This incident also reflects the branches of family conflicts and the common differences in children's education.
This problem can be called "intergenerational education".
China is one of the few countries in the world where "intergenerational education" is widespread.
According to the survey, nearly 50% of the children in China grew up with their grandparents. The younger the child, the higher the proportion of living with grandparents. With the formation of the aging trend of society, the phenomenon of intergenerational education is becoming more and more common. Under the pressure of life, study and work, how to undertake the responsibility of family education has become a social problem.
What is intergenerational education?
Intergenerational education corresponds to parental education. Old people play an extremely important role in children's education, from primitive society to today, from royal aristocrats to ordinary people.
According to the survey of "intergenerational education" conducted by the Family Education Committee of China Education Association, nearly 80% of urban family ancestors participated in the upbringing of their children. In Shanghai, 50-60% of children aged 0-6 are in intergenerational education. In Guangzhou, half of children receive intergenerational education, while in Beijing, as many as 70% children receive intergenerational education. The younger the child is, the higher the proportion of living with grandparents, and this phenomenon is even greater in rural areas. According to the data, in the past twenty years, only about 5%- 10% 18 years old children in the United States lived with their grandparents.
Intergenerational education has its special advantages.
However, intergenerational education also has obvious shortcomings.
"I feel that my grandparents are very fond of my children. When they lose their temper, they cry, and they will immediately go to coax them. When I want to go to education, my grandparents always want me to let him come, and communication is useless. We are also embarrassed to say more, afraid that the elderly will be unhappy, but the children's problems are also increasing, which is really confusing. "
"Usually we are busy at work, and most of them are brought by the elderly. Now we have many contradictions about children's education. For example, when children come home from school, the elderly always buy snacks for their children. We say it's not good for him to make noise and eat snacks. We also taught the children not to make noise and asked grandpa to buy snacks, but it didn't take long for grandpa to continue to buy snacks for the children. As for children, they are increasingly neglecting our education. If you need anything, ask grandpa. "
"When we have time, we will play games with our children, read picture books, let them participate more when doing housework, do what we can, and exercise their independence. But my father has always opposed us to do so, saying that children should have more rest and eat and sleep well. When we are away, we will show our children cartoons for a day. As soon as we go out to play, we let the children ride in the rocking car, and we directly help them finish what they should do. Children's habits are getting worse and worse. "
I believe many people have experienced this. Grandparents often have a child-friendly attitude. When educating children, they will pay more attention to emotions rather than dealing with them, thus excessively accommodating and protecting children, blindly taking children as the center, and meeting children's requirements regardless of specific time and place, even unreasonable requirements. This kind of concern will turn into doting, but it will make children form a self-centered way of doing things, thus hindering their development.
In the study of grandparents' and parents' educational thoughts, compared with parents, grandparents will agree with the view that "in order to maintain their authority, parents can't criticize themselves", which leads to less reflection on their own problems when educating their children. The inconsistent education method put forward by parents is that they are also more likely to conflict with their parents because they are willful.
"P-O-X theory"
1958 psychologist Hyde put forward the "balance theory" of interpersonal relationship, also called "P-O-X theory". P stands for the cognitive subject-H children, O is another person connected with P's parents, and X is another arbitrary object connected with P and O's grandparents. Equilibrium theory assumes that the equilibrium state between P, 0 and X is stable, which will make people feel peaceful, while the unbalanced state between them is unstable, which will make individuals feel psychologically nervous. Only when the relationship between them changes and the balance is restored can this tension be eliminated.
Therefore, in family relations, if there is a contradiction between parents and grandparents who are related to children, it will lead to psychological tension of children. In order to eliminate this tension, parents and grandparents need to maintain a positive relationship.
What adverse effects will grandparents' and fathers' different educational methods have on children's growth?
In a contradictory environment, children will feel insecure, resulting in anxiety, which will not be eliminated for a long time, affecting the healthy growth of body and mind.
Parents' requirements are strict, grandparents' requirements are low, and grandparents even interfere with their parents' requirements, making children feel that the standards of the two are different, and there is no reference standard, which makes children feel at a loss.
Although conflicts are not directed at children, they are all caused by children. When children unconsciously project, they will think that it is because of me, that I am not doing well enough, that it is my own problem, or that I am not loved, resulting in self-denial, which will lead to tension, anxiety and depression in the long run.
What should be done to eliminate this contradiction?
It is normal for two generations to have differences of ideas. If there are contradictions and differences of opinion, we need to communicate with each other to resolve differences and choose the best way to educate our children. You can try to organize family meetings regularly, speak freely and share your thoughts.
When educating their children, grandparents should distinguish between caring and doting and moderate love from a rational point of view. When children explore the new world, they should be supported and encouraged to take the initiative to initiate certain actions or behaviors to solve their own problems.
Children's first teachers are parents, and their influence on children is far-reaching. Parents should realize that intergenerational education can only be a supplement to parenting education, and the family environment without parenting education is incomplete. Parents should clarify their responsibilities, put more energy into them, treat their children with a positive and correct attitude, and guide their children to grow up healthily.
First of all, we need to know a truth. Don't treat "intergenerational education" as a scourge. The old man just used the wrong way to express his love for our children.
It is best to live separately and take care of the children independently. If we can't live separately and have to help parents educate their children, contradictions will be inevitable. The solution is actually very simple, just like we encounter other thorny problems, we should deal with them by solving ideas, find out the problems, find ways to deal with them and solve them.
On the premise of giving respect and filial piety to the elderly, we should communicate with the elderly on an equal footing, patiently explain the reasons why we think children should be educated, and reasonably convince the elderly. Looking back, in fact, the old people are so accommodating or submissive to our children, and they feel that they gave us too little when we were young to compensate for the missing of our next generation.
The biggest problem of "Separate child care" is "er", because it involves our next generation, so we often take ordinary problems seriously. The older we are, sometimes we look like an old child, stubborn, extreme, rebellious and out of control. So while solving the problem, try not to hurt the heart of the "old child".
First analyze the problem:
1, parenting problem: the older generation is short of material resources, has never eaten or has some paranoia about what to eat and play with. Now our food is rich and colorful, and all kinds of snacks emerge one after another, which not only dazzles young children, but also dazzles old children. All kinds of snacks, fruits, toys, etc. I feel that sometimes children don't see it, and older children have to point to something and ask, "Do you want to buy this?" Not to mention what children ask for voluntarily.
2. Education: The biggest headache is that when educating young children, older children will help, slap, cover up and blame, and indiscriminate education while we are away will lead to the formation of bad characters and habits of young children.
Let's consider the solution:
1, it is better to argue than to argue.
Be sure to make it clear to parents that snack toys or wrong education methods will have a bad influence on children, and advise them not to buy or teach indiscriminately in the future, and not to blame them indiscriminately. I also want to tell them that crying is a means for children. Don't be too strict with children when they cry. Don't be afraid of children crying, and we won't blame you for making them cry.
2. When educating alone, give yourself and your children an independent space.
Don't educate children when our parents are around, especially when it is very important and requires strict education. Go to a room alone and tell our children why. You can be strict, but don't use verbal violence to avoid scaring them.
3. Make rules.
Talk to parents about which education or management they are responsible for and which we are responsible for, which complement each other. Children gradually know who needs permission to do what they want. For example, if a child wants to eat fish instead of meat tomorrow, he will tell his mother-in-law that if he wants to buy snacks or toys, he needs to ask his parents for permission.
Sometimes, our parents' educational methods also have some merits. At this time, we need to strongly identify with them and make them feel that helping us with our children is not just cooking like a nanny. Moreover, our attitude towards parents is a mirror to teach children how to be filial.
Therefore, to resolve the contradiction of "intergenerational education", the most important thing is to respect filial piety, reason, stress art and not get angry. In fact, it is very important that whether we or our parents are raising children, it is for their own good.
With the full opening of the second child policy, more and more young parents will give their children to the elderly at home for upbringing and education because of objective conditions. Intergenerational education has also become a problem that many families have to face. In fact, intergenerational education has both advantages and disadvantages. Parents should have a correct understanding of intergenerational education, and two generations should understand each other, improve their shortcomings and do a good job together.
First of all, let's talk about the benefits of intergenerational education:
Contradiction and communication:
The disagreement between the two generations is the main source of contradictions and differences in intergenerational education. What should young parents do when conflicts arise?
Parents should not point out the mistakes of the elderly, otherwise there will often be unexpected results. For example, if you don't want the old man to feed the child, don't directly point out to the old man, "Mom, how many times have I told you not to give this thing to the child? Why not listen? " . Put it another way, for example: "Mom, you have worked hard today, remember to rest more. Today, I heard from my colleague that she gave the child XXX (you don't want the old man to feed the child), and the doctor said that eating this is not good for the child. " It is easier for the elderly to accept it from another angle, and the elderly are willing to correct it.
We can communicate the parenting methods recognized by both parties in advance, and both parties can reach an agreement, which can greatly reduce the chances of conflicts in the future. At the same time, when there are problems in communication between two generations, special attention should be paid to avoiding children to minimize the adverse effects on children.
Finally, a few words of advice to the young parents of Momnet:
1, please face up to intergenerational education, which is not necessarily bad. When there is a problem, two generations can sit down and communicate well. There is no problem that communication can't solve. Looking at the problem from another angle may have unexpected effects.
2. Second, learn more about the elderly. At this stage, they should have enjoyed their old age and lived a comfortable life after retirement, enjoying flowers and fishing, and how to be comfortable. But in order to let young people work hard for their careers, give up their comfortable old age and take care of their grandchildren. Please cherish your parents who help you take care of your children at home, understand them more and respect them.
It is very important to grow up with children, and it is irreparable to miss children's childhood. Now is the Internet age. I hope that young parents will come out of the nothingness of the network and must start from life in a down-to-earth way. Children are your work. If this work is not cultivated well, its influence will be lifelong. Broken machine parts are not replaceable. There is no second time for a child to grow up. I hope parents will pay special attention.