At the end of each year, the relationship between parents and children will fall into a new round of discussion. Parents urging marriage and parents putting pressure on their children can make many people feel the same way.

Recently, a news that "Peking University 12 left a high flyer during the Spring Festival, broke up with parents six years ago, and wrote thousands of words to scold parents" caused a heated discussion.

Wang Meng (a pseudonym) is a typical "other people's child" with excellent grades. He has many auras, such as the number one science student in the college entrance examination, high flyers of Peking University, a graduate student in the top 50 universities in the United States; But it is such a talented child, as a star, who has "weird" behavior that makes countless people puzzled.

12 years ago, he stopped going home for the New Year; Six years ago, he blacked out all his parents' contact information; In order to solve his own psychological problems, he even plans to go to Peking University to study for a doctorate in psychology.

He attributed the break with his family to the "over-care" of his parents since childhood.

Recently, he wrote thousands of words and sent them to some close friends, telling these young parents "what not to do". On the other hand, he also wants to find the answer for himself-what can he do after the injury happens.

This "Diary of a Madman" sounds like thunder, exposing the truth that China's parents "eat people", tearing open the inner scars of countless people, and also tearing open the fig leaf of China's parents.

In his long letter, he listed examples, big and small, how his parents hurt him and how he couldn't save himself.

Between the lines, we can see that his parents have hurt him, and his parents are confused and don't understand.

Why do parents and children who are closest to each other become enemies as soon as they meet?

Why don't children want to live in a place like home that can bring security?

People in the parents' camp said: this child is very strange, disobedient and unfilial, and he is simply a baiwenhang;

People in the children's camp said: such parents are too cruel and gentle, but they are as painful as in those days;

Behind this long letter, I got rid of the criticism that parents and children hurt each other; What we should really reflect on is, what can we do to avoid the "lose-lose outcome of education"? Especially the parents of the younger generation, what can we do to change the next generation and the future.

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In the movie "The Sixth Sense", there is a touching bridge: the little boy can see ghosts and talk to them because of his psychic ability; He told his mother that he saw grandma, and grandma asked him to tell her that she didn't go to see her childhood dance performance, only in the corner; Then grandma answered the question her mother asked her at her grave, and the answer was "every day". Mother burst into tears when she heard the answer. The little boy asked his mother, and she asked her grandmother what the question was. She said, "Have I ever made you proud?"

We wait all our lives to be seen, and seeing is the best cure.

Rhine, an American psychologist, once said, "Being is being perceived".

Children's sense of existence comes from their parents' attention, acceptance and affirmation.

What children fear most is not failure, but being denied.

What I saw behind Wang Meng's letter was more about his desire for his parents to "see themselves".

His parents raised him as a girl (not accepting his gender);

He wants to wear shorts, but his parents let him wear pants (not accepting his choice);

When children constantly express that they are bullied at school and are not suitable for the educational environment, parents repeatedly deny it (your feelings are wrong, the school is good, the teacher is good, and the problem is you).

In the face of this long letter, the parents' response is even more embarrassing. The same old stuff. My parents didn't say anything. What they didn't understand was why Wang Meng clung to these small memories, or that he wouldn't turn to his parents' help and care.

What really makes Wang Meng unable to let go is the pain and despair that his parents are always unwilling to "see him".

He chose to cut off contact with his parents, which was very intense in form. What we should see more is that he finally chose this letter to express his original intention, which is that he still yearns for that understanding and concern.

Children who are not accepted by their parents will not have a real sense of existence.

They are rootless children, swaying in the wind and rain at any time.

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TED has a wonderful video "How to Teach Children to Be Yourself", which talks about the pain points of all parents. Are we really teaching our children with our hearts?

Ask yourself a few questions first:

Can you allow children to have their own emotions? Can you allow children to have their own opinions? Can you allow children to have their own choices?

I hope that parents will definitely answer: "Yes, we respect the independence of children".

There is no doubt that we love our children.

Actually? When the child cried, we said to him, "Don't cry, what's there to cry about?" When the child is afraid, we say to him, "Don't be afraid, what's there to be afraid of?" Even we will say to our children, "You have to believe in yourself, you can do it!"

In this case, it will only make the child farther and farther away from his heart.

When we tell our children, "Eat whatever you want!" The child said "I want to eat fried chicken", and you said "No, we want to eat healthy food; The child said "I want to eat pudding" and you were angry. "How many times have I told you not to eat these for dinner?"

When children are thinking, we urge them to "hurry up"; Forget it, listen to me. .....................................................................................................................................................................

Wu Zhihong, in his book Why Family Hurts People, tells the story of a mother's asking for help:

The counselor asked her, "When the child tied his shoelaces and tied knots for the first time, did you say you would come?" Mom said yes.

The counselor asked again, "When the child cooked for the first time, did you say she made a mess, or did you come?" Mother nodded. "

The counselor added, "Have you arranged your first job?" Mother said in surprise, "How do you know?"

The counselor said, "infer from your reaction when the child ties his shoelaces for the first time."

Mom asked again, "What should I do?"

The consultant replied: "When the child is going to get married and buy a house, you prepare a sum of money for him;" When he needs your help, always help him; Other, there is nothing I can do ... "

We have made too many decisions and made too much efforts for our children. In the end, the child won't choose, won't survive, and then we regret cutting his wings.

Education is to let children become themselves, not to let children get farther and farther away from their inner self. The only way for children to become themselves is to be separated from their parents and face the storms of the world alone.

03

How to cultivate children's autonomy?

A very sad thing is that most of our parents are communicating with their children in a very rude language. Talk to children through orders and sermons.

What we should really give our children is a kind of "dedicated connection" and use "spiritual teaching" to discover the true self under the iceberg of their inner world.

When a child talks to an adult with a small stone, the general reaction of the adult is "Oh, it's just a stone"; Or "Go away, I'm busy". Who can squat down, integrate into the child's world and talk to the child about this stone for more than five sentences?

If you can't integrate into the children's world well, talk to them intently. Then, when children grow up, how can they like talking to their parents?

Wang Meng broke contact with his parents, perhaps just for the same reason that many people blocked their parents in the circle of friends, and felt that their parents could not understand themselves. Therefore, closing the door of their hearts seems to be the best way out.

It has nothing to do with hatred, just disappointment; It has nothing to do with rejection, just taking care of your broken heart.

When parents are willing to know their children, they give them the greatest respect; When parents are willing to listen to their children, it is the best expression of love for their children.

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Children are eager to be listened to, and they are also eager for autonomy and independence.

Children often feel pain because of weakness. From birth, all kinds of "inability to be independent" have brought endless frustration to children. And discovering your own strength is a compulsory course for growth.

Every child needs one trophy after another, and these trophies need to be won by themselves.

The affirmation given by parents gives children a sense of security of "existence"; Parents give their children freedom and bring satisfaction to their growth.

Both are indispensable.

05

Wang Meng's letter is an inner cry and an exhortation to young parents.

What can we do as a "mature" child?

If we are lucky enough to meet a parent who respects and understands us, we will have a good "self-awareness"; We should be positive and grateful and give back the same love to each other.

If we are unfortunate enough to become Wang Meng, what we can do is to learn to heal ourselves and reconcile with life. We can't force ourselves to reconcile with our parents, but we can reconcile with life.

We should face the reality. On the one hand, it is an ironclad fact that parents cannot be changed. On the other hand, we should let go of our obsession. We feel pain because of our parents, which should not make us feel guilty.

Accepting reality and accepting our emotions in reality is the turning point of our lives.

Learn to know yourself again and accept yourself; Healing ourselves in a new intimate relationship and seeking the help of professionals are all opportunities for us to heal again;

Learn to break the chain of family background and better cultivate our next generation;

Learn to feed your parents and improve your relationship with them if you have the ability.

For children like Wang Meng, reconciliation with their parents in their lifetime is their biggest lesson. Sadly, many people can't wait for the words "I'm sorry" and "it doesn't matter" all their lives. Just like the mother and grandmother in The Sixth Sense, this "unfinished complex" is entrusted to a child to complete, the kind of benign communication that cannot be realized in life.

I once saw a netizen talking about the relationship between parents and children on Zhihu, and his views are very worthy of our consideration.

He said that children and parents are actually mutually successful, and parents have also gained a lot of "returns" in the process of giving birth to children. And we often see more parents' efforts, but we don't see the children's return to their parents.

In addition to material input, the love and being loved by parents and children are actually equivalent in spirit.

Recognizing this may be the ultimate prescription for us to understand "parents' heart".

Yes, the child doesn't owe us anything. Like us, they all deserve equality, respect, love and love.

Love is mutual wealth.

For all young parents, there are two best gifts for our children, one is the root of love and the other is the wind of freedom. Let's encourage each other!

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