Chu Jian Li Jie
Li Jie, who is 1.6 meters tall, has long hair tied behind his head. She is thin and her voice is hoarse. When she spoke, she felt anxious and breathless. She said that she had retired and felt that she had lived too hard before, so she came to participate in psychological study, hoping to lead a different life. After hearing what she said, I am curious. Why does she have such an idea? At 55, how many opportunities do you have to change your life? What does she want to be "different"? With such doubts, I began to study in groups.
Sister Li's confusion
Sister Li said that her biggest confusion now is that she does not know how to face her mother. My mother is 77 years old, and all her functions are beginning to deteriorate. As soon as we met, we "talked about me", with a wrinkled face and a big belly. She also said that other people's daughters are accompanied by two people in turn, accusing me of not spending more time with her. But when I accompanied her to visit, she came out early and sat at the gate. Later, I found out that my mother likes walking in the street! I want to get my mother's approval, but she just won't give it to me and has been criticizing me since I was a child. She's so old, and now she's begging for my mother's love like a child!
Looking at the way she spoke, I suddenly felt that "Sister Li is not 55 years old, but a little girl of 15 years old!" Although the years have left a deep impression on her, careful observation shows that she is slim, with black hair and regular facial features. The most important thing is that she still has a girl's heart, hoping to get her mother's love and recognition. I also felt her helplessness and disappointment. After so many years of hard work, her mother still didn't give her verbal approval. I saw the girl's heart, stubborn pursuit, repeated attempts, repeated disappointments, repeated attempts. Her voice is full of anxiety and longing, because my mother doesn't know how long it will take, and the girl's dream can't come true.
Why are we so eager to be recognized?
Because it is everyone's nature to ask for approval. Identity is a psychological concept, which refers to an individual's identity with status or achievement higher than his own, and eliminates the anxiety caused by frustration when an individual cannot achieve success or satisfaction in real life. William James, a famous American psychologist and philosopher, said a century ago that human beings are not only social animals that need the companionship of the same kind, but also have a natural tendency to be noticed and recognized by our peers. For a person, the biggest punishment is to leave society and forget completely, not physical punishment. Identity is divided into self-identity and social identity.
Parents are the most important people in our growth, and it is every child's wish to gain their approval. If you don't get this recognition, your child may find it painfully all his life.
However, as children, many times we don't understand the expression of parental identity. Sometimes, "saying (in many cases, it will make us feel that this is training)" is also a sign that parents love their children. Why don't they talk about others? Why are you talking about yourself? Because they are their parents, their starting point is "good for me"! "Say" is their simple expression of "love"! Although this expression is not what you want or accept. However, when parents get old, how can we expect China parents to change their expressions?
How do we understand the recognition expressed by parents?
I remember when I first studied psychology, a key word "unconditional love" touched me deeply. The original understanding of "unconditional love" is that parents always love their children and try their best to create conditions for their children to get "love". "The process of loving children will not use threats, inducements, rewards and other means as the condition or price of love. The process of psychotherapy is a process of "unconditioning". Compared with the explanation in the book, I feel the "unconditional love" shown by the psychological counselor. Compared with the "love" given by my parents, I have some psychological grievances and imbalances: "Why didn't I enjoy that unconditional love? "I believe many people will feel this way.
One day, I suddenly felt the helplessness and helplessness of my parents in the face of hard life. Even if they do their best for their children, they still can't provide ideal meals, education, accommodation and clothing. Search the depths of memory, there are a lot of pain, but also some sporadic, warm love memories. When we grew up, they didn't ask us anything, and we didn't return much. They love us and don't seem to want us to repay anything conditionally. Think again, every time parents reprimand or criticize, they set a series of barriers for us, giving us a sense of boundaries, and also closing the "mai mang of individuality" for us to communicate with others in society. Parents did not get our gratitude, but suffered our complaints. How can parents' criticism or accusation be "conditional love"? That is "unconditional love"!
Parents' criticism or accusation is actually based on "recognition"-"You have done a good job, and you need to continue to work hard!" It's just that parents didn't explicitly approve it, probably because they were worried that praise would bring "arrogance" or help us to be a "low-key and modest" person, which is in line with China's culture and national conditions.
Being born in a family makes us, and understanding the expression of our parents is a new process of our "self-identity". In that group activity, Sister Li said it was the first time to express herself so frankly and felt the charm of interpersonal relationship brought by group activities.