The misunderstanding of every generation of parents
People are used to calling the close relationship between grandparents and grandchildren "intergenerational relatives". In fact, intergenerational education is a word with a long time span. In our traditional family, 0 ~ 3 years old or even preschool mainly belongs to the category of child-rearing, which is a period to lay the foundation for various psychological and physiological indicators of children's growth and development-the so-called moral, intellectual and physical. At present, the misunderstanding under the traditional parenting style of "alternate parents" is extremely unfavorable to the healthy growth of children. Let's look at a typical small example:
Tao Tao is usually taken care of by a nanny at home and goes to grandma's house to play on weekends. When the nanny took it, Tao Tao was obedient and not willful at all. After going to my grandmother's house on weekends, I learned some bad habits such as rolling on the ground, wearing shoes and sleeping with my aunt's brother. Whenever my mother corrects Tao Tao's mistakes, my grandmother always opposes her. For example, my mother said, "My son should not wear shoes to sleep, because the quilt is dirty and grandma is tired of washing it." . Grandma will definitely say, "Never mind, let the children step on it, and then wash it when it is dirty." For another example, when Tao Tao was eating fruit, his mother said, "My son should wear a handkerchief for your mother, or it will look ugly if you get your clothes dirty." Grandma will definitely say, "Nothing. Don't surround yourself, don't surround yourself. " In the long run, Tao Tao gradually abandoned the original good habits and developed many bad habits. Grandma often said to Tao Tao: "In grandma's house, grandma is the oldest, and mom and dad have to listen to her." Two-year-old Tao Tao has realized that grandma's family and her own family have different philosophies. When she is at grandma's family, she can not listen to her mother. Over time, even in grandma's house, Tao Tao didn't listen to anyone.
Inevitable social phenomenon
Nowadays, many people who send their children to kindergarten every day are old people at home. Occasionally I see one or two young faces, mostly nannies at home. The reason why the phenomenon of intergenerational education is so common in China is closely related to the current economic and social development.
Contemporary young people shoulder the dual pressure of marriage and entrepreneurship. On the one hand, they should work harder, keep charging, and strive for the success of their careers. On the other hand, the improvement of family happiness and living standards should also be taken into account. Therefore, when they are new parents, especially the parents of the only child, the serious shortage of time and energy has become the biggest problem in raising children. In this social background, although they have high expectations for the only child, they are still unable to do so and have to leave the child to their parents for care. This is the main reason why the phenomenon of intergenerational education is more and more common.
To sum up, intergenerational education is inevitable in China. On the one hand, this is the traditional family education model in China; On the other hand, fierce social competition also makes intergenerational education essential. When young parents are busy with their careers and the nanny industry is unprofessional, the education of many children basically belongs to grandparents.
In the face of this common phenomenon, especially in the early stage of children's education, how can we not only overcome the disadvantages of intergenerational education, but also give full play to the role of the elderly, so that young parents can spare their energy to work better and strive for a career?
First of all, realize the disadvantages of intergenerational education.
A year's plan lies in spring, and a day's plan lies in morning. For a child's life, 0 ~ 6 years old is a critical period for the formation of personal quality and personality. If almost all children live with the elderly at this stage, they lose the opportunity to communicate with their parents and cultivate their feelings, and let the special care of divorced parents flood, which will have a very negative impact on their physical and mental development:
It is easy for children to form a self-centered, selfish and willful bad character.
Old people love their children very much, and it is easy to spoil and indulge their grandchildren. Especially if the only child is an only child, the elderly will have more psychological scruples-in case of mistakes, they are afraid of sorry for the children and blaming them. As a result, the elderly always rely on their children, protect them everywhere and put them at the core of the family. Children do not correct their mistakes in time, and even often meet their unreasonable demands. In terms of eating, make "patented dishes" for children and let them enjoy special treatment at the table; Arrange everything in children's life, dress instead of children, arrange toys instead of children, feed themselves instead of children, even worry about their wrestling, and take pains to hold their children upstairs and downstairs. ...
The old man's various practices have caused the child's limbs to develop slowly, his ability to live independently is poor, he relies on his parents everywhere, and everything is self-centered, so the whole family should serve him. He will lose his temper once he encounters difficulties or his demands are not met. Excessive protection of the elderly not only stifles children's independent living ability and self-confidence, but also makes them extremely selfish, timid and fragile.
It is easy to destroy children's natural curiosity, adventurous spirit and innovative spirit.
Old people are easily bound by traditional ideas, slow to accept new things, and relatively backward in educational concepts. The thinking mode and lifestyle formed over the years are not easy to change. They want their children to be smart, obedient, steady and not out of line, and they are not good at guiding children in a scientific and creative way. Children are always eager to stop adventurous and innovative inquiry behaviors such as "disturbing" and "destroying" because of curiosity.
For example, when children catch a few ants to feed them, when children pull up orchids in flowerpots and see what the roots look like, when children take apart a toy car with great interest, their ancestors always stop to criticize them. Because, in their minds, playing with ants is dirty, pulling flowers is intentional, and a perfect toy car cannot be "destroyed". They think that these outrageous behaviors of children are bad behaviors and must be corrected immediately. Imagine how a child who grew up in this family environment can form a pioneering and innovative personality.
It is easy to lead to children's narrow vision, lack of vitality and psychological aging.
Most elderly people like quiet, don't like sports, and don't like going out because of their age. Children and grandparents live together day and night, which has long been limited by the living space and atmosphere of the elderly. What they hear and imitate are the words and deeds of the elderly, and what they say is the words of adults, which is easy to lose their naive nature. In addition, the lack of outdoor activities, on the one hand, small amount of exercise, lack of physical exercise, will cause physical weakness, illness; On the other hand, less exposure to new things may lead to children's narrow vision, lack of vitality, fear of facing strangers and inability to handle affairs by themselves. If it is serious, it will also cause children to be narrow-minded, stubborn, retreat, psychologically aging, and so on.
Second, fostering strengths and avoiding weaknesses is a good prescription.
In real life, intergenerational education is not without its merits. The Chinese nation has accumulated many excellent family education traditions for thousands of years, and many children raised by their ancestors have made great achievements. Although the two generations have different parenting styles, it is not necessarily the fault of the elderly. Haihai's grandparents are teachers and have been strict with Haihai since childhood. The modern Haihai mother believes that everything should be satisfied as long as her son speaks. Although Haihai hasn't gone to school yet, she has been able to sense motive. He is sensible in front of his grandparents and plays tricks on his mother. This shows that intergenerational education should also be analyzed in detail.
Grandparents are very caring and like grandchildren very much. They have enough time and energy, are willing to spend time with their children and can listen to them patiently.
Grandparents have practical experience in raising and educating children. They know better than parents what problems children are prone to at different ages and how to deal with them.
Grandparents have accumulated rich social experience and life insights in long-term social practice. They believe that children should study and live in a pleasant and relaxed environment, and there is no need to force this or that.
Facts have proved that children brought up by their ancestors have many good physical qualities and are better than other children in life care and security.
However, the ancestors' values, lifestyles, knowledge structure and educational methods are more or less different from those of modern society. In addition, ancestors must also have the characteristics of the elderly physically and psychologically. Therefore, intergenerational education will inevitably have some negative effects on children's personality development. The key is how to make good use of its advantages and avoid its shortcomings.
For young parents who play the dual roles of children and parents, they must take time out of their busy schedules to communicate with children and the elderly, and never give up their duties. For example: play games and tell stories with children after dinner every day, and take them out for activities on weekends. At the same time, young parents should respect the elderly, often exchange new experiences of scientific parenting with the elderly, and help the elderly accept new things; Accept the advice of the elderly with an open mind; We should not only show our attitude resolutely, but also communicate patiently and try to avoid confrontation.
Young parents must remember that they are the real protagonists in educating their children! So don't save trouble, the child will be handed over to the old man as soon as he is born; Don't be afraid that old people will spoil their children, refuse to take care of them, and cut off the affection between grandparents and grandchildren. Whether living with the elderly or temporarily fostering children among the elderly, we should pay attention to coordinating the relationship with the elderly, take the healthy growth of children as the starting point, actively resolve contradictions and disputes, and strive for a win-win situation in intergenerational education.