Recently, I reread this book. It turns out that positive discipline is regarded as the "golden rule" to discipline children. Its founder is Dr. jane nelsen, and her book "Positive Discipline" is regarded as a classic work on parenting. We organized parents to read this book together with the parent-child book, and the satisfaction rate reached 100%. Parents who have seen this book are very much in favor of it and agree that it needs to be read and discussed repeatedly.
Therefore, classic books must be read repeatedly, slowly, carefully and conscientiously.
In fact, the English meaning of positive discipline is not like this. Let's look at the original English text, which is positive discipline.
There is no contradiction between positivity and discipline, nor is it a kind and firm middle line, but it is unified.
On the whole, positive discipline is kindness and firmness, or positive boundary, which is from the perspective of parents;
From the perspective of children, it is self-confidence and self-discipline, and it is the self-control to succeed.
Or from the two dimensions of parents' kindness and children's self-control.
So I think positive discipline is more appropriate if it is called "positive self-control".
However, because positive discipline has been deeply rooted in people's hearts, we still use this word for the convenience of explanation, just to remind everyone that positive discipline must not be discipline, which is a misunderstanding that is easily misunderstood.
When I was young, I had many brothers and sisters, so I should give priority to stocking them. Because of the pressure of life, our parents have no time and energy to take care of us. Everyone hangs a key around their neck and goes home to do their homework after school. Unlike today's children, they have to attend various remedial classes after class, and their parents have to look at their signatures when doing homework.
The advantage is that parents will not deliberately control us, not because they don't want to, but because they exist objectively; Therefore, most of us are objectively positive and optimistic, with strong self-discipline and self-control.
The disadvantage is that parents' time experience is limited, and once problems arise, they will be particularly severe. When I was a child, there were always a few friends around me who were often beaten by their parents, took off their pants and took a belt. Because punishment and violence are the simplest and most effective in the short term, it is easier for parents to use punishment without more time. Therefore, it is good for children not to make mistakes when they are young. When they make mistakes, they will be severely punished, and then they will go astray. I have a few friends around me. When they grow up, they fight and steal, and they are even sentenced. They lost their lives prematurely because of violence.
Therefore, when we were young, parents' education was generally strict, but due to the limitations of time and life, children had more room for self-development.
But now that the family is rich, children no longer need to take part in labor as in the past, work hard for the family's livelihood, and lose their sense of value through natural opportunities. The social environment has also improved, and the concept of equality for all is deeply rooted in the hearts of the people. Mothers are no longer blindly obedient to their fathers as in the past, and adults are no longer blindly obedient to others and society. Children today are as obedient and obedient as in the past.
Another situation is that there are more and more parents of helicopters. Parents want to give the best to their children, even parents who want to be bulldozers, and they want to level all the obstacles that their children may encounter. This leads to another extreme parenting, pampered parents.
Therefore, parenting in modern society is characterized by pampering, but at the same time, some parents are punished. Although the means and degree of punishment are not as extreme as in the past, the number is also rising rapidly. Another situation is that children are sometimes spoiled and sometimes punished. When faced with parents who change their faces faster than turning pages, they will be more contradictory, more anxious and have problems.
The consequences of excessive punishment of children are obvious, and positive discipline tells us that it is 4R. That is, children will retaliate, retaliate, resist and retreat.
The consequence of overindulgence is that children lack a sense of responsibility, which is why our parents complain that more and more children have no sense of responsibility. They are indifferent, don't care about other people's feelings, and can't communicate with people correctly. This also leads to mental health problems after children enter adolescence.
Another feature of these wrong educational consequences is that they are not as serious as children, but like inflatable balloons. The consequences of excessive punishment or doting will not disappear naturally every time, and will continue to be compressed into children's young hearts. Once you reach puberty, these high-pressure toxic gases will explode in a concentrated way, which is difficult to remedy. This is the main reason for the increase in the proportion of teenagers with psychological problems in junior high school and senior high school. According to the survey, at present, the proportion of teenagers aged 12- 18 in China is about 1 1%, and the psychological status of junior one students is the best, followed by junior two and junior three, and senior high school students are the worst.
Therefore, in modern society, it is more necessary for parents to carefully provide exercise opportunities for their children, adjust traditional parenting strategies, and consciously cultivate their sense of responsibility and self-motivation. This new parenting strategy is positive discipline.
The first and second chapters of positive discipline give us a detailed explanation.
One foundation is mutual respect and cooperation.
Children are independent individuals. Parents should not regard their children as their own accessories or fixed mold works of art, but must turn them into what they want. In fact, the only thing parents can give their children is life.
Therefore, a child is a seed with all kinds of development possibilities. Parents should respect their children's independent development. What they need to do is to help them grow up and provide sunshine, air, water and nutrition necessary for their growth.
The two driving forces are a sense of belonging and value.
Positive discipline originated from the theories of psychologists Adler and Drex.
Adler pointed out:
The child is a social person, and he thinks that others' views on himself determine his behavior; The primary purpose of children's behavior is to pursue a sense of belonging and value in a certain social environment.
Drex pointed out: children have strong perceptual ability, but poor explanatory ability. Various bad behaviors are often misinterpreted and misunderstood in the process of children's pursuit of belonging and value.
Sense of belonging means that children feel that they belong to this family, this team and this society and are not isolated by others; Sense of value means that children feel that what they are doing is valuable and that their existence is valuable. Being recognized is valuable, which are the two driving forces of positive discipline.
These three elements are attitude, choice and participation.
Positive discipline includes three elements: first, a kind and firm attitude; Second, children can choose on the premise of respecting others; Third, let children participate in the formulation. These three elements are to fully meet the needs of children's sense of belonging and value.
Four standards.
That is, to see if the parenting style is in line with kindness and firmness?
Does it cultivate children's sense of belonging and value?
Does it help children develop the five goals of "internal and external control and judgment value"?
Also, can it be effective for a long time?
These five goals are a long-term road map for active self-discipline.
That is, the long-term strategic goal, that is, the abilities and skills you want your child to eventually need. "Positive Discipline" puts forward seven important perceptions and skills of children, which I summarize as "internal and external control and judgment value".
"Inward" is the ability of introspection, the ability to understand one's emotions and the ability to achieve self-discipline;
"Externality" is the ability to communicate and cooperate with others, and is good at cooperating with others;
"Control" is the ability to control the whole, control all kinds of restrictions and consequences of daily life;
"Judgment" is the ability to judge, which can properly evaluate and judge the situation;
"Value" is a sense of value, which includes discovering your own strength and influence, feeling that you can do it, feeling that you are valuable, and others need me.
The goal of "internal and external control judgment" is actually to let children: I think, I cooperate, I control, I judge, I am valuable.
When implementing positive discipline, parents can easily turn positive discipline into a trick to control their children, and children will be particularly wary and resistant to trying to control their tricks.
Therefore, parents should always review their behavior and use four standards to measure daily parenting methods and means. Let's judge which of the following are positive discipline.
Case: Children don't do homework after school.
1, eat after you finish your homework! (Punishment, and it has nothing to do with homework)
2. Write quickly. Why are you so lazy? You procrastinate every day. Xiao Ming, who saw his neighbor, finished it early. (contrast)
There are so many homework assigned by the school that you can't finish it at all. Let me write it for you. (spoiled)
You can choose to do your homework now or play for a while, but you must finish your homework today, otherwise you can't sleep. (Choice, determination, but not for long)
I think you can definitely arrange how to finish your homework! Can you tell me the method? (Children choose and find their own methods to cultivate their independent ability, which is in line with 12345)
Minute * * * drugs, stay away from drugs forever. The following is a handwritten newspaper picture of primary school students' drug c