When children are disobedient, we should severely criticize them, make them reflect, or take other punishment measures (such as not watching TV);

Nevertheless, a reward mechanism should be established. When children behave well, they should be rewarded with stickers or other toys.

Many parents believe that "a dutiful son is born with a stick", which is not surprising, because many parents grew up in this environment.

However, punishment often escalates the situation and children's performance gets worse and worse.

Punishment can lead to "fighting posture" or "flight posture": as the thinking of the prefrontal cortex becomes more complicated, the basic defense mechanism of the human body will start.

So punishment will make us either resist, or feel angry or ashamed and suppress our feelings; Or "run away" and try not to get caught.

So, reward is a better choice?

Reward is more like a twin brother of punishment.

Parents may find rewards attractive at first, because rewards can control their children instantly.

I think every parent has experienced it. When you first told your child that if you were obedient, I would let you eat a lollipop, and this lollipop immediately had a magical effect.

However, the effect of the reward will gradually disappear, even counterproductive.

When children grow up, you let them clean their own rooms, and they will ask you, "How many rewards can I get?"?

For decades, psychologists believe that rewards will reduce people's self-motivation and enjoyment of rewards.

For example, a study tested children's paintings. Among the children who like painting, one group will get money for painting, while the other group will not. As a result, children who can't get paid for painting will paint more.

This is what psychologists say-external rewards will damage children's own internal motivation.

Rewards can also reduce creativity.

In a series of classic studies, researchers gave people a set of materials (a box of thumbtacks, a candle and a match) and asked them to find out how to stick candles on the wall.

The standard solution needs innovative thinking-it needs to look at the material in an innovative way (using the box as a candlestick).

Those who are told by the defendant that solving problems will be slow.

Research shows that the key reason for the decline of creativity is that tasks are regarded as a means to an end.

Rewards narrow our horizons-our brains will no longer be free to play, and we will no longer deeply understand and see more possibilities because of completing tasks.

So what now? After reading these research conclusions, as parents, we are even more entangled?

Now let's take a step back and look at this question, whether it is reward or punishment.

We are all based on negative assumptions about children:

We think that children are stupid and have low abilities (because they are not mature), and they are the objects we need to control and shape.

However, if you think about it, it's not the way it is:

-Children have the ability. They are born with compassion, cooperative spirit, team spirit and positive efforts.

Recognizing this, this change in concept will strongly change the way we treat children.

-rewards and punishments are conditional, and our love and respect for children should be unconditional.

In fact, if we can really see the world from the perspective of children, we can really listen to their voices and explore their inner world.

Children will be more willing to communicate with us, listen carefully and adopt our suggestions.

Here are some suggestions on how to change the way you communicate with your children.

Understand the cause of the matter

Children don't beat people for no reason, ignore their parents, and lose their temper in front of the store.

If we want to really solve the problem, we need to provide meaningful help.

Even just knowing the cause of things and listening to children's thoughts will make children less defensive and more willing to listen to the rules and principles told by their parents.

Don't say: be nice to your friends, you have to share, or I won't let you watch TV today.

Instead, I said, well, I can see that you still want to share your new toy. I know it may be difficult at first, and you will feel a little angry. Can you think of a way to play with them? Please let me know if you need help.

Children's behavior—

Distress, resistance and attack are just the tip of the iceberg, while underwater may be hunger, unfamiliar environment, lack of sleep, excessive excitement and strong emotions beyond the scope of treatment.

If we can think like this, let the child become our partner, not an opponent who needs to be controlled.

Incentives rather than rewards

If we can pass it on to the children,

"I believe you, I believe you are willing to cooperate with me and help me. We are a team. "

Wake up the child's inner motivation, and you will find that the power of the child's strong inner motivation is far stronger than the subtle reward.

Don't say: If you clean your room, we can go to the park. You'd better do this, or you won't go to the park.

It means: When your room is clean, we can go to the park. I can't wait for the exciting moment. Please let me know if you need help.

Help, not punish

Punishment conveys such a message:

"I will make you pay for what you have done."

Even if many parents don't really think so, the punishment of children is transformed into information in the brain.

Therefore, it is better to guide and help children.

Don't say: you are rude to me, and you use dirty words.

I'm going to confiscate your toys now, and I don't want new toys in the future.

It says: Wow, you are really angry, I can feel it. What you said to me made me feel very sad.

I want to put away your toys for a while to calm you down.

If you think it over, you can tell me why you are so angry and we can work it out together.

A child's industrious nature

Humans are not born lazy (not in line with evolution), especially children.

If we feel that we are part of the team and our work is very important to the team, we will work hard.

In the same way, so do children.

-children want to be a part of the family, a capable part and an important part of their own contribution.

If they know that their contribution is important, they will be willing to help others.

Parents should let their children really help us from a very young age and let them have a sense of existence.

For example, hold a family meeting.

Discuss all the daily tasks that need to be completed in the family in the coming week, discuss with each family member and ask for opinions.

Make a chart for children (or let them do it themselves). When the task is completed, there can be a place to record it, indicating that they have finished the work.

No matter how difficult and maddening the situation seems, we can respond in this omnipotent way:

"I see you, I am here. I'm here to listen to you.

Talk to help you. I will always support you. We are together. Let's solve this problem together. "