1
Oranges are almost 9 years old. Over the past six months or so, a word has popped up in his mouth: "No"-I don't! Don't! No way! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't!
I understand that saying "no" means that oranges have a stronger sense of self and a clearer sense of boundaries-this is my business, my choice, and I don't have to listen to your opinion.
With some relief, some entanglement and some firmness, I am also trying to do my homework-practice saying "yes".
Buy clothes with oranges and let him choose for himself. As a result, he chose a pair of pants close to sapphire blue.
I said, "This color doesn't match. Are you sure you want to buy this? "
The orange nodded: "The pants you bought me are all dark. I want to wear bright colors. " . I'll take this one. "
"Why don't we look at other pants?"
"No, I want this."
Ok, then buy it.
It's almost ten o'clock at night and it's past bedtime. The orange tossed and turned in bed for a long time, and got up with a grunt: "Mom, I want to paint for a while."
"Yes, it's up to you, but you have to get up early for school tomorrow, so hurry up."
"I see."
Half an hour later, I washed it out and saw the orange still lying on the table, absorbed in painting. I didn't rush him, but reminded him, "Look up, don't be too low. I'm going to bed. Look at the time yourself. "
After a while, I heard oranges packed their stationery and went into the house to sleep.
2
Not long ago, the state between us was not like this.
I was stubborn since I was a child. Many things have to be done according to their own wishes, even if they know how to do it properly, they are unwilling to put down their face and are quite unyielding.
In the first few years with oranges, I was also like this, and I was used to letting oranges follow my thoughts.
I remember once, when Orange was over two years old, I was very angry about one thing. The orange sat on the ground and cried, "Mom, hug me."
I can feel that the orange wants to reconcile with me, but he can't let go of his little self-esteem.
I kept a straight face: "No hug."
"Mom, come and hug!"
"I won't go there."
The orange cried and came to me. Another * * * sat on the ground, stretched out his arm to me and cried and said, "Mom, give me a hug ..."
Now I think of the stalemate between our mother and son at that time, and I still feel very distressed at that time. Why am I so tough?
But I didn't realize my problem at that time. I thought it was a bad habit of pulling oranges.
Until I found out that as oranges grow up, I have to ask for instructions when I go to the toilet: "Mom, I want to shit!" " "
Until I found out that oranges didn't know when they became smart, but they just stuck to their guns. As soon as I got angry, he said, "Mom, don't be angry. I'll do it."
Until I found out that oranges inadvertently showed stiff expressions and restrained body language when playing with children.
Every discovery makes me uncomfortable. I don't want oranges to be like this. I don't want him to be so smart, so stiff and so concerned about other people's attitudes. I hope he is free and has a relaxed personality, even if he is naughty.
I realized that I had to change. In this way, the orange's character will be affected-in fact, it has been affected.
three
I began to learn, to change, and to do my homework-boundaries and respect. Start with small things and try to respect the wishes of oranges.
He wants to buy blue pants, ok.
He doesn't want to sleep. He wants to paint. All right.
Want to exercise his communication skills, let him ask the way, he doesn't want to go-well, no.
His lips were cracked, red and painful, and he didn't want to apply ointment until the third day. Tell him to paint for another day to consolidate it. He said it was ready and he didn't want to brush it. Well, then don't draw.
No more nagging and reasoning, no more making him obey in an angry way, no more imposing his will on him, just telling him the possible consequences of each choice and letting him make his own decisions. Then, calmly and sincerely say "yes" to his decision.
I have worn blue trousers two or three times, and now I don't wear them. I wonder if they match their clothes.
I painted until late at night, and woke up in the morning, still refreshed.
Without ointment, his lips began to hurt again the next day, and he knew he needed to consolidate.
……
I accept these results calmly, whether they are good or bad. If necessary, sum up your experience of eating oranges, or say nothing. Pay attention to your words and never say "Look, what did I say" or "I told you, but you didn't listen".
Unconsciously, oranges changed, laughing more often, being naughty more often, and speaking in a more confident and calm tone, and began to stick to their own views and say "no" more and more times.
four
I see these changes in my eyes, I am happy in my heart, and I am very pleased with the changes I have made.
However, the homework I want to do will be upgraded soon. The theme this time is "submission".
For the little things in life, I can respect the wishes of oranges. But what about something bigger?
Not long ago, the teacher chose oranges to play basketball. He didn't want to go, saying that playing basketball was boring and he didn't know any classmates. It was not fun. Father orange introduced himself and described to him how to play basketball in an interesting and attractive way. However, the orange refused to go.
A performance club that Orange Jun has been thinking about for two years finally waved to him. This club has many opportunities to perform on stage, which is a very good opportunity. I didn't expect orange's interest to shift and I didn't want to go. I'm terribly sorry. After persuading for a long time, orange still said "no"
You see, we agree to respect his choice, but only on the issue of interest classes, I am a little uneasy.
You clearly see that this matter will have an impact on your child's future. Seeing that the child's decision is too limited to the present, you can't take a long-term view like you. If you follow his instructions and miss this great opportunity, will you still respect your child's choice?
I hesitated, too. Is it irresponsible for him to let him go blindly?
five
I've thought a lot about this matter and gradually cleared my mind.
Orange is a sensitive child. Before, my control over him was already a kind of repression. Now, I want to protect his free will as much as possible. After all, in the long life, having a cheerful and sunny personality is much more important than learning more skills.
If I can only choose one thing between wishing my children happiness and success, I will not hesitate to choose the former.
More importantly, when people reach middle age, they have experienced some things, seen many twists and turns, and experienced ups and downs. I have a little more respect and obedience to life.
In the face of life and destiny, I gradually realized my personal limitations and insignificance, and also understood the true meaning of letting nature take its course-focusing on the present, doing my best, and resigning to fate.
However, I inadvertently regarded myself as the child's "God", as if I could plan ahead and arrange his fate.
I see farther than children, but life sees farther than me. For everyone, life has its own arrangements.
Things change, white clouds are pale dogs. Ten years ago, we couldn't imagine what we are today. Ten years from now, who will know what we are like? What we can grasp is to do the right thing at this moment.
What I can do now is to learn to trust my child, respect his choices as much as possible, give him room to grow up freely, cultivate his ability to make choices according to his own heart, and let him grow up to be the most like himself.
I believe that everyone's heart is kind. Learn to listen to the inner voice and respect it. His choice will not be too bad.
six
There is a girl whose family strongly opposes her boyfriend. However, the more she opposed it, the more determined she became. After several years of stalemate, the family had to follow her and say leave her alone. When the resistance disappeared, the girl hesitated and felt that her parents' opinions were really reasonable. After several hesitations, she finally broke up.
There is also a girl whose parents disciplined her too much and too strictly since she was a child, and she was suppressed to the point of losing her feelings. For many years, she didn't know what happiness was and what sadness was.
The "prescription" given to her by the psychologist is to do three things according to her own wishes every day, even if it is such a small thing as eating, but it is best to go against her parents' wishes. In other words, let her grow up slowly by saying "no" to her parents again and again.
Life always takes some detours. When I was a child, I took a lot of detours. When you grow up, you have to take a big detour.
When children are young, the cost of trial and error is low, and mistakes can be tolerated. When he grows up, he will face more and more choices, such as choosing a major, choosing a job, choosing a partner, and making choices at every node of his life. The cost of trial and error will be higher and higher, and some even take years or even decades.
Let the child make choices at an early age and allow him to try and make mistakes. Slowly, he will know who he is, what he likes, where the boundaries of things are, what are the pros and cons, and learn to make his own choices.
If you let your child blindly follow his own wishes under the banner of "I am doing you good" and don't give him a chance to try and make mistakes, he won't know what he really wants, and he will lose the proper limit of getting along with the world.
When he grows up, he has to make his own choices. His choice may not be out of his own inner will, but for rebellion. In other words, his ego is too weak to make a choice in the face of the adult world, and he can only passively accept the choice.
Say back to yourself. Frankly speaking, respecting children's own choices, I ask myself that I can't fully do it now. Small things are okay, big things, I will worry, I will struggle, I will be anxious.