Alison Gopnik, a doctor of psychology at Oxford University and one of the founders of theory of mind, said in his Gardeners and Carpenters: Parents should not be carpenters, but gardeners, and create an ecosystem suitable for growth for childhood.
The carpenter's job is to complete the work with his own skills according to his own or customers' ideas; What gardeners should do is to provide fertile soil for flowers and plants, and an environment that can ensure their safe growth, and create an ecosystem suitable for the growth of young flowers and plants.
Gardeners and carpenters are two completely different ways of raising children, and I think parents should focus on giving and guiding their children, and let them actively explore their potential through warm behavior, instead of forcing their parents' thinking on their children and forcing them to grow up.
Jiang erman's father began to record their language word for word since their children were over two years old. Hearing the child's unintentional words, he immediately grabbed the stamps or old newspapers at hand and recorded them in the blank. When the eldest daughter, Jiang Xinhe, told her parents that she didn't want to go to school, the husband and wife agreed after only a short thought, and then began to explore the parenting methods suitable for Jiang Xinhe.
Obviously, for the two sisters, their parents chose the gardener's upbringing. It is precisely because of this gardener that there will be such a small collection of poems full of whimsy and colorful as "The lamp burned a hole in the night". It brings us not only superficial surprise words, but also the powerful force it reflects-the power of parenting style.
Parenting style: refers to the combination of parents' parenting concept, parenting behavior and their emotional expression to their children. This combination is relatively stable and will not change with the change of a certain situation.
Theoretically, Diana Baumrind of the University of California, Berkeley has made a pioneering contribution to the theory of parental rearing patterns in developmental psychology. She identified three main parenting styles: arbitrariness, laissez-faire and authority.
From the perspective of characters, it is more appropriate to use carpenters and gardeners as education methods, so carpenters and gardeners are derived.
Of course, the parenting style of parents can never be completely one, and there are often several ways, but we usually refine the most obvious parenting style into the parenting style of the research object.
We can see the shadow of laissez-faire and authoritative parenting style in Jiang Erman's parents' parenting style. For example, laissez-faire parents follow a laissez-faire parenting style. Authoritative parents exert firm control over their children when they disagree with themselves, but they do not completely restrict them.
It seems that these characteristics can be integrated into their parenting style, and they neither completely ignore nor exert firm control over their children. But at the same time, their character is far more obvious than the theoretical definition, that is, gardeners.
They respect the different personalities of the two sisters, and also accept their own path. They use the laissez-faire but guided gardener education to let their children develop their strengths and make achievements in a free space.
The gardener himself exists in the image of dedication and companionship. Gardener-style parents are a good choice for children's lush flowers and plants. Taking Jiang Erman's parents as an example, it is the success of gardener-type parents to achieve the following two points.
1. Listen and discover
At the summer camp, a boy named Sucha fell in love with Pingping, so he got Pingping drunk and raped him. However, Pingping didn't tell his parents about it afterwards because he didn't communicate effectively with his parents for a long time. Although Pingping's father saw that his daughter was wrong, he didn't take the initiative to explore. He felt that his daughter didn't want to communicate with himself.
In this way, there is no communication between parents and children, no listening and discovery, and finally there is the ending of killing.
When the school teacher asked Jiang Xinhe (sister Jiang Erman) to recite the text that she thought was meaningless, she suddenly realized that school life was not suitable for her. When she told her parents that she didn't intend to continue her studies, they just thought for a while and agreed. There are two main points here:
First, Jiang Xinhe is willing to take the initiative to express his ideas and tell his parents about his experiences. It can be seen that parents and children have in-depth communication in daily life, and the family has always maintained this effective communication, so children will take the initiative to share with their parents when they encounter problems.
Second, parents are open-minded and educated. When children tell their parents that they don't want to go to school, more parents will scream on the spot and then get angry, while Jiang Erman's parents won't. They just calmly face their daughter's problems and give a positive response.
In the face of Jiang Erkun, parents will also observe and discover from different angles. In the end, they came to the answer that Jiang erman's personality is completely different, and she is very suitable for school life.
Their clever upbringing of children lies in their constant observation and timely adjustment according to China's unique personality.
2. Companionship and help
The definition of companionship in psychology is: an acceptance and response with the other person as the main body and oneself in a clear state. According to the above definition, in real life, most parents' companionship is unqualified, and sometimes even a little bad.
In the program "Teenagers Say", a little boy shouted to his parents in the audience: "The mobile phone is your child. Every time I look up at you, you always stare at your cell phone. Please ask my parents to put down their mobile phones. "
This poor company is definitely not a case. Sometimes parents will take the initiative to give their mobile phones or tablets to their children in order to play quietly. It's like saying to a child, "Please shut up and keep your distance from me, because I'm busy playing with my mobile phone." .
When parents give their children their mobile phones, they take away their children's companionship, healthy parent-child relationship and, more importantly, more possibilities. Maybe children could have become painters, speakers or talented poets, just like Jiang Ermang and Jiang Xinhe.
When Jiang Xinhe was more than two years old, he inadvertently said, "The big butterfly is not as good as the small butterfly, because the big butterfly has experienced too many past events." So this great father Jiang began a huge project to record his daughter's words.
Parents who are neglected to accompany them rarely have the opportunity to see such a wonderful moment. Even if they did hear what the child said, it was probably just a moment of surprise and exclamation. Few people will pick up paper and pen to record.
Dad Jiang never stopped from the moment he picked up a pen and paper. When the children can't write, Dad Jiang becomes the poetry secretary of his daughters, and will take away any piece of paper that can be written because of the children's words anytime and anywhere. He had to write it down because he was afraid that writing it from memory would tamper with his daughter's language in the future.
Therefore, the two sisters have today's achievements, which are the tireless companionship of their parents and their help when they need it. Father and mother Jiang understand a truth: accompanying children is never a reward for children, but giving them love when they need it. This truth runs through their upbringing.
Do the details of life that can be done to the extreme, and then leave room for children to grow up freely. It is no wonder that such a temperature education will grow such two delicate flowers.
1. Five different parenting styles
There are four different ways of education: arbitrary, laissez-faire, authoritarianism, carpenter and gardener of Jiang's parents.
Arbitrary: It should be emphasized that arbitrariness is not the same as abuse. Autocratic parents demand absolute obedience from their children and exercise strict control over them, usually using corporal punishment. However, corporal punishment here definitely does not mean that parents abuse their children. Once abuse occurs, it is no longer a reasonable way of raising, but involves the law.
Nowadays, corporal punishment is no longer advocated to educate children, because even a child has five levels of needs: physiology, safety, affection, respect and self-realization, and corporal punishment runs counter to these five aspects.
Laissez-faire: Give children complete freedom. Just like Lorelei Guilmault, one of the main characters in the TV series gilmore girls, she is always open, caring, sympathetic and supportive to her daughter.
But in real life, there are relatively few such parents, because parents are always worried about this and that, so it is almost impossible to keep them out of their children's affairs.
Authoritative type: it is a compromise, neither demanding absolute obedience like arbitrary parents, nor giving freedom completely like laissez-faire parents. They achieve their goals by reasoning and trying to shape children's values.
Among the above three parenting styles, authoritative parenting style should be more popular with parents, but authoritative parenting style also tests parents' ability, accomplishment and scale.
Carpenter type: completely rely on parents' subjective consciousness to shape and sculpt children. Self-awareness is always the implementation standard, good or bad, right or wrong depends entirely on parents.
But children are never a piece of wood, and we are not sculptors, let alone Rodin. We can't carve children into perfect existence.
Gardener type: it emphasizes that there is no need to set a formula for raising children, and the focus is on what role parents exist and what relationship parents and children have. Pay attention to giving and helping, and do not advocate shaping children.
Look at yourself.
By understanding different parenting styles, we can easily find out which one we belong to, which one we appreciate more, or what we can improve. The choice of parenting style is definitely not a way, but several ways can be combined at the same time and then further improved on the basis of several combinations. This is the meaning of reflecting on yourself.
As Hugo said, being exposed is a failure, and exposing yourself is a victory. As parents, it is a victory to reflect on yourself, face up to your own shortcomings and make continuous progress. Don't wait for children and reality to expose your mistakes, it may be too late.
Children are parents' best gifts. Parents should give their children a rational and healthy upbringing in addition to warm emotional love.
Jiang erman's father said: My two daughters are not prodigies, they are just ordinary girls. Yes, there will not be so many prodigies in the world. If there is, there must be a pair of eyes for discovery first, and then a successful parenting style.
Great/I am better than my sisters/sisters-it seems simple from Jiang Erman's Poems, but the simplicity of children often reveals the simplicity of parents, which is the power of parenting style!
——END——