Professor Li Meijin's major is criminal psychology, but her views on family education are also very special.
After a lot of relevant research, her experience is that children have behavioral problems or psychological problems, such as truancy, lying, internet addiction, conflict with parents, running away from home and so on. Most of them are between 12 and 18.
However, the behavioral problems and related psychological problems in this age group all originated before 12 years old, and originated from the way parents raised their children.
0 1 Children's research: You suggested that the key to children's education lies in the early years, and it is very important for children and parents to form a good attachment relationship. How to understand it?
Li Meijin: Attachment is very important. Attachment means I don't need any conditions. I'm willing to listen to you.
One of the situations in our country is that many farmers leave their homes for cities, and their children are given to the elderly in rural areas. In urban families, parents are busy with work, so they entrust their children to kindergartens or the elderly. Both of these situations will destroy the formation of attachment emotions, leading to the lack of stable and reliable attachment objects for children.
Many parents do not attach importance to the development of children's attachment. If the mother sends her child back to her hometown after birth and is raised by the elderly, there may be a lifelong gap between the child and the mother until the child goes to school. Moreover, children are difficult to discipline when they reach puberty.
If parents have conflicts with the elderly, children may dislike their parents psychologically because they lack emotional attachment to their parents when they were young. Therefore, the key to children's education lies in parents' early efforts to make children feel attached. In this way, parents have formed a psychological influence on their children, or psychological capital and psychological control.
Psychological control is different from other controls. Leaders only control the rights of subordinates. Subordinates' obedience to you is only a relationship between superiors and subordinates, and they don't really like you in their hearts. If adults have no psychological influence on children, it is difficult for children to accept the management of adults. The psychological influence of parents on their children can last until adolescence.
Children's Studies: You emphasize parents' personal participation in early childhood education. In reality, old people or nannies often take care of children. How to treat it?
Li Meijin: If a child is looked after by a nanny, the nanny must be stable and the nanny has not changed since the child was born. Nanny has replaced the role of mother, and the child's attachment object is there, not without it.
Although the nanny and the mother exist at the same time, we can still see who the child is attached to. In both cases, if the child sleeps with the mother, even with the nanny, the child will still be attached to the mother because of physical contact. If the child sleeps with the nanny, it is certain that the mother does not play a particularly important role in the child's heart.
Grandparents take care of their children, and as attachment objects, they are no worse than their mothers. If grandma takes care of the children, for the children, grandma is almost equivalent to mom, because mom and grandma affirm each other in emotion and behavior, and can replace each other and become the attachment objects of the children.
If grandma and mom look after the children together, the children may be in a dilemma and don't know who is most worthy of their attachment. Because there will always be times in life when the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not good. This kind of child will rebel when he reaches puberty and want to avoid the dispute between two women. Of course, if the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is good, the children will not be confused.
Child Research: Is this problem so serious? In reality, many parents may not realize it.
Li Meijin: From a professional point of view, that's true. I said to many comrades: you are the director now. If you misbehave, someone will do it tomorrow. It doesn't matter. But as a parent, if you don't do it, no one can replace you, especially as a mother.
There is another situation that needs to be explained. If the child is placed with the elderly since childhood, it will be very troublesome if the closest person dies when the child is 6 years old. Because attachment lasts from birth to 12 years old, the object to which a child is attached cannot be interrupted. If interrupted, the child will have psychological trauma.
So, let the elderly take care of the children, and don't give everything to the elderly. Because once the old man dies young, children are prone to serious psychological obstacles. Moreover, it is best for the elderly with children to be very healthy, and there will be no problems until the children are seventeen or eighteen, at least 15 years old. For example, in many rural areas, parents go out to work, children are given to the elderly, and grandpa follows.
When the child was 8 years old, his grandfather died and the child lost his attachment. At this time, children will feel very strange when they return to their parents. From the environment to people, children will feel strange. In this way, it is easy for children not to be close to their parents, so they go out alone, indulge in the internet and embark on the road of crime.
Children's research: Does parents' divorce mean that children have lost their attachment?
Li Meijin: On the one hand, divorce destroys children's attachment, on the other hand, it causes children psychological fear, which is a change of living environment. Divorce will make children have inner conflicts and avoid fear.
Of course, attachment is only a starting point, and attachment is the capital of education. However, if children are attached to their parents and their parents have no educational level, it is also very troublesome.
Children's Studies: What do you think is the role of fathers in children's growth?
Li Meijin: I think before the child is 6 years old, the object of attachment should be the mother. Let the child really attach to his father, it should be around puberty. Because the roles of parents are divided, mothers are more about life care, and fathers are more about role models. Father is more in society, and may be more broad-minded and less verbose and meticulous in dealing with people. These are just supplements to the matrix.
Children need more influence from their fathers when they start puberty and enter the society. I think the attachment to my father is mainly reflected in respect. A father should have a sense of authority in his children's minds. Before the age of 6, the mother is the most important. From the age of 6 to 12, parents should play a role at the same time. /kloc-After 0/2 years old, the role of father becomes more important.