The article was reprinted from the official WeChat account "Qing Ma Shuo" (ID: qingmashuo).
Wen Yi Hao Fangjing Editor Wen Yi Tsun Lee
After having children, many people have experienced such ups and downs:
Suddenly becoming a parent has ignited a strong impulse to recall my own growth, hoping to learn from it and avoid all the pits encountered in the process of growing up;
Then I found that I didn't have enough knowledge reserves, and my parents didn't have training and certificates, so I made up for the ideas of parenting education in various schools and followed the theories I agreed with, believing that these theories could cultivate good children.
Then I was full of confusion about the implementation of the theory, so I entered the next stage, trying to find the best environment for children, hoping that the power of the environment would have the best impact on children.
Then I began the next stage of confusion: can my efforts ensure the cultivation of a good child? What should family education do to cultivate good children?
Two stories
Let me tell the story of two families first.
One is my hourly worker.
My family has changed many hourly workers. Since we have an internet platform about hourly workers, we are used to placing orders every week and booking a new hourly worker like a takeaway. We also want to find suitable candidates among them and become long-term partners.
In all kinds of hourly workers, we see all kinds of personalities and attitudes. Some hourly workers play tricks at work, leaving a water stain on the mirror when they leave and sinking. Some hourly workers are all thumbs. It takes a long time to do something, and then they leave when the time is up. Some hourly workers work neatly and talk a lot. They spent two hours chatting and asking about our family affairs. I haven't found the right one for a long time.
Until one day, there was a refreshing hourly worker, neat, organized, active in finding a job, amiable, talking and laughing with us, but not gossiping. My mother took a fancy to it at once and let her come often. She did better than expected in every link, very meticulous, and took the initiative to help us receive it.
After several visits, we learned that she looked quite young, but in fact she already had a high school daughter. She didn't bring her daughter to Beijing. Instead, she followed her daughter to Beijing.
Yes, her daughter, who went to junior high school in Chongqing, was admitted to the middle school attached to the Central Academy of Fine Arts as an art major. Central American high schools give several senior high school entrance examination places every year. When my daughter heard this, she said to her mother, Mom, I'm going to take this test, and I'll take you to Beijing.
No. She doesn't even know that her daughter has a talent for painting, and she doesn't know where she learned it. She is busy at home from morning till night every day and has no time to help her daughter with her lessons and hobbies. It was more shocking than anything to hear that her daughter was admitted to Beijing. And her daughter is also the first in the professional course of Yangmei High School. The teacher told her: you don't have to suffer for a few more years. When your daughter becomes famous one day, don't forget our teacher.
She said she didn't know. The child's father, who studies architectural engineering, may be very talented, but she knows nothing about painting herself. She was very surprised when she heard that her daughter was admitted to Beijing. She thought, what can I do? How can I provide for her daughter to study in Beijing? So, she sold the old house in Chongqing where she lived alone with her daughter, raised the travel expenses and tuition fees, and came to Beijing with her daughter alone. On the day of admission, I sent my daughter to the dormitory. After paying the rent and tuition and fees, she only had more than 60 yuan on her. So I found a job that can make money immediately on the road, met an elder sister who works as an hourly worker, and followed.
She said that she was almost divorced, and the father of the child was a big family, complaining that she had no son and had a daughter was nothing to look at. When her daughter was a few years old, she said to her mother, let's move out. I don't want to see them bully you Later, mother and daughter went their separate ways and lived together. She works as a kindergarten teacher in her hometown and also does other odd jobs. She is very busy every day, and her daughter's study depends on herself. She said that her daughter also took the piano grade 10 and got the highest score in vocal music.
She said that her daughter learned it all by herself, and she had no time to take care of her daughter's piano study. She just works hard and wants to earn her daughter's piano tuition of 100 yuan per hour. Her daughter began to learn piano in the second grade of primary school. She felt that she didn't need to study too early, and she was too young to sit still. She forced her to learn to hurt her interest, and she didn't understand it until she could read.
The first story ends here. In fact, there is no amazing plot, but it is full of surprises.
For example, a junior high school girl can have great ambitions and want to get into Beijing by drawing.
For example, a girl who is good at painting has a foundation in piano and vocal music.
For example, a child as excellent as literature and art does not come from a rich family, but from a hard family with a single mother.
For example, the mother and daughter gave up the big family of intellectuals, and the mother would rather sell the house as an hourly worker than beg for mercy from her husband's family.
And think again, all these unexpected things are actually reasonable:
Mother knows the importance of interest, so she won't force her children to learn piano when they are very young, and start learning when they have their own internal drive.
Mother knows the importance of being strong, so she would rather work hard than beg for mercy. The mother knows the importance of the future, so she would rather sell her only assets and support the future chosen by her children.
Knowing the importance of independence, mothers never limit their children's choices, which gives them the courage to explore the vast world.
Mother knows the importance of serious work, so simple cleaning work can be done beautifully, and her daughter also has the pursuit of serious work.
It is because of these innate qualities that we found her unique at the first meeting.
The second story comes from my parenting aunt.
After giving birth to Bauer, it is very difficult for the elderly at home to help, and they urgently need to find a mother-in-law who lives at home to help. At that time, there was a family in the community who just didn't recruit a parenting sister-in-law, so we invited them to have a try at home. At first, I didn't make up my mind, because this parenting sister-in-law wants to rest on weekends and often has to work overtime on weekends, so I would rather hire an aunt who doesn't rest on weekends with high salary.
But after the trial, we decided to keep her. There are several reasons: she said she could work overtime on weekends if necessary; She loves cleanliness very much. In addition to taking care of the children, she also took the initiative to clean. She is very kind to children. She doesn't ask anything.
Later, I found many advantages in getting along with her: she loves children, is good at teasing children, and smiles when coaxing children; Cheerful and peaceful personality, many friends; The property at home has not been touched, and food is not cheap; Be proactive and tidy up your home; Talk generously with people, but never ask questions or spread gossip; Don't care about trifles.
Later, in a chat, we learned that she had two daughters. The eldest daughter was studying in Zhengzhou and was going to take the postgraduate exam. The younger one is studying high school in her hometown in Yunnan and is about to enter the university.
When talking about her two daughters, her attitude is quite easy-going: "The older one wants to take the postgraduate exam. I don't think she can pass the exam? " But if she wants, she can take the exam. Younger ones, who want to study medicine, have to take an examination of obstetrics and gynecology. I wonder what she thinks. Probably because she likes children. Hey, let her go. "
Occasionally on holidays, she goes to see her daughter. Talking about her daughter, she was all smiles. My youngest daughter fell in love with Latin dance when she was 8 years old. She learned Latin dance from her little daughter for several years until she got a fairly high level certification.
These two stories are as simple as that: my family never visited their children at all, and chose to hire them only because of their way of doing things. Later, I learned that their daughter is so independent, so talented, so personality.
From the mother, we see the shadow of the child.
From story to theory
I know stories don't represent the general situation. I won't draw a conclusion from the story easily. But I still believe that the story still has the meaning and function of peeping at the leopard in a tube.
As parents, we often want to know: what is the cause and effect in the process of parenting?
For example, good educational methods can cultivate good children? Good school education produces good children? A good educational environment makes a good child? Good educational resources make good children?
Many psychologists, sociologists and educators who study family education have studied these problems. They are particularly keen on studying the influence of congenital factors (genes) and acquired factors (environment) on children. The researchers found some statistical laws, but they also found more problems.
First, the researchers made a comparative study of "twins raised in different families" and "adopted sons and parents raised in the same family". Researchers have found that genes account for almost half of all personality and achievement indicators, ranging from 40% to 80%. Appearance, intelligence, introversion and extroversion, stubbornness, nervousness, aggression and a series of personality characteristics. Are all influenced by genes.
What about the other half? Is the remaining 50% influenced by parental rearing patterns?
The remaining half does come from the acquired environment, but some studies show that the influence of "general environmental factors" (general family atmosphere and general school atmosphere) is only a small part, and the most important source of acquired influence is "personal environmental factors" (the influence of personal unique experience).
In other words, children's genes and personal experiences are the most important determinants of various characteristics. What is the meaning of parents' family? Are parents and family meaningless, or do nothing?
Of course not. The main significance of parents' family lies not in these "individual personality characteristics", but often in the "interactive relationship characteristics"
What does this mean?
First, read a description from Personality Psychology: A Scientific Exploration of Human Nature (btw: this book is highly recommended, which can be called "the best textbook of contemporary personality psychology"):
"The basic situation is this: for most personality variables, the shared environment (family general parenting environment) has little or no influence on them.
Does this mean that the shared environment doesn't work? Of course not. In some fields, behavioral genetics research has revealed the important influence of shared environment, such as attitude, religious belief, political stance, healthy behavior, and even language intelligence to some extent.
Another recent study found that shared environment explains many personality characteristics in the field of adaptability, including antisocial behavior, depression and autonomous function. "
What do these descriptions mean?
The general atmosphere in the family will mainly affect children's attitude towards the world and their relationship with the world.
We often only pay attention to the individual characteristics of children, but often ignore the interaction between children and the world, which is the most significant place in psychology to find the influence of family.
Attitude, belief and position are the way a person looks at the world; Many maladaptive mental diseases are actually the difficulties for individuals to get along with the world. And these are all related to family.
What can the family bring to children?
In fact, we can't influence children's intelligence, personality, specialties and abilities. Many parents spend a lot of time trying to influence these aspects, but the genes in these aspects play a great role, and the children's personal experiences have a great influence.
The environmental atmosphere arranged by parents has only a small amount of uncertainty. A child is himself, shaped by genes and unique experiences. Parents can change very little.
But we can influence children's attitude towards the world.
In other words, whether children have the talent to learn the piano and whether they have a calm personality is largely out of parents' control. However, children's attitude towards learning the piano is closely related to their parents and families.
If personality traits are inherent in children, then attitude is the relationship between children and themselves, the world and others. This relationship has been undergoing subtle changes.
In modern psychoanalytic research, there is a word called "work model", which refers to the relationship between oneself and others in one's mind. This "working mode" was first loaded into the child's brain before the child was one year old. Babies will turn their relationship with their mothers into a basic template of "self-others" relationship, which will be automatically loaded in later life.
For example, if a baby cries for a long time and nobody cares about it, it may happen once or twice occasionally, but after it happens frequently, the child will feel that my requirements for the world will not meet me.
When children grow up, they still don't believe that they can get responses from others, so they shrink back, are confused, protect themselves in interpersonal relationships, and are constantly eager for others' affirmation. This is insecurity.
For another example, when babies cry for the world, they get mixed reactions, sometimes they are ignored, and sometimes they have warm care. Babies will unconsciously guess how they can get the love of others and why they are sometimes ignored.
Although this speculation is not clear and rational, it has been branded from the instinctive reaction, and the baby will begin to please the caregiver and want to exchange his own please for long-term love. As adults, they often fall into hot and cold interpersonal relationships to please each other. This is also insecurity.
The baby's sense of security is the most studied "working mode", but in fact, the "working mode" that children get from their parents is far more than infancy.
Growing up, children will still perceive their parents' attitudes towards the world-values, attitudes towards themselves-parent-child relationship (or the main source of "superego" in psychoanalysis) to a great extent. These attitudes will become children's unconscious "work patterns" in various ways.
You may not see this from your personality characteristics. For example, there are two bright and cheerful children who seem to have little difference in personality, but their attitudes towards people and things are completely different, and their relationship with the world is also completely different.
What will bother us adults the most?
What bothers us is often not what we have, but how we look at what we have. And this attitude, in many cases, is inherited from the parent-child relationship.
I have met some friends with outstanding abilities, but they are sensitive and constantly need the approval of successful proof. Once they encounter numerical waterloo, they will never be able to lift their spirits to do things.
This is a distrust of the inner self-strength, which comes from the severe criticism from the heart: you are always bad in one way or another, you are always not the best, and you must prove yourself with your achievements.
However, the biggest problem with this kind of internal criticism is that it prevents adults from crossing the arduous struggle that requires patience and trial and error to succeed-all truly great roads need to cross these obstacles-and always return to the original point in the cycle of self-denial after a little frustration. The root cause still comes from the parent-child relationship.
We often think of our family and childhood in such and such work troubles, self-troubles and relationship troubles. In the process of tracing back, we realize how parents' attitude towards things and their relationship with themselves have influenced our work and interpersonal relationships as adults.
As a result, the problem of "being born into a family" was brought to the media for discussion again and again. It seems that everyone can talk about what kind of family environment caused them.
But often this kind of review and accusation is limited to review and accusation, and it does not bring real detachment and reflection.
More harmonious parent-child relationship
When we are more and more aware of the important influence of "being born in a family", what impact does it have on today's parenting life?
The first is to realize that our attitude is the most important parenting factor.
If our life is full of complaints and we are full of resentment towards our childhood and parents, then children may be infected by our complaining attitude. He will feel that complaining about his frustration to his childhood parents is a proper attitude towards life. When he grows up, he may follow the same complaints.
If our life is full of anxiety and we are always worried that ourselves or our children will fail, children may brand this anxiety into their "work mode" and worry about themselves at any time in the future and dare not make life choices.
The second is to realize that we don't need to push too hard in many aspects.
We should know that children's intelligence and many of their own personality characteristics have nothing to do with us. The atmosphere we create and the environment we create have little influence on some deep-rooted characteristics of children.
Sensitivity, patience, extroversion, affinity, intelligence ... and what children are good at has nothing to do with our overall family education. So don't try too hard to shape children. In the end, you can't shape him, but you will turn this "too hard" attitude into "too harsh superego" in his heart.
Finally, we realize that our peaceful attitude towards our own life is the best parenting.
At the end of the article, I went home and told the story of an hourly worker and a parenting sister-in-law. What do they have in common with children? Their psychology is not to keep strong demands on their children, but to treat their growth peacefully and let them choose their own growth path.
This in itself accords with their peaceful attitude in their work. They don't haggle over petty profits, don't blame others, and don't give up their self-esteem for the benefit. They live a quiet life and work hard, believing that they want to do things well.
And this kind of peace is the reason why we choose them, and it is also the best gift they pass on to their children.
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