Learn to think independently. Blindness is much more terrible than mischief.

A few years ago, a "psychological test" game was popular among college students. Bring the attention and thoughts of the subjects to the deserted desert, mysterious secluded forest and grassy grassland, and ask questions to the subjects through various expected situations, so that they can make choices. Finally, by analyzing the answers chosen by the subjects one by one, the attitudes and interests of the subjects can be summarized. Although this is a game, it at least shows that people need to face many choices in their lives.

In the past, our way of education was to make children obedient and listen to their parents, mothers, aunts and teachers. Obedient children are good children. However, when we experienced many twists and turns, when the pace of social progress entered the era of commodity economy, we suddenly found that great changes have taken place in today's society. At this time, in the face of unpredictable changes in society, it is far from enough to emphasize children's obedience. We should realize that we should teach them some abilities. I think, among these abilities, one that children need most is the ability to choose.

Some people say that today's children are the "little emperors" at home. But I think they are "little slaves" whose thoughts and activities are strictly imprisoned by their parents!

Once a naive person said to me, "People say we are' little emperors', but I don't think so. The emperor has the final say in everything, and I have the final say at home. Although they always cook what I eat and wear, I also contribute when it comes to saving money to buy big things. When discussing what to buy, I said I should buy a tape recorder. My father, my mother and my sister stared at me with six eyes and said,' This is an adult's business. How can you talk?' It's unfair. I'm a human being. Why don't you talk? "Visible, children lack the opportunity to choose, adults don't give them this right.

In a child's life, he will face many choices. In my opinion, the most important choice is in three aspects, the choice of friends, the choice of objects and the choice of work. Whether these choices are appropriate or not will affect a child's life.

First, the choice of friends.

Life without a happy childhood is unfortunate, and childhood without friends is even more unfortunate.

As the "intimate sisters" of China Youth Daily, we often have the opportunity to host and answer "intimate calls" all over the country. From the phone calls from teenagers, we deeply feel their desire for friends and friendship.

Children often ask, "How can I find friends?" "What kind of friends are good friends?"

On the issue of making friends, I think there is such a principle: seeking differences.

Many people are willing to make friends with people with the same temperament, interests and other aspects. Making friends in this way is actually very limited. After the rain, the rainbow will show seven gorgeous colors: red, orange, yellow, green, cyan, blue and purple, not to mention the colorful life and all kinds of people! If you always get along with like-minded people, you can't adapt well to the complex society in the future. You will meet many people whose temperament and interests are very different from yours. When you get along with them, you will feel uncomfortable and even have friction and conflict.

Therefore, when choosing friends, we should choose some people who are different from ourselves as friends. Difference means that there is the possibility of complementarity, your advantages will be absorbed by the other side, and your shortcomings can also be supplemented by the other side's advantages. Two people who are different from each other get along for a long time, influence each other and become perfect at the same time.

Speaking of seeking differences, can students of the opposite sex get along and become friends?

Once, a boy said, "I said a word to a girl in class, and they said we were having sex." So, I held a seminar in this class to let the children talk about the advantages of boys and girls respectively. The boy said, "Girls are careful, disciplined, study well and can do housework." The girl said, "Boys are strong, courageous and loud, and can resist grievances." I told them: "Boys have the advantages of boys and girls have the advantages of girls. Playing together will complement each other."

A girl also told me such a little secret: "When we bungee jump, as long as there are boys watching, we jump very hard." A boy said, "Every time we fight, as long as there are girls around, we fight harder and harder."

When I was a student, the innocent friendship between boys and girls sometimes left sweet and touching memories for my life.

I advocate the principle of making friends and seeking differences, boys and girls make friends, good students make friends, urban children make friends with rural children, etc., because I hope that different types of children can communicate together and get along with each other, so that they can grow up in an all-round way and become a person who can adapt to society and have extensive contact with society, rather than a lonely and eccentric person.

Second, the choice of objects.

This choice is a major problem that children will face in their future life. As parents, there is no need to avoid this question. They should honestly tell their children how to choose a lifelong partner and what criteria to use to choose a lifelong partner.

Respect is the most basic principle in choosing the object. You should know how to respect each other and have dedication. However, some young people are always thinking about getting something from others or using others to achieve their own goals, which is immoral.

Many young people not only have no correct principles, but also stand in the wrong position when choosing objects. When choosing a partner, the requirements are too harsh, which often leads to the two sides breaking up in discord and even complaining for life.

I once said to some older young women, "find someone who likes you, not just someone you like." If you blindly want to find an ideal person in your imagination, I am afraid you will never find it! " I once said to some young men, "If you really like someone, don't be too critical of her." As the saying goes, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." If you like someone, you must be able to tolerate their defects or shortcomings, and you must also accompany them sincerely and walk the whole life.

1. Cultivate the ability to choose-three choices in life (2)

Because of my work, I have the opportunity to contact college students. Nine out of ten questions raised by college students are about love. They said that in college campuses, falling in love is common, and a considerable proportion of students have lovers. Whenever night falls, the campus that was originally noisy with books becomes a "street park" where couples meet.

In a university in Xiamen, a boy committed suicide by jumping off a building because he failed to pursue girls. This incident shocked the male students greatly. They organized a "Five Grass Research Association" to sum up the phenomenon and experience of love together and put forward the "Five Grass Spirit" of love: First, "Good girls are everywhere, so men don't have to worry too much; Second, "rabbits don't eat grass beside their nests"-they can't find girls around them as objects, and their goals are too concentrated; Third, "the wind knows the grass"-don't listen to girls drinking a few words of "ecstasy soup" and be fooled. It has to go through a long-term test; Fourth, "a good horse doesn't eat grass"-forget it if you don't fall in love, don't force it; Fifth, "an old cow bites a young grass"-a man can only find a good woman when he is old, and don't get involved in love too early. These boys said, "since we have the spirit of five grasses, our spirit has been liberated." "

The "Five Grass Spirits" summarized by these college students inevitably sounds biased, but after all, it shows that some young people have begun to consciously and seriously face the problems of love and mate selection. This inevitably makes us feel ashamed: why didn't we parents and educators give them correct guidance earlier? Choosing the object is an unavoidable problem that young people should consider sooner or later; As the parents and elders of young people, we should have a sense of responsibility and give our children some necessary guidance to avoid detours!

Third, the choice of work

If in the past, young people could not control their own destiny because of the shackles of feudal consciousness and the imprisonment of "Left" thoughts, then young people now have the ability to control everything. The reform and opening-up policy has provided people with countless opportunities for development. Any ideal can be realized as long as you are willing to work hard.

For teenagers, the way to guide them to choose "what to do in the future" correctly is to carry out vivid "ideal education"

A teacher once conducted such education among students. She asked each student to write a composition entitled "When I grow up, I will do …".

A little girl said, "I want to be a teacher when I grow up." The teacher told her: "The teacher has to talk to many students, so you can't use colloquial words like" later "and" this "in the future. And speak loudly, look good, and gesture moderately. Please come to the front of the podium to answer questions in the future. "

A careless girl said that she would become a doctor in the future. The teacher said, "being a doctor is a sacred profession, but you need to be very careful, or you will do harm to patients." Therefore, you can't make mistakes because of carelessness in the future. "

A naughty boy said he wanted to be a policeman. The teacher said, "Well, something just happened in our class. I don't know who poisoned several goldfish raised in the class. Please solve this case. " As a result, within two days, the little boy solved the case because he was involved in the crime himself. After learning the truth, the teacher praised him instead of criticizing him. He found a good way to admit his mistake: "teacher, I broke into the' enemy'."

This activity is very meaningful. The children made a wish for the future and learned more about their own shortcomings. Through hard pursuit, I believe they will realize their ideals.

Nowadays, some parents are used to imposing their wishes on their children, hoping that their children will become the home of this family, but in fact, the children themselves may not like it. Parents should give their children the right to choose their interests and let them choose and develop freely.

Choice is very important for a child, and blindness is much more terrible than being naughty. If a child only knows how to obey, he will do whatever he is told, and there will certainly be no development in mediocrity. And those children who know what they like to do and how to do it will surely succeed.

When cultivating children's choice ability, we should pay attention to the following methods: First, choose multiple-choice questions; Second, do more activities and let children do what they like; Third, don't be too full to answer questions, leaving room for children to think.

For example, a child asked, "Do you think there are flying saucers?" Don't tell him "yes" or "no" without thinking. You can say, "I'm not a natural scientist, so I can't answer this natural mystery. It needs you to solve these mysteries when you grow up." Once, a child called and asked, "Are there any dinosaurs in the world?" At that time, the college students who worked as interns in the newspaper office answered affirmatively: "There are no dinosaurs in the world." As a result, the child immediately retorted: "There are dinosaurs in the world! 1 1 months ago, a dinosaur egg was found in Australia. If it hatches, how can it be said that it is not a dinosaur? ……"

From my experience, I understand that when a person chooses a job he loves, he will give full play to his intelligence and consciously take pleasure in suffering. I wanted to be a reporter of China Youth Daily since I was a child, and be a "bosom sister" that everyone likes. When I realize my wish, I try my best to work and regard work as my life.

I like Marx's famous saying best: "If we choose a career that can best work for human welfare, the burden cannot overwhelm us, because it is dedicated to everyone;" At that time, what we felt was not poverty, limitation and selfish pleasure. Our happiness will belong to millions of people, our cause will be unknown but exist forever, and noble people will shed tears in the face of our ashes. "

I sincerely hope that our children can have this choice.

2. Cultivate tolerance-bear setbacks and misfortune (1)

Difficulties and setbacks are the best universities for growing children.

Madame Curie is the pride of women all over the world. Her indomitable spirit in the face of setbacks and difficulties is really convincing. She once said: "I have never been lucky, and I will never expect to be lucky in the future." My highest principle is: never give in to any difficulties! " "

Difficulties and setbacks are the best universities for growing children. No matter who has never tasted hunger and thirst, he will never enjoy the sweetness of food and water and don't know what life is like. If a child has not experienced difficulties and setbacks, he will not taste the joy of success, nor will he feel what happiness is without suffering.

Good ability to bear setbacks, resilience after setbacks and indomitable spirit are indispensable qualities for successful talents. For today's children, it is particularly important to cultivate the ability to endure hardships and not give in to setbacks.

In recent years, frustration education has attracted more and more attention in the topic of cultivating cross-century talents. Let children get rid of their habit of pampering themselves in a difficult environment, sharpen their strong will, learn the confidence and skills of "seeing the light in the dark", cultivate their resilience, anti-frustration ability and resilience after setbacks, so that they can not only learn to get happiness from others or the outside world, but also stimulate an instinct to find happiness from the deep heart. In this way, they can remain calm and optimistic in the face of any difficulties and setbacks. This is the priceless treasure of life.

As parents, we don't want our children to go through hardships. We always try our best to design a tomorrow full of smiling faces and flowers for our children. However, life is ruthless. There may be thousands of disasters waiting for a child who is only a few years old or teenagers. People who are afraid of these disasters will never be happy.

Ostrovsky once said: "Human life is like a flood. It is difficult to stir up beautiful waves without encountering islands and reefs." It is difficult for children who grow up smoothly to create the glory of life.

About frustration education, it began as early as ancient times. In some primitive tribes, if young men want to have adult rights and be accepted by society, they must pass the almost cruel test of survival of the fittest; Adults put these boys in a bad predicament where no one lives and wild animals often haunt them, so that they can taste loneliness and frustration and learn to face and overcome all kinds of difficulties. Only the boy who struggles hard to return to the tribal residence can be proved to be an adult and a real man, and can enjoy all the rights of an adult. This kind of test can be regarded as the embryonic form of early human frustration education. Of course, this kind of frustration education at the cost of life is inevitably inhuman.

Modern society, especially some developed countries, pay more attention to the frustration education of the next generation because of their superior material living conditions.

Japan began to educate children about setbacks very early. Teachers in some civilian schools often lead students to take classes outdoors, so that students can learn knowledge and experience life in nature. This teaching method, called study tour, has been used to this day, and the content of experiencing life is similar to the frustration education we are carrying out now.

In recent years, it is popular in Japan to provide students with "hungry lunches" cooked with clear soup, radish and millet regularly to let them know about their parents' hard life. The school also stipulates the days of wearing shorts and skirts. On this day, even if the temperature is lower, all the students will change their shorts or skirts. On the day when the school stipulates to wear long clothes, no matter how hot the weather is, students must wear long clothes and trousers. ...

Every day, some Japanese rich people pay their children to come to China for summer camp activities, so that they can walk on the grassland with heavy backpacks and taste the hardships. They sometimes put their children on a desert island, let them know what hunger is and let them learn to live independently.

A teacher told me that not long ago, children in their school had an activity with Japanese children. Teachers found that Japanese children have a kind of tenacity and perseverance that is not afraid of difficulties, and they have strong endurance. When the child has a fever, try not to go to the teacher. Their leader said that their parents told them from an early age that caring for their bodies is their own business and they should be responsible for their own affairs.

In Korea, parents also attach great importance to cultivating their children's will from an early age. They put down jackets on their children and let them stay in the ice cave for a while before coming out, so that they can know the taste of "cold".

However, in China, frustration education is not enough. Due to parents' pampering, children's psychological endurance is quite fragile, and a little setback or failure may lead to great disaster.

A 9-year-old boy is very popular at home and is the squadron leader at school. One day, he asked his brother for candy. My brother said the candy was for his father, but he didn't give it to him. In a rage, the child hanged himself with a red scarf. How fragile psychology is!

The reason is that children's lives are too happy now, and many parents are afraid that their children will suffer again and "contract" everything they can for their children. Fortunately, not all children are so happy. Some children with poor living environment are more likely to form good qualities than those with superior family conditions because of the tempering of life.

There is a boy named Ji Hongbo in Heilongjiang Province. His father has only one leg and one arm. His mother has no legs, only one arm and two fingers. Mom and dad haven't hugged him since childhood, and they fell black and blue when learning to walk. From the age of 3, he took care of himself; By the time he was five, he would be able to help his father cook.

Later, my father passed away. Mother doesn't eat or get up. She doesn't want to live because she doesn't want to implicate her son. Xiao Hongbo said to his mother, "Mom, you can't die! After you died, I was an orphan. You live well, I will be able to support you! "

2. Cultivate tolerance-bear setbacks and misfortunes (2)

From then on, he got up early every day to cook for his mother, boil medicine, help her install artificial limbs, and then eat and go to school by himself. Once, when he was sick and struggling downstairs, he fainted on the ground and was taken to the hospital by the passing police. Only then did I know that I had duodenal ulcer and was in danger of perforation. When the doctor told him to be hospitalized, Xiao Hongbo cried: "I am in the hospital. Who will take care of my mother? "

I think that children who have experienced hardships and setbacks like Ji Hongbo will truly understand the true meaning of life and love others and our motherland more.

A good attitude to bear setbacks is honed when you suffer setbacks in childhood and adolescence and constantly solve difficulties. This is an important symbol of a person's quality.

Rousseau once said, "Do you know how to make your children unhappy? This method is convincing. "

Therefore, parents' excessive love and obedience to their children will only have a strong negative effect; The meticulous care of mom and dad can only make your children miss the hardships, failures and setbacks that can hone their growth again and again, and make them lack the courage and experience to face setbacks and overcome them. Once they encounter setbacks, they will be at a loss and will never recover.

Balzac said: "Suffering is a stepping stone to life, a treasure to the capable and an abyss to the weak." A person can't stand injustice, can't stand setbacks and is afraid of difficulties. It is impossible to face the fierce competition in the future. Which parent can guarantee that your child will not be frustrated all his life?

3. Cultivate competitiveness-bid farewell to jealousy (1)

Those who break up because of jealousy are likely to get excellent grades.

After entering the new century, people have a sense of urgency: modern science and technology are more and more developed, the production process is more and more automated, and the population on the earth is more and more ... We and our children will face fierce competition.

Many years ago, an 82-year-old French journalist came to China Youth Newspaper for an interview. I asked him, "What are French children thinking?" He said: "What they want is how to occupy space."

I heard a shock in my heart. What are our children thinking?

As we all know, what our children think most about is how to get into key schools. This is also a kind of competition, which is a lower level of competition: the competition between people.

As the old saying goes, "All bets are off, but modest gains." Summed up the experience and lessons of getting along with others and competing with others, which also contains the bitterness of being envied after success.

Jealousy is a terrible dark psychology when people get along and compete with each other. Especially for children, it is harmful.

A boy from a key middle school in Beijing once said to his mother, "Although our school is a key middle school, the students are very selfish. I have been ill for so long, and no one has come to see me. I missed my homework and no one told me. " In some schools, the schoolbags of well-studied students were stolen before the exam, and the students who stayed at school found a big needle in the quilt ... this is the performance of students' jealousy.

An experimental primary school in a county in the south held a team meeting on "The Right and Wrong of Ganlu's Losing the Election". Manna, a girl, was elected when she ran for the battalion chief with a boy, but half a month later, when she was elected as a member of the county juvenile congress, she lost the election. Some teachers and students feel strange and don't understand, so they hold this team meeting for a heated discussion.

A boy said, "Ganlu is proud to be the captain. A classmate played paper darts on her way to school, which should have been the responsibility of the captain of the road, but she persisted. She just wants to show off and show that she is the captain. " Another child immediately said, "What you said is wrong. At that time, the captain of the road was away, and Ganlu was afraid that his classmates were in danger, so he took charge. If at the front, the squad leader dies and the soldiers rush up, can you say that he is in the limelight? " Another classmate said, "once I was standing on the steps with a classmate, and manna bumped into us without saying sorry." The other classmate immediately said, "No, we were standing on the steps, and Manna was in a hurry with a mop." She saw us and said' I'm sorry'. " After everything is laid out, it is not the fault of manna.

A girl said, "I was jealous of Ganlu when she became the battalion chief. She used to be the squadron leader and I was the monitor, so she had one more bar than me. Now she has one more bar than me. Whenever the teacher asks her to answer questions in class, I roll my eyes at her, hoping that she will be criticized by the teacher if she answers wrong. "

The unsuccessful boy said, "I'm just not convinced. Why are all good things manna? " So the students said, "It's all because you are jealous of manna that you have done so many tricks behind your back. In fact, you just want to be an official and don't want to be an officer, so we won't choose you. " The right or wrong of this matter has finally been clarified.

This is not an isolated matter. Many students who studied well and became cadres were isolated at school because other children were jealous of him.

I talked to some children about competition and jealousy. I asked them, "What is competition? What is jealousy? " They don't know much about it. I told them: "suppose there are two people running, one in front and the other in the back." The man behind thought that the man in front had better trip over the stone now, so that I could pass him. This is jealousy. Jealousy is based on the failure of others. But on the other hand, if the people behind me want to, I will run like hell and overtake him. I must overtake him. This is competition, and competition depends on our own efforts. "