The most beautiful gift in life
When I was a child, I heard a story about begging for food with a silver bowl. It is said that three fathers often went to the temple to pray for their sons, which touched the Bodhisattva for a long time. One day, they were also invited by the Bodhisattva to choose one of many treasures and return it to their son. The first father chose a silver bowl with precious stones, the second father chose a carriage full of gold, and the third father chose an iron bow and arrow. The son who got the silver bowl is keen on eating and drinking every day, the son who got the golden carriage likes to show off in the market, and the son who got the bow and arrow hunts in Shan Ye all day. Many years later, all three fathers died, and the son who loved to eat and drink sat on the mountain, dug up the jewels on the bowl and sold them. Finally, he had to beg for food with a silver bowl. Zhang Yang's son lost Zhang Yang's capital and stripped a small piece of gold from the golden horse cart every day to exchange some food for a hard life. The son who can hunt has developed a good hunting skill and often comes back with prey. There is wine, meat, clothes and food at home.
This simple folk story has profound implications. As parents, it is not reliable if we only leave our children some consumable wealth. Only by leaving some productive wealth to children can we be truly responsible for their lives.
With the development of the times, the concept of gold and silver is still basically at the level of material wealth, and there is no essential change, while the concept of "bow and arrow" needs to be redefined. So, at present, what is the most reliable gift we can give our children to ensure their happiness and health all their lives? In my opinion, it is mainly the following three things.
The first is reading.
I believe that parents have different specific expectations for their children now, but everyone's first expectation and final expectation are similar, that is, they hope their children will be healthy and happy for a lifetime. What can be achieved through the function of "education" is to give children good intelligence first, and then good psychological quality.
There may be some innate differences between people in intelligence, just as there are some innate differences in height and appearance between people; However, the space for shaping intelligence is much larger than that for shaping physical appearance. Reading is the most important technical means to develop intelligence, which has been confirmed by modern psychological research.
Its principle, first, people think in language. And what is the best way to get a good language, that is reading; Second, learning new knowledge depends on the existing knowledge background. Any reading can broaden a person's knowledge and enable him to acquire knowledge beyond his daily life. A person's intelligence level must be positively related to his reading. Suhomlinski, an educator in the former Soviet Union, said: "A child who does not study is a potential poor student in his studies." This is an important conclusion he reached after years of research and observation in the front line of teaching.
Reading can not only shape children's intelligence, but also shape their psychological quality. Because any book, as long as it is a good book, is often full of feelings of truth, goodness and beauty, and its core values must be positive. These things will have a subtle influence on children. A child who has experienced rich social life from reading, listened to many intelligent languages and shared countless thinking achievements will have more mature thoughts, more perfect values and a better realm. Even a popular science book will have a good influence on children's psychology. Because many moral and consciousness problems, fundamentally, are actually intellectual problems. It is difficult for people with insufficient intelligence to be full of wisdom, and only with intelligence can they have the ability to think and reflect. From this, we can also draw the third function of reading-reading can repair psychological trauma.
Almost all people have some kind of childhood psychological trauma when they grow up, and the difference is only the severity. Parents and teachers may hurt us unintentionally, and life and fate may be unfair to us. Some people can overcome these injuries, while others have been hurt all their lives in the shadow of injuries. A person who has established an interest in reading since childhood will have better self-salvation and self-realization ability. This is also based on the intellectual and psychological good foundation brought by reading mentioned above.
Of course, reading cannot be strong enough to solve all educational problems. It takes only one pick to tear down a house, but many tools and means are needed to build a house. Teaching children is the same, reading is very important, and other factors should be combined.
The second treasure parents and teachers can give their children is "freedom".
The word "freedom" has not yet become a consensus in our education circle, and the public still has too many misunderstandings about it. Whenever I talk about giving children freedom on different occasions, I will always be questioned. The skeptics will always understand freedom as "laissez-faire" or "lawlessness". It shows how naive our understanding of freedom is.
Giving children freedom does not mean leaving them alone, but it means that you must give them "three rights": the right to choose, the right to try and the right to make mistakes. Afraid of children making mistakes, we should give directions in everything, ask children to do according to their own ideas, and criticize them once they fail to try. Such parents are powerful parents. The more they "care and give" their children, the more they will be deprived of their free will.
Freedom and respect are two sides of the same coin. When the whole society is talking about "respecting children" but there is a blind spot in the concept of "freedom", respect actually becomes an empty talk. Philosopher Fromm said, "Without respect, love can easily degenerate into domination and possession." A child who is controlled too much loses the opportunity to explore and know the world, and also loses the confidence to know and adjust himself. He will gradually become a slave to his bad habits from a "servant" under the authority of his parents. Bad habits are the shackles that bind him and make him miserable.
A person, first of all a free person, can become a conscious person.
The pronoun of freedom is not indulgence, but a choice and judgment. Children have the ability to choose the healthy things they need, and have the ability to resist all the falsehood and fragility in life, so it is a kind of strength. A truly happy child is a truly free child. They seem to know the boundaries of behavior by nature.
And a lawless child, his behavior is only indulgence, not freedom. His indulgence is the result of repression and the failure of choice function, so it is anti-freedom. Such a child, his heart is fragile, he is actually living in fear, because he has lost control of himself.
Whether children can be given freedom is the touchstone for parents and teachers to express their concern in a measured way and educate their children in quality. Only when adults emancipate their minds, re-recognize freedom and understand how valuable free will is in education can they give the priceless treasure of "freedom" to children.
The third gift is "setting an example".
If our first gift to our children is "reading", it is completely reflected in the children themselves; The second gift "freedom" appears in the relationship between adults and children; The third gift is for adults themselves.
I often receive letters from parents saying that when my children are playing with their children, they always hit others. It is useless to reason, and it is useless to hit them. What should I do? Others said: "The child has a bad temper, and I know this is related to my bad temper. How can I get rid of my child's bad temper? " There are many parents who hold this robber logic. They only see the child's fault in their eyes, but they can't see that they have set a bad example for their children to hit people when they are angry. Parents tell their children by actions, far more than words.
Rousseau, a thinker, said that the three most useless educational methods in the world are: reasoning, losing your temper and deliberately moving. These three methods are exactly what many parents and teachers are keen to use at present. How well we ancients said, "Words are better than examples", these six words are well known, but how many people will use this as a mirror to reflect on themselves and practice it cautiously?
Parents who live in vanity can't teach their children practical and mean teachers, and can't teach their children tolerance. And an elder who truly respects his children and gives them healthy care, where does he need to tell his children the truth of "respecting the elderly"? Setting an example for children is not only what you look like in front of outsiders, but also what you look like when you get along with children. You may be cautious in front of outsiders, and you may pretend that children generally can't see it; How to get along with children is the most direct and effective teaching material. Everything you can teach your children is written in it.
Parents and children are the deepest relationship in life, and we are willing to give our children the best things in the world. Now everyone has basically reached a consensus that giving children a good education is to give them the most reliable wealth. But under the concept of "education", the difference between parents is often huge. This difference is mainly not the difference of identity, status or education level, but the difference of educational means. Different ways to distinguish whether you give your child a silver bowl, a golden carriage or a good bow.
Therefore, no matter whether you are in the city or the countryside, poor or rich, high-ranking officials or civilians, you can give your children the best education-cultivate their interest in reading, give them room to grow up freely and set a good example for them-which is the most precious wealth that every parent can give to their children and the best gift in life.