"I bought a lot of parenting books and read a lot. The result is that it will be used at first sight, but it will be useless after use. Why is this happening? Is the parenting theory useless, or do I not understand it? "

First of all, I want to say one thing. No theory or skill can solve all problems. Parenting is a process in which parents and children grow together. Instead of expecting immediate results, we should feel every change and growth in the process.

In view of the above two points, today I recommend a parenting book, Whole Brain Education, which has both skills and theories. It is a classic bibliography for parents to learn "developmental education". I will also share my reading experience with you from three aspects: theoretical basis, practical skills and application methods.

1, integrate the brain

The core of the theory of "whole brain education" is the word "whole brain" By connecting the left and right brains, the barrier between the upper and lower brains can be dredged to help children mobilize their whole brain thinking and achieve the purpose of developmental education.

Neuroscience research believes that the brain is divided into left brain and right brain, which preside over different functions respectively. The left brain is responsible for logic, reasoning, analysis and synthesis, while the right brain is responsible for feeling, emotion, emotion and imagination. Simply put, the left brain is good at logic and the left brain is good at feeling.

Besides, the difference between the upper and lower brain, the function of the upper brain is similar to that of the left brain, which belongs to rational analysis; The lower body is an instinctive feeling and emotional expression.

Therefore, when the child is in an uncontrollable state of anger, it shows that his behavior is being controlled by the lower brain and the function of the upper brain is blocked.

2. Integrated memory

Memory is a collection of all one's feelings, thoughts and experiences. Memory affects and changes our behavior in an explicit or implicit way. Sometimes, we can detect it, and sometimes, it's hard to detect it.

There are two kinds of memory: explicit memory and implicit memory. Explicit memory is a part that you can perceive and is usually controllable; Implicit memory is more subtle and difficult to control, especially for children.

For example, when a person goes through a period of pain or fear, this memory may become implicit memory, which restricts the person's future behavior. The theory of integrated memory is to help children retell this memory, and to give this memory some meaning by constantly reviewing the important nodes in the memory, which is usually more positive, comprehensive and objective.

In this process, implicit memory will become explicit memory, and the influence of memory on personal behavior will become more controllable.

3. Integrate yourself with others

After understanding the structure of the brain and the function of memory, the author puts forward the concept of "seventh sense". Complete the whole brain education by developing children's "seventh sense".

This ability has two output directions: self-awareness and the relationship between self and others. Self-awareness requires concentration, while developing relationships with others requires empathy.

So we can sum up a simple and clear formula: the seventh sense = epiphany+sympathy.

Next, let's explain the whole brain education 12 rule put forward by the author one by one.

If the child has been immersed in emotions, such as being controlled by sad emotions, it means that the left brain part is blocked. Parents need to mobilize the function of their children's left brain to get rid of the dominant position of the right brain. For example, children's attention shifts to games such as counting, sorting and sorting, and these games are mainly handled by the left brain.

Step 2 share experiences

Teaching children to actively share their feelings and experiences is a good way to guide the left brain to play a leading role. The process of sharing experience can promote the development of logical abilities such as analysis, reasoning, synthesis and judgment, which are the main tasks of the left brain.

Of course, not only children, but also parents need to share their experiences with their children frequently, and guide them to put forward their own opinions in the process of sharing.

3. Don't be angry

When a child loses his temper, parents should first learn to control their emotions, and then judge whether the child's abnormal state, such as losing his temper, is low-level anger (controlled by emotions, unconscious anger, that is, being dominated by the lower brain) or high-level anger (deliberately showing anger in order to achieve a certain goal, and deliberately doing it in the upper brain).

Only by correctly judging the current operation of the child's brain can we solve the problem. If it is lower-level anger, it needs to help children learn to release and transfer, and more is to accompany children through this time controlled by lower-level brains; If it is the intention of going to the brain, parents need to say "no" to their children gently and firmly.

4. Let children make decisions

Parents can't help but want to make decisions for their children. This impulse stems from the desire for protection, but it is also a distrust of children's ability to solve problems. If children can't learn to solve problems, it will be difficult for them to get exercise in their upper brain.

Therefore, when encountering problems, let the children think about their own solutions and make their own choices and decisions. This process is to exercise their brains, and the brain is "the more you exercise, the more brilliant you will be." What parents should do is to ask four more questions:

5. Exercise your body

When the brain is in a state of chaos, let the body move and use exercise to restore the balance of the brain. I believe that parents have had many personal experiences. An unhappy child will forget all the bad things as long as he is allowed to run for a while.

6. Memory restatement

When children have negative memories such as sadness, grief and fear, the best way is not to cover up these memories, but to redefine the value of these memories to themselves by helping children learn to restate them.

When children begin to recall, they may encounter obstacles, usually rejection, pain, interruption, etc. Parents need to be patient, let their children master the rhythm of retelling memories, and actively choose which memory to play and where to fast forward, just like a remote control with memories. Otherwise, it is difficult to achieve good results in retelling memories.

7. Review important events

When children can complete the step of retelling memories, the next step is to review important events. Our life consists of countless important events, and these important memories also affect the way we look at things and deal with problems in the future.

What we often say about "learning lessons" or "summing up experience" actually comes from constantly reviewing important events. If these important memories can't be recalled from the brain and processed continuously, then these memories can't play their role.

For example, children have memories of being burned, but it is easy to forget the pain of being burned. Therefore, when encountering danger signals, children need to constantly review past memories to think about the possible dangers caused by current behavior.

8. Understand the "floating clouds principle"

The principle of "floating clouds" means that emotions such as feelings and emotions are not permanent, but like floating clouds, they will float away for a while and then disappear.

The key point here is to help children learn to correctly distinguish between "feeling" and "yes". When children fall into a certain emotion, they often can't tell what "my feeling" is, but think that "I am". For example, "I feel sad at this time, not that I have been sad."

When a child loses a toy, he will feel sad, as if the sky were falling. When we should help children learn to understand their feelings, understanding sad feelings will not last long. For example, you can try to let your child eat some food he likes. Enjoying food will make him happy again and find a happy feeling again.

Cultivating concentration can help children understand themselves and gain insight into their emotions and feelings. Therefore, parents can often ask questions:

10, allocate attention

When a child falls into a difficult problem, such as never drawing a pattern that satisfies him, parents should guide the child to allocate attention at this time, because he has spent too much time drawing and consumed a lot of brain and physical strength.

At this time, change a game, or go out to exercise and relax. When you return to the state of "full of blood", it may not be so difficult to solve the problem just now.

1 1, parent-child interaction

How a person understands his relationship with others originally comes from his interaction with his parents. Therefore, positive, positive, loving and beneficial parent-child interaction can make a person get along with others more comfortable and harmonious in the future.

So it is very necessary to have a fixed parent-child time every day or week. It is not only companionship and play, but also an example strength.

12, sympathy

The harmonious coexistence of self and others comes from a kind of "empathy". This ability can make a person get rid of himself, feel and think from the standpoint of others, and sincerely understand the situation and thoughts of others.

When parents communicate with their children, they often need to express their views and feelings, so that children can try their best to understand their feelings and thoughts. This expression is the first step for children to learn to understand others. If no one is willing to express it, children will never understand that others are different from themselves.

After reading the 12 rule above, is it a bit too much? I feel like I can't remember. What should I do?

Here, I drew two nine squares. Looking horizontally and vertically, these two nine squares can deepen everyone's understanding of the "whole brain education 12 law" and the internal relationship between the laws.

The whole brain education method 12 method can be understood from the process of "cognition-understanding-action", which is the first line. Looking at the second line horizontally, that is, the process of brain operation, knowledge comes from the whole brain thinking-forming memory-memory affecting behavior-producing the seventh sense-affecting future behavior. Look at the third line horizontally, corresponding to the keywords in the second line respectively, and explain in detail how to act.

Looking at each line vertically, from understanding the whole brain to integrating the whole brain, it corresponds to the law of whole brain education1-5; From understanding memory to integrating memory, there are 6-7 items corresponding; Finally, through self-insight and empathy, the ability of the seventh sense is mobilized, corresponding to 8- 12.

12 rule is actually the product of following the cognitive laws of the brain, and it is gradually deepened and practiced from cognition to understanding to action.

I understand the theory and method, so how to use it? I synthesized the 12 rule and my own experience, and summarized the following points:

For children under 6 years old, we should follow a big principle when raising them:

Step 2: Ask: Not admonish.

Ask questions to children, not "admonish". Guiding children to express their feelings and thoughts is to help children learn to organize their own thinking, integrate their left and right brains and give full play to the role of the whole brain. Therefore, parents are advised to ask questions in three paragraphs:

These three questions help children to confirm facts, feelings and thoughts respectively. In the process of answering questions, children not only need to call the function of the left brain, but also need to use the right brain to achieve the purpose of integrating the brain.

Step 3: Interaction: Two-way output

Unilateral output or input of information is not interaction. In order to achieve a harmonious communication between parents and children, we need a balanced interactive relationship first. For example, when a child tells you a story that breaks his heart, parents' reaction is very important.

We should sincerely express our understanding and acceptance, empathize with their experiences, instead of playing an exhorter, and always try to solve the "sadness" problem of children quickly.

In addition to listening, parents can also share their stories in interaction. Children like listening to stories. Using personal experience to convey parents' thoughts and feelings is also a good opportunity for children to learn empathy.

The biggest enlightenment of the whole brain education method is to respect and understand the laws of the brain, and then guide children to think according to the laws of brain operation, and constantly integrate the brain, thus promoting the development of the brain. The 12 parenting rule put forward by the author is also a method around the cognitive track of "cognition-understanding-action".

Of course, the most important thing is to find the scene of applying them in constant practice, and gradually become proficient and internalized. As we often say, "the more you use your brain, the more brilliant you are." The more you use it, the more skilled you are.

Finally, I hope that every parent can start from the starting point of understanding their children and sail to the other side of growing up with them.