When setbacks hit, ...
My friend's child was criticized by the teacher because he couldn't sleep at noon in kindergarten. From then on, at the weekend, after lunch, the boy timidly said to his mother, "I don't want to sleep, so don't let me sleep." For him, sleeping has become a difficult task and a heavy psychological burden. It has been more than two months now, and his mood is not much better. He is afraid of what the teacher said and being criticized for doing something wrong in kindergarten.
The friend asked worriedly, "Why is his mind so heavy? How can I get him back to his former state? How can I train him not to lose heart and overcome difficulties when encountering setbacks? I don't want him to be preoccupied and unhappy when he encounters a little setback. I want him to be a cheerful and strong boy. "
Eight suggestions on shaping "anti-frustration" children
Children who lack "anti-frustration ability" often attribute their setbacks or failures to some seemingly "unchangeable reasons": "I am too stupid, I just can't learn numbers"; Or "common reason": "I can't do this well, I can't do anything well"; Or "reasons for self-reproach": "I can't find friends in the new kindergarten because no one likes me." ..... and children with strong "anti-frustration ability" look at the problem in the opposite way. In their minds, frustration is only temporary and not necessarily their own fault.
Two 4-year-old children suffered the same blow and came home from kindergarten crying. One said, "Tintin won't play with his pickup truck because he doesn't like me. All the children don't like me. " The other said, "Tintin doesn't play with my pickup truck. He is too stingy. " The first child may need more help in "resisting setbacks".
Of course, different reactions to setbacks are also related to children's personality and temper, but as a parent, you are fully capable of helping children enhance their adaptability and resistance to setbacks.
1. Give your child a chance to encounter setbacks.
If you always put your child under your wing to help him stop injury and failure, then he will never learn how to bear the blow alone. Therefore, please restrain your impulse to "give him a hand" and give your child a chance to understand the setbacks.
During the spring outing, my mother and her three-year-old daughter walked together on a narrow mountain road. The mountain road is full of potholes, which is difficult for a child to cope with. But the mother did not hold the child's hand immediately, but let her stumble for a while, even watching her almost trip over a pebble. This is a clever mother who knows how to let her children experience life by themselves.
Older children sometimes take the initiative to refuse to try something new or something they think is difficult. But if your goal is just to "try" rather than "succeed", children will be more receptive.
Pengpeng, 6, was afraid to take part in the school piano competition at first, but his mother told him, "You don't have to rank, we just want to learn how to play when there are many audiences." Finally, Pumbaa happily took part in the competition, and his performance was still very good. The skill of smart parents is that even a failed effort will make their children feel that they have gained something from it.
Let yourself be happy first.
How strong a child's "anti-frustration ability" is, sometimes it depends on your own attitude towards setbacks. When you are rejected when looking for a new job, will you be furious and think that you are no longer qualified to find the good job you want? Or sum up experience and continue to meet the next new challenge?
In addition, a sense of humor is also very important. Parents who can face the ups and downs of life with a relaxed and humorous attitude will be a good example for their children. But I need to remind you that you can laugh at yourself, but never laugh at your children. At an appropriate time, tell your children about your own failures or embarrassing things you have experienced. Children will learn from your story that "mistakes and failures are always inevitable. They will make people uncomfortable, but sometimes they will bring good results."
3. "I will be with you!"
The source of children's self-confidence is not necessarily the first place in the exam, nor is it necessarily good at dancing or piano. Many times, a child's greatest sense of accomplishment comes from your treasure and pride in him. "I am the most important person in my mother's mind", which feels good.
Therefore, be sure to leave some time for your child and accompany him wholeheartedly. Whether it's the breakfast you make for him, the songs you must read before going to bed, or the half-hour game, you should set aside some time for your child from your busy life-even if you take him to the supermarket for shopping on weekends. When these hours become a habit of daily life, children will know that no matter what everyone is doing, no matter what happens in life, no matter how busy their parents are, they will definitely have time to be with themselves and solve problems together.
Avoid empty compliments.
Don't underestimate children's judgment and thinking ability. You can tell your child "your painting is the best" a hundred times, or tell him "everything you do is the best", but in fact even a very young child can know what he really does well and what he can't do well.
Five-year-old Niu Niu is very unhappy, because the tall building he built with building blocks collapsed again, and his 8-year-old cousin can build it tall and steady every time. Niu Niu's father comforted him: "The tall building you built is very good." Seeing Niu Niu is still not happy, Dad added, "Otherwise, Dad will build you one. Custody is stronger than my sister. " Niu Niu's father was wrong, and his way of comforting actually had no effect. What he should say to his son is not a reluctant compliment, but should tell him: "Sister is good, because she is three years older than you. When she was only your age, she wouldn't build a tall building. "
5. Give your child a chance to shine.
Although we just told you that you should honestly explain to those children what they obviously can't do well, on the other hand, you should try to find out what children are good at and encourage them to do it. If your daughter is always inferior to other children in arithmetic, but she is very talented in dancing, then you can say, "Although your arithmetic is not the best, you are the best in ballet class, and I know you like dancing best." Having full confidence in a certain field can help children better face setbacks from other aspects.
But don't force your child to study or participate in an activity because of this. Forcing a child who likes playing drums to learn violin, or enrolling him in extracurricular English classes when the child just wants to play games with the child, can only lead to more resentment.
6. What does failure look like?
Many times, it is often not the failure itself that brings the biggest blow to children, but his understanding of failure. Psychologists suggest that you try to do a failure analysis with your child: draw a circle on paper to represent failure, and draw a line on the edge of the circle to represent the reason for failure. For example, your son was not chosen to attend the party on behalf of the kindergarten. The reason he thought may be: "I am not as good as other children." But there are other reasons, such as "they need more little girls" or "they want to choose the best singers." This is not to teach your child to avoid responsibility-sometimes it is really the child's own fault that leads to failure. The key to doing this failure analysis is to let children see that the causes of failure can be changed by themselves. For example, I didn't do well in the exam because I didn't concentrate in class, not because I was dumber than others. )
7. Give "Effort" an A+
Teaching children to face success with a correct attitude is as important as teaching them to face failure. A psychologist at Columbia University once did an experiment: the scientist asked 400 first-grade pupils to take an exam, and then told all the children that his grades were good. But when praising children's achievements, scientists hold different views. They said to some children, "You are smart and you did well in the exam." To other children, he said, "You worked hard and did well in the exam."
A few days later, these children took another exam. This time, the scientists told them that their grades were not as good as last time. Faced with such a result, those children who were praised for their "hard work" showed good control and were willing to accept the challenge. This is because failure just means "not working hard enough" for them. Those children who are praised as "smart" seem to lack the endurance of failure, because they think that failure means "I am stupid".
So, when your child finishes a jigsaw puzzle for the first time, you should tell him, "I know you have been working hard. Congratulations on your success. " Instead of saying to him, "I knew you were the most capable." As long as the way of praise is adjusted, children can understand that success is to master a skill, not to show off a talent.
8. Encourage help
Children with strong resistance to setbacks-that is, those who can still move forward happily in difficulties-are often very responsible and caring children. Encouraging your children to care and help others is a good way to build their self-confidence and sense of independence.
Dr. Werner, a child psychologist at the University of California, conducted a 20-year follow-up study of 700 children born in poverty, and found that those who persist in adulthood are often willing to take care of others and provide help to others at an early age. When you help others, you will find your own ability-if you can help others change their lives, you must have the ability to change your own.
For older children, they can be encouraged to accompany their grandmother for a walk in the yard, and children can help with some simple housework. Dr. Varna told us that every child can successfully fight against the storm of life, and the key lies in whether you create suitable opportunities for him.