Active discipline is the translation of English active discipline, which is translated into active parenting in Taiwan Province province. It can be understood as positive guidance to children, paying attention to effective parenting methods that are not punished, arrogant, kind and firm. It is necessary to have a good emotional connection with children and establish certain boundaries.
Forty years ago, jane nelsen founded positive discipline according to Adler's individual psychology. Later, together with jane nelsen, Lin Lott designed a positive parenting experience class, so that ordinary parents can effectively educate their children even if they don't know psychology. The book "Positive Discipline" has been translated into many languages and spread to various countries. In the United States, active discipline has become the parenting concept of mainstream families. In China, Ms. Susie Zhang brought positive discipline back to China. /kloc-in 0/3, the founder Jane Nelson came to attend the first annual meeting of the discipline in China. Since 12, active discipline has been understood by more and more parents in the north, Guangzhou and Shenzhen, and has entered many families and institutions. It was written into the document of Taiwan Province Education Bureau last year.
Jane nelsen is a doctor of education. She has seven children and more than 20 grandchildren. She has been engaged in child development and psychological counseling for more than ten years. She is over 80 years old and still active on the international stage, which shows the long-term influence of PD spirit on people.
Adler is a very famous psychologist, and he is also called the three giants of psychology with Freud and Jung. He and Freud used to work together, but later they disagreed academically. Freud's psychoanalysis is a kind of "causality", that is, your past has made you, while Adler believes that people should not be bound by the past, but should actively grasp the present and achieve the purpose of life, so Adler's psychology is a kind of "teleology". If you are interested in this, I recommend two books, one is Inferiority and Transcendence, and the other is The Courage to Be Hate. If you are not confident like me, these two books will be of great help.
Some core ideas of positive discipline come from Adler's individual psychology. For example, children's behavior is the pursuit of a sense of value and belonging. If children want to grow up to be confident and responsible, they must learn to contribute, cooperate and be interested in others. These are the sources of sense of value and belonging.
2. Several core concepts of positive discipline?
Actions speak louder than words;
The first concept is that actions speak louder than words. This word can be understood in many ways. First of all, what we do is more important than what we say. One of the main ways for children to learn is imitation. For example, we often educate our children to obey the traffic rules, but we occasionally cross the road with our children ourselves. Children may not remember the rules we talked about, but they can remember the negative behaviors we did. This is why we first talk about parenting, first talk about raising ourselves, and first talk about healthy eating. Children will eat less snacks and drink less, and we will abide by the common rules in our family, such as limiting screen time, so that children will not often hold their mobile phones, and we will not turn over books ourselves, so it is difficult for children to fall in love with reading. Sometimes children are a mirror of ourselves, and children's lives are chaotic, which may point to the irregularity of our own lives. We must be ourselves before we are qualified to manage our children's lives. This is also respect for children and we are equal people. A tool to "control one's behavior" in positive discipline.
Actions speak louder than words, which means that we hope that children's learning abilities and skills need to be demonstrated and practiced. Some parents have a concept of "knowing by birth" to their children. For example, we want our children to eat well by themselves, but we don't tell them how to use tableware carefully. If we fail, we don't give them a chance to practice. The final result is definitely not satisfactory. It is difficult for adults to realize that many of our internalized experiences are the first time for children. Sometimes children don't do some "wrong behaviors" to annoy us, but we don't have the opportunity to tell them that "mom needs you to do this", and we have to demonstrate and practice several times. Although it will take some time at this stage, after the child has such an experience, it will save a lot of unnecessary trouble to clean up the mess, son. Among the tools of positive discipline, "teaching children what to do" reminds us to act instead of words.
Actions speak louder than words, that is to say, what we say and do should be unified. When our words and deeds are inconsistent, our actions will have a greater impact on children. Also give an example of a child not eating well. Parents chase their children to feed them, but the children just don't eat, and the mother may say that you are hungry. But the children are hungry, and the mother can't bear to let them be hungry and give them something else. So smart children will know that my mother said I was hungry, but I will still eat. He didn't bear the consequences of being hungry, so he naturally ignored what his mother said. This is the meaning of "letting children bear the natural consequences" in positive discipline. Only when they bear the consequences can they bear the responsibility and pay attention to the rules.
In our previous way of discipline, sometimes we were in a bad mood, and we might scold or punish our children for trivial things. But at this time, parents might feel guilty and psychologically compensated, feel that they are under pressure or don't want to see their children unhappy, and then use other rewards to compensate. This is a discipline that is sometimes punished and sometimes arrogant. This will make children distrust the rules. For small-month-old children, they need fixed rules and life rules to get a sense of security.
Make sure your child feels loved:
In fact, the discipline method that we traditionally advocate is quite strict. There is a saying that "a loving mother often loses her child", which means that children should be strict, but this method has a great drawback, that is, children often don't appreciate the love behind their parents' strictness. Please recall how you felt when you were a child when you were scolded for your mistakes. What was your decision then? Does anyone think that my father scolded me and hit me because he loved me? Did anyone decide to work hard after being scolded? I think more thoughts will be: it's really unlucky to be caught this time, and more will be sad, ashamed and even unconvinced. It is difficult for us to feel love at this time, and so are our children. This is an important reason why positive discipline does not advocate punishing children. On the surface, punishment temporarily stopped the wrong behavior, but it pointed to more negative emotions and negative reactions. What do we do? There is a tool for positive discipline called "contact first and then correct", and there are many similar tools such as "empathy" and "identification with emotion", all of which emphasize the importance of caring for children behind our discipline behavior.
Some parents may ask, I am angry that he made a mistake. How can I express my love? This leads to another view of positive discipline: "mistakes are good opportunities for learning." Everyone has heard the saying "failure is the mother of success", but in life, our tolerance for children's mistakes is actually very low. After learning positive discipline, we may have a more relaxed attitude towards children's mistakes, because this is a good opportunity for children to learn. He is practicing, groping and growing. Not only will we not punish him, but we will also give him a hug and tell him "You have worked hard" and "Mom saw your efforts". Imagine how the children feel at this time. "If you feel better, you can do better", which is why we should make sure that our children understand our love. In addition, the theory of positive discipline says that all children's wrong behaviors are seeking a sense of belonging and value. Only by letting children feel love can children get these two feelings and live for their own value, not to get rewards or escape punishment.
The purpose behind the behavior:
Parents often say that his Xiong Haizi has made mistakes many times, but he still doesn't listen. In the face of such a problem, the first step is actually not to consider what to say, but to understand the beliefs behind children's words and deeds, and then prescribe the right medicine. As we said before, children's bad behavior actually points to a need, that is, to seek a sense of value and belonging. There is a tool called "false destination list" for positive discipline.
In the wrong purpose table, we can see that bad behavior is called wrong purpose, which is mainly divided into four types. In the first column, we can see that they are seeking excessive attention, seeking power, revenge and giving up on themselves. Everyone can make basic judgments according to their feelings at that time. The third column shows the possible mistakes of parents, such as coaxing, doing things for children, surrendering, or watching how I deal with you. You can compare whether you have such consciousness when you face children. The last column shows the beliefs behind children's behavior and the positive discipline tools we can use, which is an appropriate response. You may wish to use it and give feedback in the group. It should be noted that the division of the four wrong behaviors on this list does not require special care when using it. For example, a child with procrastination may be seeking excessive attention or revenge for his parents' previous behavior. Parents may feel uneasy or helpless. It needs to be analyzed according to the specific situation. The most important thing is to let go of the mistake itself and see the child's possible needs before using the tool.