In the process of children's growth, do fathers and mothers play the same role and play the same role?
Meng Fu: Not the same. Mother is the person who gives birth to life. From the beginning of pregnancy, the fetus grows in the mother's body until it is born after 10 months. After birth, the baby and the mother have a "symbiotic" stage, and they can only survive by relying on the mother's milk and care. Later, my father slowly joined in. Therefore, the roles of mother and father are called first and second.
In several critical periods, the role of father is particularly important. The first is that the father is the earliest third party when the mother and son coexist; The second stage is the children's 3-6 years old stage, which is also the Oedipus complex period. Children complete gender identity, showing the worship of heterosexual parents and the recognition of same-sex parents. In other words, girls learn from their mothers to be women, and boys learn from their fathers to be men. The third is adolescence, when children have to be separated from their mothers. It is particularly important for fathers to support their children's growth.
The great function of parents is what we often say, "Men are the masters outside and women are the masters inside." Mothers take care of their children in life and care about their daily life, warmth and coldness; Fathers are spiritual, helping children to establish rules, ideals, values, "superego" and so on. This is usually the case.
So, "having a father" is very important for boys?
"Father" has an influence on the growth of both boys and girls. But the special significance for boys lies in the fact that the male characteristics of fathers, if broken, resolute, firm, strong and protective, are crucial to the formation of boys' character.
In order to realize self-shaping, boys need not only a real father, but also an "inner father". In other words, he needs to internalize the function and role of the father role. The "father role" is not only a person, nor a symbol, but a symbol, symbolizing strength, rules and authority; "The role of the father" is also an example. The father uses himself as a template for his son to emulate and a goal to surpass, and uses silent authority to stimulate his son's growth momentum and guide his son's future.
For a life course from boy to man, "father and father role" plays a decisive, lasting and irreplaceable role. The absence of father, especially the absence of the role of father, may be a lifelong regret, and it is also an important topic that he needs to grow up in his life.
■ How can fathers have a positive influence on boys?
Father's influence on children is subtle. It is spontaneous and instinctive for fathers to take their children to play games, such as taking the "brave" road and playing slides ... What sports fathers like, they will take their children to do. If the child goes out with his mother, the mother usually says, "Tie your shoelaces and don't get lost"; And dad will be a little rough-"go, get in the car."
Children gain different experiences and see different behaviors through interaction with their parents. Of course, if dad doesn't like sports and likes reading, the children will agree with this man's image and will like reading in the future.
In addition, if the relationship between father and mother is harmonious and intimate, it is easier for father to get close to children. Otherwise, the distance between the child and the father will be artificially opened. Father's influence on children is indirect, but it works through mother. If the connection between the child and the father is blocked or reduced, the father's function will not function normally, because there is something wrong with the relationship between the mother and the father.
■ Some fathers are busy with work or working in other places for a long time, and there are not many opportunities for father and son to meet. Is this not good for children's growth?
Whether the father is at home or not has an impact on the children. Father has a greater influence at home, a living person, sitting there, with words, actions, expressions and so on.
Being away from home is also an influence. That position is empty, giving people room for imagination: he is not here, where did he go ... What is important is that my mother explained to my father that he was not at home and what emotions she used to say it. If mom smiles and says "Dad is busy with a very important career outside" or complains "Who knows where he died!" These two different explanations, including emotions, will have different effects on children.
The difference between regions is only spatial distance, and there is a difference between psychological space and regional space. If the father and the child are very close, although far apart, and the child knows that the father is there, the function of the father role can still be well played. Father is usually busy at work, and comes home late every day, so he can only accompany his children once a week. If he devotes himself wholeheartedly and feels very happy every time, it is also good, and it is better than being with children every day without any interaction.
■ Some children grow up in single-parent families, and the role of the father is missing. What should such children pay attention to when they grow up?
Parents are the key figures that affect the growth and development of the next generation. In the process of socialization, we will meet many other important people. Therefore, we still have the opportunity to make up for the lack of fatherhood outside the family.
As long as they are important people who can play the role of father, teachers, idols, characters in literary works and so on. , can partially replace them and play a role in compensation. Speaking of self-growth, you can find a consultant to work for a long time and internalize the consultant into an inner father. Help-seekers (psychological counselors, social security agencies) can play this role. Of course, complete substitution is impossible. Even if my father is here, it is good that my father can play a 75% role. In the absence of the father, the replacement part played a role of 60%, which is also very good. The role of father is less than 100%, because there is no good father.
Knowing this, we can find out the subconscious needs and consciously look for alternatives. If you don't understand this, you will subconsciously look for it. Tony Leung Chiu Wai, for example, grew up in a single-parent family. He created different male characters on the screen, which is very manly. He satisfied his inner needs and grew up by acting roles. His inner motivation is very strong, so he will work harder and be better than others. In reality, he is a single, stuffy person, but on the screen, he is deep and tense. Through these shapes, he presents his own superstar-like things in the process of making up for the shortcomings.
At different growth stages of boys, the role of father has different functions and meanings.
A boy's father may be a "hero" in his mind during his childhood, even throughout his life, and children will be proud of having a strong father. A father is a symbol of his son's identity, a guarantee of inner security and strength.