There is no way, in doubt, I communicate with Beibei's mother. Beibei's mother told me that Beibei lives in a big family. Grandparents, parents, uncles, aunts and brothers all live together. Beibei is 4 years old and her brother is 5 years old. Because I am young, I always quarrel. Every time Beibei beat her brother to tears. In adults' eyes, people who cry are the weak, so they never ask why, but always talk about her first. At first, she would argue a few words, and then she stopped talking, always angry and unconvinced.
After listening to Beibei's mother, I found the crux of the problem. The main reason is that parents and children don't communicate well and everything is preconceived. They think that those who are beaten are weak and should be protected, while those who beat people are of course criticized. Never ask the reason clearly, so that the child will not seek other ways to solve the problem, but will only solve the problem by force.
I introduced the method of parent-child communication to Beibei's mother-open listening. When I find Beibei quarreling with her brother, I can ask her first: "Do you think your brother made you angry, so will you hit him?" When the child listens to you, she will think that you don't blame her, so she won't contradict you emotionally, she will speak her mind. After knowing what she thinks, ask her opinion and see if there is a way to solve the problem without fighting. This will not only close the relationship with the child, but also help her solve the problem.
Beibei's mother decided to give it a try. When you find a problem, don't just blame it, but try to listen to your child's thoughts and then find a solution with your child. When Beibei was in the garden, I created opportunities for her to communicate with other children and let her express her feelings in time. At the same time, I communicate with my parents regularly to learn about Beibei's recent situation.
Many things happen, and Beibei is changing every day. Now, Beibei can not only actively communicate with others, but also help children solve some small things. She will smile proudly when she sees our admiring eyes, and those big eyes look more beautiful.
What kind of care do children need most? 1, too much interference brings helplessness to children.
For example, puppy love in adolescence, learn to communicate with children, and guide children to master communication methods and correct communication methods. You won't absolutely deny and interfere with your child's hazy feelings of the opposite sex, but you will also communicate with your child the consequences that will affect your study, so that your child can happily accept the friendliness of friends, face the problems in life, solve and overcome difficulties, and you will find that you have an excellent child! And this obvious thing, they will be curious to try? Therefore, when children are too curious, it may be that your interference creates more exploration and mysterious atmosphere for them.
2. High expectations bring despair to children.
Dear mom and dad, don't force your child on the grounds that "mom and dad are all for your own good". Sometimes, if you force your child to become a dragon, the dragon will become a worm. Therefore, it will always be within their power to correctly assess their children's abilities and potentials, as well as the goals envisaged for them. Communicate with children more, ask their thoughts and needs, and let them have more autonomy. Without forcing him, the exercise that encourages him to do things will be more valuable and effective than the benefits that children are forced to accept.
3. Overprotection brings incompetence to children.
Prodigies can't take care of themselves, girls can't protect themselves, and so on. In fact, we have heard many examples, so first of all, our parents should pay attention to the cultivation of children's self-care ability and frustration education: let your children "change" to be ordinary, which is not to abuse children, but to give them a safe living space. With a healthy body, there is nothing but a safe foundation! If birds want to soar in the sky, they must learn to fly first, right? So can he "release" an overprotected child?
4. Overindulgence brings ruthlessness to children.
Many parents are infinitely satisfied with their children's material needs, but indifferent to their children's spiritual needs, because parents always say, "I am busy making money because you have good conditions to live." But dear mom and dad, do you know? What teenagers need psychologically is more companionship and care. Spiritual things are sometimes more valuable than material things. When you are busy making money, your children are incompatible with others and even go to the opposite side. The problem lies with children, and the root cause is probably parents. So, do you think this kind of love is worth it? What kind of love do you think children really want?
5, too much blame, bringing children is at a loss.
For children, they need to be recognized psychologically and get a correct evaluation, more than eager for money and entertainment. Good children talk big. If you always tell your children how good other children are, it's not good for them! He will think that you don't love him, and he can't do anything well, so why should he work hard? Because it's wrong, and you love other children.
Looking at those exhausted children since childhood, dear parents, have you thought about what you want? People should learn to be willing to give up instead of expecting everything. Children are timid and impatient, and are often interfered and used by their parents. On the way of children's study, what they need most is not the supervision of teachers and parents, but the audience but applause. There are some things you can ignore in life, but there are some things you can ignore, and that is love for children. When children's love is reflected, they will have great happiness.
Parenting education: communication skills make children obedient. If you want children to listen to themselves carefully, you must understand their psychology and avoid the situation that children are rebellious when communicating. If you don't master communication skills, even if you are doing something good for your child, the child won't appreciate it.
Not long ago, I heard a mother say: I don't know how to talk to children. Yesterday, I said it was time to go out and play with children, but it was cold, so I should put on more clothes. As a result, the child will not wear it anyway. I finally told her that we can't go out if you don't wear clothes. The child was so stubborn that he finally rolled on the ground. I ignored her when I was angry. When she cried enough, it was late and the door didn't go out.
This kind of child's tantrums are found in almost every family. However, a lot of crying of children can actually be avoided. Then look at the mother's question above, we imagine two kinds of contrast:
In the first case, the mother said to the child with clothes in her hand, "Let's wear one more dress, it's cold outside!" " "Children in a rebellious period will have this situation:" I don't want to wear clothes! " "
In the second case, mom said, "Baby, get dressed and we can go!" " "Children often readily answer:" Good! "
Why are the two situations so different? The reason is that different communication skills are used.
Children's thinking is irreversible.
At first, the child's thinking was simple. When he is older, there will be a complicated development trend, but his thinking is still irreversible. The so-called irreversibility, for example, if you ask your child "who is your sister", he can answer it. If you ask "who is your sister's brother", he can't push it back. This is why the previous example has such a magical contrast effect.
In the first scene, my mother is expressing herself with her own thinking. Because it is cold, she should put on more clothes before going out. However, the child's thinking will not be reversed: Oh, it's cold outside, so put on more clothes. On the contrary, in the second scene, mom said, get dressed and let's go out. In this way, the child will automatically comb it from beginning to end, and it feels like this.
Therefore, parents often use the sentence pattern of "one … just", which can guide children to understand the logical order of events and make them easier to understand and obey.
Use uncomplicated causal reasoning sentences and avoid "if, then", because these sentences can't communicate well either because children don't understand or because they feel threatened.
Especially don't use "if you don't want it, I don't want it". For example, many mothers like to say, "If you don't listen to me, I won't take you out to play" and "If you don't eat, I won't give you snacks". This sentence pattern does not provide children with more choices, and it is easy to cause poor communication between parents and children, and always negative words, just like threatening children, will make children want to challenge the rules set by their mothers.
Our children live in a black and white world.
When children are young, the standard for judging everything is either black or white. This way of thinking will continue until the child enters adolescence. My friend's son is in grade two. He told me such an interesting phenomenon:
He took his son to the movies, and the son pointed to the hero and asked, is this a good person or a bad person? But there is no obvious difference between good and bad characters in the movie. So my friend told my son that this person is neither good nor bad. His son is obviously not satisfied with this answer. Before long, the son began to ask again: Now, is he a good person or a bad person?
Father has just come to his senses. So, in another way, I simply told my son that he was a good man. His son was relieved and satisfied. For children, they can't understand at all. There can be good and bad in this world, and there is neither good nor bad. Either good or bad; Black or white, this is the logic of children.
After the development of children's language ability, we will also find that children like to use extreme and decisive words such as "always", "never" and "forever", which stems from their one-way thinking mode at this time.
To this end, we must not be vague in the face of children. If you tell your child "I don't know", "Everything is fine" and "You can do this a little bit", the child won't understand. Therefore, if you can tell your child in black and white, say it in black and white. If you can't, don't say. This can help children establish a clear view of right and wrong.
Rebellious children especially don't like listening to nonsense. 1-3 years old is a hurdle for parents and children. At this time, the child is in a rebellious period. Rebellion doesn't mean that children are fooling around. Children have their persistence. Only when they find themselves unable to attract the attention of their parents will they become more stubborn.
/kloc-Before the age of 0, children have no language ability, but parents can talk more and be reasonable. Their tone is warm and peaceful, but children can understand and feel what their parents are conveying. In the face of 1-3-year-old children, parents should pay attention to what they say and be concise and clear.
Try to say less: "shall we go out now?" "Will you put on your shoes" and so on, because such sentences will only get provocative and negative answers from children. At this time, the principle of parents' speaking: say less no, say more about what you can choose, and don't talk nonsense with your children. For example, don't repeatedly say "You can't put your shoes here and there" and "Don't put your shoes on the bed!" The correct statement is: "You can put your shoes by the bed or on the shoe rack."
Secondly, there should be less moral preaching. The moral standards of the adult world do not apply to children in this period, and children's mistakes at this time cannot rise to the moral level. If parents use adult standards to demand their children, it will inevitably lead to another parent-child war.
Always pay attention to children's emotions first, because all children's emotions are reasonable, and children know the world through subtle feelings of skin and mind. They live in dreams and don't play cards according to common sense. But in any case, this is an insurmountable step in the process of children's growth. At this time, all children's emotions and feelings, no matter how outrageous and incredible, are reasonable and legal and should be respected. Parents must accept such children, not ridicule, indifference or rude obstruction.
Of course, children are not responsible for their feelings and emotions, but they are responsible for their actions. Therefore, if the child has made destructive behavior, parents must step in and help the child to vent his bad emotions in other ways through the establishment of rules and appropriate guidance.
Research data show that, except for a small number of children (about 10%), due to their natural temperament types, they will be difficult to raise and have a bad temper. 40% of the children are actually easy to raise, and the rest are in the middle. More often, parents have a bad temper and lack methods, but on the other hand, they feel that their children are different from their expectations and are not the children they want. Parents don't accept their children at first, and they simply "close their ears" to their children, let alone communicate well.
If you don't listen, it's your child's business first. Let the children know before making the rules.
Children begin to empathize after the age of 3, and can understand other people's ideas may be different from mine, which gives them reasons to communicate with others. Moreover, after the age of 3, children can understand the words of adults and have the ability to express their inner thoughts. Therefore, parents must respect their children's ideas and care about their initial socialization attempts.
We often see such a scene: parents take their children to the mall, and the children start buying this and that, and then parents will stage a willpower war with their children. In the end, of course, the parents won, and the children were labeled as "unreasonable".
In fact, this can be avoided. Parents can make an appointment with their children before entering the mall: you can buy one thing today, and we agreed to buy only one. If the parents didn't tell me in advance, the children didn't know that their parents just wanted to show me around and didn't intend to buy me anything. On the contrary, the child's heart is full of expectations. Finally, parents think that children are naughty and disobedient. What adults didn't expect was that maybe children would think that their parents were not good at communication and conversation.
In addition, parents should choose the right time and opportunity to communicate with their children when they are disobedient. Although children are young, children under one year old already have various emotions; Children over one year old already know how to bear grudges; Two or three-year-old children began to "lie" and even had high self-esteem. Therefore, treating children as adults, the premise of communication must be respect.
Why do parents always spoil their children? Based on this assumption, personality psychologists believe that not all children are self-centered. They try to find out which specific family training method is most likely to produce a self-centered young generation. In theory, it is harmful to care too much about the way children are raised, because extremely sensitive parents may raise children who think everything is worth it. For example, in a paper published in 20 14 by psychologists robert horton and Tana Triggi of Wabashi College in the United States, most studies show that there is a relationship between the parental rearing patterns of the participants and the personality they have now formed. Horton and Ritchie found that the more controlling parents, the higher the narcissism of their children. However, the memory of parents' high expectations and support can not predict children's existing narcissism.
This study, like other studies, examines the relationship between training methods and children's perspective. Because the scores of all training methods are based on memory, not observation. From this study, it is difficult to distinguish the causal relationship between this and a large number of literary creations. No one noticed how common parents' narcissism was.
When you consider this problem, as far as children are concerned, we have reason to believe that parents are narcissistic to some extent. By definition, your children are an extension of you. Even if you think it's because of nature, not because of your cultivation. You have invested a lot in your children, so the next step is how the children are reflected in their lives.
In life, children are regarded as a reflection of your abilities, values and even physical attractiveness from the moment they are born. It is for this reason that parents will spend as much energy as possible on a baby, and make the child fashionable by buying clothes, shoes and, if possible, some jewelry. Is it important for a baby to wear a designer jumpsuit?
From childhood to adulthood, in terms of psychology, parents have invested a lot in different aspects. From children's performance on the football field, to children's ability, to the admission qualification of famous schools, children are constantly reminded of how hard their parents are training them. Even on some unimportant occasions, parents know that their children are comparing with each other through their behaviors and characteristics. When you go to the supermarket to check out, several times you see a parent make a mess of their children. You are wondering, why can't they discipline their children correctly? Only some parents who are aware will ignore your contemptuous face.
To be sure, not all parents are narcissistic, at least, psychologically, they can't live without their children. Jennifer mccabe, a psychologist at the University of Iowa, made an impressive experiment. She counted a lot about the relationship between parents and children in Qian Qian: mother's personality and laissez-faire cultivation methods. Mothers with "internalized" characteristics (depression or anxiety) are unlikely to show a laissez-faire cultivation method, which is independent of their personality characteristics. In the literature, mccabe defined the laissez-faire training mode as follows: Parents who practice laissez-faire training can set some boundaries, but they will express their concerns as much as possible. Mothers who indulge in self-cultivation have the highest pleasant personality characteristics.
The change of mother's personality (and that of most fathers) may affect her specific methods of raising children. A well-educated, non-pathological and easy-going mother is the most tolerant, and perhaps the most qualified to say that she loves her children no matter what happens. At the same time, with the continuous growth and ability enhancement of her children, she also provides them with corresponding structures.
I dare to guess that even the most stable, easy-going and harmonious parents have a strong interest in their children. In fact, strong parents are likely to impose their vanity on their children. Parents believe that children should work as hard as themselves and must take care of themselves instead of accepting special treatment.
Another possibility is that caring too much about their children's guilt makes some parents force them to do something contrary to their previous wishes, and help their children no matter what they do. The more we educate parents who are afraid of becoming overly concerned about their children, the more they will influence their children's nature and give them the best emotion and body.
Generally speaking, I am not particularly concerned about evolutionary psychology, but I think parents need to exert some vanity on their children in order to make them feel alive. If we are worried about children's behavior, then we should also be alert to our own behavior and even need to pay more attention. What we are doing is to ensure the continuity of our humanity. This means that we need to spend more money on these future generations than we can afford, but this is only to ensure their achievements, not our own.
You turned your children into your own pirates? To tell the truth, parents should help their children discover their interests and specialties and encourage them to explore and deepen their favorite fields. But what parents in China usually do is not to make their babies special, but to become like others. Other people's children are learning English, so should we; Other people's children have piano lessons, so we can't fall behind. Like others, they will feel more secure, because China has always encouraged everyone to be mediocre, gregarious, consistent and unified.
An American, who is in charge of consulting overseas students, specializes in teaching China students how to apply for Ivy League schools. He said: "Harvard receives tens of thousands of students' applications every year, but only a few can be admitted." It is often not the best, but the most special. "He consults international students in China, and the annual fee is as high as10,000 yuan, mainly to help each child find his own uniqueness and build his own brand. For example, some children pay attention to charity, so they can find some creative ways of charity and gradually grow into "young philanthropists"; Some children like writing, so they can be encouraged to run a magazine for middle school students and invite students from various schools to contribute. He said: "If you want to stand out from thousands of application materials, you have to make yourself different. First determine what you like, then focus on it, no matter how trivial it is, give full play to your strengths in this field, show your unique self and promote your mental health. "
I have been a judge of several baby contests. To tell the truth, most children are ugly and bored in the audition stage. Hundreds of children either recite Tang poems, all of which are "the bright line at the foot of my bed"; Either take the model step and have exactly the same posture and expression; Tell a story or shake your head, it's all the same.
In fact, every child has his own interests and strengths, but in family education, parents' understanding of interests is very narrow. For them, except for mainstream hobbies such as painting, music and dancing, everything else is nonsense-all the possibilities that children originally had have been stifled.
Two children were interested in insects when they were young. Both of them like "fabrice Insects" and go to the community yard to play every day. Observing ants on the ground, catching grasshoppers in the grass, and taking caterpillars home for research-one of the children was reprimanded by his parents and could only read books, learn arithmetic and play the violin at home every day. A few years later, he successfully grew into a dull child with dull eyes. The other child got the full support of his parents. They accompany their children to various insect museums, collect butterfly specimens and take DV photos of spiders. Now the children have formed an insect interest group in the class and published an insect handbook regularly every month. He is responsible for photos, words and typesetting. It is said that this summer vacation, his family plans to go to Butterfly Valley in Taiwan Province Province for a detailed investigation.
When I was volunteering for the college entrance examination, many students came to ask me, "What major should I apply for?" I said, "First consider what you like." Most of them replied that they didn't know what they were interested in or what they were good at-parents should be responsible for their children's lack of interest and professional knowledge. In college education, because I missed all kinds of sensitive periods of my child's childhood, I didn't take the time to discover the unique part of my child's nature, and I didn't help my child to enlarge his own specialties, and turned my child from special to mediocre. Parents only need to have several characteristics such as blindness, conformity and laziness.
There is a saying that everyone is born original and slowly becomes pirated-and we parents often become pirated producers carelessly.
The ability to live independently is more important than children's grades. In today's society, what needs to be changed most is parents, not their educational concepts. So, what should the correct family education be like? Children's educators point out that parents should help their children build a good life platform, so that children can have a good personality, know how to behave and know the true meaning of success.
As a modern parent, do you know how to educate modern children? Many parents think that family education is to develop children's intelligence, that is, to let children recite Tang poems from the age of two or three and learn English at the age of four or five. After going to school, you must have tutors and remedial classes, and your grades must be among the best. You must go to a famous university in the future. It seems that only in this way can parents' education succeed and children become talents. Practice has proved that this is a great misunderstanding of family education and a bad consequence of continuing education in family education. The most important task of family education should be to build a great wall of children's personality and develop their mental health.
Imagine if a child lacks knowledge of life (he will have suicidal thoughts when encountering setbacks), has no ability to dream (he doesn't know what he wants to do in the future), doesn't know how to protect himself (he is still abducted by farmers after becoming a doctoral student) and can't share with others (he is rich but unhappy). So, what can he do even if he is the first in all subjects?
What needs to be changed most now is parents, not their educational concept. So, what should the correct family education be like? Parents should help their children build a good life platform, so that children can have a good personality, know how to be a man and know the true meaning of success.
Only when parents' educational ideas change can our children receive a good family education and benefit for life.
The first key: how to make children establish an optimistic attitude.
1. Accepting reality is the first step towards optimism.
2. Cultivate an optimistic personality and let children face the misfortunes in life calmly.
3. Let the children keep a normal heart.
If children spend a lot of energy on anxiety, they can't play their innate ability.
Humor seems to be a unique skill, but in fact it is a great skill.
The second key: let children learn to be grateful and know how to be tolerant.
1, being narrow-minded will only make children suffer for life.
2. With love, you have the motivation to seek knowledge and beauty.
3, pranks will "get into trouble" and guide children to correct in time.
4. Eliminate the cruelty of children in time.
5, know how to be grateful, will grow.
The third key: cultivate children's courage to face setbacks.
1, the child is fragile, teach him to face up to failure.
2. Cultivating children's willpower can't be ignored.
It is difficult for children unfamiliar with setbacks to integrate into society.
4. Replace inferiority with self-confidence.
Always blame the child for his failure, and the child will become "incompetent".
6. Praise your child, but don't overdo it.
The fourth key: teach children to protect themselves.
1, teach children some safety knowledge and deal with injuries calmly.
Children who depend on their parents will inevitably degenerate.
Children are in danger of being swallowed up by life at any time because of their lack of social skills.
4. Overprotection equals "injury"
5. Improve the child's "immunity" and face the temptation calmly.
The fifth key: let children dare to dream.
1, have a dream to create.
2, don't reprimand the child's "dream talk"
3. When a child has a dream, urge him to take a step towards it.
Rejecting the "why" asked by the child is equivalent to cutting off the wings of his thinking.
5. Be kind to children's interests
6. Creative children often have a Mercedes-Benz mind.
The sixth key: with the development of children's good communication skills.
1, only children who know social etiquette can have good relationships.
2, children are good at talking, which can best attract the interest and attention of others.
3. Respecting others means respecting yourself.
If the child dares to admit his mistake, the mistake has been changed by half.
5. Cooperation ability is more important than knowledge.
6. Children who know how to listen have personality charm.
The seventh key: teach children to use money reasonably.
1. The sooner children learn to use pocket money, the easier it is for them to earn money when they grow up.
2. Properly handle the children's lucky money.
3. Develop the habit of saving so that children can benefit for life.
It is better to teach people to fish than to teach them to fish.
5. Correct children's psychology of blindly comparing.
The eighth key: help children know themselves correctly.
1, encourage children to communicate with others actively and eliminate their loneliness.
2. Long-term shyness makes children prone to inferiority complex.
3, learn to appreciate others, will appreciate yourself.
4. Let children discover one of their own advantages every day.
Only by knowing how to "give up" can you gain something.