Family education must be pleasant and happy. What children bring me is always pleasant, beautiful and enjoyable, and I will never be angry. As long as you are angry, you must be wrong.
Are you willing to agree with this view?
This is not my opinion, but jane nelsen's. Jane nelsen wrote a book called Positive Discipline, but pain is meaningless, so if you have conflicts with your children in your life, you will feel that this matter is very competitive, and you don't know what to do, and you will often get into trouble. You must be going the wrong way.
My comment is that children are the reflection of parents. If the child has a problem, it is likely that the parents have a problem. Sometimes parents don't understand education and use the wrong educational methods, which is counterproductive.
For example, parents often make several typical mistakes:
The first is to communicate with children regularly.
Is there such a scene? If you do well, mom will give you something. If you don't do well, I'll cancel it for you. ......
Do you know what the biggest problem with this thing is?
How about parents having such an exchange meeting with their children all day? What's the problem?
You will greatly lower your child's self-esteem!
You will make children feel that they are a person without self-discipline. Anyway, what he does has to be managed by adults, and his only way is to bargain with you. Everything he does is that I want to meet your requirements as much as possible. Can you give it to me?
A person with self-esteem will not please others easily, so when a person's self-esteem is low, his self-discipline will be poor.
If you don't beg him, he won't study. If you don't beg him, he can't put down his mobile phone and keep playing. That's why.
Personally, I feel that the biggest gain from speaking this year's book is to find a universal law that I haven't seen in other books, but what I feel after reading many books is that a person's self-discipline comes from the level of self-esteem.
For example, do you feel that your self-discipline is poor? For example, if you promise someone in the company to write a report, you just don't write it, and then you just hang around there, just don't write it, and watch the biography of Zhen Huan with the remote control. Did you think highly of yourself at that moment? The lower you think of yourself, the more you stay where you are, because your self-esteem is very low. I feel inferior, it's already a pool of mud, that's why. At this time, you find that you can't discipline yourself at all.
So, how can we get up quickly and finish that?
The most effective way at this time is to stop criticizing yourself and get up and brush the toilet. You go to your home to find the simplest job, brush the toilet and clean up. You feel very happy after the toilet is cleaned. Then wash the dishes and clean the sink. When you clean the sink and the toilet, you will find that you will be motivated to write that report immediately.
Why? Because your self-esteem level improved at that moment, you feel that I seem to be in good shape today.
You see, this feeling of feeling in good shape is what we call high self-esteem. Your self-esteem level is high enough, and you find that you have enough self-discipline.
But look at our parents. Our parents are sparing no effort to lower their children's self-esteem and give them a heavy blow.
For example, we told you that "you are the best toy for children". When does it say the best educational opportunity is?
This is the best educational opportunity when children are doing the right thing. A child did the right thing. A child said, mom, let's go. Let's go to the class reunion. Don't be late. Did you do the right thing?
By the way, what did mom say? Mother said, "I have never seen you do this in your study." If you put half your energy into your study, you wouldn't be like this. Go and play ... "
Did you get a look at him? The child did the right thing. The child did the right thing at the moment and didn't want to be late. You didn't need this opportunity to shape his behavior of not being late, but you hit him in turn. That's what you are, so you keep lowering your child's self-esteem. Children think I am like this, I just have no self-discipline.
In this way, your excessive worry about him will form a curse.
This is a very common general law in psychology: excessive concern for relatives will form a curse!
Why are we so hard on children?
The reason is that we care about him most, so you won't feel a little comfort because your child shows so many advantages. You just can't stand it in your heart because of one of his shortcomings, because you are a primitive man at heart.
You primitive people are always afraid.
Primitive society makes you worry too much, and you are afraid of death all day, because primitive society will die every day, right? So that feeling has been left to this day. Can't you see you're dying of anxiety when you're stuck in traffic? Just the feeling of traffic jam is the feeling of death to you, just like being trapped in a primitive society.
In fact, you don't have that many chances to die now, but you are still treating people around you with the attitude of primitive people. Therefore, the closer you are, the more unlucky you are. Your children and your husband can't be bullied by you at all. The reason is that you care too much about him. So you need to know how to improve their self-esteem.
In love, the most important thing is self-esteem massage. Do you know what a self-esteem massage is?
The core of why a person falls in love with you is that after he meets you, he feels better and better. Everyone is looking for himself when he finds the other half. When I met you, I felt better and better. At this time, he will love you very much, because he thinks you have brought him this feeling.
This is the characteristic of all of us in love. When we first met, we worked hard, and then we made a mistake in a relationship. After making this mistake, we began to regret it, and then it became more and more serious. Finally, we will say, how did I marry him? Is my brain crowded by the door? ......
My comments on the compulsory and induced mode are the lowest level of security, and cannot guide children to pursue and make progress in Maslow's higher level of self-esteem and other needs.
Because we always use excessive worry to constantly hit each other's self-esteem and let each other's dignity decline. So if you want to get along well with your children, I advise you to do one thing first, which is to improve your children's self-esteem.
How to improve children's self-esteem?
Let me give you an example:
One day, Dudu played with me at home. I'm looking at my mobile phone. Dudu came over and said, "Dad, I want to see the points on your mobile phone." He plays games and wants to see the points.
I said, "I'm working, wait a minute", and then he said something. He said, "Dad, I swear I'll just look at the score."
This sentence made my heart thump. I didn't say anything at the time, but later I gave him my mobile phone.
When I was walking with him in the community at night, I said to him, "Dudu, what you said to dad today made him a little worried."
He said, "What words?"
I said, "When you asked your father for a mobile phone, you said you swore, so my father was worried."
He said, "Did I say that?"
I said, "You did it. Do you know why dad is worried about this? Because you don't need to swear when you talk to your father, your father will believe everything you tell him, so you don't need to swear. "
Then he was happy. He said, "I know".
Then at this time, I asked him, no one in my family said I called names, so where did you learn this sentence?
He said that all the students in our school are saying that if you want something from a classmate, you have to say I swear. ...
Well, it doesn't matter, because it's normal for children to learn something when they are socializing. It doesn't matter, but do you understand why I am so sensitive to this word as a father?
Because when a child says "I swear", it means that his self-esteem level has dropped.
Just to gain his father's trust, he said, I swear, this shows that he doubts the trust relationship between us, so I must tell him about it and tell him that you and your father don't have to do this. Your father will always believe what you say, so we should protect his self-esteem.
So when he said he wanted to play with his mobile phone, I said, let me make it clear to you first. There are two problems in playing with his mobile phone. Do you know what they are?
He said that the first pair had poor eyesight and the second pair was addictive.
I said, then you know why dad is worried. He said: "Don't worry, I will do eye exercises every time I finish my mobile phone. Secondly, I play five games a week, and I'll pay you back after five games. " I said good. Give him my cell phone.
Then he will keep calling and give me his phone after five games. There will never be any dispute about this. Why? Because he has self-esteem.
He knows that he is a self-disciplined person. Dudu is now bursting with confidence after listening to my lecture "Deliberate Practice", because he thinks I can do anything, and people like my dad can do anything in such a primary school.
Now I recite pi every day at home, and I have recited it to 120 after the decimal point. Then he studies math at home. He likes studying math. Now he has finished learning mathematics in Grade Three and Grade Five. Writing mathematical formulas on the wall and writing addition, subtraction, multiplication and division of fractions are all fifth-grade courses. I will test him, and he will know everything. I recite ancient poems and all kinds of things by myself. I learned a lot of poems from him.
Why? It is a happy thing for children to study at this age! Children will feel extremely happy to explore the world, but we adults make it extremely vulgar.
Tell me to be honest and study hard, right? You have turned it into a prisoner's attitude. His self-esteem is so low that he prays to you every day and asks me if I can play for a while and exchange this for something. ......
So you should not only learn to give your lover a self-esteem massage, but also learn to give your child a self-esteem massage.
How to do it specifically?
The only thing you need is to get rid of inertia.
The only thing you need is to get rid of the inertia you have accumulated over the past few decades and the harm your parents have deposited on you.
They treated you like this when you were a child, and you used to treat others like this. People who have no conscious power are the most terrible, that is, they hurt others without knowing it!
He used this inertial method to hurt others without knowing it.
So I remind myself every day that when I hear DuDu say that sentence, there will be a voice reminding me that this sentence is wrong and there is a problem to be solved. This is self-awareness.
Self-esteem massage is very simple, that is, when your child does something right, you should praise him, say why, and even praise can be deeper than exaggeration.
For example, if a child does something and you feel very happy, then you will say, "Dudu, you are great." What you did today lightened your mother's burden, which is good. "
This is to praise him and say why. But even this would not be enough What's the best way to do it? She said, "We have seen many children fail to do this. Mom feels really happy to be able to do this at your age. " .
His self-esteem level will gradually rise. He will think that I am a different person from others.
When I was discussing the Olympic Mathematics with Dudu, I was not afraid of him learning, because you know that children learn something challenging without pressure and it is easy to accept.
It's just that after we adults turned it into a terrible thing, the children felt terrible.
So I asked him, "Dudu, do you want to learn Olympic Mathematics?"
He said: "I don't think it is necessary. I am good at math now. "
I said, "But do you know that it will be difficult to take that test in junior high school in the future if you don't study Olympic Mathematics?" .
He said, "Don't worry, Dad, I think I can pass any exam." His self-confidence exploded.
He thinks everything in the textbook will pass, so why can't he pass the exam? He didn't expect the middle school teacher to give high school questions.
So I said to him, "Those teachers will test many things you haven't learned, and they will give you questions about junior high school and senior high school, so the adult society is very complicated." What do you think of this? " ?
He said, "Well, I'll start studying in the fifth grade, and you can sign me up for the Olympics class in the fifth grade. I think I can definitely learn it in more than a year. "
This is the same as my prediction. I know a senior. She scored zero in chemistry in the college entrance examination and got 96 in chemistry in a week. She is now in her fifties and has memorized the periodic table of chemical elements from beginning to end.
Why? Practice deliberately!
So as long as you have the spirit of deliberate practice, this is not a problem for children. You'll find that I'm protecting his self-esteem. I'll let him choose. That's why he is confident that I will be admitted to middle school and do well in other people's exams.
Now he has nothing to do but write a composition at home. When he was only in the third grade, he always wrote a 600-word composition and handed it to the teacher. The teacher didn't let him do it because he liked it, but to improve his self-esteem.
My evaluation of children's autonomous learning is not only self-esteem, but also the pursuit of recognition and achievement. Back to Maslow's pyramid of needs, even children are actively pursuing a higher level of self-realization.
Continue reading:
Fan Deng: Do you think family education is difficult? Then you must be wrong! (2)?
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