How did parents break down? It may be that after seven or eight times of urging homework, the child still refuses to cooperate; I signed up for many remedial classes, but there is still no improvement; Or their children love everything except study. ...

Recently, I read a book "Self-driven Children" (Chinese version: Self-driven Growth, Don't be discouraged by the title) by Dr. William Stix Luther, a clinical neuropsychologist, and Ned Johnson, the founder of PrepMatters, a famous American learning consulting company. This book won all five-star praise in Amazon, USA, which benefited me a lot.

The author tells us that the best way to relieve the pressure brought to parents by children's studies and the tense parent-child relationship caused by their studies is to return the control to the children.

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The pursuit of control, regardless of age.

Why give control back to the children? We might as well think about what life is like for children. The picture below shows the children's days very vividly.

Although, we often say to children: "You have grown up, you have the final say." But in fact, we have been meticulously and comprehensively managing children's homework, extracurricular activities, daily life and making friends. Today's children look happy, but in fact, there are too few things they can decide. Under the 360-degree control of home and school, children are actually under great pressure.

Some parents will say that their children are underage and not independent ideologically and economically. Of course, parents have the final say. As their guardians, we are responsible for them. Yes, but I hope I have control and I won't lose weight because I am young. Regardless of my age, I can feel in control of my life.

We might as well take the homework war, the dilemma of remedial classes and the weak driving force of children as three nail house problems that plague most parents, and see how the two authors solve them through decentralization.

Homework war

Parents who have no chest tightness, shortness of breath and soaring blood pressure for their children's homework are not enough to talk about raising a baby. "If you want to get into a good university, you have to finish your homework well." "When you grow up, you will thank us for forcing you now." ...

Although these familiar nagging is really good for children, they obviously have another meaning: we adults know what to do is right, but you, as a child, don't. As a result, homework has become a big battle between parents and children.

The author of this book thinks that it is meaningless to strive for homework for three reasons:

First of all, parents themselves may not agree with some homework arrangements and rules. Do we really think it is reasonable for fifth-grade children to spend three hours doing their homework at night, or for first-grade children to write 12 pages of scientific reports?

Secondly, if parents work harder than children in their homework, children will only become worse rather than stronger. To solve a difficulty, 95% comes from the efforts of parents, leaving only 5% room for children to play.

Finally, we can't force (even if there is, it is only temporary) a child to do something completely contradictory.

Although all the rules are reasonable, can't you do your homework? If it is difficult for parents to "disobey" the general environment, is there any way to reduce the lethality of the war caused by homework? The author's suggestion is: be a consulting parent.

A good business consultant can hit the nail on the head and know which issues are the most important. In order to enable customers to achieve the expected goals, they will guide customers to consider the commitments and even sacrifices they are willing to make. They will also give advice, but they will not force customers to make changes, because they really know that "making changes" is essentially their own business.

Although the child is not a customer, there is no difference in essence, that is: your child is not yourself, and his life is his own, not yours.

Therefore, in order to reduce the harm caused by homework to parent-child relationship, we must first reconstruct our role, that is, clarify our responsibilities as consultants-as parents, our responsibility is not to arrange children, but to help children learn how to control their own lives. Parents and children should always know that their children's lives are their own.

Parents should decentralize and let their children have more control over their homework. This decentralization is bound to be accompanied by many setbacks and pains, and usually goes through three stages:

Stage 1: Unconscious incompetence. Children think they feel good and can handle it, but they don't.

At this stage, parents and counselors can easily "deviate". You can expect that he will fail in homework and review, so you want to help him avoid failure. But if the child doesn't ask for your help, please stay out of it. What we have to do is to help him understand a truth: failure is only a temporary failure, and lessons have long-term value.

Stage 2: Conscious incompetence. At this stage, children will realize that they have screwed up and need to spend time and energy to finish their homework. Even if he didn't take any practical measures, he already knew this in his heart. To this end, he usually goes to the next step, that is, learning.

At this time, parents can ask their children if they need your help or advice: for example, set aside some time to review with him every day (but you should tell him that he also has time to arrange, and he won't wait); Or go to cram school. Don't impose it on children, but ask them to do it voluntarily.

Stage 3: Consciously competent. At this time, the child began to think, "I have studied hard, so I must do well in math." However, the author also admits that these are ideal States, which may take a long time and parents have to endure a lot of unbearable pain to achieve.

Sometimes, parents can reverse an embarrassing situation by giving in and relaxing control. For children who are also under pressure, the family should be a safe haven, a place to rest and recover. When children feel deeply loved by their parents even when they encounter difficulties, their resilience will be enhanced.

The effect of nagging, arguing and reminding homework over and over again is far less than telling children, "I love you so much and don't want to compete with you for homework."

Predicament of remedial classes

One of the authors of this book found that some children around her had started reading books when her daughter was 5 years old, and the couple began to feel panic. Although as neuroscientists, they know that learning early is not good, but they are still worried about endangering their children's future development, and even considered whether to let her leave the kindergarten without academic education.

But the couple finally stuck to their ideas and left their daughter in a school that was not in a hurry to learn. It was not until the fourth grade that they began to give her homework. Despite a bad start, my daughter got a doctorate in economics from the University of Chicago at the age of 26 and became a successful economist.

"Win at the starting line" and "The earlier you start, the more you lead", these "educational ideas" that make parents anxious are constantly promoting their children's academic benchmarks. Although there is a lot of evidence that it is more efficient to teach children to read at the age of 7, and any first-Mover advantage gained by children who learn to read early will disappear in their later childhood, we still force children to learn to read at the age of 5.

At Montgomery County School outside Washington, D.C., the school tried to teach seventh and eighth graders more difficult algebra. The actual situation is very bad. Three quarters of the students failed the final exam. Because most students in grade seven or eight simply don't have enough abstract thinking ability to master algebra.

Although the concept of school and education has changed a lot, the children themselves have not changed much. Today's five-year-olds are no better than their peers in 1925. They can only draw squares at the age of four and a half, triangles at the age of five and a half, and remember the maximum number of 20 silver coins at the age of six and a half.

The development of the brain has its own rhythm. With the growth of age, the development of the brain makes it easier to learn almost everything except foreign languages. So what do parents do in the atmosphere of learning in advance/rushing to learn? The author of this book suggests:

First of all, parents should have the courage to go against the "trend" and understand that early shots may not have a good result, and the cup will overflow when it is full. Parenting is a protracted war, not just a narrow task.

Secondly, choose the track suitable for children's development.

For some children, it is best to be a big fish in a small pond. Better to be the head of a chicken than the tail of a phoenix, can give them confidence to solve problems, rather than being scared away by difficulties, and can also make them strong. But if your child is competing with bigger fish in a bigger pond, help your child find a suitable course environment and learning rhythm.

Finally, there must be a sense of difference between men and women.

When it comes to academic problems, parents of boys are usually more miserable than parents of girls. Part of the reason is that men and women deal with dopamine differently.

Girls are usually more interested in school life and more persistent in learning. They tend to have higher standards and evaluate their performance more critically, hoping to please their parents and teachers. Therefore, girls are often affected by dopamine earlier, and this effect can last longer. Boys, on the other hand, are more likely to be driven by pressure (such as cramming for the last minute and approaching the deadline for handing in homework).

At present, mothers are more responsible for their children's learning, which means that as women, we and our sons use dopamine in a completely different way. If we blindly urge and supervise boys, the result will only lead to parent-child war. Giving boys more time to find their own rhythm is the best policy.

Of the four motivations, which one does your child belong to?

Parents want their children to have strong internal drive and strong motivation to achieve something in their study, life and future work. To this end, how to improve children's internal motivation and how to help children find internal motivation has always been an enduring topic in the parenting circle.

In fact, psychology and neuroscience have reached a conclusion on how to "create" motivation, and even provided a "formula" for it. It has four main components: correct mentality, autonomy, ability and sense of belonging, the best level of dopamine and flow.

The formula is available, but each child is very different. We must use this prescription according to different types of children. The first thing parents should do is to determine what kind of motivator their children are.

1 type: destroyer.

This kind of child knows that there are some things to be done quickly, but it seems that he can't mobilize his enthusiasm and feels a little self-destructive about his future. So it is called a destroyer. To this end, the author's suggestion is: visualize the goal to be completed.

Scientific experiments have confirmed that it is indeed easier for the brain to fantasize about achieving goals and arouse people's determination to achieve them. Therefore, it is easier to form a trigger mechanism by letting children write down their goals and stick them in conspicuous or easy-to-see places. There are three other benefits:

It constitutes an important reminder to children: this is his goal, not the goal of parents; Writing down goals helps people to involve their brains more, rather than just seeing goals as simple feedback to immediate needs or pressures; Writing down goals is also a reminder that we are about to fight a protracted war.

The second category: enthusiasts.

Amateur children are willing to do anything except study.

The author believes that if children who are not interested in learning are excluded from learning disabilities, depression and anxiety, what parents can do is to help them build cognitive models and better understand the real world while respecting their interests.

For example, if a child likes playing games, you can find detailed information and data and talk to him. As parents, we encourage him to develop his interest and look forward to it with him. Maybe he can be a game designer when he grows up and combine his interests with his career perfectly.

At the same time, you can produce evidence to tell your child that becoming a top game designer requires at least a bachelor's degree or even a master's degree in many cases; And what skills should be mastered. So if he wants to achieve this goal, he must work hard to improve his academic performance. Only in this way can we help the child find out what he needs to do first to achieve his goal.

Taking away children's interest, making them victims of their studies, or as punishment for not studying hard, will only be counterproductive.

The third kind: Eeyore, the little donkey.

Eeyore the donkey is a character in Disney animation. This little donkey is pessimistic when something happens, and nothing can lift her spirits. Just like some children, they are homesick, unwilling to try new things and have no motivation to do anything, as if they don't know what they want at all.

If the child suddenly loses interest in everything, or this situation lasts for more than two or three weeks, parents need to take the child for psychological or medical evaluation. If the assessment is normal, then parents need a set of combined methods to help Eeyore Jr.:

First of all, stay calm and focus on building a solid relationship with your child. You know, some people can still live happily even if they don't have too many hobbies and friends in their lives.

Secondly, ask your child if he wants to cope with the new situation more comfortably. Tell your child that as a parent, it is your responsibility to let him get in touch with the real world, and don't always urge him to accept new things. Ask your child what he wants to try, and you are willing to follow his pace and develop slowly, instead of urging him and forcing him.

Finally, try to take children to participate in some sports that don't pay much attention to group forms. Sports can activate all kinds of children, and fencing, rock climbing and judo are more suitable for young Eeyore.

Category IV: hermione granger.

Hermione is a teacher in Harry Potter. Such children demand that they must be outstanding and meet the expectations of others. It is the kind of child who seems to not only worry parents, but also add luster to their parents.

In fact, children who have this idea are very unhealthy. In fact, their motivation is largely based on fear, and they will feel very anxious because they cannot achieve the high goals set by themselves or others.

How can we encourage a child who is so dependent on external achievements and give them internal motivation? The easiest way is for parents to tell their children clearly (which they did) that even if they fail in the exam and screw things up, it will not affect their love for their children.

Moreover, you can also tell your children some real investigations about the relationship between study and life happiness, so that children can understand that what they value is not necessarily closely related to their long-term life. For example, another joint study by Gallup Polling Company and Purdue University found that:

The best predictor of happiness is not that you enter a prestigious university, but some more internal experience factors in university life, such as: a professor shows personal interest in them, which can stimulate them to learn and provide encouragement; When they practice or work in universities, they can also apply what they have learned; Actively participate in extracurricular activities, or projects that take a semester or more to complete.

Training yourself to have a strong and mature mind is far more important than getting a higher ranking and score.

Self-control represents the deep needs of human beings, and it is our antidote to stress. If parents can properly delegate power and let their children feel in control, many problems in our study and life can be improved.

10 June. 202 1