1: companionship is very important.
We all know that companionship is very important, but how can companionship improve the quality? The topic "Accompanying children needs wisdom" presents us with a set of "packages". If you are at the same table, please keep warm. If you are a companion in the game, please participate creatively; When talking with children, the most important thing is not to say but to listen; When you study with children, please be moderate. Don't learn from the father in The War between Father and Daughter-Twelve Years Together. That hurts! At the same time, don't forget that "love begins with companionship" and "accompanying children should start from an early age". I hope that the adult girl in this article (very capable at work, but unhappy because of lack of self-confidence) will never appear in your home!
A child said, "Mom and Dad, can I come to your home as a guest?" Oh, isn't that his home? Why does he feel this way? Left-behind children are crying from the heart,' Mom and Dad, I miss you. "Come back!" But now, I'm used to living without my parents. Does this make us sad?
Please also remember two sentences in Zhang Mo's "How important it is to take drugs to see parenting companionship": "If children always have love in their hearts, their resistance to temptation will be enhanced", "In the first 20 years of children's growth, you must not miss accompanying children", because "the debt owed to children will be irreparable in the future"!
2. How troublesome it is to grow up
Don't look at the small one, he is very careful. Have you ever heard of the Declaration of Children's Anger? "I am a good boy, but if adults rush me impatiently, I will go from bad to worse! If you let me do it in my own way, we will live in peace! " Alas, there is quite a momentum of "majestic mountains and rivers"! In fact, he had to. Who asked us adults to "suppress" him all the time? He also has his own troubles. What about "how much trouble have you caused the children?" See if there is any trouble caused by 13?
A child began to "muddle along" with his homework, and his mother kept urging him. Because it was useless, he "earnestly" warned: "Mom is for your own good!" The child said with grievance: "This is not good for me!" Making me happy is good for me! "What the hell is going on? It turns out that our concern is incompatible with the child's desire; It turns out that there is no change from "I want to learn" to "I want to learn"! No wonder the child is unhappy!
Say one more thing. A girl of 18 years old is pregnant. She found a media and asked the program group to help her find a gynecologist, but she didn't want to tell her mother about her difficulties because "I dare not, she will kill me." I listened to my aunt's voice on the show, and I think you will help me. In her heart, relatives are far less intimate than strangers!
In "Ignorant Parents Refuse Sex Education to Brew a Tragedy", when the child 12 years old, he was sexually assaulted by his relatives and became pregnant two years later. When the mother asked her why she didn't tell her, the child said that she had asked her sex-related questions many times and was reprimanded by her. Do you think you can blame the children?
I remember Zheng once said, "What is a qualified parent? No matter what happens, the child will tell you the first time. This is the standard for qualified parents. " It seems that only by communicating with children on an equal footing and being their friends can children treat you as friends and tell you what is on her mind at the first time! With this idea, how to become friends with children without saying a word is really a science!
A mother warned her two-and-a-half-year-old child: don't talk when eating, get up early in the morning, go to bed early at night, greet people when you meet them, and don't watch TV for too long ... As a result, the child got angry and jumped back with his mother's words for more than an hour! Shine on you is better than blue! In fact, "what a child needs is a mother, not a truth"! Motherly love is more important than reason!
It is understandable that parents have the desire to make their children and their daughters prosperous. However, when we put our expectations on their children, please pay attention to their feelings and reactions. In "Don't Kidnap Children with 100", the first-grade children cried and begged their mothers: "I am always nervous when I do a problem, and I am always afraid that I won't get 100. Mom, I can't get 100, okay? I am really scared now 100. " If you don't pay attention to the child's inner feelings and make the expected adjustments according to the child's psychological reaction, it is likely that you will accidentally pull down the curtain of tragedy! The jumping point of teenagers jumping off buildings is in childhood. The three real examples mentioned at the beginning are all related to learning. So, don't plant a time bomb in a child's heart when he is young!
3. Parents are bitter.
Have you ever told your children about your hard work? No matter how hard it is to raise a child, he never complains, but does the child know? If you don't let your child know and understand at all, it will make him lose the opportunity to learn feedback and gratitude! No wonder he is so selfish and unfilial! Because love is help, letting children know themselves is equal to helping children grow up. In order to cultivate the good quality of caring for family members, sometimes we have to cultivate selflessness through selfishness.
Sometimes, life is not bitter, but education is bitter. The baby really doesn't worry you. It's time to go to kindergarten Look at him crying. "Let children enter the park without anxiety" What are you thinking? Then look for six coup in the article, so that you won't be so anxious yourself.
Babies grab toys when they see them, and they don't know how to be humble. You're worried that children won't be sociable and unpopular. In fact, as long as "struggle and concession are in the right direction", the problem will be solved!
Baby, some bears may be worried about "how to educate Xiong Haizi". Don't worry, please take a look at the experts' three suggestions: first, improve the comprehensiveness of children's cognition; Second, improve children's empathy; Third, improve children's self-control.
Baby, muddling along is your biggest headache. 100% of parents want their children to get up quickly, but while we are constantly urging their children to "hurry up, hurry up", have we stopped to reflect: Is the child slow, or is the child disrupting his own pace of life, or is he disrupting his own pace of life? Who told parents not to stop? Why do we have to ask our children to keep up with their parents' rhythm, instead of respecting their rhythm and slowing down appropriately? Please respect the child's dawdling! A "returnee" mother in Wuhan, Hubei Province, "strictly guard against negative social information" because she was worried that her 5-year-old son would be adversely affected, and even stopped the cable TV at home. What a good intention! However, can children really be cultivated in a "vacuum"? In fact, such "shielding education" magnifies the risk of children's growth. This kind of overcorrection may not be beneficial to the growth of children. But in life, how many parents have been doing something similar to going too far?
When the child is older, there is nothing to say to us. It was not like this before! My heart is bitter! Then, please think about how ordinary people communicate with each other and how they become familiar from strangers. Knowing the five levels of communication, you will know how to communicate between parents and children, and you will be able to break the ice and "enter the inner world of children". In addition, don't think communication is too difficult. "Four strokes to establish a high-quality parent-child relationship" is not a difficult problem. There is a sentence in the article that is worth recalling: "It is an understanding to know why children are happy and sad;" It is a kind of wisdom to be happy for children's happiness and sad for children's sadness. " I believe you want both understanding and wisdom. Right?
4. Parents should practice what Gorky said: "Love children, even hens can do." Mom thinks it's many times bigger than a hen. So, do you really understand the meaning of "mother" In The Greatest Education is Mother's Emotional Peace, experts tell mothers three words: "virtual", "weak" and "soft". In other words, mothers should not be too real, say whatever they see, and even point out their shortcomings immediately, but be "virtual"; Mother should learn to show weakness. If you are weak, your children will be strong. Mom should use soft skills. The softer kungfu is, the greater the educational power is.
Maybe you will be confused. If you don't point out your child's shortcomings, should you tolerate them? Of course not, it depends on whether we teach children art. Among the eight ways to correct children's shortcomings, experts in Dong Jinyu put forward: "Pay attention to children's benign behavior" and "praise children's smallest improvement behavior" ... every sentence is true and worth pondering.
I once said to my parents: "the advantage is the sun, which illuminates the journey of life;" The advantage is that the spring breeze drives the spring of life; Advantage is the seed, which breeds the inner spiritual energy ... "In a family, if each other doesn't like each other and is surrounded by accusations and complaints all day, then the family has no positive energy. Look at how the mother in the article "It's not difficult to talk about the advantages of others" guides her children and husbands to talk about the advantages of others! Suddenly remind of the writer Bi Shumin's article "Remind Happiness". It seems that to have a harmonious and happy family, family members should also learn to remind the advantages!
We don't always want to change our children. The real effective change is to change our parents themselves. Let's look at the nirvana rebirth of successful parents! He and Jia suffered a major crisis in their lives more than ten years ago: their son was addicted to online games, learned from the bottom, fought several times, and was dismissed from school twice; The wife wants a divorce; Physical illness, mental breakdown. He realized that there were only two ways before him: either stubbornly looking at what he saw, clinging to deformity and heading for destruction; Either reinvent yourself, rebuild your life and move towards a new life. He bravely chose the latter. After studying hard on family education and deep reflection, I finally found happiness: after nearly two years of hard work, my son was admitted to a national key university, and his family was harmonious and his body slowly recovered. In order to awaken more parents to change, Jia dedicated "Ten Reasons to Change Parents Before Changing Children" to readers. All articles are cautionary words!
Parents always think that their children are disobedient and rebellious, but a junior two girl is so angry with her nagging parents: "Is it useful to read those broken books taught by tutors all day?" Didn't you say that if you learn, you will change? Where did you change it? This is not the usual swearing, but what else can you do? "Oh, my God, isn't that outrageous? However, when we calm down and think about it carefully, our parents are still the same after studying family education, and continue to nag and swear. The child was angry when he pointed out the problem, and scolded the child for talking back and meddling. Is this attitude also rebellious and disobedient? In fact, children want us to grow up and hope that we "don't be rebellious parents in the eyes of children." When we grow up with our children and complete the "transformation", our parents will not rebel and our children will not rebel.
5. Clever family management
Speaking of family, we all know that good parent-child relationship and husband-wife relationship in the family are conducive to family stability and harmony, but do you know that an orderly position in the family is also more conducive to family stability and harmony? Bert hellinger, a German psychotherapist, mentioned in The Order of Love in the Family: In China's family sequence, mother and son rank first, not husband and wife, that is, the relationship between mother and son is higher than that between husband and wife; The family order observed by westerners is that the relationship between husband and wife is the closest, followed by children and parents. Mother and son are the heads of China families, which not only leads to a bad relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, but also puts children first because of their birth. As a result, the wife ignores her husband, and such a family is prone to crisis. In addition, because there is no sense of boundary between mother and child, the mother is too dependent on the child emotionally, which leads the child to try to get rid of the mother's control when he grows up, thus making the relationship between mother and child stiff. This is worthy of vigilance and attention!
In the key to family happiness is "respect", a wife is full of grievances: "At home, I always pay, pay and pay again! But my husband has a heart of stone Why can't you see my pay and pain? " Later, after studying family education, I realized that I had too many opinions and dissatisfaction with my husband and didn't respect him. So she decided to change herself and wrote down the process of change. Guess what the experts say: "This is trying to change others in the cloak of changing yourself." What's the problem? It turns out that the wife's opinion of her husband is only superficial recognition. It was not until one day that her husband said something that she suddenly realized: "Wife, I have always loved you and my daughter. I still don't understand. Should I be controlled by your thoughts and actions because I love you? " This is probably the best negative interpretation of "respect". Finally, the expert concluded: "Many people keep hitting a wall and taking detours in solving children's problems. Finally, they find that they still can't get around the only way of' the relationship between husband and wife is more important than parent-child relationship', and finally they have to go back to the original point and solve the problem of husband and wife." That's great.
In addition to respecting each other, I also believe that when children are present, they must not blame each other and save face for each other. This is also to safeguard the authority of each other in educating their children in the future. If this sentence can't attract your attention, please see for yourself the lethality of training your husband to your children. We may say to our children, "Be nice to your mother." "You should be kind to your father." In fact, the best gift a father can give his children is to love his mother. Similarly, the best gift a mother can give her children is to love her father.
6. Inventory error rate
I remember Teacher Gu Xiaoming said: "In family education, the educational error rate of parents is often as high as 90%." We made mistakes in education because of carelessness. For example, children are one step behind in their studies and then step by step. Why? Did you protect your child's "first domino"? As you said, this is because you didn't protect your child's first domino. There are many firsts in children's lives. What attitude you take towards your child's "first time" is related to what the child will develop into in the future.
Many children want to be praised by their parents often, but one child praised by his mother is unwilling: "I think it is particularly bad for you to praise me in front of others." You are bragging about your son. " Is there anything wrong with mom's compliment? Experts in Meng Qian helped her analyze: You just want to achieve a certain goal by "boasting", but as a means, "boasting" as a means is essentially different from really appreciating children!
Also, what do you do when you see children often peek at adult websites and even find that children masturbate so often that they are addicted? If you say "I don't like you like this" and "I won't allow you to do this" without thinking, you will soon find your preaching useless! Because you don't know your children at all and don't know the truth. Therefore, experts remind us that "don't blame when you see your child's predicament" is the real help for children.
If I ask you, how long have you cursed your children? You will say angrily: What are you talking about? How can I curse my children? Wait, I didn't say this sentence, but a spiritual teacher from a western family education story center asked his parents. Parents' children have been away from home for three or four years, and the father has never said a good word to his son before. In the words of spiritual masters, they are cursing children. Parents' fists, sarcasm, sarcasm, nagging, complaining, etc. They are all curses, because none of them are pleasant to hear, and these words always make children feel good! Therefore, to establish a close parent-child relationship, please throw away the "curse" and replace it with a blessing, and talk well!
Traditionally, obedient children are good children, right? However, last year's South Korean shipwreck will bring us some enlightenment on parenting. Don't let children get hurt because of "obedience"! Because, obedient, sometimes children will be in danger; "obedient" and "good boy" often can't hear their inner voice; Obedient children are the most vulnerable. If you read this article, do you still want your children to be 100% obedient
If your children get excellent grades, do you feel relieved and happy? If the level of Excellence is lower than before, do you feel lost again and even want to criticize your child? But you know what? Children with excellent grades need more support. Because these top students want to go up a storey still higher, or want to keep their original excellent position unchanged, so as not to fall down, the pressure is even greater; At the same time, because they feel good about themselves, they are often shrouded in praise and Excellence. Once the aura is gone, they are more likely to be depressed. Therefore, they need more care and support from their parents.
Many parents think it is necessary to cultivate their children's sense of competition from an early age, right? Is it good or bad for children to be competitive? This seemingly long-term idea is actually short-sighted. When children's attention shifts to all kinds of "comparison" things, the power of self-growth begins to disperse, and the anxiety caused by competition will consume children's energy more and make their hearts more depressed. A child who is too competitive is actually very fragile inside, because he cares too much about winning and success, and he can't afford to lose! look
Guidance should be good.
The children will enter the park. Do you have "five biggest headaches for children entering the park"? For example, children's separation anxiety, whether they are used to eating and living after entering the park, whether they will fight with children, how to get along with teachers, how to fully understand the situation of children in the park and so on. I believe these are all your concerns, but you don't know how to do them. Then, ask an expert to tell you. For example, with regard to sharing anxiety, the key issue to be clarified first is to separate where the anxiety comes from, and then consider what to do and what not to do.
The child is going to primary school, how to make the child adapt as soon as possible? How to make children develop good study habits? First of all, we should start with the concept of "infinitely believing in the potential of children". Secondly, it is better to take "three escorts" to help children learn. In the process of companionship, you may wish to refer to "Seven Points for Counseling Children's Learning" and "Eight Suggestions for Making Children's Homework Easy", which I believe will help you.
We care about children's academic performance at home and their performance at school. What if one day, the child's "teacher wronged the child?" How do you enlighten children? Don't worry, let's follow the experts in the article and think about these two questions first: First, is it normal for the teacher to wronged your child? Second, should children be wronged?
If one day, how can I convey the teacher's complaints? Tell the truth or hide it? Look at the whole psychological process and solution shown by the mother in the article!
Sometimes, we hope that teachers can care more about their children, but teachers don't know about their children. How can I introduce them to the teacher? Advantages or disadvantages? Good parents are good at publicizing the relationship between teachers and students, which tells us two points: first, be good at publicizing and sponsoring children in front of teachers; Second, in front of children, we should be diligent in "selling" and "rounding up the field" for teachers. Good parents are building a rainbow bridge for teachers and students, and the better. If one day, your child is arranged to sit at the same table with a "bad boy", will you worry that your child will not study well? Isn't there an old saying that "those who are near Mexico are black, and those who are near Zhu Zhechi are black"? Then, please ask yourself a question first: "Are you really responsible for your child's growth?" If the answer is yes, it is necessary to enhance the adaptability and discrimination to the environment, rather than isolating and shielding the environment or information. When the child's "immunity" is cultivated, it means "don't worry about the child making bad friends."
Finally, I borrow a passage from the beginning of this book: "Nowadays, parents are looking for a good prescription and a coup. There'd better be a quick way to become a' good boy' tomorrow. Unfortunately, parents always want to change their children and never want to change themselves. " Yes, we always want to change children, but forget to change ourselves. If this book can bring you even a small change, I will cheer for you! Not because of how powerful this book is, but because of your high understanding and strong willingness to change. The only thing that drives you to make up your mind to change is your favorite "child"! The children are actually calling for our change!
I hope "Don't lose in family education" will accompany you and me through the confusion of education and move towards a clear sky!
Accompany children, starting from childhood.
I once met a company manager in a group counseling class. He asked the teacher why he was able to talk and laugh with Kan Kan in social occasions, and laugh and laugh with friends, and threw out his own plan at the planning meeting with confidence. However, when he turns to face himself, he sometimes feels lonely, helpless and lonely. The teacher asked about his growth experience, only to know that his mother died of illness six months after his birth, and the nanny brought him up. Young life lacks maternal love, and the insecurity left by the unsatisfied desire for attention will stay in the bottom of my heart with the subconscious mind, leaving a hole in my soul.
Another girl is a middle-level supervisor of the unit. She is smart and capable, but her self-evaluation is always low, and she always feels that she can't. She went to seek the help of a psychologist, only to know that her parents were very busy at work when she was a child, and she always had to take out money to send her to her relatives' homes during school holidays. From an early age, she felt that her parents were unwilling to take care of her and didn't pay attention to her. Therefore, when she grew up, she was never confident in herself.
Children get enough maternal love in childhood and will have a sense of security and self-confidence when they grow up. Mothers are the source of children's childhood beauty, love and security. A little pink baby was born, and my mother gently held it in her arms. The happiness that only my mother can feel filled my heart. Although that little life is still a "passive" little guy at the moment, you will find how much the baby needs your attention. Not only do you need to take care of his food and sleep, but he also needs your smile, your response, your lullaby ... Although he can't speak yet, he will feel every concern of his mother. Your caress and smile can make the anxious baby calm down gradually. He will cry less and be quieter at night. This is because the baby has a sense of security, and at this time his brain's anxiety response system automatically shuts down.
He has just been born in this brand-new world and can only communicate with his mother in his own way. Maybe a little voice, a gesture or facial expression, and a look are all hints from the baby to his mother. Try not to leave the baby alone at this time. Mother's company can soothe the baby and give him moderate stimulation, otherwise the baby's head can only be blank. After the full moon, the baby spends more and more time awake. At this time, he is very happy to play with his mother.
Psychologists say that in the first 15 months, a child needs a loving face to accompany him, a mother to caress him, help him, and concentrate on reflecting and affirming his hopes. Every time you pick up the baby, change his diaper, bathe him, feed him and smile at him, he will feel that he belongs to you and you belong to him. No one in the world can give him that feeling except mom, no matter how skilled he is. Mother's gentle eyes will be the core and foundation of children's psychological self-regulation in the future. In those days when there is no language, children experience everything through feelings, and the company of their mothers gives them a healthy narcissism at first.
Little boy, you can't love him too much, because he can never meet his mother's caring needs. Three-year-old children will not easily say that I want to run away from home, but thirteen-year-old children will say, "How I long to live on campus and be with my classmates!" " "Children are eager to be noticed, and sometimes they even use unreasonable pranks to attract adults' attention. Therefore, no matter how busy a mother is, she should also filter the daily affairs and leave some time for her children. Now there are many mothers who give their children to the elderly as soon as they are born. If it is not necessary for survival, leave the young children with you! Giving them to grandparents, or letting them become "left-behind children" and devote themselves to their work, is not worth the loss to the children and themselves.
In the face of the growth of children, mothers may wish to focus on the stage. In the infancy of the child, if it is really necessary to be separated from the child for a period of time, the mother needs to give the child a guarantee of love and cooperate with practical actions. "We won't forget you and will come back to pick you up soon." "Mom and dad are too busy to take good care of you. Go to grandma's house for a while, and we will visit you often. " These words may reduce children's fear of being separated from their children.
Psychologists have found that people's emotions are related to experiences, especially those in infancy. Among the six basic emotions of sadness, happiness, anger, fear, surprise and disgust, fear is the basis of temperament tendency, while happiness is a positive emotion, which can alleviate the negative influence of introverted temperament to some extent. The emotional needs of infancy are to learn to trust, be touched and nourished, feel warm and trust others. Babies who have not learned basic trust can hardly explore the world without their mothers. Whenever he encounters a strange environment in the future, the anxiety generated in infancy may appear. Just like the company manager at the beginning of this section. This reminds parents to pay attention to the attachment complex in infancy and give their children a stable, safe and caring growth environment.
Love is a special kind of "work". All kinds of worries have a common feature-they must spend enough time on their children. Attention means companionship, paying attention to three-year-old children rolling on the grass, listening to six-year-old children telling incoherent stories, listening to adolescent children telling you his "idol" endlessly ... all these require lasting patience, which may make you tired and bored, but one thing is certain-this means true maternal love.
If a female doctor can't pay the necessary time for her children, I'm afraid the result of her education for her children is not as good as that of an uneducated mother accompanying her children. If we love something, we will be willing to pay time for it. If you don't spend your energy on children and spend too little time on them, you won't understand their needs more deeply. Willing to take the time to get to know children, seize and make use of educational opportunities, and educate children with the right medicine, so as to give them proper supervision, encouragement, necessary warning and blame, master the education discretion and relax. The so-called "random education" means observing children at any time in the process of getting along with them.
Writer Chi Li once wrote in her book: "I found that children are the same from ancient times to the present;" Great changes have taken place in parents. Nowadays, too many parents are only willing to spend money on their children, rather than spend time, energy and thoughts. In essence, parents become confused, selfish, blind, stupid and lazy, and put the blame on the school. They simply let schools and social training classes devour all children's time, while making money, they go to socialize, play mahjong, go on business trips and enjoy all kinds of adult entertainment consumption. Although there are great problems in the educational system and methods of our school, objectively, parents' attitude also encourages and supports the school. "
How to grow up with children in busy work and life? We know the famous host Yang Lan. She is a busy mother, but she is also a conscientious mother. At home, she will stay with the children as much as possible, play puzzles and fight with them, tell them stories, share and feel with them, and listen to their stories carefully; Even when I am on a business trip, I often call back to chat with my children. Although she is very busy at work, whenever she is free, Yang Lan takes her children to the zoo, watches movies with them and shouts with them while watching. ...
How nice, such a mother! It's just harder, but I'm willing to make more efforts for love.
Still the same sentence: decades of life, when children need our company most, it is worth working hard to spend energy on children!