Neighbor Zhao Jie has an 8-year-old son Xiao Hai, who is usually very lively and outgoing. Every time he sees us, he always greets us actively. Everyone praises Xiaohai for being polite and sensible. And everyone knows that Xiaohai's academic performance has always been the top five in his class, and everyone praises Xiaohai for being smart. But every time we praise Xiaohai, Sister Zhao always educates Xiaohai in a serious tone in front of us: "Everyone praises you for being polite, and you are not the first. Don't feel proud and satisfied! "
The reason why Zhao Jie always educates Xiaohai in a "repressive" tone is that she is afraid that too much praise will make Xiaohai become complacent. However, what worries Zhao Jie now is that Xiaohai seems very reluctant to communicate with Zhao Jie, even saying, "Mom, I don't want to talk to you. Once I talk to you, I am not happy! " On the contrary, because her husband, Wang, has always been very gentle with Xiao Hai, Xiao Hai is constantly encouraged to participate in competitions and exams, or to play badminton with other children in the community. Words such as "Believe in yourself" and "I believe in your son, you can do it" can often be heard, so Xiao Hai is now very close to her and likes to discuss everything.
Obviously, I love children very much and want to maintain a good parent-child relationship with them, but children are always reluctant to communicate with their parents. "Why don't you tell your parents everything?" "What are you thinking?" "How can you succeed in the future if you don't listen to your parents?" These words often appear in the daily life of parents and children with bad parent-child relationship. As everyone knows, it is precisely because of these words that are not conducive to parent-child communication that it is difficult to maintain a good development of parent-child relationship. Just as Professor Li Meijin, a famous psychologist, summed up parent-child communication, that is, chatting with children requires skills, and some words must not be easily said, otherwise it will easily hurt children's hearts and lead them to think that they don't want to communicate further.
"How can you be so stupid that you can't do such a simple thing well?" This sentence is very common. Usually, when helping their children with their homework or finding their children making mistakes, many parents will make such criticisms on their children. However, in the long run, the result is that children will still make mistakes, and the more they scold, the worse. This phenomenon, psychologically speaking, is equivalent to committing a "label effect", that is, children often hear such comments from their parents and feel that they are like this.
Moreover, the child has been in this state of denial for a long time. In the long run, it is easy to become timid, afraid to do things alone, and have no confidence to believe that they can do it well. Inferiority and cowardice arise spontaneously. At the same time, it will also reject and escape this negative evaluation from the heart, and the direct performance is that it does not want to continue to communicate with parents.
In addition to denying children, many parents also like to compare their children with others. As the saying goes, "You see how smart people are, why can't you be like them?" . Perhaps parents will think that this is to motivate their children and let them have a goal to catch up with, so that they will always praise others and belittle and attack them in their words.
However, such demeaning and offensive words will not only greatly hurt children's self-confidence, but also make children feel inferior to others, thus feeling very inferior and insecure. At the same time, I will feel great pressure inside, which will affect my mental health.
The last sentence is also a sentence that makes children feel pressure and disgust, that is, "I am doing it for you, why don't you listen?" This sentence is not only a moral kidnapping, but also makes the children feel great pressure invisibly, and also reflects the parents' desire to control their children. In the hit TV series "Little Joy", the girl "Eiko" suffered from depression because of her long-term living in various surveillance and discipline made by her mother "for your own good".
Communication is an "art" that requires skills, and so is communication with children. As Professor Li Meijin said, "If you know how to respect your child instead of suppressing him as a parent, then you will find it not difficult to communicate with your child." It can be seen that it is not difficult to master the skills of chatting with children and have a good chatting process to achieve the purpose of education and enhance mutual intimacy!
Carnegie, an American interpersonal expert, mentioned in his book "The Weakness of Human Nature": "No matter on any occasion, respect should be a prerequisite for anyone." Even if the child is young and not sensible, he still has an independent personality, so he must get the respect he deserves.
Psychologists also generally believe that only when children feel the respect, understanding and acceptance of their parents in the process of talking with their parents can they continue to talk openly. Of course, in addition to giving due respect, don't label children at will during the conversation. There are obvious language attacks and belittles, such as "You are so stupid" and "You are so worthless".
Instead, children should be given more encouragement and affirmation. Even a simple compliment, such as "You are great" and "We believe you can do it". As the educator Spencer said: "Even if it is only 1 praise, it is far better than giving children 100 lessons."
Being a friend-like parent is far easier to enter the inner world of children than being an overly dignified parent, maintain good relations with children, and let children open their hearts and express their thoughts without any burden. To do this, parents need to constantly improve their conversation skills with their children and find the most suitable ways and methods to communicate with them!