Parents always want their children to be good, but many parents are anxious and eager to become steel, such as the hit drama "The Cultivation of Vulgar People" or "Your Children Are Not Your Children". Obviously out of kindness, but because of improper expression, it hurts the child's self-identity.
In his life, children have been asking "what kind of person I am", hoping to get recognition and affirmation. Moreover, this journey, from an early age, gradually develops self-identity in the dribs and drabs of life, which is also the basis of physical and mental health and success in life.
Daniel Flint, a psychologist who specializes in parenting psychology and children's development, pointed out that parents are often eager to help or urge their children, but instead let them lose the opportunity to cultivate their sense of self-identity. He also teaches parents how to help their children build self-identity in psychology today. It is worth noting that many of these mines are hidden in seemingly insignificant daily conversations, and parents are also warned to be extra careful.
Just like in the TV series The Story of Farming, Chen Jialing had an interaction with her cousin in Taipei when she was a child. Her mother was worried that she would fail in checkers and blurted out, "Chen Jialing, you should learn more from your sister. You only care about eating and playing, and you can't do anything! My sister can read English, play the piano and chess, and ... "The comparison of social values between adults has planted their own uselessness in children's hearts.
Understand the emotional fluctuations in children's lives and show empathy.
What's more, when parents talk about things, they often say to their children, "When I was your age, I didn't …" or "I wouldn't …" or "I knew it …". Behind these words, parents may just want to pass on some experiences or ideas, but they may make children feel the distance between their parents and them, open the connection and recognition between them, stifle their willingness to express their emotions and exchange views with their parents, and further feel the opportunity to be recognized and affirmed.
For example, children may tell their parents that they don't want to leave their friends when they have to reschedule their courses or graduate. Some parents will "comfort" their children: "What's so sad? I had friends when I was your age, but I haven't contacted them now. 」
In fact, children's life experience is limited and they can't predict the future. This seems to tell him that his idea is wrong, or that he is ignorant or even powerless about his future. If he doesn't listen to his parents and change his mind, he is stupid, naive and naive.
At this time, if you tell your child, you know how sad he is, but there are many people in the new class and school. I believe he will make new friends soon. Children will be much more confident, will not doubt that they are bad or wrong, and will not feel that they are denied or useless.
Encouragement, not blame, can make children stronger. When your son loses the game and cries, will you tell him to be "strong", "what's the big deal" and "be a man"? This will make children feel that they should not be so sad. They should ignore this feeling or suppress it and let the emotions pass quickly.
But the fact is, life always interacts with emotions everywhere, and we will definitely experience joys and sorrows. We shouldn't treat sadness as a shame, a mistake or something we shouldn't have. We don't want children to think that these normal things are shameful or cowardly. Instead of saying, "Don't be sad, it's just a game. You don't want your friends to think that you are a crying child, do you? Why not change it to "it must be very unpleasant to lose." You must like baseball very much. Do you want to talk while walking? Still have to think about how to play the next game? 」
This also has the advantage of encouraging children to find ways to do better and plan and act more actively.
Don't say to your children, "It's all your fault …" Some parents are devoted or have high expectations. When their children do something wrong or appear less than expected, they will complain to their children: "Do you know how troublesome, sad, sad and humiliated I am when you do this?" .
In fact, the original intention of parents may just be to hope that their children can understand their parents, or cherish resources and work hard. But the next time the child is rebellious, he may deliberately repeat the same mistakes and make his parents angry and sad again.
Another possible result is that most children can't judge what they can control, and may mistakenly think that they are responsible for their parents' emotions. Especially when parents quarrel and divorce, they may think, "If I had been a good boy, my parents wouldn't have …", and even think it's all their own fault. Or, when parents are in a bad mood at work, they also think they have done something wrong. Children who are often at a loss and don't know how to control themselves to help solve problems will find it more difficult to identify with their own values.
Children's growth will inevitably encounter setbacks and mistakes. Parents don't have to rush to take them to skip the experience and process, or express their love and concern with severe blame. Letting children explore their own emotions and solutions will help them build their sense of self-identity, know themselves better, have confidence in themselves, and know that despite setbacks, they will still get support and be able to achieve their goals on their own.