Mom/dad has the responsibility to carry out this rule. After the fight, you should appease the child in time and make it clear again that it can't be like this.
Finally, it is summed up by a sentence from Dr. Wang Tao: Love is enduring patience, understanding and acceptance.
Parents' beloved son has a far-reaching influence.
We will eventually grow old, bring some beauty to the world, and leave some beauty behind, which is enough.