"Double parents" phenomenon: the elderly take care of their lives, and parents treat their babies as toys.
In China, intergenerational parenting is nothing new, but with the first generation of only children born in 1980s becoming parents, the phenomenon of "double parents" and the problems arising from it began to stand out.
The phenomenon of "double parents", that is, grandparents are in charge of life, and parents go to training classes or go out to play; One is a "parent" in life, and the other is a "parent" or "playmate" in spirit.
The proportion of elderly people with grandchildren reached 66.47%.
According to a survey conducted by the China Center for the Aged, the proportion of elderly people in China who help their children to take care of their grandchildren is 66.47%. Children before the age of two and a half are mainly taken care of by grandparents, accounting for 60%~70% of the total, and even 30% of children are raised and taken care of by grandparents. After the age of 3, most children go to kindergarten, and the proportion directly raised by grandparents will drop to about 40%.
The post-80s generation is the first generation of only children. They have shouldered the expectations of their families since childhood, "they can only succeed but not fail." In the process of growing up, they often feel depressed, nervous with their parents, think that family life is difficult to have fun, and feel anxious about how to raise their children well. On the other hand, due to the increasingly fierce social competition, the post-80s parents themselves are also under great pressure in their lives and work.
In this way, to a certain extent, parents born after 1980s will give way to grandparents to take care of their children, instead of consciously thinking that they are taking their children to training classes or going out to play. In fact, children have become two different parents: parents who depend on life and parents who are required by the outside world.
The most typical phenomenon is that in some post-80s families, children sometimes become parents' "toys". Young parents go home, dress up their children in various images and then take photos and put them online. But there is not much care in life.
The intergenerational support conflict of two generations' educational concepts.
The post-80s generation is characterized by poor living ability, but most of them have received higher education. Life depends on parents, but there are great differences with parents in educational concepts, which will naturally lead to differences and conflicts. At this time, the post-80s generation will project the contradictions and problems with their parents into the relationship between their children and grandparents, which makes it difficult to reconcile the contradictions.
Children are in conflict for a long time and are prone to self-destruction.
Children who have been in intergenerational conflicts or parental conflicts for a long time will be challenged in their personality development and may develop false selves. False self refers to a person suppressing his own opinions, thoughts and emotions. Long-term expression of false self will lead to lack of hobbies, depression syndrome and low sense of self-worth, and in severe cases, it may make people commit self-destructive behavior.
At the other extreme, there are conflicts and contradictions between adults, but every adult will continue to please the children, which makes the children finally unbearable.
expert opinion/advice
Don't have emotional conflicts in front of children.
How to reduce the harm caused by conflict to children?
First of all, grandparents should obey their parents' roles and opinions, otherwise children will be easily shaken. As parents of the post-80s generation, they should take more roles as parents, instead of treating their children as "toys". Before the age of 3, parents had better spend three hours with their children every day.
Secondly, don't have emotional conflicts in front of children. If there are contradictions in children's daily life, they can discuss them calmly and reach an agreement with each other. At this time, it is best to understand the child's growth stage and needs first, rather than simply using new or old parenting methods. Don't have emotional conflicts in front of children at any time, and children will not be able to balance themselves at this time. It doesn't matter whether we can talk calmly, but if there is an emotional conflict, the two sides should end it immediately and find a suitable time to discuss it.