"Dad, I borrow one day from you and play with me once. When I grow up, I will pay you back 100 days. " This is the appeal of a child who longs for his father's company. Whenever he sees other children happy with their father, he hates his father very much. When "who do you want to talk to most", only about 7% of children choose their father, and as many as 63% choose their mother. Where's China's dad? My father, who is responsible for supporting the family, said, "I am too busy to work." Sun Yunxiao, an education expert, said: "This phenomenon reflects the general problem of contemporary family education-the lack of paternalism." Sun Yunxiao, deputy director of China Youth Center, has been engaged in children's education and research for more than 30 years. On the 4th, Sun Yunxiao pointed out in an interview that fatherly education is indispensable and irreplaceable. Fathers have an inestimable influence on children's growth, and fatherly love is related to the formation of children's personality. Lack of fatherly love is like the lack of "calcium" when a child grows up. Dad stayed with me for a day, and I will pay you back 100 days later. "Dad, I borrowed it from you for a day and played with me once. When I grow up, I will pay you back 100 days. " This is a child's appeal to his father. His father is a long-distance bus driver. He goes out early and comes back late every day, and sometimes he doesn't even go home for several days. The child has never had a father since he can remember. Father is busy with work, never having a Children's Day with his children, even forgetting his son's birthday. The child said, "On Children's Day, I saw other children having a good time with their father, and I hated him very much. I want to ask dad, does the earth really stop turning without you? " This matter is not a case. The lack of fatherly love education has become a prominent social phenomenon. "Men are the masters outside, and women are the masters inside", which is a popular view in society at present, and children's education is automatically classified as "the masters inside". Many men are busy with their work and think that making money to support their families is their greatest contribution. However, this "credit" is far less than the father's concern for himself in the eyes of children. As long as you observe carefully, it is not difficult to find that when the school holds parent-teacher conferences, two-thirds of the participants are mothers. Sun Yunxiao had communicated with many fathers, and he found that these fathers assigned the task of educating children to their wives without exception, because "men are outside, women are inside" and educating children belongs to the category of "inside". These fathers gradually became "loving fathers", regardless of children. Shanghai Children's Research Center once did a project on "Children's Heart". According to the survey, when children are asked "who do they want to talk to most", only about 7% choose their father, while the proportion of choosing their mother is as high as 63%. "Many national surveys also show that the proportion of children communicating with their mothers is more than 20% higher than that of their fathers. China's family education is changing from the traditional strict father loving mother to the strict loving father, but more fathers don't care about their children and are arranged by their mothers. " Sun Yunxiao said. There is another phenomenon among fathers who care about their children. Some fathers hold strict father's traditional view of loving their mothers, lack fatherly love for their children, and treat their children severely and coldly. Sun Yunxiao said: "Whether a father is indifferent to his children or severe and indifferent, it is a manifestation of his father's lack of education. Although this phenomenon has not become a common phenomenon, it has become a prominent problem in family education. " The cowardly father knelt down to his mother, and his daughter, Sun Yunxiao, received a letter from a female middle school student asking for help. She was shocked and at a loss because of the dislocation of her parents' family image. The girl's father is kind, but her mother has a bad temper. Once, the girl invited her classmates to dinner, and her mother handed over the task of booking a hotel to her father. But when my father booked a hotel and told my mother, my mother flew into a rage because she felt that the hotel was not up to standard. To the girl's surprise, her father slapped himself and knelt down to ask for forgiveness. However, the father beat the blood out of his mouth and failed to calm the girl's mother's anger. Seeing this scene, the girl was shocked. She can't accept that her usually kind father has become so weak, and she can't accept that her gentle mother has become so fierce. "Fatherly love is an indispensable nutrition in family education, and the increase of fatherly love is also a good phenomenon. But the crux of the problem lies in what a loving father should do. " Sun Yunxiao thinks that, by contrast, if the father is gentler than the mother, it will subvert the parents' educational responsibility and break the situation of combining rigidity with softness in the family, but the mother will become impatient. "The problem of husband and wife is an educational problem in the eyes of children. Such a deformed family will make children fear the future marriage and even distort their personality. Parents should respect and understand each other in front of their children and cannot belittle each other. " Sun Yunxiao said. Nowadays, appreciation education is popular in society, and it is considered that good children are "boasted", so many families subvert the tradition and love their fathers and mothers to become the mainstream. Sun Yunxiao thinks that the double affection from parents may bring another kind of lack of fatherly love, because education without punishment is not a complete education, and there must be a person who says "no" to the children at home, which is more suitable for the father. Mothers take care of their children in every possible way, while fathers are extensive. When dealing with children, fathers usually pay attention to the big ones and let go of the small ones. Although the father doesn't talk much, he is a little more dignified in the children's hearts. Therefore, it is more appropriate for father to say "no" or to carry out punishment education. However, Sun Yunxiao particularly emphasized: "Punishment is by no means equal to corporal punishment, it can't hurt you. It is not psychological abuse or discrimination, which makes you feel embarrassed and hurts your self-confidence. Punishment is a double-edged sword and a dangerous and difficult educational skill, which will hurt people if it is not done well. I think the more punishment, the more respect we should have. " For adolescent children, father's education is particularly important. Experts have found that in different stages of children's growth, parents' division of labor and influence are different: in infancy, mother education is the main thing; After attending primary school, parents' responsibilities are divided equally; After entering middle school, father education is the main thing, because at this time, father's influence increases and mother's influence decreases. Adolescent children want to be independent and can't stand the subtle control of their mothers. At this time, the father's looser control is welcomed by the children. Children who lack fatherly love are anxious and lonely. Father is the road sign of children's growth. Paternity education not only affects the formation of children's personality and the normal development of gender roles, but also affects children's intellectual development and physical growth. Fathers usually have rigid qualities such as independence, self-confidence and tolerance, and children will learn their father's behavior and personality characteristics in daily life. Fathers use their own behaviors to guide the formation of children's personality. Research shows that children who have at least two hours of contact with their fathers every day have more harmonious interpersonal relationships, enterprising spirit and adventurous spirit than children who have less than six hours of contact with their fathers every week. A questionnaire survey on the personality and behavior characteristics of more than 2 100 primary and secondary school students in five provinces and regions of China also shows that those children who spend a long time with their fathers are easy to gain more knowledge, experience, creative consciousness and imagination from their fathers, which is conducive to their curiosity, thirst for knowledge and self-confidence. Father's cultural quality has an influence on children's self-control and thinking flexibility. The contact between father and son will also affect the child's physical growth. Father will accompany his children to do some outdoor activities or games, and also do some housework with certain skills and physical strength. These seemingly insignificant things directly affect children's physical growth. Studies show that children who have more contact with their fathers develop faster in weight, height and exercise than children who have less contact with their fathers, and their probability of developing dysplasia is lower. In addition, the father's role in family education has a great influence on the normal development of children's gender roles. Boys often regard their fathers as role models for future development, while girls learn how to get along with men and women by observing their parents. According to Sun Yunxiao, some researchers believe that children who lack fatherly love are prone to emotional disorders. Most of them are anxious, inferior and weak in self-control. Even as adults, they will have many bad habits. Scholars call children's depression, loneliness, waywardness and dependence "fatherless syndrome". Parent-child time, quality is more important than quantity Father's education is related to many aspects of children's growth, but the father also bears the responsibility of bringing home the bacon. How to strike a balance between busy work and family education, Sun Yunxiao thinks: quality is more important than quantity in parent-child time. "If you don't understand and respect your children, even if you are with your children every day, there will be barriers between father and son and between father and daughter. Under the premise of fully trusting children, a note and a text message will also let children realize their father's concern, and children naturally understand their parents' busyness. " Sun Yunxiao explained. What can busy fathers do to avoid the lack of education and have close feelings with their children? Sun Yunxiao said: "A father should have a sense of responsibility first. With this awareness, he can educate his children seamlessly. For example, when sending children, tell them something about the road; Discuss state affairs with children while watching TV, let children express their opinions and so on. No matter how busy a father is, he should learn to show his love to his children. A smile, a hug and a compliment are easy for a father, but for a child, he can feel his father's concern for himself. "Lack of fatherly love is like calcium deficiency in children's growth. Therefore, Sun Yunxiao suggested that fathers should be fully aware of their responsibilities and support their children's growth with fatherly love.