Try to let the children solve their own problems.
"Do your own thing" is the mantra of most parents when educating their children. However, it is easier said than done. How many parents can resist the urge to reach out and insist on letting their children finish these things by themselves when they see that their children are covered with rice, their clothes are buckled wrong, or their toys can't be brought back?
Slowly, parents' hands are getting longer and longer. What kind of friends children make, how to get along with their partners, what to learn and what to do in the future, parents should take the helm at every step. They hover over the children like helicopters, always monitoring their every move, ready to bend over to clear obstacles and deal with problems for the children, so as to prevent them from making mistakes and taking more detours.
As everyone knows, they can do things for their children, but they can't grow up for them. The more they want to fill their children's future, the less they can achieve the perfection they demand. However, this is not a child's problem. Sun Yunxiao, deputy director of China Youth Research Center, said that children grow up watching their parents' backs. Educating children begins with changing themselves. "Parents study hard and children make progress every day. This is the essence of family education. "
Parents should not deprive their children of the opportunity to find out.
When Mr. Yang was a visiting scholar in Germany, he took his five-year-old son to the seaside to play. Next to them is a German mother, leaning back on the couch and reading a book, but her child grabbed a handful of sand and stuffed it into her mouth.
Mr. Yang is in a hurry. He went up to remind the German mother: "Your child is going to eat sand." However, my mother was at a loss. "So what?" She said that after he tasted it, he knew that the sand was not delicious, so he naturally stopped eating it.
Mr. Yang was startled. If this were China, most parents would stop their children.
Parents tell their children that sand can't be eaten, or that children find it difficult to swallow in their mouths. The conclusion is the same, but the way to reach this conclusion is different. The former is the indirect experience provided by children after their parents' judgment; In the latter case, the child is a direct experience after personal experience.
"The difference lies in the experience." Sun Yunxiao said, recalling those things that left a deep impression on us, you will find that they are basically your own personal experience. Sometimes, children can learn more from what adults think is easy and have a far-reaching impact on them.
In Sun Yunxiao's view, the process of children's growth is a socialization process. One of the remarkable features of this process is practicality. They can understand a lot of truth through personal experience, and parents should provide their children with as many opportunities to experience as possible.
A 3-year-old boy wiped the table and washed the rag. He observed that "the rag was whiter than before" and "the water turned black". The relationship between the two is obvious to adults, but children understand the changes of things through personal practice. If parents tell their children "don't grab the rag" and "don't wash your hands when the water is dark", then he can't realize the connection between them in practice.
Sun Yunxiao believes that children's growth is irreplaceable, and parents are often too eager to help them, or it is right to ask them to do something. But it is also the case that parents deprive their children of the opportunity to discover, stifle their interest in learning and dampen their initiative to solve problems.
"Parents should learn to let their children grow up." Sun Yunxiao said that children with strong living ability are confident and attractive when they grow up.
Children grow up in group communication.
Sun Yunxiao once conducted a survey and found that 80% of the only children in cities have different degrees of aggressive needs. "This kind of aggressive demand is not necessarily violent, such as hitting people and swearing, but when they interact with their peers, they often ignore other people's feelings, speak rudely and hurt people, and he doesn't realize it because there is no one else in his heart."
Another feature of children's socialization process is group. In other words, children grow up in group communication, and even the best parents can't replace their partners.
However, for the only child, this is a difficult problem.
Ms. Zhao's daughter is 7 years old this year. In addition to doing her homework, she plays electronic products every day after school, either cutting fruit or playing "Plants vs Zombies". Finally, at the weekend, Ms. Zhao made an appointment with her friends to take her children out to play, but the two children had a big fight and went home crying.
Things are simple, too. When two children were fighting for toys, the boy from a friend's house pushed the little girl and hit her on the back of the head. Zhao Nvshi is very distressed by a blue bag. My friend was guilty and raised his hand and slapped his son. The two children cried so badly that they had to leave.
After this unpleasant time, Zhao Nvshi was embarrassed to invite her friends to play again.
"In fact, sometimes, it's good to finish fighting children, but parents' hearts can't be solved." Sun Yunxiao said that many parents will intentionally or unintentionally interfere with the normal communication between their children and their peers. For example, when a child has an argument, parents usually can't sit still. They will protect their children or criticize them, without asking why.
In another survey in Sun Yunxiao, 8 1% parents of primary and middle school students want their children to make friends with classmates who study well, and 75% parents have strict requirements for their children to make friends. 7 1% of parents object to their children having close friends of the opposite sex, and to their children making friends with some people who don't study well.
"This is also excessive interference." Sun Yunxiao said that children's friends are not divided according to scores, nor are they guided by the standards listed by parents. They choose their favorite friends according to their personalities and interests, sometimes complementary and sometimes similar in personality. Children are free to make friends.
Sun Yunxiao said that parents should respect their children's friends and guide them to correctly handle conflicts with their peers, instead of making various rules and regulations and telling their friends what to do. "Only in the process of interacting with peers can children know how to interact with others, enrich their communication skills and summarize ways to solve conflicts."
Parents should be bystanders rather than masters.
Sun Yunxiao still clearly remembers a funeral.
That is a 16-year-old Beijing girl, versatile, singing, playing the piano and dancing are all good, but her academic performance is not good. Her wish is to be a kindergarten teacher, but her parents strongly disagree, constantly stressing to the girl that "there is hope only if she is admitted to college."
Parents spend a lot of money to send their daughters to key high schools. In the second year of high school, the girl committed suicide at home because she failed the exam twice.
This incident touched Sun Yunxiao a lot. Although the girl may not be admitted to the university, if her parents let her develop her interests, the child may live happily.
"Not every child is suitable for the current education system." Sun Yunxiao said that at present, our education evaluation standard is single, and parents often have "achievement anxiety", as if their children will die if they don't get to the key points. The child was forced to panic more. "This painful knot makes parents and children constantly torture each other."
According to the "Multiple Intelligences Theory" of Howard gardner, a psychologist at Harvard University's School of Education, human intelligence can be divided into at least eight categories, and different people will have different combinations of intelligence. Traditionally, schools have only emphasized students' logical development-mathematics and Chinese (mainly reading and writing).
Sun Yunxiao believes that children's growth is regular, and so is education. Parents can enroll their children in interest classes and extracurricular classes, but it is more important to find out that their children's interest is more important than how many English words they know and how many songs they can play. "Their strong interest in childhood may reflect their potential advantages."
"A friend of mine, both husband and wife are successful people, but the only son loves Sanda. They were worried and asked me what to do. " Sun Yunxiao said that he gave a thumbs-up and praised the child without stint. "How nice he is! He knows what he wants and works hard for it. He can persist in his sense of responsibility. What are you worried about? "
"Without interest, there is no real learning. Without respect, there is no education." Sun Yunxiao said that what parents should do is to provide opportunities, observe their children's potential characteristics, get to know their children and pay attention to their studies, but they should be given enough free space, not to force them to do things they don't want to do or can't do, and to encourage and support their children to find ways that suit them.
"In the process of children's growth, parents should be bystanders, not their masters." Sun Yunxiao said.
Tips for family education
1. Parents teach their children to be cautious. Only children who talk nonsense can keep the nature of free exploration. Parents and teachers should tolerate their children's nonsense and be generous and understanding enough. If the child's behavior is different from what you expected, even if you think he is in trouble, you might as well speak slowly and think about whether it is disturbing him.
2. Small families become everyone, and single families become groups. One-child families in a community can consider forming a mutual support group, three or more but not more than five, so that they can eat together, play games together and even sleep in the same bed. Children's problems can be solved by themselves, and parents should not participate. If two children are together, it is easy to ignore each other when there are contradictions, and parents have to intervene. It is complicated for them to have three children together, so they must use their brains to "find friends".
3. Childhood is the best time to delay satisfaction training. Don't give children whatever they want, let them learn to wait and know how to be temperate. Without the training of delaying satisfaction, it is difficult to have self-control, and without self-control, it is difficult to have a happy life. The miracle of education is realized by the spiritual guidance of parents, not material satisfaction.
4. To pay attention to children's achievements, we must pay attention to children's learning ability, which is determined by three functions: sensory action, auditory perception and visual perception. Wise parents will let their children exercise more and play more games, thus promoting the all-round development of their learning ability.
Cultivating children to develop a certain specialty must be based on potential and interest. Without potential, there is no foundation, without interest, there is no motivation. Parents' interests are not necessarily children's interests, and parents' specialties are not necessarily children's specialties. Forcing a child without musical talent to become a musical genius is as difficult as making a stone blossom.